These are just a few pictures from the shoot entitled 'My Straight Peaks'.
--J.
Saturday 31 December 2011
My Straight Peaks
I did a photo shoot with my amazing little brother (He's actually not so little any more.) He's my rock.
These are just a few pictures from the shoot entitled 'My Straight Peaks'.
--J.
These are just a few pictures from the shoot entitled 'My Straight Peaks'.
--J.
We Don't Have Pet Lions
I spent the morning with my family and some family friends of ours who are visiting from the States. I find it extremely interesting to hear what Americans think about South Africa and Africa as a continent.
I find it strange that some American people can be so oblivious to the world outside themselves. Africa is not ONE country- it's the second largest CONTINENT on the planet made up of multiple countries. South Africa isn't a desert populated with bush people living in mud huts. We do not keep lions and tigers as pets or drive elephants to school and have classes under trees. We are not all black. We speak English. We don't all listen to traditional African music with marimbas and djembe drums. African culture is an integral part of the heritage of most South Africa people but we are not a rural country that dwells well beyond 'civil' means. We're 'normal' too.
Proudly South African.
--J.
I find it strange that some American people can be so oblivious to the world outside themselves. Africa is not ONE country- it's the second largest CONTINENT on the planet made up of multiple countries. South Africa isn't a desert populated with bush people living in mud huts. We do not keep lions and tigers as pets or drive elephants to school and have classes under trees. We are not all black. We speak English. We don't all listen to traditional African music with marimbas and djembe drums. African culture is an integral part of the heritage of most South Africa people but we are not a rural country that dwells well beyond 'civil' means. We're 'normal' too.
Proudly South African.
--J.
Farewell 2011. Carpe Annum.
I have no regrets only the occasional sad memory and the odd battle scar here and there. There were an infinite amount of happy times and good laughs. It has been very busy. All in all 2011 has been an eventful year to say the least.
As in most years it seems, love comes and then it goes as if it looked into the possibility of staying but left in hopes of finding a better view. Friendships were forged, crushed or strengthened. People cried too long... People died too young. They will never be forgotten. As one would expect over a long and busy year,there were many ups and downs. Ones that merely presented themselves without much influence and others which elated and healed us while the rest saddened and broke us.
There are but a few hours left of this year that has finally come to a close. We await new experiences and new ideas ahead of us. We will learn and grow, hopefully, but the obstacles we face and overcome.
Here we go. We're standing on a bridge between what has past and what will come with the best of intentions. I pray that all that happens this year will remind us of a quest for purpose and not to be stuck in our mindless routines, waiting for someone to offer us opportunity.
Carpe Diem- Seize the day... Or rather Seize The Year.
Carpe Annum.
--J.
As in most years it seems, love comes and then it goes as if it looked into the possibility of staying but left in hopes of finding a better view. Friendships were forged, crushed or strengthened. People cried too long... People died too young. They will never be forgotten. As one would expect over a long and busy year,there were many ups and downs. Ones that merely presented themselves without much influence and others which elated and healed us while the rest saddened and broke us.
There are but a few hours left of this year that has finally come to a close. We await new experiences and new ideas ahead of us. We will learn and grow, hopefully, but the obstacles we face and overcome.
Here we go. We're standing on a bridge between what has past and what will come with the best of intentions. I pray that all that happens this year will remind us of a quest for purpose and not to be stuck in our mindless routines, waiting for someone to offer us opportunity.
Carpe Diem- Seize the day... Or rather Seize The Year.
Carpe Annum.
--J.
All I Wish For
I apologize for dreaming beyond the realm of possibility but all I've ever wanted is to be wanted by you. Merely to be wanted would suffice for a girl as trapped as I... You, however, would be an offer I dare not refuse for fear of slowly dying for lack of trying.
I fantasize far too much for it to be considered as healthy. I see things too far from reality for them to become so. I imagine what is too far from my ever-reaching grasp. It kills me that as much as I try and as much as I will it to be... I cannot get what I want. I lack the capacity to execute the necessary means by which I can obtain what it is that I desire. Every fibre of my body denies me the ability to enjoy cynicism therefore I cannot, as much as I would like to, manipulate any given subject without struggling considerably. I am a people pleaser, a doormat if you will, which in turn makes me a person who is easily influenced or manipulated but who cannot reciprocate the same skill set as part of my resume'.
Perhaps a more logical approach, instead of emotional drive, could be better utilised. It may be smarter of me to change my methods in terms of love and life. I have, after all, failed in all other attempts- not that there were all too many to be considered admirable.
Without being loved so many times as I have loved, my heart has been considerably broken and scarred by the wonderful tenants that I allowed to take up residence in the many chambers of my heart. I regret loving no one. I only wish they all had treated my heart with slightly more respect. I wish they felt that I deserved more than what I was ultimately dished out. Promises are made in the beginning that each will be better than the last and that no harm will ever come to me while I am entertaining their friendship. Promises are always broken in my case. People leave in hordes at the most inopportune times. I only wish that the distaste wouldn't cease to continue.
I am so easily twisted... So easily carved into what people want me to be. I only wish that I would recover as easily as I scar.
--J.
I fantasize far too much for it to be considered as healthy. I see things too far from reality for them to become so. I imagine what is too far from my ever-reaching grasp. It kills me that as much as I try and as much as I will it to be... I cannot get what I want. I lack the capacity to execute the necessary means by which I can obtain what it is that I desire. Every fibre of my body denies me the ability to enjoy cynicism therefore I cannot, as much as I would like to, manipulate any given subject without struggling considerably. I am a people pleaser, a doormat if you will, which in turn makes me a person who is easily influenced or manipulated but who cannot reciprocate the same skill set as part of my resume'.
Perhaps a more logical approach, instead of emotional drive, could be better utilised. It may be smarter of me to change my methods in terms of love and life. I have, after all, failed in all other attempts- not that there were all too many to be considered admirable.
Without being loved so many times as I have loved, my heart has been considerably broken and scarred by the wonderful tenants that I allowed to take up residence in the many chambers of my heart. I regret loving no one. I only wish they all had treated my heart with slightly more respect. I wish they felt that I deserved more than what I was ultimately dished out. Promises are made in the beginning that each will be better than the last and that no harm will ever come to me while I am entertaining their friendship. Promises are always broken in my case. People leave in hordes at the most inopportune times. I only wish that the distaste wouldn't cease to continue.
I am so easily twisted... So easily carved into what people want me to be. I only wish that I would recover as easily as I scar.
--J.
Friday 30 December 2011
If I Were To Die
If I were to die today... I would be more than welcoming to an unknown abyss. I'd be okay to leave my world behind me and to be thrust into a new world. I wouldn't be happy to force a goodbye from my lips... but I would be okay if I did. I wouldn't hate myself for it.
I would be thankful for the rest that death would bring me. I wouldn't have to always try so hard and work so hard to receive the materialistic affirmation of other people who, if they really thought about it, don't care at all about my outcome. I wouldn't be forced to face my problems or my many insecurities. I would be far away from disappointment and brokenness, empty promises and hypocrites. All the people who have made me cry wouldn't be around me anymore. My body would be lowered into the ground where no one could bother me and my soul would be freed to a place where no doubts could enter nor could another scar me. I would finally be safe from a cold and ruthless world whose only purposes are to destroy what is not within their conformist criteria and to encourage colourless and empty 'ideals'.
I would miss all who have loved me and all who I have loved. I would not say goodbye to them in the hopes of rather seeing them at another time. I would miss them but I would wish them the best. I'm sure some would be much better off without my existence.
I can't, however, will myself to be gone from this world. I cannot wish to be dead as much as I would like it to be true. I am here on this earth with a duty to serve and a term to fulfill. I cannot go until Home is where I am called. So until I'm called I will fight for that day where I can finally let go.
I await my death with open arms but do not wish for it any sooner than it was originally planned.
--J.
I would be thankful for the rest that death would bring me. I wouldn't have to always try so hard and work so hard to receive the materialistic affirmation of other people who, if they really thought about it, don't care at all about my outcome. I wouldn't be forced to face my problems or my many insecurities. I would be far away from disappointment and brokenness, empty promises and hypocrites. All the people who have made me cry wouldn't be around me anymore. My body would be lowered into the ground where no one could bother me and my soul would be freed to a place where no doubts could enter nor could another scar me. I would finally be safe from a cold and ruthless world whose only purposes are to destroy what is not within their conformist criteria and to encourage colourless and empty 'ideals'.
I would miss all who have loved me and all who I have loved. I would not say goodbye to them in the hopes of rather seeing them at another time. I would miss them but I would wish them the best. I'm sure some would be much better off without my existence.
I can't, however, will myself to be gone from this world. I cannot wish to be dead as much as I would like it to be true. I am here on this earth with a duty to serve and a term to fulfill. I cannot go until Home is where I am called. So until I'm called I will fight for that day where I can finally let go.
I await my death with open arms but do not wish for it any sooner than it was originally planned.
--J.
Thursday 29 December 2011
Waiting On What Won't Come
In every simple motion you place before me I will myself to read you incorrectly. I intentionally warp your friendly gestures to my own desperate liking. I look too hard for a sign that you want me... and when I don't find one, I make one up.
My mind is a fragile place. My eyes are detailed note-takers. My heart is a mechanism that is so easily bruised. I am a girl who is so madly and completely in love with you.
Every time our eyes meet, I wish that you would see me the same way I see you- as something just beyond human. You are flawless to me- in light of your imperfections. Everything about you, everything that surrounds you and everything that becomes you; makes me want you that much more. It's unreal, the degree to which I would go to have you simply touch me, want me... perhaps even love me. You unknowingly hold me with your piercing gaze and your silky smooth words that travel through my every pore- soaking me in the idea of you. My heart pulls tight every time a see you as if holding back for fear of getting hurt. My lips crave to be touched by yours again and to feel that perfect kind of harmony and balance. To feel you again.
You have long left your feelings for me at my metaphorical doorstep. I still wish you hadn't found me to be obsolete. I decided to return the feelings to the sender but, as I believe, I don't have the right address. I no longer hold your gaze with the same curiosity or the slightest attraction. You have forgotten whatever beauty I first conveyed. You have lost all interest in whatever you first found interesting about the twisted girl that presented herself before you. I know all of this yet I continue to search the world for a sign to tell me that you haven't let me go. I haven't been successful in finding it yet. However, I just cannot say goodbye to all that you are to me while being so bent set on being yours.
I still wish that you were mine. Sometimes I pretend you never left. It doesn't work too well anymore since my brain convinced my heart that you would never be coming back. My heart is optimistic and wishes to see the absolute best in your actions... but all the practicality and common sense within me urges me to move on from a love story gone wrong. I still linger on the 'could have beens' and the 'what ifs'as if all the hoping in the world will make you see just how hard I've fallen for you. Perhaps then you would consider falling for me.
I cannot say goodbye to you. So I'll fabricate these lies for myself until I do. I still see those gorgeous green eyes, feel your hand move my hair out of my face. Our lips used to touch and I felt safe and vulnerable at the same time. You set me on fire and I remain so with no way of extinguishing my desire for you.
Until our lips meet again, until you feel what I feel; I will sit in my pool of white lies and empty promises. Waiting in watch at a slowly blurring horizon for a prince that will never come my way.
--J.
My mind is a fragile place. My eyes are detailed note-takers. My heart is a mechanism that is so easily bruised. I am a girl who is so madly and completely in love with you.
Every time our eyes meet, I wish that you would see me the same way I see you- as something just beyond human. You are flawless to me- in light of your imperfections. Everything about you, everything that surrounds you and everything that becomes you; makes me want you that much more. It's unreal, the degree to which I would go to have you simply touch me, want me... perhaps even love me. You unknowingly hold me with your piercing gaze and your silky smooth words that travel through my every pore- soaking me in the idea of you. My heart pulls tight every time a see you as if holding back for fear of getting hurt. My lips crave to be touched by yours again and to feel that perfect kind of harmony and balance. To feel you again.
You have long left your feelings for me at my metaphorical doorstep. I still wish you hadn't found me to be obsolete. I decided to return the feelings to the sender but, as I believe, I don't have the right address. I no longer hold your gaze with the same curiosity or the slightest attraction. You have forgotten whatever beauty I first conveyed. You have lost all interest in whatever you first found interesting about the twisted girl that presented herself before you. I know all of this yet I continue to search the world for a sign to tell me that you haven't let me go. I haven't been successful in finding it yet. However, I just cannot say goodbye to all that you are to me while being so bent set on being yours.
I still wish that you were mine. Sometimes I pretend you never left. It doesn't work too well anymore since my brain convinced my heart that you would never be coming back. My heart is optimistic and wishes to see the absolute best in your actions... but all the practicality and common sense within me urges me to move on from a love story gone wrong. I still linger on the 'could have beens' and the 'what ifs'as if all the hoping in the world will make you see just how hard I've fallen for you. Perhaps then you would consider falling for me.
I cannot say goodbye to you. So I'll fabricate these lies for myself until I do. I still see those gorgeous green eyes, feel your hand move my hair out of my face. Our lips used to touch and I felt safe and vulnerable at the same time. You set me on fire and I remain so with no way of extinguishing my desire for you.
Until our lips meet again, until you feel what I feel; I will sit in my pool of white lies and empty promises. Waiting in watch at a slowly blurring horizon for a prince that will never come my way.
--J.
Wednesday 28 December 2011
Wallpaper
People pass by people. We don't often notice most of them. They're just a part of the scenery. The people we do notice are our friends and our enemies. The funny thing is that the wallpaper-people make just as much of difference in our lives.
They look from the inside in. Often unintentionally. We do the same. We glance over at the unknown and as humans, we make judgements. We declare the people outside our own personal circles according the labels society has laid out at our disposal. When we are faced with the unknown our comfortable response is just to assume instead of getting to know. Security within ourselves is the most prominent wall that we put up to the outside world.
Without even knowing it, the people who we think have no say or influence in our lives actually do. They secretly watch, pray, hope and watch out for us. Sometimes it also less sentimental. Sometimes they just see us.
No matter where we are though, we're never alone. The silent crowd will always have someone who is willing to step out.
--J.
They look from the inside in. Often unintentionally. We do the same. We glance over at the unknown and as humans, we make judgements. We declare the people outside our own personal circles according the labels society has laid out at our disposal. When we are faced with the unknown our comfortable response is just to assume instead of getting to know. Security within ourselves is the most prominent wall that we put up to the outside world.
Without even knowing it, the people who we think have no say or influence in our lives actually do. They secretly watch, pray, hope and watch out for us. Sometimes it also less sentimental. Sometimes they just see us.
No matter where we are though, we're never alone. The silent crowd will always have someone who is willing to step out.
--J.
Tuesday 27 December 2011
Tell It To Me Straight
I wish that people would just tell you when they no longer want you in their life. It would make things so much simpler... And as an added bonus, one wouldn't look or feel so stupid when a supposed friend blatantly ignores you without warning or farewell. Am I being a bit dramatic about this?
I would much rather have someone tell me to just get lost than be stuck thinking that I still mean something to them. I don't want to expect to be cared about when really I'm the last thing on someone's mind. To be completely it hurts even more when someone doesn't specify whether or not you're worth their time. The only thing that's worse than being ignored is thinking you deserve not to be.
If you're anything more than a spineless coward, then tell it to me straight. Tell me I'm no longer needed... no longer necessary. I want you [whoever 'you' may be] to expel any doubts or queries in my mind and tell me that I don't hold a piece of your heart and that I don't need to stick around any more. Just tell me the truth of the matter instead of leaving me to assume things. I don't particularly like assuming things.
I won't be perfectly okay with the fact that I'm no longer needed or wanted in your life. It will just allow me to deal with it sooner rather than hanging in denial.
Tell it to me straight. Tell me you don't love me any more.
--J.
Monday 26 December 2011
Gone Too Soon
I didn't know him well but I had the opportunity of speaking to him and catching a glimpse of the kind of person he was. Funny, Sweet, Talented. To his family and friends, I offer my condolences even though I wish I could do and give so much more. I hope you all find the strength and peace within yourselves to get through this difficult time.
You will be missed dearly, Liam Brinders. No doubt you are looking down from heaven... a better place. It is only a pity that you had to leave so soon.
R.I.P. Liam
Gone but never forgotten ♥
--J
You will be missed dearly, Liam Brinders. No doubt you are looking down from heaven... a better place. It is only a pity that you had to leave so soon.
R.I.P. Liam
Gone but never forgotten ♥
--J
Saturday 24 December 2011
My Canvas
I don't know what more I can say about life. It is painful, unpredictable, unfair, coarse and cruel. At the same time there are moments where we find glimpses of what life's original intention was. We see beauty and balance, mystery and love, expression and creativity.
If I were to paint my life on a giant blank canvas, the background would be black. It seems that no matter the occasion or emotion, black goes with everything. There would be red somewhere- hidden perhaps. The secret pains and bloodshed hidden away from the prying eyes of onlookers who, unintentionally, have no hope of understanding who I am or what I feel. I would paint a giant cross across my canvas- for I am who my God has created. I am a passionate believer in people, beings and things that are far greater than I could ever hope to be. My God, my Jesus is responsible for my salvation. He saved me and continues to save me, even after I make mistake after mistake. My religion and my beliefs play a principal role in the definition of my character and who I will ultimately become. I would paint people- thousands of people -spanning back into the ever-reaching distance of the paint-drenched fibres. I am nothing without the people in my life. My family, my friends, all who have come before me and who resulted in me and all who will follow me as a result of me. Man was not meant to roam the world alone and I think I am the kind of person who feels that very strongly. I very easily fall into a trap of loneliness. I love the company of others and I love to love others. People are my soul food. Without other people, whose lives could I then do my best to impact upon? Dripping vertical lines of blue edged in an off-white would trail down my life's painting. These are the tears- happy and sad- that I have cried. Those moments where I lay heartbroken wondering what had brought me to this place and what had ushered my deservedness for the pain that my reality had so abruptly thrust upon me. Those moments where you laugh so hard your stomach hurts and tears pour down your face in an attempt to cool your heated cheeks as the laughter spills across your lips. Those moments where you look into your best friend's eyes, knowing that they are doing something wrong in the eyes of Something more powerful than either of you can comprehend, and crying because you might not see them again after Death has dealt his cards and judgement has been made... The tears pour down even after your eyes have dried- in your mind where the thought remains for an eternity as an aching scar, you cry for their soul. I would paint upon the remaining black, overlapping the blue streaks and the beam of the cross, velvety-red curtains with a single spotlight at the centre awaiting the opening of a show. I have been blessed with a passion, a creativity and a maturity for performance. I want to be, for once, on a stage where the world can see me and where I can see me and merely be me without judgement or criticism from an audience who just cannot understand what I do. However, I want to be seen and I want to be heard by myself first, before the crowd of critics has their chance to fling stones.
The final addition, for I cannot bear to think of more of which I could overcrowd the thick oils meshed upon this cloth, is the face of a girl whose eyes are dark from lack of sleep that is so rightly needed, whose mouth is gagged and bound by a dirty white rag signifying her ultimate surrender to all that she simply could not defeat, whose hair lies in a gentle loosely-curled mess around her distraught face and whose tears are red as if her blood was the only thing left that the world could take from her.
--J.
If I were to paint my life on a giant blank canvas, the background would be black. It seems that no matter the occasion or emotion, black goes with everything. There would be red somewhere- hidden perhaps. The secret pains and bloodshed hidden away from the prying eyes of onlookers who, unintentionally, have no hope of understanding who I am or what I feel. I would paint a giant cross across my canvas- for I am who my God has created. I am a passionate believer in people, beings and things that are far greater than I could ever hope to be. My God, my Jesus is responsible for my salvation. He saved me and continues to save me, even after I make mistake after mistake. My religion and my beliefs play a principal role in the definition of my character and who I will ultimately become. I would paint people- thousands of people -spanning back into the ever-reaching distance of the paint-drenched fibres. I am nothing without the people in my life. My family, my friends, all who have come before me and who resulted in me and all who will follow me as a result of me. Man was not meant to roam the world alone and I think I am the kind of person who feels that very strongly. I very easily fall into a trap of loneliness. I love the company of others and I love to love others. People are my soul food. Without other people, whose lives could I then do my best to impact upon? Dripping vertical lines of blue edged in an off-white would trail down my life's painting. These are the tears- happy and sad- that I have cried. Those moments where I lay heartbroken wondering what had brought me to this place and what had ushered my deservedness for the pain that my reality had so abruptly thrust upon me. Those moments where you laugh so hard your stomach hurts and tears pour down your face in an attempt to cool your heated cheeks as the laughter spills across your lips. Those moments where you look into your best friend's eyes, knowing that they are doing something wrong in the eyes of Something more powerful than either of you can comprehend, and crying because you might not see them again after Death has dealt his cards and judgement has been made... The tears pour down even after your eyes have dried- in your mind where the thought remains for an eternity as an aching scar, you cry for their soul. I would paint upon the remaining black, overlapping the blue streaks and the beam of the cross, velvety-red curtains with a single spotlight at the centre awaiting the opening of a show. I have been blessed with a passion, a creativity and a maturity for performance. I want to be, for once, on a stage where the world can see me and where I can see me and merely be me without judgement or criticism from an audience who just cannot understand what I do. However, I want to be seen and I want to be heard by myself first, before the crowd of critics has their chance to fling stones.
The final addition, for I cannot bear to think of more of which I could overcrowd the thick oils meshed upon this cloth, is the face of a girl whose eyes are dark from lack of sleep that is so rightly needed, whose mouth is gagged and bound by a dirty white rag signifying her ultimate surrender to all that she simply could not defeat, whose hair lies in a gentle loosely-curled mess around her distraught face and whose tears are red as if her blood was the only thing left that the world could take from her.
--J.
Wednesday 21 December 2011
Cartwheels & Pedestrian Crossings
Today, along with some forced home maintenance, I spent time with my favourite cousin Alex. The day consisted of four outfits, four venues, roughly 200 photos, crazy dance video clips, a pedestrian crossing, stilettos and Converse High Tops- making for a very successful photo shoot.
I love being behind the camera. I can make other people look beautiful but I won't trust anybody else to do the same for me. I'm definitely okay with that. I don't like photos... of myself. Mostly because I'm not the most photogenic person in my opinion. However, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy capturing beauty and moments of perfection for others to see.
Today was a lot of fun. My cousin never does photo shoots nor does she typically throw herself in front of whatever camera she sees. She also finds practically anything funny and therefore struggles to look serious or collected, in the least, for more than a shot at a time.
My cousin is amazing. She jumps out of trees, stands on a park slide in stiletto heels, wears red Converse High Tops, does cartwheels across pedestrian crossings and dances through the street in slow motion. She's a curly-haired, gorgeous freak of nature and I love her more than words.
Clink*
--J.
I love being behind the camera. I can make other people look beautiful but I won't trust anybody else to do the same for me. I'm definitely okay with that. I don't like photos... of myself. Mostly because I'm not the most photogenic person in my opinion. However, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy capturing beauty and moments of perfection for others to see.
Today was a lot of fun. My cousin never does photo shoots nor does she typically throw herself in front of whatever camera she sees. She also finds practically anything funny and therefore struggles to look serious or collected, in the least, for more than a shot at a time.
My cousin is amazing. She jumps out of trees, stands on a park slide in stiletto heels, wears red Converse High Tops, does cartwheels across pedestrian crossings and dances through the street in slow motion. She's a curly-haired, gorgeous freak of nature and I love her more than words.
Clink*
--J.
Tuesday 20 December 2011
What Happens In December
If there's one thing that I hate about this time of year it's that everybody is so freaked out about trying to impress everyone. Christmas is an amazing time and when you look at it's true meaning and origin then it is simply a beautiful holiday and reason for celebration.
My family, my dear mother in particular, developed a habit that is quite annoying regarding the usage of time during the December holidays. We always work. Usually on home D.I.Y. projects like painting rooms or fences, stripping carpets, rearranging gardens, chopping down trees, varnishing floors etc. For me, I'm not really the type of person that enjoys doing physical labour. I'm not lazy, I would just much rather make use of my time in a way that I see as more beneficial. The thing is that I'm on holiday for 4-6 weeks in December depending on how the government was feeling when they set the annual school holiday calendar. One would think that would be ample time to relax, spend time with friends, OCCASIONALLY do household work other that chores and just take a breath from a long, busy and stressful school year. Right? Ha! Not in my house. I might as well be under house arrest from the week prior to Christmas and the week after New Years.
My mother loves to fabricate excuses as to why my siblings and I can't go out as much as our friends request us to. The week directly after school closes she uses the excuse that we have just seen our friends and we don't need to see them so soon after school closes. My parents have their wedding anniversary on the 16th of December and sometimes choose to go away by themselves or to completely retract from the outside world even just for that day. Then it's Christmas and New Years which is a time where "we have a lot of work to do at home" according to my mother. Finally when the holiday has been whittled down to it's last week or so, my mother resorts to her most evil, I feel, of all rejections: "You'll see them again at school, you don't need to see them now". It's so frustrating... I never feel like I have a decent holiday because we're always working (AND I HATE MANUAL LABOUR) and I hardly get to see my friends.
I know quite well that I sound wonderfully selfish and perhaps unappreciative at the moment and I admit that I tend to fall back to that quite often. That is what blogging is for- to express what can't necessarily be expressed to others for fear of inability to adequately communicate your ideas.
I love Christmas for the fellowship it promises each year but I hate the dealings that come along with it at this time. The cheap accessories that cheapen the Christmas experience all-together:
- Commercialism
- Materialism
- Manual Labour
- Isolation
Sigh. I'm trying really hard to strike a balance. I have a lot to do these holidays and I cannot be stuck at home for four weeks.
No way on God's green earth.
--J.
My family, my dear mother in particular, developed a habit that is quite annoying regarding the usage of time during the December holidays. We always work. Usually on home D.I.Y. projects like painting rooms or fences, stripping carpets, rearranging gardens, chopping down trees, varnishing floors etc. For me, I'm not really the type of person that enjoys doing physical labour. I'm not lazy, I would just much rather make use of my time in a way that I see as more beneficial. The thing is that I'm on holiday for 4-6 weeks in December depending on how the government was feeling when they set the annual school holiday calendar. One would think that would be ample time to relax, spend time with friends, OCCASIONALLY do household work other that chores and just take a breath from a long, busy and stressful school year. Right? Ha! Not in my house. I might as well be under house arrest from the week prior to Christmas and the week after New Years.
My mother loves to fabricate excuses as to why my siblings and I can't go out as much as our friends request us to. The week directly after school closes she uses the excuse that we have just seen our friends and we don't need to see them so soon after school closes. My parents have their wedding anniversary on the 16th of December and sometimes choose to go away by themselves or to completely retract from the outside world even just for that day. Then it's Christmas and New Years which is a time where "we have a lot of work to do at home" according to my mother. Finally when the holiday has been whittled down to it's last week or so, my mother resorts to her most evil, I feel, of all rejections: "You'll see them again at school, you don't need to see them now". It's so frustrating... I never feel like I have a decent holiday because we're always working (AND I HATE MANUAL LABOUR) and I hardly get to see my friends.
I know quite well that I sound wonderfully selfish and perhaps unappreciative at the moment and I admit that I tend to fall back to that quite often. That is what blogging is for- to express what can't necessarily be expressed to others for fear of inability to adequately communicate your ideas.
I love Christmas for the fellowship it promises each year but I hate the dealings that come along with it at this time. The cheap accessories that cheapen the Christmas experience all-together:
- Commercialism
- Materialism
- Manual Labour
- Isolation
Sigh. I'm trying really hard to strike a balance. I have a lot to do these holidays and I cannot be stuck at home for four weeks.
No way on God's green earth.
--J.
In The Dark
Everyone is in on the joke. Except for me. I'm the joke. I didn't know until it was too late; until I couldn't protect myself from their cruelty. I am lost within a world where all else seems to thrive and to conquer. I'm trapped in the dark and the light eludes me as if for fun.
I try to make them see my worth but in vain. I cannot convince them that I feel and breathe like the rest of those beings like us. They're convinced I'm not human, that I'm beneath them. They think I'm nothing worth pursuit or interest. I don't deserve love in their eyes. The gauge out my soul in the hopes of killing it. They're confused when they find I'm not that much different to them. Yet they still refuse to believe that I am cut from the same cloth as they are. They've locked me away in a dark, cold and lonely room where all I hear is my own breathing and the violent drumming of my heart as it hits against my rib cage. All I see are the inside of my eyelids and the blackness that has surrounded me. My touch is dulled down until I'm numb. They throw knives at me as I sit, unbeknown by the light, in the depths. The knives pierce my body but I do not feel anything. I am numb. I am cold inside. I am immune to the pain that I have felt for so long. It has done too much damage for me too feel it any more.
I'm in the dark, clinging to every last shred of hope that tomorrow will be better. I cry out to the pouring heavens that wash the tears and blood from my face. I hold on to the promise of light and deliverance from pain and wickedness. I hold on in the hope that all who have hurt me will be forgiven.
I'm in the dark.
But The Light Of The World Lives In Me.
--J.
Sunday 18 December 2011
Dear God, Forgive Me.
Dear God
Please forgive me for loving too deeply and for falling too hard. Forgive me for compassion and obsession. Forgive me for being so easily attached to the worldly things that I have been given. Forgive me for crying from loneliness. Forgive me for my selfishness. Relieve me from my willingness to love and to hold on. Take my love and dependency for Yourself. Take it from me so that no one else may have it unless You allow them into my heart. Take my heart and let it be Yours, Lord. For if it is my own I shall let it be broken and if it is anyone else's then it will be bruised. Forgive me for who I've become- this pitiful girl smothered and possessed by flames of desire. Take my will to love and be loved from me. There is no good that I can do with it for I have abused that ability already. Remove my tears and harden my heart. Put up my walls and place ice in my eyes so that no one may love me and so I will not feel a thing. Take my intense emotion and my passionate mind and discard it with the rest of the unworthy. Toss it aside so that I may not resort to it. Strip from me my humanity and all the flaws that make me what I have turned into. Make me cold and stone-like so that I may not be scarred and tortured by the disappointments of this world. Heal my fragile frame of mind and let it be no longer twisted and melancholy and dripping with thoughts of blood and tears. Heal my scars and erase my memories- the good and the bad... For one cannot live while the other survives. Forgive my many pleas and mistakes and doubts. Forgive me Lord for killing those you've given me with my kindness. Let me just see You and no one else. Hide me from the world so I will not want what they say I need and so they will not ensnare me in their wickedness. Let them not see my face or my body or my soul for I am too raw and too naive to be trusted with their commentary. Keep me a mystery from the outside and vice versa. I don't want to know them. They don't want to know me. Hold me in Your arms and shield me from all they say and do. Although it hurts to let go, rip my earthly ties from me and don't let me return until my heart and my head have aligned their expectations. Lock me away and throw away the key while You forgive my soiled soul. Purify my mind and return my innocence and wholesomeness. Make me good again. I'm not good any more and I want to be good- because that's what You want, Abba. Forgive me for my lustfulness and my temptations and my attractions and impure acts. Forgive me for my neediness and my clingy nature. Retract my claws and cut off my hands so I may no longer hold anyone but You so close to me ever again. Humble me and humiliate me with your grace and perfection. Forgive me for the sin that I was born into. Withhold me from the Earth and from those who exist within it. Tell them all I love them before You take me away from it all so they know I did not ask for this to hurt them. Forgive me for being worried and hassled with all the wrong things. Forgive me for my negativity and lack of faith and lack of godly perspective. Tell me what to do and where to go for I have proven that I can't learn from my mistakes and that I am insane for expecting a different result from the same actions. Give me logic and intelligence instead of feelings and emotions. Make me clinical and analytical instead of caring and thoughtful. Change my design and rewire my mind for I have become too battered, broken and ill to be of any use to You in my current state. Forgive me for what I am and what I have become. Forgive me for my life and my being. Forgive me for my abuse of your blessings and for incurring upon my self, a curse instead of what you originally intended.
Forgive me... I ask that they all forgive me too.
Amen.
--J.
Please forgive me for loving too deeply and for falling too hard. Forgive me for compassion and obsession. Forgive me for being so easily attached to the worldly things that I have been given. Forgive me for crying from loneliness. Forgive me for my selfishness. Relieve me from my willingness to love and to hold on. Take my love and dependency for Yourself. Take it from me so that no one else may have it unless You allow them into my heart. Take my heart and let it be Yours, Lord. For if it is my own I shall let it be broken and if it is anyone else's then it will be bruised. Forgive me for who I've become- this pitiful girl smothered and possessed by flames of desire. Take my will to love and be loved from me. There is no good that I can do with it for I have abused that ability already. Remove my tears and harden my heart. Put up my walls and place ice in my eyes so that no one may love me and so I will not feel a thing. Take my intense emotion and my passionate mind and discard it with the rest of the unworthy. Toss it aside so that I may not resort to it. Strip from me my humanity and all the flaws that make me what I have turned into. Make me cold and stone-like so that I may not be scarred and tortured by the disappointments of this world. Heal my fragile frame of mind and let it be no longer twisted and melancholy and dripping with thoughts of blood and tears. Heal my scars and erase my memories- the good and the bad... For one cannot live while the other survives. Forgive my many pleas and mistakes and doubts. Forgive me Lord for killing those you've given me with my kindness. Let me just see You and no one else. Hide me from the world so I will not want what they say I need and so they will not ensnare me in their wickedness. Let them not see my face or my body or my soul for I am too raw and too naive to be trusted with their commentary. Keep me a mystery from the outside and vice versa. I don't want to know them. They don't want to know me. Hold me in Your arms and shield me from all they say and do. Although it hurts to let go, rip my earthly ties from me and don't let me return until my heart and my head have aligned their expectations. Lock me away and throw away the key while You forgive my soiled soul. Purify my mind and return my innocence and wholesomeness. Make me good again. I'm not good any more and I want to be good- because that's what You want, Abba. Forgive me for my lustfulness and my temptations and my attractions and impure acts. Forgive me for my neediness and my clingy nature. Retract my claws and cut off my hands so I may no longer hold anyone but You so close to me ever again. Humble me and humiliate me with your grace and perfection. Forgive me for the sin that I was born into. Withhold me from the Earth and from those who exist within it. Tell them all I love them before You take me away from it all so they know I did not ask for this to hurt them. Forgive me for being worried and hassled with all the wrong things. Forgive me for my negativity and lack of faith and lack of godly perspective. Tell me what to do and where to go for I have proven that I can't learn from my mistakes and that I am insane for expecting a different result from the same actions. Give me logic and intelligence instead of feelings and emotions. Make me clinical and analytical instead of caring and thoughtful. Change my design and rewire my mind for I have become too battered, broken and ill to be of any use to You in my current state. Forgive me for what I am and what I have become. Forgive me for my life and my being. Forgive me for my abuse of your blessings and for incurring upon my self, a curse instead of what you originally intended.
Forgive me... I ask that they all forgive me too.
Amen.
--J.
Saturday 17 December 2011
For You
If you asked me to die so that you can live- I will do it. I would do anything to see you smile, to see you laugh, to see you live.
You are my life. You are my heart. When you're sad I die inside... Inside so that when you look at me you won't see how weak I really am. My world belongs to your thoughts, your whim, your design. You are my muse- I'm inspired by your destiny and your destination, your solitude and communication. You are all I want to know or be concerned about.
It's unhealthy. The way I've become attached to you. Ever since my distraction fell away and I needed to cling to some one again. That some one is you. I chose you. You were there. You were always there. You were in the background of my mind, guiding everything I have become. It's so twisted and psychotic of me to want you so badly to be more a part of my reality. It's terrifying. It's so unhealthy.
I wish I knew how to switch this off. This weird personality trait of mine that involves me attaching myself to the person I love the most. The internal switch that makes me so dependent on others for happiness and love. I can never be normal. I can never just be good.
For you, I would do anything. I regret that fact everyday. Not because it's you but because for as long as I live I will always be tied down by somebody- whether it be you or someone else who comes along. I'll never be myself because I will never know who that is. I'll never be "Me" without another "Somebody".
For you, I would die. I would re-enact 'Grenade' by Bruno Mars. I would bleed with a smile on my face. I would love you with a broken heart.
For you, I will be: Beautifully Broken & Magically Marred, Wonderfully Wounded & Sensually Scarred.
--J.
You are my life. You are my heart. When you're sad I die inside... Inside so that when you look at me you won't see how weak I really am. My world belongs to your thoughts, your whim, your design. You are my muse- I'm inspired by your destiny and your destination, your solitude and communication. You are all I want to know or be concerned about.
It's unhealthy. The way I've become attached to you. Ever since my distraction fell away and I needed to cling to some one again. That some one is you. I chose you. You were there. You were always there. You were in the background of my mind, guiding everything I have become. It's so twisted and psychotic of me to want you so badly to be more a part of my reality. It's terrifying. It's so unhealthy.
I wish I knew how to switch this off. This weird personality trait of mine that involves me attaching myself to the person I love the most. The internal switch that makes me so dependent on others for happiness and love. I can never be normal. I can never just be good.
For you, I would do anything. I regret that fact everyday. Not because it's you but because for as long as I live I will always be tied down by somebody- whether it be you or someone else who comes along. I'll never be myself because I will never know who that is. I'll never be "Me" without another "Somebody".
For you, I would die. I would re-enact 'Grenade' by Bruno Mars. I would bleed with a smile on my face. I would love you with a broken heart.
For you, I will be: Beautifully Broken & Magically Marred, Wonderfully Wounded & Sensually Scarred.
--J.
Thursday 15 December 2011
Say Cheese
Recently I've been going on a photo craze. I'm suddenly really into photography. Especially expressive photography when something is actually achieved or a point is made through the photos you're taking.
I've been putting plans into place to get some informal photo shoots going with a few chosen friends in the hopes that I may satisfy this dream of mine- whether it be temporary or long term.
So hopefully by the new year I would have said photo shoots done and dusted and I'll post them. I think I'll do some sort of video slide show. I'll probably post it initially to my other blog:
Cut Throat Sweet Heart. This is where I like to post edited photos, my drawings, poetry, lyrics and the occasional inspirational quote. Blogspot isn't so great with video uploads so if I have any super amazing "absolutely-must-be-shared" photos I'll post them here but if you want to see the rest then I suggest following the link.
I'm excited. I spoke to my cousin (one of my potential models) today about the whole idea. She seemed really into the idea which made me feel like it would eventually get somewhere because I wasn't the only one pumping faith into this project. Later in the day, I got a message on Facebook from one of my friends who I had asked to model for me. She seemed way more excited than I could ever have hoped so I'm hoping things will go as planned. It just means I have some work to do until then to get things in order.
Sigh. So many things to do, so little time. Bring out the Post-Its.
--J.
I've been putting plans into place to get some informal photo shoots going with a few chosen friends in the hopes that I may satisfy this dream of mine- whether it be temporary or long term.
So hopefully by the new year I would have said photo shoots done and dusted and I'll post them. I think I'll do some sort of video slide show. I'll probably post it initially to my other blog:
Cut Throat Sweet Heart. This is where I like to post edited photos, my drawings, poetry, lyrics and the occasional inspirational quote. Blogspot isn't so great with video uploads so if I have any super amazing "absolutely-must-be-shared" photos I'll post them here but if you want to see the rest then I suggest following the link.
I'm excited. I spoke to my cousin (one of my potential models) today about the whole idea. She seemed really into the idea which made me feel like it would eventually get somewhere because I wasn't the only one pumping faith into this project. Later in the day, I got a message on Facebook from one of my friends who I had asked to model for me. She seemed way more excited than I could ever have hoped so I'm hoping things will go as planned. It just means I have some work to do until then to get things in order.
Sigh. So many things to do, so little time. Bring out the Post-Its.
--J.
Wednesday 14 December 2011
Drink Up
Still the same old thoughts lingering around in my head. I was naive enough to think that writing about it on a blog would serve as a good enough escape for my feelings. Even when I've poured out my complaints and concerns onto a computer screen, after pressing "Publish" for 23 posts and after many a pointless "Customise" efforts, I have failed to find closure.
I've said what I have needed to say yet, why then, do I feel as though I haven't actually said anything. I guess it was stupid of me to think that a blog would magically solve all of my problems. I thought that somehow I would be doing my friends a favour by just unloading myself emotionally to a world of cyber strangers instead of on them. To be completely honest, I don't think that worked very well. I still speak to my friends about my problems, among other things, and the fact that I now share my 'negativity' with the whole world which is even worse to a degree. I also run the risk of sounding pretty psychotic to whoever stumbles upon my blog.
I don't want to be negative and honestly I don't think I am a negative person. Obviously I'm prey to negative situations but I'm not negative by nature.
Aaahh. Do you see? There I go again as if I have something to prove. Seriously, I think I have some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain. If so, that would explain so much. But alas I don't... Or I haven't been tested for one at least. (I don't think my mother would even go there- she doesn't want to believe that I'm anything but the 'normal child'- if there is such a thing)
So... I will continue to blog purely now in the hopes that someone might laugh at my petty dilemmas or find encouragement for a similar situation. Because I know quite well now that it doesn't matter how long a run my fingers down to the bone while typing my latest sob story... I will never find my closure. At least not this way. Time will only tell the proper way in which I could do that.
Until then, drink up. We have a whole lot more tea to get through.
--J
I've said what I have needed to say yet, why then, do I feel as though I haven't actually said anything. I guess it was stupid of me to think that a blog would magically solve all of my problems. I thought that somehow I would be doing my friends a favour by just unloading myself emotionally to a world of cyber strangers instead of on them. To be completely honest, I don't think that worked very well. I still speak to my friends about my problems, among other things, and the fact that I now share my 'negativity' with the whole world which is even worse to a degree. I also run the risk of sounding pretty psychotic to whoever stumbles upon my blog.
I don't want to be negative and honestly I don't think I am a negative person. Obviously I'm prey to negative situations but I'm not negative by nature.
Aaahh. Do you see? There I go again as if I have something to prove. Seriously, I think I have some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain. If so, that would explain so much. But alas I don't... Or I haven't been tested for one at least. (I don't think my mother would even go there- she doesn't want to believe that I'm anything but the 'normal child'- if there is such a thing)
So... I will continue to blog purely now in the hopes that someone might laugh at my petty dilemmas or find encouragement for a similar situation. Because I know quite well now that it doesn't matter how long a run my fingers down to the bone while typing my latest sob story... I will never find my closure. At least not this way. Time will only tell the proper way in which I could do that.
Until then, drink up. We have a whole lot more tea to get through.
--J
Tuesday 13 December 2011
The Way She...
She was my best friend. She still is my best friend in my mind... But in hers- that's another story. Once again, I somehow missed the moment where everything changed.
She used to love me. I think she still loves me. She just loves other people more now. That's okay, I guess... Because she's happier and that's what I want for her. I remember when there was a time where she would want to be with me. Now she wants to be with everyone else. I'm okay with that. Because her life doesn't revolve around me.
She's hurting. I'm hurting. For different reasons. I can't help her and she won't let me in any more. She doesn't want to help me and I'm okay with that. I just have to close my heart for now and leave the door unlatched until she comes knocking. I'll never not want her near. I love that child so much in a way that is so strangely maternal - it's as though she's my child; my baby. I can't bear to see her hurt or sad so it kills me that I can't do anything to help her except to let her be and to let her go...
I love her enough to be okay with the fact that things aren't going to be the same. I just miss everything about her. The way she laughs and makes me laugh. The way she makes fun of serious situations to break the tension. The way she pulls a crazy face for even the most formal of photos. The way she always convinces me to give her what she wants. The way she drinks the Nesquik that I make for her. The way she is. Who she is. I miss her.
And when the air gets too thin up there where she's soaring, she'll come back down to earth, I'll be waiting there. I'm her Jumping Castle and I will wait and watch while she has the time of her life until she needs someone to lift her up again.
I Love You Lynn.
--J.
She used to love me. I think she still loves me. She just loves other people more now. That's okay, I guess... Because she's happier and that's what I want for her. I remember when there was a time where she would want to be with me. Now she wants to be with everyone else. I'm okay with that. Because her life doesn't revolve around me.
She's hurting. I'm hurting. For different reasons. I can't help her and she won't let me in any more. She doesn't want to help me and I'm okay with that. I just have to close my heart for now and leave the door unlatched until she comes knocking. I'll never not want her near. I love that child so much in a way that is so strangely maternal - it's as though she's my child; my baby. I can't bear to see her hurt or sad so it kills me that I can't do anything to help her except to let her be and to let her go...
I love her enough to be okay with the fact that things aren't going to be the same. I just miss everything about her. The way she laughs and makes me laugh. The way she makes fun of serious situations to break the tension. The way she pulls a crazy face for even the most formal of photos. The way she always convinces me to give her what she wants. The way she drinks the Nesquik that I make for her. The way she is. Who she is. I miss her.
And when the air gets too thin up there where she's soaring, she'll come back down to earth, I'll be waiting there. I'm her Jumping Castle and I will wait and watch while she has the time of her life until she needs someone to lift her up again.
I Love You Lynn.
--J.
I Wish I Could Fly
I wish there was a way that I could learn how to fly. Like really. Imagine if you could actually fly. That would be epic, don't you think?
If I could fly then I would never be able to commit suicide by jumping off any buildings of considerable height. Which would be a plus. If I could fly, I wouldn't have to learn how to drive so I would be eco-friendly too. Another plus.
Yeah, I want to fly. So then I don't have to worry about falling.
Another plus.
--J.
If I could fly then I would never be able to commit suicide by jumping off any buildings of considerable height. Which would be a plus. If I could fly, I wouldn't have to learn how to drive so I would be eco-friendly too. Another plus.
Yeah, I want to fly. So then I don't have to worry about falling.
Another plus.
--J.
Monday 12 December 2011
Beasts
Take a look at your life from the perspective of an outsider. Is it as good as you thought it was? Or is it as screwed up as you claimed? You might be surprised by what you notice when you just come up for air and take a step back to marvel at what you have
become or what you have been reduced to.
Think about what has gotten you to where you are today. Who are the people that influenced you or were influenced by you? Who said all the right things... And who actively tried to drive you over the edge? Are you a better person from your experiences? Or have you just stooped down to the lull of poor character that society has, for so long now, become accustomed to producing and encouraging. Think about whether or not you deserve what you have. You probably don't- and that's the case with most people.
The thing is that when we look at our lives selfishly without considering what and who got us to where we are, we often miss out on what our lives truly have to offer mainly because we don't know what we've got... Until it's gone that is and that's when everyone decides to tell you you're an idiot for letting it go.
It's so easy to have a pity party and resign yourself to a life of misery or, on the other side of the scale, be oblivious of the way you treat others because of the personal bliss you may be experiencing.
So, don't get caught up in your own agenda... We weren't put on Earth to merely go about by ourselves. Humans are a species rich in community and social dependency. We need to love each other and to be loved. Otherwise we might as well cast humanity aside and become beasts.
For that is all we are without love for one another.
--J.
become or what you have been reduced to.
Think about what has gotten you to where you are today. Who are the people that influenced you or were influenced by you? Who said all the right things... And who actively tried to drive you over the edge? Are you a better person from your experiences? Or have you just stooped down to the lull of poor character that society has, for so long now, become accustomed to producing and encouraging. Think about whether or not you deserve what you have. You probably don't- and that's the case with most people.
The thing is that when we look at our lives selfishly without considering what and who got us to where we are, we often miss out on what our lives truly have to offer mainly because we don't know what we've got... Until it's gone that is and that's when everyone decides to tell you you're an idiot for letting it go.
It's so easy to have a pity party and resign yourself to a life of misery or, on the other side of the scale, be oblivious of the way you treat others because of the personal bliss you may be experiencing.
So, don't get caught up in your own agenda... We weren't put on Earth to merely go about by ourselves. Humans are a species rich in community and social dependency. We need to love each other and to be loved. Otherwise we might as well cast humanity aside and become beasts.
For that is all we are without love for one another.
--J.
Saturday 10 December 2011
Veins
Time flies
When you're having fun
And the game is all good
If you're the one who won
_______________________________
It's amazing to me that I am so blessed by the people in my life. My friends are absolutely awesome and they just make me want to be a better person. It's so easy to take happy moments for granted. We just notice the crappy moments because they fall out of nowhere and ruin our pretty little pictures of what we want life to look like.
I love my happy moments. I've learnt, the hard way, to appreciate the Now instead of worrying about the past and the future. Worrying does nothing but make you miserable. I'm not saying that you shouldn't care about anything and that you should be completely over-chilled. It's completely normal to be concerned about things and about people but worrying? No.
I was working in the garden with my family today and it was hot and sunny. I looked down at my hands and forearms... And all I saw was my veins. You know how your veins are more prevalent when you've been exercising and your heart rate is up? Yeah. It just made me think about all the things I used to worry about and how I wasted precious time over practically nothing.
At cricket practices and matches, my coach (the 'brother' I always talk about) always wears short sleeve sports tops. I always saw the veins that ran up his arms. In my mind, it felt like I needed to exercise myself to breaking point and earn my 'veins'. I worried so much about my appearance and how people saw me- how he saw me. It didn't make me any happier or make anyone else any happier either.
Anyway. I just hope that it will be easier to maintain a sense of happiness for a while at least.
Time to go sleep.
--J
When you're having fun
And the game is all good
If you're the one who won
_______________________________
It's amazing to me that I am so blessed by the people in my life. My friends are absolutely awesome and they just make me want to be a better person. It's so easy to take happy moments for granted. We just notice the crappy moments because they fall out of nowhere and ruin our pretty little pictures of what we want life to look like.
I love my happy moments. I've learnt, the hard way, to appreciate the Now instead of worrying about the past and the future. Worrying does nothing but make you miserable. I'm not saying that you shouldn't care about anything and that you should be completely over-chilled. It's completely normal to be concerned about things and about people but worrying? No.
I was working in the garden with my family today and it was hot and sunny. I looked down at my hands and forearms... And all I saw was my veins. You know how your veins are more prevalent when you've been exercising and your heart rate is up? Yeah. It just made me think about all the things I used to worry about and how I wasted precious time over practically nothing.
At cricket practices and matches, my coach (the 'brother' I always talk about) always wears short sleeve sports tops. I always saw the veins that ran up his arms. In my mind, it felt like I needed to exercise myself to breaking point and earn my 'veins'. I worried so much about my appearance and how people saw me- how he saw me. It didn't make me any happier or make anyone else any happier either.
Anyway. I just hope that it will be easier to maintain a sense of happiness for a while at least.
Time to go sleep.
--J
Tuesday 6 December 2011
I Wish I Could Help You
Here we go... More complaining about my poor, sad life. Truthfully, my life isn't sad or, in any way, poor- I'm just rather good at convincing myself that it is though. I have so many amazing people in my life and I take most of them for granted.
My family and friends are always there for me and yet I manage to let one person weasel their way in and make me upset and I seem to forget that my life goes beyond that one person. That's why I should never ever like boys... Because I get way too attached way too easily and it is quite the buzz kill.
My friends mean the world to me. Some of them, however, hold a slightly bigger portion of my heart. One person in particular, has my whole heart. She's beautiful, smart, hilarious and so incredibly talented. She's been through more than I can ever imagine and I have a huge amount of respect for her because of that. My only wish is that I could help her. She's dealing with the bleaker side of life's events at the moment and my only wish would be that I were able to fully understand and be able to help her. I don't think she understands how much I love her. I, myself, find it quite unreal that I have so much love for this one person. In my mind, she's like my baby. Sometimes it's frustrating because I judge myself for loving her so much. I hate seeing her struggle silently and not be able to help. I feel so helpless and kind of selfish in a way. I just love her so much that I would do anything so that she would never have to experience pain again. I wish I could help her.
I'm leaving on prefect camp tomorrow and I will only get back on Friday. So I promise that I will then fill you in on the many, hopefully wondrous, events that will take place over the next three days.
Help those you love. I'm sure they'd love your help.
--J.
My family and friends are always there for me and yet I manage to let one person weasel their way in and make me upset and I seem to forget that my life goes beyond that one person. That's why I should never ever like boys... Because I get way too attached way too easily and it is quite the buzz kill.
My friends mean the world to me. Some of them, however, hold a slightly bigger portion of my heart. One person in particular, has my whole heart. She's beautiful, smart, hilarious and so incredibly talented. She's been through more than I can ever imagine and I have a huge amount of respect for her because of that. My only wish is that I could help her. She's dealing with the bleaker side of life's events at the moment and my only wish would be that I were able to fully understand and be able to help her. I don't think she understands how much I love her. I, myself, find it quite unreal that I have so much love for this one person. In my mind, she's like my baby. Sometimes it's frustrating because I judge myself for loving her so much. I hate seeing her struggle silently and not be able to help. I feel so helpless and kind of selfish in a way. I just love her so much that I would do anything so that she would never have to experience pain again. I wish I could help her.
I'm leaving on prefect camp tomorrow and I will only get back on Friday. So I promise that I will then fill you in on the many, hopefully wondrous, events that will take place over the next three days.
Help those you love. I'm sure they'd love your help.
--J.
What Happens Now?
Today was spent receiving the marks of all of the exams I wrote over the past 3 weeks. Some results were great and other were quite disappointing. Nevertheless I am unofficially done with grade 11 and I'll be in Matric (grade 12) in a little over a month's time.
After evaluating some of the situations I am currently in, I am left with the question: "What happens now?" Have you ever just been in a situation where you can't really do anything to change what's happening? Or perhaps you're tired of trying to change things that just refuse to work out in your favour? Well... what does one do in that circumstance?
I'm not sure if I should be trying harder at the moment because in past experiences, I seem to mess things up too easily and I don't want to take that risk again. I would actually like to live a happy and uncomplicated life for a little while at least.
I feel so uncertain about everything at the moment and it's making me feel like such a failure. To make matters worse it kind of feels as though everybody thinks I'm insane. Okay well I know that I'm not the most normal person around but I don't want to think of myself as psychotic. Hopefully its all just in my head and people don't think of me as some kind of lunatic. Wow... Just listen to me going on about this. I'm getting quite frustrated here.
So if I can't make the guy I'm crazy about come back from Namibia what do I do now?
If I can't help my best friend and she can't be there for me because of things she's dealing with then what do I do now?
And if my friend/'brother' probably hates me at the moment then what do I do now?
Sigh. I guess it's all about patience for now and trusting God right? If you're not religious then I don't know how you handle your problems. Even though I sometimes forget and take God for granted, it's amazing that I have someone to talk to and someone who will listen to me. I know that may sound weird if religion isn't your thing... But it's mine so I guess I'm okay if I'm the only one who understands what I'm talking about.
I guess that what happens now is that I'll be forced to wait and pray that things will get better. Keeping my head held high and a smile on my face.
--J
After evaluating some of the situations I am currently in, I am left with the question: "What happens now?" Have you ever just been in a situation where you can't really do anything to change what's happening? Or perhaps you're tired of trying to change things that just refuse to work out in your favour? Well... what does one do in that circumstance?
I'm not sure if I should be trying harder at the moment because in past experiences, I seem to mess things up too easily and I don't want to take that risk again. I would actually like to live a happy and uncomplicated life for a little while at least.
I feel so uncertain about everything at the moment and it's making me feel like such a failure. To make matters worse it kind of feels as though everybody thinks I'm insane. Okay well I know that I'm not the most normal person around but I don't want to think of myself as psychotic. Hopefully its all just in my head and people don't think of me as some kind of lunatic. Wow... Just listen to me going on about this. I'm getting quite frustrated here.
So if I can't make the guy I'm crazy about come back from Namibia what do I do now?
If I can't help my best friend and she can't be there for me because of things she's dealing with then what do I do now?
And if my friend/'brother' probably hates me at the moment then what do I do now?
Sigh. I guess it's all about patience for now and trusting God right? If you're not religious then I don't know how you handle your problems. Even though I sometimes forget and take God for granted, it's amazing that I have someone to talk to and someone who will listen to me. I know that may sound weird if religion isn't your thing... But it's mine so I guess I'm okay if I'm the only one who understands what I'm talking about.
I guess that what happens now is that I'll be forced to wait and pray that things will get better. Keeping my head held high and a smile on my face.
--J
Sunday 4 December 2011
I Hate Your Expectations
I'm anaemic. I suffer from sleep deprivation. I hate my body. I cut myself. I have mild clinical depression. I have problems... And I just wish that people would stop expecting me to simply get over them.
I'm not genuinely happy. I act happy and experience moments of happiness when I'm with people that I love and love me in return. At the same time though, I'm not a pessimist whose only goal in live is to shoot down any hope of being happy. Yes, I have self doubt and sometimes I'm negative about situations. That doesn't mean that I'm always negative. People expect things to be easy for you when they're looking from the outside in but how can a person actually do that?! You can't see inside me. You don't know what's raising me up or tearing me apart inside. So stop expecting me to be positive about everything just because you're in a good place in your life and because you're more sure of yourself than I am of myself.
As a Christian, I find it incredibly hard to live up to Godly expectations already so I don't need to be reminded that I'm not doing right by God when I'm negative about things instead of trusting Him. I know that God has a plan for my life and for everyone else but I am allowed to question the principle religion [religion as a whole- not Christianity by itself]and to challenge what I don't understand. I believe whole-heartedly that God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for the sins of the world so we could have a chance at an eternity in heaven. I'm ecstatic about that fact- It's great. However, that doesn't mean that I'm going to live my life without ever having a doubt and without making mistakes. I'm HUMAN... And yes, I love God and I will try harder to praise Him and to let His light shine through me but that doesn't mean I'm perfect!
I'm messed up. My own mind deceives me. I judge myself more harshly than anyone else does. I will never think I'm good enough for anyone. I'm a pathological people pleaser. A Type B personality if you want to be technical about it. I've gotten into the habit over the last two years of thinking more with my emotions and abandoning logic which means that I get hurt a lot more because I allow more things to affect me. Right now I'm sitting here having a heated debate in my brain about whether or not I'm talking about something credible at all. What I mean by that is that I'm so unhappy right now but at the same I am so incredibly lucky at the same time. There are millions of people in my own country, never mind the rest of the world, that are starving and are homeless without any hope of getting out of the slum that they are in. Yet here I am blogging selfishly about how I'm unhappy with myself and with my life. On the other side of the spectrum, I think about what my drama teacher once said to our class... "No problem is bigger or smaller than the other. Your problem is big to you and in your life. You can't compare problems." If we did compare problems, I think it would cause even more chaos because then nobody would think that their problems were good enough to deal with... And that would just make everything even worse than it was initially don't you think? So my problem(s) is/are big... To Me.
Right now, I feel like people are disappearing. Again. To me it seems that crucial people leave my life simultaneously. I remember in about March/April of this year that I felt like I do now. My dad went to Spain for a month for a camino walk. A friend of mine who I call my brother who is also my cricket coach seemed to disappear because I never saw him outside of cricket matches and practices and he hardly ever spoke to me. So he was gone too. Soon after, my best friend went to the U.S. to visit her family but during one of the most stressful times of my life when I really wished that she was there with me. Now it's similar. My 'brother' is gone because the second half of the cricket season is now over so I never see him. [Because I'm always so "negative" he doesn't like talking to me. Apparently I just speak about my problems. Maybe that's because nothing else gets a reaction. If I'm happy it feels like he reckons that he doesn't need to worry about. So I make him worry. I do anything to make him see that I'm still here- covered in blood- needing him. If he reads this he'll probably shake his head in disappointment, he'll be irritated and he won't speak to me. This won't make him see that I want him to be an active part of my life again and that I don't know what happened a year ago when he stopped talking to me all of a sudden. This is an assumption... I don't know what's going on his mind or in his heart. He won't let me in. No matter how many times I tell him I love him and that I think he's amazing.] Anyway, wow I digress. The guy that I am still so crazy about is no longer in South Africa, he's gone back to Namibia to be with his family before he comes back to Cape Town to study at UCT. Communication is hard and I don't know whether I should move on or embrace my feelings for him. Needless to say that he's gone. Perhaps the most recent occurrence in which I felt abandoned was with one of my closest friends. We were both elected as prefects for 2012 but due to the consequences of an infringement of sorts, she is no longer a prefect. She was the person I felt closest to in the prefect body. And because we haven't been as close lately I was secretly hoping that we would become as close as we used to be by both being prefects. When we received the news that she was no longer a prefect, I lost all hope in myself. I didn't want to be a prefect any more because she wasn't going to be there. [That was pure emotion talking- see? no logic on my end] I suddenly felt as though I was lost and as though I could not fulfil my duties as a prefect and as Deputy Head Girl because now something was missing. I just have so many holes in my heart and it's not like I don't try to be happy... It's just that I often find myself stumbling over those thoughts of loneliness and self doubt and hurt by accident and at any given moment. I can't pretend like I don't have things that are haunting me. Things that really are just hurting me.
I hate it when people think that you should be happy just because they are. I'm happy for those people who are genuinely happy, really I am. I just don't want to be judged for having problems... because everyone goes through painful experiences at some point in their lives.
Stop judging me! I speak more to myself than to anyone else. You are your own Simon Cowell/Randall Abrahams- It's so easy to point out the flaws in ourselves because it's the first thing we look for when we look at ourselves. Don't let yourself fall into that trap- trust me, it just ruins everything.
I hate society for having expectations. I Love My Friends. I Love My Family. I Love My 'Brother'. But I hate their expectations of me to be okay. I'm not okay. I'll get there on my own time though.
I Hate My Expectations Of Myself. I've broken myself.
Congratulations if you made it through reading this post. I suggest you go do something fun now.
Love.
--J.
I'm not genuinely happy. I act happy and experience moments of happiness when I'm with people that I love and love me in return. At the same time though, I'm not a pessimist whose only goal in live is to shoot down any hope of being happy. Yes, I have self doubt and sometimes I'm negative about situations. That doesn't mean that I'm always negative. People expect things to be easy for you when they're looking from the outside in but how can a person actually do that?! You can't see inside me. You don't know what's raising me up or tearing me apart inside. So stop expecting me to be positive about everything just because you're in a good place in your life and because you're more sure of yourself than I am of myself.
As a Christian, I find it incredibly hard to live up to Godly expectations already so I don't need to be reminded that I'm not doing right by God when I'm negative about things instead of trusting Him. I know that God has a plan for my life and for everyone else but I am allowed to question the principle religion [religion as a whole- not Christianity by itself]and to challenge what I don't understand. I believe whole-heartedly that God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for the sins of the world so we could have a chance at an eternity in heaven. I'm ecstatic about that fact- It's great. However, that doesn't mean that I'm going to live my life without ever having a doubt and without making mistakes. I'm HUMAN... And yes, I love God and I will try harder to praise Him and to let His light shine through me but that doesn't mean I'm perfect!
I'm messed up. My own mind deceives me. I judge myself more harshly than anyone else does. I will never think I'm good enough for anyone. I'm a pathological people pleaser. A Type B personality if you want to be technical about it. I've gotten into the habit over the last two years of thinking more with my emotions and abandoning logic which means that I get hurt a lot more because I allow more things to affect me. Right now I'm sitting here having a heated debate in my brain about whether or not I'm talking about something credible at all. What I mean by that is that I'm so unhappy right now but at the same I am so incredibly lucky at the same time. There are millions of people in my own country, never mind the rest of the world, that are starving and are homeless without any hope of getting out of the slum that they are in. Yet here I am blogging selfishly about how I'm unhappy with myself and with my life. On the other side of the spectrum, I think about what my drama teacher once said to our class... "No problem is bigger or smaller than the other. Your problem is big to you and in your life. You can't compare problems." If we did compare problems, I think it would cause even more chaos because then nobody would think that their problems were good enough to deal with... And that would just make everything even worse than it was initially don't you think? So my problem(s) is/are big... To Me.
Right now, I feel like people are disappearing. Again. To me it seems that crucial people leave my life simultaneously. I remember in about March/April of this year that I felt like I do now. My dad went to Spain for a month for a camino walk. A friend of mine who I call my brother who is also my cricket coach seemed to disappear because I never saw him outside of cricket matches and practices and he hardly ever spoke to me. So he was gone too. Soon after, my best friend went to the U.S. to visit her family but during one of the most stressful times of my life when I really wished that she was there with me. Now it's similar. My 'brother' is gone because the second half of the cricket season is now over so I never see him. [Because I'm always so "negative" he doesn't like talking to me. Apparently I just speak about my problems. Maybe that's because nothing else gets a reaction. If I'm happy it feels like he reckons that he doesn't need to worry about. So I make him worry. I do anything to make him see that I'm still here- covered in blood- needing him. If he reads this he'll probably shake his head in disappointment, he'll be irritated and he won't speak to me. This won't make him see that I want him to be an active part of my life again and that I don't know what happened a year ago when he stopped talking to me all of a sudden. This is an assumption... I don't know what's going on his mind or in his heart. He won't let me in. No matter how many times I tell him I love him and that I think he's amazing.] Anyway, wow I digress. The guy that I am still so crazy about is no longer in South Africa, he's gone back to Namibia to be with his family before he comes back to Cape Town to study at UCT. Communication is hard and I don't know whether I should move on or embrace my feelings for him. Needless to say that he's gone. Perhaps the most recent occurrence in which I felt abandoned was with one of my closest friends. We were both elected as prefects for 2012 but due to the consequences of an infringement of sorts, she is no longer a prefect. She was the person I felt closest to in the prefect body. And because we haven't been as close lately I was secretly hoping that we would become as close as we used to be by both being prefects. When we received the news that she was no longer a prefect, I lost all hope in myself. I didn't want to be a prefect any more because she wasn't going to be there. [That was pure emotion talking- see? no logic on my end] I suddenly felt as though I was lost and as though I could not fulfil my duties as a prefect and as Deputy Head Girl because now something was missing. I just have so many holes in my heart and it's not like I don't try to be happy... It's just that I often find myself stumbling over those thoughts of loneliness and self doubt and hurt by accident and at any given moment. I can't pretend like I don't have things that are haunting me. Things that really are just hurting me.
I hate it when people think that you should be happy just because they are. I'm happy for those people who are genuinely happy, really I am. I just don't want to be judged for having problems... because everyone goes through painful experiences at some point in their lives.
Stop judging me! I speak more to myself than to anyone else. You are your own Simon Cowell/Randall Abrahams- It's so easy to point out the flaws in ourselves because it's the first thing we look for when we look at ourselves. Don't let yourself fall into that trap- trust me, it just ruins everything.
I hate society for having expectations. I Love My Friends. I Love My Family. I Love My 'Brother'. But I hate their expectations of me to be okay. I'm not okay. I'll get there on my own time though.
I Hate My Expectations Of Myself. I've broken myself.
Congratulations if you made it through reading this post. I suggest you go do something fun now.
Love.
--J.
Saturday 3 December 2011
The Photographer In Me
These are a few of the pictures that I've taken of my darling baby (No, teacups, she's not my actual baby- she's the daughter of a family friend). She's such a beautiful, amazing little person. I love her so much. I adore her.
She's my baby.
--J.
Inspired & Insane
Lately I've been feeling rather motivated to just do everything. Have you ever noticed, though, that you always get your greatest ideas when you're half asleep, nowhere near a pen and paper or drunk beyond belief.
Luckily for me, I keep on having these amazing brain waves when I'm near my laptop or cellphone or with a friend who I can speak to about it. I just hope that I can follow through with all of them. It's not about how you start, it's about how you finish.
I feel so hyper actually... And excited. I want to do so much. I want to be busy.
I feel so wordy and creative. I'm on a happy buzz.
Being on a happy buzz makes me act like a crazy mental person. I think I know why I'm usually depressed then. Haha.
Wow, what's up with this mood.
--J.
Luckily for me, I keep on having these amazing brain waves when I'm near my laptop or cellphone or with a friend who I can speak to about it. I just hope that I can follow through with all of them. It's not about how you start, it's about how you finish.
I feel so hyper actually... And excited. I want to do so much. I want to be busy.
I feel so wordy and creative. I'm on a happy buzz.
Being on a happy buzz makes me act like a crazy mental person. I think I know why I'm usually depressed then. Haha.
Wow, what's up with this mood.
--J.
Thursday 1 December 2011
Dream Realm - Jillian Lawrence
There's a part of me that's burning
Waiting
Crying
And then I wake up
People pass me by
There faces aren't their own
Just masks
I'm on my own
The dream realm is where you are
Where you tempt me
Hold me
Ignite me
It's a nightmare
In my dream realm
Because that's where you are
That's where we are
When I wake up
I'm safe again
You're not there when I wake up
I breathe
I go to sleep each night
And I always let you in
I let you use me
Abuse me
In my dream realm
You touch me
I'm touched by you
I'm possessed by the flames
Reality keeps me from fire
From my deepest desire
To have you
To let you have me
In reality they expect things of me
I'm told who to be
You're not there
You're only in my dream realm
I always visit you
I always return
Because I like the hurt
The pain is good
Reality is where I hide what they won't like
The shadow of me
My shadow self
The part of me that always wants more
The nightmare in my dream realm
It's where I scream
Where you torture me
Where I let you torture me
I want too much
I can't ask them for it
So I beg the dream realm for it
And I let the blood rush
You wait for me
You wait to break me
I don't say a word
I don't make you stop
It's because I want this nightmare
I want my dream realm
Because I feel alive in there
I feel loved in there
I feel wanted by my nightmare
So I come back to let you hurt me
My blood is not sacred in my dream realm
I let you destroy me
Destroy me
Ruin me
The burning part you satisfy within me
Fully. In my dream realm
...Then I wake up.
--J.
Waiting
Crying
And then I wake up
People pass me by
There faces aren't their own
Just masks
I'm on my own
The dream realm is where you are
Where you tempt me
Hold me
Ignite me
It's a nightmare
In my dream realm
Because that's where you are
That's where we are
When I wake up
I'm safe again
You're not there when I wake up
I breathe
I go to sleep each night
And I always let you in
I let you use me
Abuse me
In my dream realm
You touch me
I'm touched by you
I'm possessed by the flames
Reality keeps me from fire
From my deepest desire
To have you
To let you have me
In reality they expect things of me
I'm told who to be
You're not there
You're only in my dream realm
I always visit you
I always return
Because I like the hurt
The pain is good
Reality is where I hide what they won't like
The shadow of me
My shadow self
The part of me that always wants more
The nightmare in my dream realm
It's where I scream
Where you torture me
Where I let you torture me
I want too much
I can't ask them for it
So I beg the dream realm for it
And I let the blood rush
You wait for me
You wait to break me
I don't say a word
I don't make you stop
It's because I want this nightmare
I want my dream realm
Because I feel alive in there
I feel loved in there
I feel wanted by my nightmare
So I come back to let you hurt me
My blood is not sacred in my dream realm
I let you destroy me
Destroy me
Ruin me
The burning part you satisfy within me
Fully. In my dream realm
...Then I wake up.
--J.
Wednesday 30 November 2011
Believe The Best
Expectations. We all have them. We expect certain things from certain people. Sometimes one can go as far as building up an image that someone has to live up to... And when they don't quite reach those expectations we feel let down because of what we actually end up experiencing, right?
I find it strange that because we are human, we have so much ability to do so much in the lives of others yet our flaws make it possible for us to do so many stupid things. In addition to none of us being perfect, we proceed to make life more complicated. Guys can say that girls complicate things unnecessarily but let me just say that guys aren't completely innocent either.
Speaking from a personal point of view, I know that it's so easy to just assume the worst of someone. Luckily it's something that is a choice and we have the ability to control. Recently I've learnt that there's a gap between what we expect and what we experience. We can choose to fill the gap with either "assuming the worst" or "believing the best". It's the most common thing just to assume that people will let us down because that's just how society has trained us to think. All that assuming the worst does is ruin relationships. Why? Because you convince yourself that you cannot trust that other person and what's a relationship without trust? A broken one.
I'm the kind of person that usually believes the best in people. Sometimes, however, I'm blind to whether people actually genuinely have good intentions or if they're just using me. So basically what I'm getting at is that I get hurt a lot. I'm a push over... A doormat... A people pleaser. Yes, one of those. I'm cool with that. You may not be though, so just be careful. Believe the best until they actually do something to break your trust. Don't break it prematurely.
Believe the best about others. Believe the best about yourself.
--J.
I find it strange that because we are human, we have so much ability to do so much in the lives of others yet our flaws make it possible for us to do so many stupid things. In addition to none of us being perfect, we proceed to make life more complicated. Guys can say that girls complicate things unnecessarily but let me just say that guys aren't completely innocent either.
Speaking from a personal point of view, I know that it's so easy to just assume the worst of someone. Luckily it's something that is a choice and we have the ability to control. Recently I've learnt that there's a gap between what we expect and what we experience. We can choose to fill the gap with either "assuming the worst" or "believing the best". It's the most common thing just to assume that people will let us down because that's just how society has trained us to think. All that assuming the worst does is ruin relationships. Why? Because you convince yourself that you cannot trust that other person and what's a relationship without trust? A broken one.
I'm the kind of person that usually believes the best in people. Sometimes, however, I'm blind to whether people actually genuinely have good intentions or if they're just using me. So basically what I'm getting at is that I get hurt a lot. I'm a push over... A doormat... A people pleaser. Yes, one of those. I'm cool with that. You may not be though, so just be careful. Believe the best until they actually do something to break your trust. Don't break it prematurely.Believe the best about others. Believe the best about yourself.
--J.
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