It is so easy to cling to sadness as though it is the only thing you have left. It's so easy to be miserable because happiness is made out to be something you don't think you deserve. It's so easy to become depressed because we don't realise all we have to be grateful for. We become blind to so much because our senseless tears blur our vision and all joyous noise is blocked out by useless cries over those who we will only later realise are unimportant.
I don't learn from my mistakes nor do I deal with the hardships that I face. I don't know what it means to move on or to grow up because I'm stuck in my past, drawing on the emotions that have for so long been my closest friends.
There is nothing wrong with my life. I'm not saying that it is at all perfect because it certainly isn't but I have so much to be grateful for. Why then do I so often find myself crying myself to sleep or too depressed to care about life when I have so much to live for? Why is melancholy my close friend when my life has been nothing but happiness essentially? I have unfortunately become accustomed to blaming other people for my problems but even more sadly so, I have become addicted to the beautiful undivided attention I receive when my life appears to be in a shambles.
My life never remains happy because I don't allow it to. The smallest and most petty of things become my biggest problems that drive me to do senseless things just because people will worry about me... I think back to my darkest moments and although I was genuinely sad, I wonder how I ended up that way... The reasoning just isn't sound. I don't understand myself.
The truth is that I'm manipulative and I'm selfish... I don't care what anybody says in contrast because I know that to be true of myself... Why else would I drag the people that I love into my stupidity when I could have easily suffered alone and died quietly if I had truly wanted to end my life. I consider this time in my life to be an out-of-body experience where I can gain perspective and honestly say that I am angry at myself for the stupid decisions I have made for the sake of receiving attention and affirmation from others.
There are certain things that I simply cannot change about myself in a physical sense without employing the assistance of plastic surgery... Yet there are those things that I can change that I just haven't yet. I constantly complain about not being good enough yet I'm the only person that has ever explicitly said that about myself and to myself. The conclusion I have reached is therefore that my standards are too high. How can I expect to get a boyfriend who is the complete package when I myself am not? I'm over-emotional and stupid about issues that shouldn't bother me, I'm clingy and obsessive... I can't expect to find someone if I, myself, am not worthy yet. How can expect my future boyfriend to be gorgeous if I am not... My standards and expectations are skewed toward the twisted vision of society and therefore I can't be happy while I still choose to be a product of society.
For so long, I've been unhappy with my life and with myself because I choose to be. I crave the attention that people give me when I'm sad... I relish the reaction that I get when I perform tragedy on stage. I am good at being miserable and I am good at playing the wounded and tortured soul. I claim to be a twisted mind but my only reason for being so is because I prefer to have drama and complication in my life. It is sad because I often go looking for trouble and I hurt myself to get people to show me that they care and that they love me... Is that honestly what it takes? Why do I have to go so far... I don't think I will ever understand why I can't feel loved when I'm happy for long periods of time. Why is is that tragedy brings in the most attention... And why must I be addicted to it?
I've driven enough people away and made ample excuses to have become sick of myself and over all of the mess I have gotten myself into. I have landed myself into a vicious cycle of self-induced depression that is unhealthy to me and unfair on the people who have to be around me. It is now unnatural and almost unpleasant for me to want to be happy which is ridiculous - thereby further proving my point about my own idiocy.
To all those who I have burdened, I apologise. To all those who I have driven away by my selfishness, I thank you for not allowing me to get away with my means of obtaining attention... I am truly sorry and I do not blame anyone but myself.
At least through all of this I have learnt that my pain is of my own making.
--J.
