Why I'm A Weirdo Part 5: Kelly

I think this shall be the last instalment of the Why I'm A Weirdo series... There are a few other theories on personality development but they focus slightly more on one's behaviour and more how we learn to do things. So I'll be wrapping up the series with the cognitive approach... 

The major theorist of this approach is George Kelly and he claims that since we are rational beings (yes, believe it or not - women, although sometimes irrational, are rational beings too!), we make sense of the world using personal constructs. Personal constructs are representations of the world that we use to make sense of our experience. Therefore, Kelly claims that our personalities are built and develop according to these constructs. 

"An individual's psychological processes (experiences, thoughts, feelings, behaviours) are routed through various pathways by the ways in which he/she anticipates events" 

So Kelly is rather different to the other theorists I've spoken about previously because he doesn't focus so much on the past as much as the future. Our expectations of the outcomes of events or situations brought about by our personal constructs result in the development of 
our personality. 

We believe or anticipate things to happen in a similar way as they have in the past. When things don't go as we expect them to, we re-align our expectations in the future by changing our personal constructs or allowing our personal constructs to become susceptible to change.

We all have personal constructs that are unique to us. However, people who have similar sets of constructs are more likely to have similar experiences, behaviour and feelings. I know, for example, that at one point in my life I was very heavily influenced by a close friend of mine and I was shocked at the time to notice that we would experience and feel similar things and react to things in a similar way but it was because I had aligned my personal constructs to hers - we were, therefore, expecting or anticipating the same or similar outcomes when choosing the appropriate behaviour or feeling.

I like Kelly's theory, partly because he completely ignores the realm of emotion but put a person's personality down to a purely cognitive process. Somehow I find it comforting that all of the problems or weird situations I get myself into are all a result of what I've come up with in my own head and therefore I have the ability to change and control my life.

After reading up on all of these theories, I don't feel like that much of a freak any more... I'm still happily self-diagnosed as weird but that's just so much more exciting than being normal. 

Thank you for taking the time follow this series and if it sparked your interest or you want to know more - get Googling or comment below and I'll fill you in on whatever info you want. Also, if there's any topic you would like me to blog about in the future just let me know (either comment in the box below, hit me up on Twitter: @JillzPopz or Google Plus: Jillian Natalie - there should be a button on the sidebar where you can add me to your circles).

Thank you, Teacups! Keep reading...

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 4: Maslow

 

The final theorist I will be covering is Abraham Maslow. He is the major theorist of what is known as the humanistic approach in regards to personality development. Everybody has heard about Maslow at some point... Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? It's this guy. If that pyramid looks familiar to you then congratulations - you know more about psychology than you may have thought. 



Firstly I would just like to say that Maslow is by far the most positive of the theorists I've covered - you'll see that as I go along with the explanation of his theory, he doesn't focus so much on the negative aspects of the human condition. I mean, look at his picture... I can't help but think of the word 'jolly' when I look at him.

Maslow explains behaviour in terms of need gratification. Thus, we get his famous hierarchy of needs. He claims that in order to achieve our highest need: self-actualization i.e. our greatest potential we need to satisfy our other needs first. We have to go through the necessary channels and processes in order to reach actuality - it cannot simply occur while other needs of our are left unmet.Furthermore, Maslow claims that one need will dominate our personality until it is met (I'll expand on that a bit later on).

Once again I'll be taking a personal approach in regards to this theory so I'll be explaining and applying Maslow's hierarchy of needs according to my own level of experience. Feel free to assess yourself - you may find that you learn something about yourself. 

So the most basic of needs and that which has to be fulfilled first are our physiological needs. These needs are those such as hunger, thirst, etc. and they constantly need gratification (Eg. You can just eat once in your life and expect it to be sufficient - you have to eat everyday in order to sustain your body). Now thankfully for me, I can say that my physiological needs are met. One often takes it for granted but there are some people in this world - in my own beloved country, that do not have these physiological needs met. Never mind anything beyond physiological needs. There are people who are without food and clean drinking water - their lives are a constant struggle for survival so they can't focus on achieving anything else other than staying alive. I'm blessed in having more than enough.

Next we have safety needs and this pertains to the achievement of security, stability, protection, etc. Once again, these needs are met for me. I live in residence at university which is safe and provides me with a stable place to stay as well as protection. Growing up, I lived in a house in a protected and relatively safe neighbourhood. So I never had to worry about my safety or security as some people do. Once again, I'm very blessed.

Then we have our social needs which refers to our need for affiliation and for love. I'm sure everybody or most people can identify with this one. I know that I'm probably a bit stuck here personally. I have great friends and an amazing, involved family but I do struggle to feel loved and a part of something at times which leads me to focus and dwell in the gratification of needs. So don't mistake me as clingy! I just want a need to be met... Say you love me, give me hug and a smile and then send me on my way. 

I cringe a bit every time I read about this level: Self esteem needs. I know I'm lacking in this department... Self esteem is based on personal achievements but also on the esteem/affirmation of others. I have a real problem here and after thinking on it for a short while, it may be because of the issues I have in gratifying the the needs in the level below (my social needs). If you happen to know me (or if you've read a considerable number of my previous blog posts), you'll know that I am terribly insecure and have a huge problem with self-doubt, self-image, etc. So this is what I'm putting it down to - my needs have not been met. 

Obviously if I have not met my social or self esteem needs adequately, I cannot begin to properly focus on satisfying my need for self-actualization. I cannot be the best me that I can be if I haven't gotten all my crap together. I need to get it together and stop thinking that things are not within my control - in most cases they are... And if I can't change my situation, I can always change myself. 

Thank you, Maslow.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 3: Erikson

If you've ever heard of the term identity crisis then you've heard something of Erik Erikson. I like his theory of personality development because it doesn't focus solely on childhood development, rather it spans one's entire lifetime. So it's only fitting that he is the leading theorist for the life-span approach to personality development.

Erkison theorises about 8 stage of psychosocial development split up according to one's age. Unlike Freud, Erikson is a lot less pessimistic and maintains that even in the event that one doesn't work through a stage correctly that they can always return to it at a later stage instead of being doomed to go about with lingering side effects from a presumably tainted past.

Each stage deals with its own crisis or developmental task which arise from either the onset of physiological maturity at a certain time or the demands of society. The style or success of the resolution of the different crises therefore determines the structure of one's personality. I obviously haven't been through all the life stages myself quite yet so I'll just do the first few that I have faced, am facing and am about face in the near future.

The first stage deals with trust vs mistrust (0-12 months). This stage is typically dependent on a mother-infant relationship and the successful resolution of this stage results in trust in the world that one's needs will be fulfilled and one also acquires a healthy amount of distrust so as to develop caution. If correctly balanced, one obtains the ego-strength of hope. I think it's safe to say that I made it through this stage relatively unscathed. I'm generally a trusting person but I'm not exactly instantaneously trusting with all of who I am with just any random person. I think I definitely managed to gain the ego-strength of hope - sometimes I think I'm a bit too hopeful in certain situations.

The second stage (1-3 years) is that of autonomy vs shame. This is the stage where children want to develop and use their new-found muscle control (potty training stage). If one doesn't work through this stage correctly, this leads an individual to doubt one's self instead of gaining autonomy or a sense of independence. A balance between autonomy and doubt develops the ego-strength of willpower. I know very well that I have an incredible sense of willpower (especially when I'm trying to prove people wrong) so I think I worked through this stage of development. I  do have issues with self- doubt though even though I have been told I was not problematic in regards to potty training and such by my parents... so I'm still unsure as to where my self doubt then comes from. I am rather independent which can be seen through my contentment in living away from home and being in a space where I am responsible for myself and don't have to answer to my parents as I used to. 

From 3-6 years, we have the stage of initiative vs guilt and this is also known as the play age. This is where one's conscience develops. The danger in this stage is that one's conscience develops too strictly which I think is what happened to me which has resulted in my habit of intensely over-thinking everything and that is why I judge myself so harshly. A balance between initiative and self-judgement leads to the development of purpose - now that I don't seem to have a problem with. However, I did struggle and still contemplate possible career paths as I am not to sure what I want to do with life. I understand a spiritual purpose because of my Christian upbringing and consequent beliefs but I do not really have a purpose as in a 100% life plan and goal.

School age which is basically from age 6 until puberty, deals with industry vs inferiority. A good sense of proficiency or industry results in the ego-strength of competence. I've dealt with self esteem issues and inferiority complexes before but not to such an extent that it affects my level of competence. I'd like to think that I'm a fairly competent person. Yes? No? Hmmm?

Then we get to adolescence which covers ages 12-19 so this typically the bracket that I fall under but do the fact that I am a borderline age, I will overlap into the next development stage as well. Adolescence deals with identity vs role confusion. This is the time in a persons life when one is trying to match one's self image with the expectations of society. This is basically the stage when we get screwed over by everybody telling who we should be, what we should look like, how little food we have to eat, etc. It's a very delicate time where, in my opinion, so much can go wrong and so much pain can be experienced. It is through this stage that one develops the ego-strength of trust and worthiness. I have yet to develop worthiness as a result of my self image being very very poor. I am a typical case of a victim to society - not because society is particularly or completely negative but mostly because I am just the type of person who is susceptible to society because I seek the approval and acceptance of other people. Therefore I do not feel 'worthy' in a sense that I do not feel that I live up to the expectations or standards set out by our society.

The next stage which is the one that I am entering into or am about to enter into is the early adulthood stage whereby one deals with intimacy vs isolation. This is the time in one's life when they truly become ready to be involved in intimate relationships. Avoidance of intimacy can be as a result of identity confusion experienced in the adolescent stage and can lead to isolation (which is a bad thing if you employ its strategies constantly). Successful resolution of this stage results in the development of the ego-strength love (Isn't that just the cutest thing?). So anyway, this stage is what will hopefully be in my near future. I dare say I'm ready for it... I can only pray that I'll work through everything as I'm supposed to. 

I'm not going to go through the last two stages because I'm not an adult with a family or an elderly person... If you're interested in those two stages then feel free to Google Erikson's theory or pop me a comment or a tweet (@JillzyPopz) and I'll be happy to fill you in.

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 2: Jung

Next up we have Carl Jung. He was the major theorist for what is known as the neo-psychoanalytic approach when it comes to personality development. He was heavily influenced by Freud but in building on Freud's work, he takes a new direction whereby there is more of a spiritual emphasis in his theory rather than a sexual one.

With Jung we see a lot more focus given to our unconscious if one compares him to Freud. His theory always makes me think of a yin-yang symbol because it's all about balance. Jung claims that we have the characteristics of all personality types and that what is dominant in our realm of consciousness is counterbalanced by its opposite characteristic in the unconscious. So if according to Jung, I would suggest that you don't judge other people for being the way they are... because there's a part of you somewhere that is just like them. This claim allowed Jung to explain why people react differently depending on a particular situation. For example, I'm not generally an introverted person yet when I am in a bizarrely new environment and I'm intimidated and unfamiliar then I tend to become extremely shy and withdrawn until I think that I am able to deal with that situation as I normally would.

Jung is the guy that introduced us to the terms extroversion, introversion, collective unconscious and archetypes... So if you have ever used one of those terms which I am sure most people have - thank Carl Jung.

So according to Jung we have what is called a psyche that is made up of all that is conscious as well as unconscious to us - he goes on to claim that we have three level of consciousness. The Consciousness of our being consists of the Ego which allows for both our internal (awareness of ourselves) and external(interactions with the world around us) functioning. Then we have the personal unconscious which is different for each individual as we each have our own individual experiences and subsequent reactions to said experiences. Thereafter we have the collective unconscious which contains instincts and archetypes. Our instincts are physiologically inherited impulses that determine our behaviour without our conscious motivation. Archetypes are 'intuitions' or images that we are born with that help us categorise and interpret our experiences.

The Collective Unconscious is what I find most interesting about Jung's theory. This is because it accounts for what causes us to be a certain way in accordance to society or to the public. First we have the Persona which is our 'public self' and it consists of the different masks one wears. We determine how we act around certain people our types of people according to our experiences with them and the expectations that are place on us thereafter. Think of the Persona in terms of how you act around your parents as opposed to how you act toward your friends, teachers, work colleagues or strangers. We act according to expectation. For example, I am relatively quiet and 'normal' around my parents and family but as soon as I'm with my friends, I am a completely different person in that I am a lot louder and 'weirder' by comparison. Having these different masks doesn't make one two-faced or fake in any way it is simply the natural and unconscious tactic one employs in order to appropriately associate with the external world. One isn't being fake, you are just reflecting a different part of yourself - regardless of what it entails, it is still you.

The next component of the collective unconscious it The Anima or The Animus. Like I said earlier, Jung was very yin-yang. He believed that we possess the physiological (bodily) traits of both sexes (hormones) and therefore we also possess the psychological traits of both sexes. So in guys, the female archetype present within them is known as the Anima while the male archetype present within women is known as the Animus. These archetypes operate at an unconscious level so they can translate into our logic and rationality without conscious decision on our behalf. That's it is in fact possible for a girl to think like a man and to subsequently act like one - the same can be said for the converse.

Then there is The Shadow which is representative of all of impulsive urges and emotions that aren't acceptable to our society - hence why it is called the shadow because it 's not part of our public self it is the background of who we are because we repress these urges. So for example, aggression and sexuality are examples of instincts/feelings that we repress and therefore don't express outwardly or as openly as we would other traits.

Finally we have The Self. This is the part of our collective unconscious that causes and motivates one to integrate all of the various parts of one's psyche. If you've ever wondered what account for one's desire for wholeness - the Self is what Jung accredits it to. 

The psychic energy generated from one's psyche is therefore lead to either introversion or extroversion whereby this energy is channelled either inwards or outwards respectively.

So what I basically have gathered from Jung is that our personalities are not as clear cut as one may think. We all have shared characteristics that are just manifested differently according to experiences and our individual interpretations of those experiences. 

--J.

Senseless Dreaming & Roads Untravelled

I spent the night chasing you around in my dreams... It's so unspeakably lovely to be with you even in the deepest realm of my imagination. It made me sad and so incredibly disappointed to have to wake up and face reality - a day without you there. Consequently, I ended up snoozing and then resetting my alarm in order to sleep for an extra two hours... all in the hope that you'd be there again - that I'd find you in my dreams again.

One would typically be wary of the fact that my dreams and the fantasy they encourage are starkly in contrast with my current reality. In reality we're worlds apart - physically, emotionally, spiritually... We're good as friends because that's easy enough to maintain with the occasional conversation over Whatsapp or a casual lunch date now and then when it can be managed. We'd never work - I know that. Tell that to the fantasy or the idea I have of you that is perched somewhat patronisingly on a pedestal inside of my head. 

I know exactly who you are in reality and I know of all the reasons why nothing would happen between us ever... Starting with the fact that you feel nothing for me - you're completely indifferent to me in that sense. Why doesn't that resonate with me... Why can't I accept that nothing will ever happen there and chances are it wouldn't be what I expected either.

I feel so unhealthy with you in my mind. Is it simply the fear of loneliness that is causing me to cling to the possibility that you'll like me back... since you're the first guy I've genuinely liked in a very very long time. Can this all be put down to my stupid insecurities and fear? Is it even about you at all? There are too many questions swirling around in my mind at the moment. The actually reality of you has become so far detached from the saga in my mind... I've managed to confuse myself so profoundly.

Why is the You within the realm of my dreams so magical. Why does he encompass all of who I know you to be in the most perfect of ways? Why am I in love with the man in my head to the extent that I can't seem to move on or even just let go? Why have I become blinded to the possibility of any one else? What made you so damn special?

I lay beside you, looking into your sad and tired eyes. You asked me what I had wanted to tell you... I said 'nothing'. We just looked at each other - taking in a world where we didn't need to say a single word... And then you had to leave. I went on with my day but I kept on seeing you - I chose just to watch you and not to get in way way. You looked distressed, rushed and somewhat agitated. I wanted nothing more than to reach out to you and to ask you what was wrong. I wanted nothing more than to pull you away from the world that was making you so miserable. I was filled with worry and compassion and just this intense desire to put a smile on your face. I was about to stop you before you rushed off again but then I was awoken by my alarm tone 'Roads Untravelled' by Linkin Park. Even when I fell back into my dreams after snoozing my alarm, you were a fleeting image that I could never quite grasp or get close enough to. Perhaps it's a sign that it'll never happen - you are not for me as I am not for you... And it'll be okay.

"Weep not for roads untravelled, 

Weep not for paths left alone

Cause beyond every bend is a long blinding end - 

It's the worst kind of pain I've known.

Give up your heart left broken 

And let the mistakes pass on

Cause the love that you lost

Wasn't worth what it cost

And in time you'll be glad it's gone."

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 1: Freud

I love taking psychology as an elective for my undergraduate degree. It's something I've always been interested in because people and their behaviour are fascinating and our minds are just so wonderfully complicated - it makes sense to want to know more. So far though, the most interesting section we've covered this semester is that of Personality Theories... I think I find this so amazing because it's probably the section that one can most easily relate to or apply to one's life. 

The next few blog posts will cover a number of different personality theories whereby I will attempt to account for my own behaviour and personality. I'm a bit of a weirdo so I am very interested to see how different theorists go about explaining why I am the way I am. 

First up is the psychoanalytic approach. This personality theory entails that the personality is largely structured around that which is within the realm of unconscious. The main theorist associated with this approach is Sigmund Freud. He is probably the most well-known psychologist of all time - the old guy sitting in a chair listening to someone lying on a chaise? That's Freud. 

What I find interesting about Freud, before I begin to divulge on his theory, is that he was a serious cocaine addict and initially became famous in regards to his research thereof. He was also very much a sexually minded being and a tad bit of a chauvinist - you'll soon find out why I say that when I start talking about his theories. 

Freud claimed that our behaviour is caused by different 'drives' or instincts - particularly a life and a death drive. Yes, apparently we have an instinct that is basically a wish to die (but it's usually manifested in aggression) which opposes the life drive i.e. survival, development, etc. Our life drives consist of 'ego drives'and 'sexual drives' - that'll be made clear through the rest of the stuff Freud has to say. He believed that everybody has three levels of consciousness - conscious, pre-conscious and unconscious. Pretty simple. Furthermore he theorised about what he called the Id, Ego and Superego. This is where things get kind of fun.

The Id refers to the innate, primitive part of you that is responsible for all your bodily drives. Basically the Id is the stupid, selfish part of a person that is obsessed with the gratification of desires. It's the "I want, I want. Gimme, gimme" part of you. The superego can be equally as stupid but on the other side of the spectrum. The superego can be recognised as one's conscience as it's the part of us that harshly insists on moral behaviour. So it's the little voice inside of you saying "No, don't do that! You can't do that!" and blah blah... It's like you have a third parent constantly scolding you and telling you what to do according to moral codes represented in one's society. So one is crazily selfish and one is exceedingly socially conscious. To kind of mediate between our desires and our conscience, we have the Ego. The Ego operates within the realm of reality - it's the part of you that is telling everything to shut up and calm down. The poor Ego has to juggle the demands of both the id and the superego as well as your actual reality. In short, the little people inside of your head are pretty much just as strange as you are.

So Freud and his psychosexual stages of personality development... At first I found some of this really weird and almost outlandish but when I started applying it to my own childhood it kind of began to make a bit more sense to me. This is the part where you're going to learn why I am the weirdo that I am according to Freudian theory. I'm only really going to focus on certain aspects that are reflective of my own personality so if you're interested, just Google Freud's theory of development or comment on this post and I'll fill you in if I can.

The first stage of personality development is known as the oral stage which cover approximately the first 18 months of one's life. This is the stage where the erogenous zone(area where sexual pleasure is experienced). It seems weird that a child or a baby can be thought of as being sexual in any way but that's Freud for you. Anyway, this relates to the development of my personality in that I was prematurely weaned from the breast and put onto a bottle. This was because my paediatrician thought that I was 'eating' (drinking or whatever) too much and in order to curb that, I needed to be put on a bottle. This doesn't really sound like a negative thing at all yet it can account for certain behavioural developments that I have carried with me through to this very day.

According to Freud, this has resulted in my personality being characterised by 'oral fixation'(MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER NOW). This can be seen through the fact that I had a dummy/ pacifier until the age of about 4 and I've struggled with overeating and subsequent eating for a very long time. There are typically two types of oral fixation - oral passive (dependent) type and oral aggressive (sadistic) type. Strangely enough, I show characteristics of both types but more obviously for oral passive type. Passive types typically arise from permissive and/or excessive oral gratification (my drinking too much milk as a baby) and this has lead to the following characteristics that I presumably have now as a result: gullible, appeasing, approval or attention seeking and mothering. When I first read that  I was shocked as to how well I could apply that to my own developmental situation. Furthermore the aggressive type of oral fixation, which presumably came about as a result of being prematurely put on a bottle, can be held responsible for the following characteristics of mine: pessimistic, manipulative, exploitative and masochistic. It's so strange how it kind of makes sense in my head... What is even weirder is that according to Freud, so much of the things that I have to deal with now as a young adult have come about as a result of things that I experienced all before I was two years old. 

Thankfully, I seem to have worked through all the demands of the second stage - the anal stage (18 to 36 months) which refers to the time in a child's development where they are being potty trained and are innately developing the ability of self control. According to my mom, I was no problem in that department... Perfect child, whaaaat? Ha, I can think of many examples of people who definitely didn't work through this stage of development properly...

Next is the phallic stage (3 to 7 years of age) which to be honest I didn't quite relate to at all. This is where it is very clear just how sexist Freud actually was. Freud describes boys as having the Oedipus complex which is a phase where they love and wish to marry their mothers. I've seen that situation before so I can't say that it is at all absurd or unthinkable - it is its converse that I find somewhat laughable i.e. so ludicrous that it is to be amusing. Freud claims that females at this age go through what is known as the Electra complex... Also known as penis envy. I've read this aspect and the subsequent explanations in my textbook, my two different sets of notes and I've listened to it in my lectures and in Youtube videos regarding Freud - every time I see or hear this I can't help but think "FACEPALM". Because personally? I have never had penis envy and I think the idea is perfectly hilarious. To think that girls between the age of 3 and 7 go through what is known as 'castration anxiety' is just insane... I loved being a girl at that age. I don't know how reliable my memory is but I don't remember being in any way envious of someone else's body parts. I was too busy climbing trees and causing trouble, etc. If you've experienced this aspect of Freud's theory or know of a case... please feel free to comment because I find this stuff interesting and I would love to gain knowledge in an area where I am ignorant. 

There is a latent stage from the age of 7 until puberty after which we get the genital stage. This stage presumably characterises our lives from puberty onward. This is the time in our lives where we begin to focus on establishing intimate relationships, learning to work and postponing gratification as well as learning responsibility. So this is the stage that you and I are in... unless you're a highly intelligent 7 year old reading my blog? Anyway, hopefully I won't mess up this stage of development too much and I hope to be able to control my behavioural characteristics that have resulted from previous developmental stages. 

I'm not saying I'm a Freudian... I honestly think that it would take a serious amount of convincing from a very educated source for me to ever actually properly considering the prospect for choosing to be one. Somehow Freud's belief that women are anatomically, psychologically, morally and culturally inferior to men is a tad off-putting.

He was definitely an interesting read though and no doubt contributed largely and fundamentally to modern psychotherapy. You go, Sig!

Meh, I'm a weirdo.

--J.

As Long As You're Happy

I never think about you any more... unless I'm breathing. Thankfully I never see you so it's not as hard knowing that you're happy without me when it's not thrown in my face all the time. I wonder how things would be if you were near me though. Would you have ever moved on from being my friend? Would things have changed? Would they have changed in the same way? Would you still love me?

I can torture myself for an eternity with questions like those... but I won't. I'd rather focus on what still makes me love you instead of what could possibly cause me to resent you. My memory of you is a pure and happy one. I want it to remain that way... Because even though you're no longer a part of my life, I don't think I could ever stop loving you.

I'm quite proud of myself for being at such peace in your regard even though I know that you have pretty much removed me completely from your world and from your mind and heart. I'm slightly disorientated by the fact that I haven't made it my obsession to win you back - to convince you that being my friend will still be a worthy enterprise. I haven't let you go in the sense that I still think of you and love you and wish things were different... but I've somewhat given up. It's as though I've settled. (Fitting that I'm currently listening to The Sound of Settling by Death Cab for Cutie - hence my apt word choice)

I just want you to be happy. I want you to be the happiest you could ever possibly be... and if by me being a part of life, I am hindering your ability or capacity to be fully and truly happy then I will gladly step aside. What is it about you that makes me seem so grown up? I'm not quite as mature in other situations or with other people... Do I love you that much that I not only have the desire to be selfless but also the ability to do so?

[Breakeven - The Script]

I always swore that I would never be able be without you as my friend... ever. I thought that if I ever did have to go through that, I wouldn't make it out alive or sane. I thought it would kill me. Yet... here I am, loving you to the same degree and as strong as I could ever be. I could never have guessed that I would be so content in your happiness and your experiencing of life at its finest - without me. I can't understand how losing you has made me so much stronger... and how it has made me happy for you. I thought losing you would be losing all of me - all of my heart. 

[All Is Love - Karen O & The Kids]

I think of you always... I will never stop loving you and God knows that I miss you incredibly. As long you're happy - I'll be content simply in knowing that I was once a part of your life and that once a upon a time you appreciated and wanted my friendship. I am honoured and blessed in knowing you - I am divinely favoured in having been able to be close to you... however brief that time may have been. I love you.

[You Make Me Smile - Kyle Andrews]

--J.

"There was a time when men were kind..."

They were all nice in the beginning - friendly, funny and just sweet towards you. Don't you ever develop feelings for them - don't do it... You'll lose any happiness that their friendship afforded you. You'll lose your mind.

Feelings freak guys out - most of them anyway. They don't think or feel the same way girls do. Although, the strange thing is that we sometimes expect them to understand us; to know what we are thinking and, the worst mistake of all, we expect them to give us what we want.

They won't. They won't give us what we want or need - men will disappoint. They disappoint because women relentlessly expect too much of them. They can't be blamed entirely.

As much as men are unkind; women are ridiculously blind. It's not surprising that women get hurt... that I got hurt. Humans, in general, are ridiculous creatures. It is no further help that we have been raised to be cruel by a world that is so. Life can be so unfair and filled with so much pain because we are cruel - our world is cruel. Even the best of intentions and the most innocent of feelings are crushed, punished and the people they come from are hurt so inextricably.

I await a time, I await a man that is right... that is good. I am so impatient and eager for goodness to befall me. 

I give away too much... I hold on and I become attached... It's obsessive and it's immature - an inability to cope with change. Yet here I am, learning to let my feelings fade with time - loosening my grip on the fantasy in my head that mocks my starkly contrasting reality. I'm growing up in a sense that I'm conforming to the loveless materialism of society where normality is happiness through wealth and possession instead of love and one's relationships.

I am hurting. It seems as though I am perpetually hurting. Perhaps it's because I'm always loving those who can't love like I do. My heart is able... Others can't love me the same way - some will eventually learn when, I suppose, the time is right and others will never be able to. I can't blame myself for that though. I need to focus on that which is within my power to change... That means not obsessing and hanging on to every relationship... I've never been all too great at letting go but it's about time that I learn.

Perhaps if I'm not so blind, men will be kind. Perhaps if I just completely hide myself in the arms of God - none will be able to hurt me. If I shut you all out perhaps that will save me from pain - from myself... and it will save those who are unequipped to be loved by me. I'll leave you all so as to avoid you being at all bothered by me. The Lord knows I can't stand the idea that you may hate me.

So I'll turn all my love to God... until He lets me love someone else... until He tells me it's safe.

--J.

Happy - Lynn Seale

Your time has come,

Your journey fulfilled,

Because you’re a light unreal to this world.

A time has come for us to believe,

That all that we’ve been through

Lead us here.

But is the light,

The darkness exposed,

A possibility for our road?

I’m not alone

It’s sad to think

That so many others too wish for our destiny.

I know you’re here

Beside me.

You try to guide me

But I’m scared.

I’m scared that happiness will be exposed

The reality of my darkness owned.

I’m not the light - 

I’m the darkness that comes with all the pain unmarked.

I want to believe

That my soul can be freed

But I stand alone inside my grief.

I know you tried to help me stand

Inside the light of it…

But it’s not where I belong,

Happiness was never my home.

I’m meant to roam inside my pain

My path was blessed with torment -

A disease within;

The death of many who believed.

I never deserved a dark journey’s end

But I want it for you my friend.

I want you to go into the light

And expose the darkness bold

Because this is a possibility for your road.

The life I live,

A purpose that must be fulfilled

To bring those worthy to the light

And stay far from this beautiful sight.

I’ll stay in the dark

And watch you live.

I’ll watch you live your happiness fulfilled.

And so the time has come for us to believe

That all we have been through is our fate,

So you must walk into that light

And out of the darkness of my night

Because you, my darling, must expose

The light beyond the darkness bold…

Because happiness

Is a possibility for your road.

Faithfully Waiting

"Perhaps I've done an insane growing up over the past few days or maybe the chemicals in my brain have finally balanced out to their correct and healthy proportions... or maybe the happy side of my bipolar-self has finally decided to make an appearance. (Long overdue, I'll say.)"

I started drafting that blog post a long while ago. I stopped after the first paragraph because I had to go off and do something or other that was of a more pressing nature so I didn't get a chance to finish it. So there it was, sitting patiently in my Drafts folder, awaiting its completion. The sad thing is though, is that I can't finish it... because the way I currently feel is so incredibly different and contradictory to the way I felt then - anything I would've said in an attempt to finish it according to its theme would have been a complete and utter lie... I'm not happy like I was then - in that blissful and fleeting moment of normality and peace. I'm back to who I was before - back to myself; my same old, perpetually sad self.  

Okay, so just to be clear... I'm not crazy - in a technical sense. I am definitely not typical or normal in any way but you will very seldom find people who are. I go through the motions, the switch flipping, the moods of life never knowing how I'm truly going to react to something until it happens. I've never understood much less been able to control what I feel. It's not possible. All I know is that while my heart is good, my circumstances seldom are. I get myself into the strangest of predicaments that amount to frequent and copious dealings of pain. Yet there is nothing that I can change about who I am to stop that - I can only hope to grow and to become stronger through God... for I will never compromise my grasp and experience of emotion for the whims of a fickle, heartless world.

I get hurt easily... I find myself in pain all the time. Sadness and loneliness accompany pretty much everywhere I go. My life lacks intimacy - the type of intimacy that I need. I pour everything - all of me - into my relationships and because I'm not in a romantic relationship, I find myself therefore distributing all of who I am among my regular friendships. In short, I love too much. I love too much for this world to understand or for myself to understand. I can't quite grasp what I am doing wrong when all I do is love. I know I'm intense... I exist too intensely - I've said that multiple times... It doesn't mean I am going to change myself though.

As a child, I was blessed with a wonderful and positive upbringing and family life. My parents were strict but never put discipline ahead of love. There was and is so much love within my family. That isn't to say that we are perfect... Lord knows, we're far from it. We've had our blow ups and arguments, we've had our own set of struggles but the point of my mentioning my family and childhood is to emphasise that there was always Love there - there still is always Love. I can never say that I wasn't loved as a child. I learnt to love from my family - I watched my parents, sometimes in innocent envy. I've always been eager to love someone like my parents love each other... I can't wait to be loved like that. It hasn't happened yet. Every attempt has been a great disappointment because I've always had high and often unrealistic expectations. When I like someone - I see the future in them. I'm not the kind of girl that would do anything meaningless or casual - why should I have to?

I often wonder why I haven't been given the opportunity to love someone fully yet. By fully, I mean a love that is in fact, for once, returned. I wonder if there's something wrong with me - Am I the problem? If so, what can I do to change? How skinny do I have to be for him to be attracted to me? What should I say to make him want to be with me? What will make me finally good enough? I have yet to find the answers for those questions and I realise that perhaps I need to start asking different questions. I've considered the possibility that maybe I'm just not ready yet and that's why love hasn't found me. Perhaps by looking too hard for it in one place, I am overlooking something or someone else more worthy of my time attention. I often say that I'm over ever finding someone... That lasts a couple of days until I ache from a certain emptiness again. I know that I want love and that I'm ready to finally be loved. I suppose it's more of a waiting game than anything else at the moment.

I pray a lot about it - a lot about love... and about the man that will one day hold my heart and give me his. It makes sense to pray a lot about something so influential and a would-be integral part of one's life. God knows all things that I don't - He has a plan that I have to struggle every day to trust and have faith in. I have to work against the world - the cruelty and coldness of our reality. I have to find patience and refuge in God for He is where LOVE is. Even in the event of pain, loneliness and sadness... God is there - all-knowing but more importantly all -loving.  He loves me... That gives me hope and a reason to believe that someone else will love me too.       

There has been so much pain, so many tears lately - everything building up over time inside of me until I can do nothing but cry until I fall back into a sleep of pure and utter exhaustion. Every individual, lonely moment becomes internalised until something ignites all that has settled within me - I burn... I burn for loving those who cannot love me as I love them and as I ought to be loved.

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. I've said that word so many times... I've said it so much that I have come to resent it... but I know I would be absolutely nothing without it. Without my ability to love, I would be a robotic and cold version of myself - unable to feel anything. While being able to love less would suggest less pain, I can't say that it'd be at all worth it. I will brave the pain for however long it may take - it is better than feeling nothing. 

I cannot pretend to be happy right now - I would be lying if I said I was. I still smile and I still laugh; I still enjoy being with good friends and family - that isn't a means to say that it resonates a sustainable happiness within me. I appreciate all that I have... I am so incredibly grateful - I cannot however overlook the fact or be content with being without that which I am certain that I need as well as want. I am saddened by loneliness and a lack of intimacy... the lack of a certain type of love that I would like to believe that I am ready for.

All I can do is be patient and await the day, the time, the moment when the person that has been designed by God to love me is as ready to love me as I am to love him.

--J.