Crushes, The Kooks & Mild Procrastination

I haven't had a crush on anyone - like a brand new, passionate crush - in years. I had completely forgotten what it feels like yet now it has crept up on me and hit me right in the chest with full force. I am so at a loss to be entirely honest because I don't know what to do with these feelings except write. I haven't been inspired to write so strongly by an emotion in a very long time - my emotions have called for suppression rather than expression as of late.

The dynamics of having a crush on someone never really change in composition but rather they vary in degrees of intensity. I wouldn't really now where to rank my most recent crush but I would have to say that it's quite up there in the standings due to the fact that it has come on so quickly and resides within me so strongly.

(Now playing: Young Folks - The Kooks)

Staying true to myself, I've gone and developed feelings for someone that I cannot be with. Am I the queen of unrequited love or what? It has gotten quite tiring to always be said no to - even if only implicitly - and actually, the rejection I have had to withstand has been downright painful. I regret none of it though. I am a 'reacher' and not a 'settler' so naturally I am going to be drawn to the people way out of my league. It is a rather unfortunate habit and I think I may just tone it down a bit before I go completely crazy.

(Now playing: Over the Love - Florence & The Machine... Ha! How appropriate is this song right now though!)

I really enjoy the excitement that comes along with being completely caught up in somebody else's existence. It has been an age since I have been filled with joy like I have been for the past few weeks now. I feel slightly more bipolar than usual to be entirely honest... because one moment I am stressed and depressed about other personal dilemmas and the amount of work I have to do and then the next, everything wrong with life has dissipated into thin air and I am reduced to a smiling idiot. Dear crush, how does it feel to know that I am such a fool for you? (I highly doubt you'd ever stumble across my blog but anyway...)

(Now playing: Eskimo Kiss - The Kooks... You might be starting to realize that I am quite in love with their stuff. If you don't know who they are; 1) Shame on you, 2) Go get educated --> http://thekooks.com/#!/home)

I forgot what I was actually going to say in this next section because my wonderful roommate and I decided to take a video of us rambling on about our day and that managed to take us just over an hour because of the amount of time we spent laughing and eating. I have an 4000 word essay due in a couple of days that I haven't done much work on so I should be getting off of social media and my beloved blogging platforms to go and pursue academic excellence some time soon. However, before I can do anything productive I need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper before I am rendered utterly useless by daydreams and fantasies. 

(Now playing: Video Games - Lana Del Rey... Note: She's my absolute favourite. Lana = Life. BAE.)

So anyway, back to this whole crush business. I am thankful for actually knowing where I stand with this person i.e. I know that nothing is going to happen between us because it just makes it easier to be normal. I don't feel pressurized to impress said crush because I know my efforts would be fruitless. Now all that's left is to get the pesky infatuation feels out of my system. All should be well in time. I am thankful for my feelings and I believe that they are entirely understandable because Crush is amazing. I wouldn't have feelings for just anyone or someone who was a complete and total <insert bad word here>. So, I suppose I have to be kind to myself for a little bit and admit that it's okay and there are countless others in the same boat as myself. 

Dear Crush, thank you for making me excited about life. Thank you for making me want to go to gym in order to get back into shape. Thank you for inspiring me to write (BIG thank you). Thank you for being someone who is able to understand my mind. Thank you for giving me a hope in my ability to feel something for other people instead of believing that I would never find someone that I'd be drawn or attracted to. Thank you for making me realize how insignificant I am - I don't mean that in a self-hate kind of way... I am just utterly floored by all that you are and I am truly grateful on behalf of humanity for the fact that you are on this Earth. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for filling my head with thoughts of happiness and reasons to smile for no other reason than thinking of you.

(Now playing: Conquistador - Thirty Seconds To Mars)

I think I should wrap thing up here... mostly because I need to stop procrastinating and get back into work mode. I just have to hang in there for a couple more days before I get a week of vacation (catch up on studying and assignments) - urgh. Knowing myself though, I am certain that Crush will make an appearance or two in my head and succeed in distracting me to a point of Facebook stalking or emotional eating (Jokes! I'll probably end up on YouTube or Tumblr because therein lies the answers to life. Basically.)

I'm a student at Stellenbosch University (proud Matie) and we have an anonymous crushes page which never fails to amuse and sometimes disturb me. If you're a student at SU with a crush and you don't know about this page by now (which would be hard to believe), go and submit your crushes anonymously! Check it out on Facebook --> https://www.facebook.com/MatiesCrushes 

If you're reading this and have a crush on someone too, then all of the best! Don't be shy to be open and honest. I hope that it works out for you if it is truly meant to be!

Love to all,

--J.

P.S. I wrote a poem about my crush (ah, such a typical girl move) and it's chilling on Tumblr for the world to see. I'd love if you gave it a read. Feel free to Like or Reblog that ish and give me a follow if my Tumblr is to your liking - message and say that Talking To Teacups sent you and I'll be sure to give you a follow back and a shout out.

http://cutthroatsweetheart.tumblr.com/post/96303533331/i-thought-perhaps-i-was-attracted-to-you-because

Full-On Love

Take me by the hand

Take me by surprise.

Sneak up behind me,

Grab me by the waist - 

Just to give me a taste

Of what adoration

Feels like.

It should feel right

When you hold me tight

Like I'm all you want

And all you need.

Buy me flowers

For no reason

Just because no one

Has ever done that for me

Before.

Show me just a little bit more

Of your heart.
Tell me that I'm beautiful
Tell me that I'm magical...
Even though I'm average,
Even though you
Could do so much better.
Never let me go,
Make sure that I know
Why you chose me
Over everybody 
Else...
Even though 
It'll never make sense
To me.
Make me dance in the rain
Let's be cliche' 
And insane...
But only when you know
That I haven't
Just done my hair.
Show me that 
You care.
Even when I can be
Unbearable...
Tell me I'm unforgettable.
Whisper all the stupid things
That make me roll my eyes
Because I've been trying to pretend
That I don't want those
Warm, fuzzy feelings -
Those head-reeling,
Heart-leaping,
Too-good-to-be-true feelings.

Kiss me on the forehead

On my chin,

Then on my cheeks

North

South 

West
East.

And repeat...

Until we're dizzy

Until we're spinning - 

Until we're in love.

Because I can't wait

To know what that feels like,

To BE what that looks like.

Don't use the 'L' word -

Keep me in suspense

Make me tense

And stressed with the desire 

To please you.

Expect my best,

Accept my worst...
Quench my thirst
For a full-on love.

Casting The Burden

I hate looking at a scale. I hate knowing that my goals are no where near to being realized. It feels as if all I've done - the healthy eating, the gymming, etc. - it's all been for nothing. It feels useless and I feel so incredibly stupid because I actually thought I was getting somewhere.

It is so bizarre to me how I can feel healthy and happy and amazing in a physical sense but one stupid little number can just cause every shred of pride in your accomplishments to completely dissipate.  My mother used the word 'fixated' to describe my current association with my weight and physical appearance as I stood glaring at the scale. She's so very right though - she often is. I don't know what it is with me and my horrid relationship with my body. I don't know what I ultimately want to look like, I don't know how far I want or need to go until I'll be satisfied... All I know is that I don't want to look how I look right now. I just don't want to look like me.

I suppose that I sound grossly superficial in this instance... I know it's such a petty thing to allocate so much time and attention to. I don't know if it can currently be helped though. I've been insecure about my body ever since I can remember being aware of my physical appearance. I've always been the fat, ugly kid who always stood a part from her gorgeous friends with perfect figures. Especially when I was younger, I felt as though it was so unfair that I looked the way I did and that because of my physical appearance it meant I was allowed to be the victim of verbal bullying from my peers as well as from people who were really close to me. So I've always grown up with this massively skewed self-concept aided by my negative and dismal self esteem and my unrealistic idea of my ideal self. That's just how it's always been and I suppose then it's needless to say that my insecurity surrounding my physical appearance directly influenced my emotional and psychological health as well.

I struggled for a while with an eating problem - I'm not quite sure whether I have the liberty to call it a disorder. I still don't have the healthiest of relationships when it comes to eating... It's not about what I eat so much as it is about how much I eat. I generally eat very healthily i.e. low in carbohydrates, low in sugar, low in sodium, high protein, lots of tea and water, minimal junk food or takeaways, etc. Unfortunately, I go through this back and forth - a vicious cycle if you will. Either I eat far too little or far too much. It's always been like that. However, my phases of binge or excessive eating are far shorter than my almost anorexic approach to food. I wrote a poem about a year or so ago that very aptly portrays my view of my body as well as my view in regards to eating or the lack thereof as a means to solving my physical crises. I have grown up somewhat since having written the poem but there are still definite correlations between my self esteem and self concept of both then and now.

Oh To Starve - By Jillian Lawrence

When I happen  

To steal a glance at the mirror…

I cringe. 

My dignity and sanity,

Slowly unhinged.

I don’t see a person

I don’t see me…

I don’t even see what you think

That you see.

I see all of my failures-

They’re scars across my face.

A mark of the disgrace.

I see the overwhelming evidence

Of a girl unwanted.

Unneeded and defeated.

I look big, like a giant of sorts

Every blink is a thunderous roar

Every step is a trembling quake.

It must be a mistake…

Why does reality seem so fake.

Why do you see a person

While I see a mountainous ruin.

Grotesque and obscene

Obesity of note

A fat joke…

Oh murder was all that she wrote

But never could do it.

I can’t do it.

Oh to die would be too easy

It seems too good to be true

The only downside would be

Not saying goodbye to you.

All I see in the mirror

Is the mess-

What I've confessed.

I can’t face it 

I can’t beat it.

It’s too big to beat.

The only solution is to starve

So that the shell of my adversity

Dwindles and dies

That way nobody cries…

Because there’s no blood,

Only my face in the mud.

Oh to starve so that I 

May fade away

Until I wish to be seen someday

The more I see

The more I'm reminded 

Of all I've done

Of all they did.

Oh to starve…

It seems the only way

To disappear a little more

Each day…

So that I may not be reminded

Of my darkest desires

To give up completely

To starve my body of air-

To kick the chair…

Oh to starve...

And to rid myself of life.

I found it quite morbid to read that and also somewhat chilling to recall my own state of mind when I first penned that poem. I've grown somewhat more confident in myself but I am still far from content. I think that's going to take a lot more work on my part as well as a lot more spiritual growth. I can go on these intense body bashing trips and then I suddenly realise that I am hating on something that God created and that He finds beautiful. At present, I don't understand why I was created to look the way that I do but I do know and believe firmly that God's plan and reasons for doing things is far beyond mortal comprehension. I feel so guilty at times when I look in the mirror and still hate what I see - I want so badly to be okay with not being the thinnest or the prettiest person on the planet. I want to say that I'll be okay with looking average... but I hate complacency and I hate the idea of mediocrity. That's why I have this raging inner conflict... because I'm fighting with myself and I get angry with myself for not being amazing at everything. I hate not being good at things and I hate thinking that I have not lived up to the expectations that I have of myself and that other people have of me.

I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm losing. It doesn't seem to matter that I eat healthily and exercise. The change or the difference that is supposed to come about is not apparent to me. Even when I somehow think that it is and for a split second I am happy with myself, there is something that ruins it for me... Like a snide comment from my sister or someone takes a photo of me and I don't look as good as I thought I felt. Inferiority is something I've always had to grapple with and it often wins as a result of it being so overwhelming at times. My physical struggle is perhaps most prominent because it's something I face continuously and I am most aware of it... I'm constantly caused to compare myself to everyone else - mentally deciding that they're prettier than me because they're thinner, because they have blue eyes, because their hair is longer, because their nose is sharper. I know I shouldn't but it's become inherent and that's why I call what I face an inner struggle because I loathe the fact that it has become habitual for me to knock myself down. It's like an out-of-body experience at the moment - I watch myself self-destruct at the fault of my own venomous words... And I can't run from myself. All I can do is try to distract myself from the screaming in my head - the sheer torment that I'll always be this way; that I'll always feel the pain of inadequacy.

I want more than anything to just be better. I want to keep getting better until my dying day... I just feel so blocked and frustrated at the fact that my efforts fall short. For those of you who have ever watched A Knight's Tale (if you haven't, go watch it - you have not yet lived until you do)... I feel like there's this voice inside of me that I can only assimilate to Adhemar. I keep hearing that line where he says, "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?" In what world could I ever be good enough? Whether it be physically, academically, creatively... Will I ever be as extraordinary as I have always dreamed to be? My biggest fear is that I will die and no one will care... I want to be remembered, I want to make a difference yet this overwhelming sense of mediocrity has me doubtful and worried about whether I'll die with integrity or in the depths of despair.

I don't want this baggage and the burden of all of my toxic insecurity any more. I'm clinging so desperately to faith and to God right now. I'm trusting so blindly and with such indignation because I have no choice but to refuse the suffering and to rather choose the peace that comes with resting in the assurance of Christ. I can't love any one fully until I stop hating myself. I can't ever be in a healthy relationship until I'm able to affirm myself instead of expecting to have all of my insecurities be somehow miraculously cured by some poor mortal man - only my God can do that. 

I just want all the hurtful words of the past to die and to slip from my memory... I don't want to see the faces of the people who verbally abused the shy and overly-sensitive primary school Jill as raging distortions that choke me as I sleep. I don't want to look at my own sister, someone who I've always naturally looked to as a role model and looked for affirmation from, wishing that I had never existed to her so as to escape her criticism of me. I just want to be able to love my friends, family and God as they ought to be loved... and while this hate rages within me and eats away at my very soul, I cannot do that - I cannot be better.

I want to look at myself and see something beautiful - it doesn't matter what 'beautiful' actually looks like, I just want to feel as though I no longer have to change or attempt to be someone or something that I am not for the sake of the acceptance of others. I don't want the number on a scale or carelessly tossed insults to define the way I view myself. I want to be proud of the fact that I was moulded and shaped by a loving God who made me the way that I am for reasons that are good and perfectly in contribution and accordance with His plan and His will. I want to delight in the fact that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made instead of dwelling in the self-imposed misery surrounding my feelings of inadequacy. I want to smile instead of inwardly scowling at the mirror - I want to be thankful instead of melancholy to point where I am blind to my blessings.

--J.