No One, Exactly.

I've gotten to a point where I don't care any more. I think it's sad but then again I don't exactly care that I don't care. It's somewhat of a vicious cycle.

I don't care that someone who claims that I'm one of their closest friends, hasn't made an effort to talk to me or see me in a about month. I'll admit that it hurts a lot and that it makes me really upset but when it comes to caring about it? I just don't. I've stopped trying with him because that never seems to get me anywhere so I've become familiar with doing nothing and with being nothing to him any more. He must not need me any more. I can't cry about it and I won't try to fix because what's the point? 

I don't care about my body and what's healthy for me. I can eat myself into a coma on one day and then eat near to nothing for a week. I don't care that anorexia is an eating disorder and that it's not the best way to go about losing weight... I don't care what I put my body through. I don't care about the pain that I inflict on myself... It has become all too natural for me. Scars used to mark the times when I was deeply hurt or sad... Now? They mark boredom and restlessness... and an immense sense of frustration.

I don't care that I'm lonely or perpetually sad. I don't even notice it any more because I've somehow managed to let my life live itself and carry on mindlessly. I don't care that I don't believe in love for myself any more. I don't care that I despise what I used to want the most - a relationship. Now, I don't want to get married, I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to fall into the trap of giving most, if not all, of me to someone else. I don't care if people that love makes you happier. It can also break you. I'm a coward. I don't take risks. Besides, who would want me? No one, exactly. 

I care about people. Don't misunderstand. I just don't care about my life any more. At this moment. I'm hoping that it's a phase and that I'll grow up and out of it soon.

I hate that I don't recognise how much I've let myself slip by not caring. I hate my body, I hate who I've become... and the things I've done as a result of not fearing consequence. I hate that I'm not who I was a year and a half ago. I hate that I've become so negative and in a sense, existential. I hate my emotions... We used to be so in sync with one another and now we're just not on the same page.

I hate that I've wasted your time.

--J.

To Rule & To Ruin

I'm afraid that the time has come for me to be perfectly and brutally honest with you.No matter hard I try or no matter how much you claim to care... I will never be good for you. 

I'm miserable, emotional and depressed beyond your reach. You can't change me. I can't and won't change for you even though I love you more than life itself. It's not possible for me to relinquish my personality. I am my own poison. The sooner I die of my own toxicity, the better your life will be for the lack of me in it.

I look for your attention... in all the wrong ways. People look at me - at people like me and ask "Why do they do the things they do?"... Most of what I do is a cry for attention. When I'm 'happy' people don't care. People think you're fine and that you don't need their attention so they leave you to your own devices and turn back to their own happy lives while pouring their attention to that 'special someone'. People think that when I'm 'happy'or in a good mental space that I don't need any attention so they don't give it to me. Then I do something stupid or slip back into depression... and suddenly everybody comes running. Everybody suddenly wants me to be okay again. Everybody wants to try to fix me. 

What's saddening is that the majority of my idiocy is for attention while there actually are genuine moments where I need help or I'm sad for a reason other than I feel neglected. Nobody will ever believe that because I'm a typical "Cry Wolf" case. My attention-seeking is what drives people away. It gets to be too much... understandably so. But I can't stop... And I can't run from myself.

You've asked me to stop so many times and I keep on messing up on countless occasions. Many people have tried before you and have failed up until this point. I'm never going to stop. I have a problem, an addiction of sorts. It's something that is both ruling and ruining my life. I can't expect you or anyone else, for that matter, to change that... And you can't expect that I'll change because you asked me to. 

I love you. I love you more than you'll ever be able understand. An upside to being obscenely emotional, is that you have the ability to love harder and deeper. Now believe me when I say that I love you. I hate that I hurt you and I hate that I push you to the edge of leaving. I hate myself for what I've done to you as a result of what I've done to myself. 

I can't promise that I'll get better and I can't promise that I'll stop. My mind works in a way that you will never understand... I will never understand it either but I have come to accept it. I don't want to hurt you further by making promises that I know I'll ultimately end up breaking. I don't want you to think that by breaking a promise that I never should've made, that I love you any less. Please know that broken promises weren't intended with malice but rather a testament to the fact that I'm not ready or able to change.

When it gets to be too much - even past the point of masochism... When it gets to a realm of darkened and twisted thoughts ending only in death - you are my saving grace. Part of the reason why I'm alive is because of you... because I could never be able to say goodbye to someone like you. I'll never die by my own hands because you make me fear goodbyes and because God has made me fear death. 

In summary, I suppose I'll never be the friend that you deserve. I'll never not be a masochistic coward of note. I will never stop being an attention-deprived complainer with abandonment issues. I'll never be able to keep the promises that will put your mind at ease. I'll never change. 

I will never say goodbye. I will never stop caring. I will never stop trying. 

I will never stop loving you. 

--J.

Safer This Way

You've got that look in your eyes... Like you've got something to lose. It's driving me crazy because I want to make you see that you could make it work with me. I wonder if you'd be impressed... I wonder if perhaps I could make you happy... If you'd be happy - if you'd just let me try.

I'm not too bad, am I? I know I'm not the skinniest or the prettiest girl around but does that mean that I can't get a shot at love... Or if not love, at least acceptance. I would love to know what's wrong with me because I'm tired of trying to assume based on my own observations. I don't see what you see... I wish you would just tell me what it is that you see. Maybe then I would know what to do to change myself into someone that you'd want to be with. Is that too far-fetched for me to think?

It's different with you. I know that's cliché for me to say. Anybody who is reading this and has even the slightest of cynical tendencies would be rolling there eyes. The reason why it's different though is because, I don't have feelings for you. I suppose my body and my mind have finally learnt how to be clever with what I feel and who I feel it for. I know you don't like me that way, I just want you to. Even though I want you to like me, I've managed to somehow not develop feelings for you. How does that make sense? Am I simply living in denial... Living in fear? Yes, I suppose I might be... That's understandable considering that I couldn't bear to be rejected are hurt again. For now I'm content with innocence and friendship but I will only look at you differently when you ask me to... Otherwise, I might lose you on account of my recklessness. I've made the mistake of jeopardising what I value before only to have it taken from me... I can't live with that again. In all of my stupidity, at least I have learnt.

I cringe at the thought of you wanting someone else - some unsung jealousy, perhaps? I can't help it... Really. It stills me. It's good because it reminds me that I'm not entitled to anything - including love... from anyone. In a way I seem to have grown in the respect that I no longer want love. In fact, I will go so far as to say that I don't believe in love myself... Only because believing in it would encourage me to expect it. I don't want to expect love... I want it to take me by complete surprise. Perhaps then it won't hurt me.

After re-reading what I've just written, it's quite strange to see how I've digressed. Oh, the denial is a violent thing - maybe I shouldn't be calling it denial if that's not really what it is. It's all fear. I'm living in fear but somehow, instead of restricting me or making me miserable in life, it seems to be one of the only things keeping me safe. 

It's not you that could hurt me... I have to worried about hurting myself. It's not you that I'm scared of - it's my track record that makes me so grossly fearful. The situations are similar and I know what previous outcomes have been so needless to say that I don't want to relive that part of my life. I'd rather be happy.

The more I talk about this, the more I'm convincing myself not to want to try - so don't let me try? Is that what I want? I don't really know what I want. I guess I should stop thinking about it so much. I might be a bit more successful in getting you off of my mind if I did. 

That look in your eyes still haunts me because I can't quite understand it. It makes me wonder, it makes me curious. We can't have that, now can we? So to rephrase, I won't ask you to let me try to figure you out. Because I'm run by my fear but I'm safer that way and to some extent, so are you.

Because Death Welcomes Devils - Jillian Lawrence

Little girl

Please don’t look so sad

Are things really that bad?

I bet you’re normal

I bet you’re fine

Why is there fire in your eyes?

Who filled your head with lies?

It may come as a surprise

But I’ll keep your secret…

Yes, I mean it.

Where’s your soul?

Are you alone?

Talk to me

I won’t hurt you 

Let me see…

Inside.

I lied.

You stupid girl,

You ugly girl.

Did heaven break you…

Or did hell decide to

Curse you.

Little girl, 

Please don’t cry

There are too many people

They’ll want to know why.

Don’t make excuses

You know you’re useless.

Don’t look at me

Like you didn’t know…

Perhaps I should go

Before your poison seeps through me

Get away from me.

Go back home

You don’t have a home?

That’s no surprise

A person that is touched by you…

Surely dies. 

You’re your own demise.

Stupid girl.

Yes, I’m laughing 

Because you’re lost

Imagine the cost-

The cost of the air you’re wasting

Standing here

Being infected by your existence

How exasperating.

Go kill yourself-

Death welcomes devils.

Twisted souls don’t belong here…

Only those without fear

You’ve got plenty

What? You’re empty?

Stupid girl.

Trust you to lose yourself,

Trust you to not be someone else.

Go away,

Oh you waste of a day.

Give your heart to a bastard

Give your body to a whore

Oh you have?

Now, why do you want more?

You don’t deserve it.

You could never earn it.

I should slit your throat for good measure

And then slit your wrists for the pleasure…

Little girl,

Let me watch you bleed

And hear you plead…

Beg for forgiveness

For your brokenness.

I’m hurting you?

So what?

I lied

While you confessed your sins

And cried.

I didn’t mean I wouldn’t hurt you

I didn’t mean what I said
Now off with your head,

You’d be better off dead…

Because Death Welcomes Devils.

Come Back To Me - Jillian Lawrence

I thought I was dead
But I’m hanging on by 
A thread.
Here we go again
Morbid the misery…
There are ashes in my eyes
There is dust on the ground
Markers of the place
Where you uttered your
Dying sound.
You were everything to me
Now you’re gone…
Totally gone from me.
I can hear your breathing
Heavy against my chest…
You told me you were leaving
I wasn’t ready for you to go yet.
Open your eyes. Please.
Come back to me,
Tell me it’s okay
And that I won’t be lonely…
Breathe yourself back to life
I know death may seem so comfortable
But I’m miserable.
I just wanna hold your hand 
Again.
I want to hold you for a moment 
And then…
Go with you into the night,
Into the dark, into the death.
You’ll forget me here
I won’t remember anything else,
I fear…
So don’t go now…
I’m begging your heart
To beat again somehow…
Because I can’t make it without you,
I don’t want to.
Can I bring you back to life?
My chest is pulling tight,
As the tears fall from my face 
To yours…
Wake up.
Sleep will wait for you,
But reality runs away…
And mine will cease to be at all
Unless you choose to stay…
Can we find another way?
Because it’s not time to say goodbye
I don’t want to cry
Please, oh can’t you try…
Come back to the world that
You left behind.
I can’t let you go,
It hurts too much to know
That you won’t be here tomorrow.
Turn back the time
Rewind, rewind, rewind.
So I can keep you in my mind,
So I can keep you in my heart…
We’ll never be apart.
I can only hope.
I try and I try,
Don’t ask why 
But I’m no good at goodbyes.

Figured You Out - Jillian Lawrence

I think I figured it out
I think I figured you out
But not You
Rather, Why You Left-
It’s simple…
I’m crazy.
I think I told you too much
I think I told you too soon
I think the scars were too fresh
I think my heart was too open.
You cured me of that…
Of the openness.
Now I’m nothingness,
Because it doesn’t hurt that way-
When it’s nothing;
When I’m nothing.
The un-calculated bouts of tears,
The flickering imagery
Of your face, burnt into my mind.
Thoughts of you littered in my subconscious
Causing me to doubt all that I feel…
All that I’ve felt since you left.
I’m reckless now,
Oblivious now
To what I’m capable of.
Because I don’t care
And because you don’t either.
However, rejection stings less
It’s easier to give up
Easier to see why people Want to Die.
Why they no longer want to try
Nothing goes your way when you’re…
Someone like me.
Someone who can’t believe any more
Can’t believe in love.
Won’t believe in it.
I wasted time
So much time on you
Because you set me on fire
You fuelled the beast
The hunger inside of a naive Franken-child.
False hope.
False sense of self-worth.
Had I known?
Had I known then what I was-
The monster you ran from…
I would’ve saved you the trouble.
Saved you the first kiss you stole from my lips.
Saved you from the wound in my heart that you beautifully ripped.
Bloody and tiresome-
My life after you.
So much harder to be happy
Happiness seems archaic
Archaic, archaic.
Sad is synonymous with You
Pain became all that I knew to be true
Dark rings around my eyes
From the sleep that never came back
When you never came back.
I began to try only to expect to fail
Loneliness succumbed to me
As I succumbed to it-
Now we’re best friends.
That’s why my heart is heavy
Though it’s empty.
When I was willing to love you
I was willing to give you everything
Everything that was worth giving
I almost did. 
I lost my sanity… I lost my faith
I clutched to the marred ruin that was my soul,
I clutched to God to make me fear death.
So I wouldn’t want it.
Because I did want it.
It called to me…
Softly at first-
Until It bit into my neck, clawed at my arms
Drew lifeblood from my heaving chest
And heavied my eyelids into an almost-irreversible sleep
But It forgot the braided rope
The noose for me to surrender to.
I figured it out, you see
You bludgeoned me
Lulled me into a false sense of security.
Because I’m not beautiful,
I’m not one to be wanted.
I was a fool to have thought otherwise
But I was distracted by your green, green eyes.
How pathetic they look now.
Now that I’ve figured you out.
I scared you away-
My words too twisted
When all you wanted was a body
Not a brain.
You liked the attention
Until I got creepy
Until you found out I was that I was twisted-
That blood was once my muse.
You ran…
But slowly so that you didn’t kick up the sand 
So that I wouldn’t be able to see you go…
Until it was too late.
I understand.
No, I don’t understand-
I accept.
Had I known what would become of me
After your departure
I would've left you first.
I would've run…
I would've saved my lips from the scorching of your mouth-
Saved the burning of my body at your touch.
Saved myself from your eyes.
Untangled myself from you.
Now I sit-
Just waiting…
Waiting to see if I'll be okay tomorrow.

Oh To Starve - Jillian Lawrence

When I happen  
To steal a glance at the mirror…
I cringe. 
My dignity and sanity,
Slowly unhinged.
I don’t see a person
I don’t see me…
I don’t even see what you think
That you see.
I see all of my failures-
They’re scars across my face.
A mark of the disgrace.
I see the overwhelming evidence
Of a girl unwanted.
Unneeded and defeated.
I look big, like a giant of sorts
Every blink is a thunderous roar
Every step is a trembling quake.
It must be a mistake…
Why does reality seem so fake.
Why do you see a person
While I see a mountaneous ruin.
Grotesque and obscene
Obesity of note
A fat joke…
Oh murder was all that she wrote
But never could do it.
I can’t do it.
Oh to die would be too easy
It seems too good to be true
The only downside would be
Not saying goodbye to you.
All I see in the mirror
Is the mess-
What I’ve confessed.
I can’t face it 
I can’t beat it.
It’s too big to beat.
The only solution is to starve
So that the shell of my adversity
Dwindles and dies
That way nobody cries…
Because there’s no blood,
Only my face in the mud.
Oh to starve so that I 
May fade away
Until I wish to be seen someday
The more I see
The more I’m reminded 
Of all I’ve done
Of all they did.
Oh to starve…
It seems the only way
To disappear a little more
Each day…
So that I may not be reminded
Of my darkest desires
To give up completely
To starve my body of air-
To kick the chair...
Oh to starve...
And to rid myself of life.

Don't Run.

I don't want you to run.

I suppose, yes, I've sparked a sense of curiosity in you because you so desperately want to know what I'm trying to hide just for the sake of knowing it. What if I told you that it's not worth knowing? What if I told you, you're better off without any knowledge of who I am... And rather that just knowing my name would suffice?

I don't want you to know me... Simply because I like you too much. I like having you around. I don't want you to go.... And once you know? Well, it's simple... Once you know you'll want to go.

There are a few people who know what you want to know... But the only reason they've stuck around me is because they feel bad for me. They would feel immoral if they left. I'm lucky in that way... Because I don't deserve them. I don't deserve those good people who have stayed with me no matter what issue I've pushed at them... I'm just scared you won't be one of those people. I don't want to take the risk and then have to watch you leave.

Most people run because of what they know. Everyone has there own unique way of disappearing... But they all go eventually. Some people are patient and discreetly move away until the friendship drifts and I'm left thinking that it was partially my idea. Other people are not so subtle... These are the people that hurt me- the people who left so suddenly, without a warning or a goodbye. The people who just stopped talking or the people who promised to return but never did. The people who influenced (but didn't cause) my further self-destructive nature. I don't want you to be one of those people who just leave... I don't want you to ever leave. I can't stand it when people leave. I suppose you could say that I have serious abandonment issues. That's probably as much as I'm going to tell you... 

Because honestly? You know enough about me and yet you're still here... I can't risk you leaving if I say anything more. I can't do it again. I can't go through the guilt, the regret, the pain... I can't do it all over again. You should be able to understand that surely? 

I'm so tired of saying goodbye to people who have turned their backs on me. It's like waving to a person who is walking away from you and refuses to turn around. It's like screaming someone's name when they refuse to hear you... When they shut you out and all you want is to be in. I don't want to be familiarised with that kind of pain again. 

I don't want you to see who I am... Because you'll run. There's a side to me that no one can or will ever love- a dark side that makes fear myself, that makes me ashamed, that burns me from the inside, that twists my mind... A side that I want to keep you far away from. A side that I would be prepared to hide for an eternity if it meant that you'd be my friend.

You mean to much too me. I don't want you to leave. Please don't leave.

Joseph Devries

Yesterday, I was on Twitter as per usual and I received a notification of a new follower. Joseph Devries.

I wasn't quite sure who he was so I decided to check out his Twitter profile and I noticed in his bio that he said he sings songs on YouTube. For a second I thought, "Here we go again, another one." but then I actually went to go check out one of his covers.... My jaw dropped.

The first cover that I watched was of "Little Things" by One Direction. I think I replayed it about 10 times because I just couldn't believe it. Joseph Devries- oh my gosh. His voice is absolutely heavenly... In fact, I thought for a moment it wasn't real and that it couldn't possibly be him that was singing. It just seemed too good to be true.

Little Things: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mb0pYWPSgI0&list=UUkZN50FikY7IR4mMT6ukq-w&index=0&feature=plcp

I decided to look at what other covers he had done and I stumbled across his cover of "Diamonds"by Rihanna. I cried. Diamonds is one of my favourite songs and I love the lyrics... But the way he sings it- I don't know quite what it is... he makes the words seem so much more real. So it literally brought me to tears when I heard it. 

Diamonds: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4JR6ckcop8&feature=plcp

After composing myself... :) Hahaha... I watched the cover of "So Sick" by Ne-Yo and was once again amazed but it was slightly different because this cover is raw - i.e. without the mic and the computer etc. Just Joseph Devries and his guitar.

So Sick: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FC7mNeholM&feature=plcp

This is the URL for his YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/josephdevries/videos?sort=dd&view=0&live_view=500

Follow him on Twitter @JoeyDevries and like his Facebook page "Joseph Devries".

I hope you'll fall in love with Joseph Devries... I did :)

--J.

P.S. Let him know that I love him (On Twitter: @JillyPopz)

Monster

Yeah, I'm going to push you. That's just the nature of my being. I believe all too strongly in the phrase "Too Good To Be True" and therefore I'm an insecure, immature, weak-willed, creep that never ever stop being a Pusher.

I don't appear crazy on the outside... I hardly even appear interesting in the slightest. People are deceived by how I am on the outside. By the time they see what's going on inside they're too far into all the crap that they would feel guilty to pull out immediately...

Some people do, however... The clever people that is. They can see the smoke and tell that the fire can't be far behind. They don't wait to undergo my stupid form of psychological testing. They run as far as they can before they're caught in the flames of my instability and far-reaching stupidity. 

When things are good, they're great... but that never lasts for too long. There's just always something- some kind of drama that I create for myself and of course for the poor, unsuspecting people around me. 

It is no surprise that I'm insane when I confess that I dwell and live most comfortably with pain. Physically and emotionally, I inflict pain on myself to push the people around. I test people constantly - waiting to see when the people who promise blindly that they'll stay will actually end up cracking and ultimately leaving with whatever sanity and patience they have remaining. I love pain- pain is my friend, you see. While most people have come and gone. I only have very few things close and dear to me that have remained with me despite the shakiness of my psyche: My unknowing family, a few brave friends, a God of glory and understanding... and finally, the Pain.

It is strange how I've come accustomed to the pain... but is completely within means of explanation. People pity the sad girl. Simple. I often feel that I get more love and attention when I'm sad and depressed or lonely or just not in a good and stable space. It's quite twisted that I therefore then welcome adversity with pleasure- knowing it may bring some shell of emotion back to me. People don't bother when they think you're okay... When they see that you're hurting or on the brink, people suddenly feel the urge to be there for you. Even God blesses the broken.

When people get close, I allow them in... And then I unravel. I'm suddenly much more of a monster than anyone would ever have thought and it hurts to know that I am perpetually like this. I'm a masochistic little monster who couldn't really be bothered to care any more. The truth is that the pain is tiring- I'm tired. I'm so, so tired of being broken and of risking friendships because of my obscene insecurity. 

Yet I savour the empty and aching pang in my chest - he pain that I'm a pain. 

...That I'm a masochistic monster who pushes beautiful souls away to guard the remains of her own.

--J.

Jaimey Jeniker. An Exposé.

There's a beautiful soul on the horizon. She's worth the world to me. This is her exposé. Teacups, I introduce to you...

 Jaimey Jeniker.              

When I interviewed her, she stared and searched through her notes. She asked Nicholas, her confidante, to answer some questions for her. He knows her probably better than anyone. I'd like you to know her just a little bit more. She shouldn't be as hidden as she allows herself to be. Her soul is far too gorgeous to be kept in the dark.

She doesn't have a favourite colour. They're all of the same worth to her. She uses Sensodyne toothpaste. If she could be any fruit, she'd be an apple. She takes about an hour to get ready for school in the morning. She doesn't have a best friend but rather confides in a group of good friends. She has one cat... Her name is Tom. She would rather eat lasagne instead of spaghetti bolognaise. She watches Harry Potter but reads the Twilight books. Her biggest fear is that she won't amount to anything in life [I don't think that is even remotely possible]. Her weakness is that she runs away whenever she thinks it's necessary but may not actually be.

I don't care what she says, she's something that I've never seen before. She's a smart version of me. She thinks with her mind like she's supposed to. I switch logic off after 3 o'clock in the afternoon when school comes out. Yes, she makes a very risky decision by guarding far too much of her heart but that's far better than leaving your feelings out for the stampede to trample. She's not guarded... She's just guarding. Until someone comes along who she'll trust enough to let in.

Let it be known, that I love Jaimey Jeniker. There's nothing much more to say except that she's amazing. 

--J.