To Him & The Girl He Loves

To my dear friend who I've hurt and let down... I am sorry and you know that. I hate that I've hurt you but I am more upset about the fact that I haven't been able to make you understand why I did what I did. I hate that there's this misunderstanding between us. I don't want to cry over this but there's a lump in throat and my stomach is is knots because I can't bare to face the fact that I've disappointed you.

I love you so much. You know how I feel about you. People who don't know me and who don't know you enjoy looking from the outside in and casting their judgements. They tell you that I'm in love with you but I'm really not. If I was in love with you, you wouldn't even have to ask me because you would just know because I would've shown you. I'm not in love with you because you've made it clear that you don't want me to ever be. I'm comfortable with the boundaries that you've lay down for our friendship and you should now that I would never intentionally cross a line unless you wanted me to. I'm not in love with you because I haven't been given the opportunity to be nor am I looking for that opportunity.

When I love someone completely, fully and unconditionally...I love hard. I will not hesitate to give you all of me because I love you with all of my soul. You're my friend and I'm dedicated to making you happy. Because of the society we live in my actions, when measured by a conventional scale, seem strange and are misunderstood because the world fears what it does not know... and the world doesn't know me. The world dictates the way we love one another and what is socially acceptable but I have never been one for conforming. I love you intensely which to you may feel like it's on another level but to me it's what is natural and normal. I'm not in love with you... No one has experienced me in that state yet. I haven't trusted anyone enough yet. If you think this love is intense and on a level that is beyond your tolerance of understanding then wait until you see how I love someone when I'm in love with them but not now - one day.

I don't want to be understood by the world because it doesn't bother or define me. I have always done things differently and I will continue to do so as long as my personality and individuality runs through my veins.

To the girl that you love - that you love and want on a different level: I hope that you never feel insecure. You have no reason to be and if you need proof of why you shouldn't be then look into the eyes of the guy who is willing and able to give you so much of himself. You're beautiful and kind and he adores you. Don't doubt that you're amazing and don't compare yourself to anyone else because no one else makes him feel the way that you do. Don't doubt that you're extraordinary and don't ever feel justified in feeling insecure because you have no reason to be. Nobody can love him like you can because your love is the most important and most valued... 

I can't be expected to fit the world's expectation and while I don't necessarily expect you to understand... I can only hope that you'll accept me as I am.

--J.

Battle-Mode

You have suffered and endured through enough just from being my friend. I'm sure that in the beginning, you didn't know what you were actually signing up for because I seemed nice enough, I seemed normal and I seemed safe. As it turns out I am none of those things and therefore I hold you in my highest regard for having stuck around as long as you have. Therefore I am willing and able to sacrifice all that I have and all that I am for you.

I'm a very kind and caring person with a humorous personality that has the ability to attract people to me but it's all superficial. If you know me not by that description but as something more sinister it means you have attempted to delve deeper into inner circle and therefore it is required that you are tested. Everyone that I have come to love has been tested and based on their results I have been able to make informed decisions about whether or not those people are allowed beyond my walls. 

I am yet to truly find a person that has surpassed all of my testing and suspicion. I am yet to let anyone into my core. Even my best friends are still being put to the test on a continual basis to ensure that they will stick around even when I'm absolutely unbearable thereby proving their love for me. My insecurity causes me to become almost unbearable in the way that I push and test people. I don't want to get hurt at all... ever... which is why I'll never break down my walls to anyone. I will never stop pushing the people I love because I feel that when they love me in the bad times, it makes them more appreciative of the good times with me and it is infinitely easier to love me in happier times as well.

I think and I know that I think too much and that I overreact to pretty much everything. This is because even the slightest issue could give rise to the potential for pain to be felt and therefore I immediately go into a "battle-mode" in which I defend what's left of me. My methods are obviously not fool-proof and often do more harm than good in that they push away people that love and care about me because they don't know how to deal with what I'm pushing at them and they can't face the person I've become in contrast with the person they originally thought that I was.

There are a few people who have, so far, been successful in the tests I've given them so far. Those people- I'd die for them. I'd sacrifice every ounce of my happiness so that they may have theirs. I am dramatic and clearly too emotional for my own good but I'm loyal- even to those who have caused me pain and have long disappeared from my life in an attempt to escape my never-ending stream of problems. 

I only hope that those who don't understand me, understand just one thing about me. I follow Jesus and as a result their are certain behaviours I strongly practice and believe in, The most prominent of these behaviours, is that of sacrifice out of love. Jesus died so that I may live for an eternity so I figure that it would be a small in comparison for me to merely sacrifice my life for the people I love.

Sacrifice is selfless but it still gets me what I want. What I want is the happiness of the people who I love and who are still brave enough to love me in return. I want them to experience lifetimes of happiness and bliss. If I could, in any way, contribute or influence than I would do what it takes to do so.

I will always love and I will never hesitate to sacrifice.

--J.

Rain, Rain

Rain, rain
Go away
Torment
Someone else today
Water falls on my face 
So cold it burns
It is the same
I feel the same
It reminds me
Of when
You ran away
Rain, rain
You're here again
Does that mean that
You've brought pain?
I remember 
Your face
I remember those eyes
Your lies
And how I tried 
To believed you
I believed you
He's not you 
Yet he'll do the same
He'll bring the rain
- The pain.
Rain, rain
Go away 
Don't return
Until I learn
What real love is.
Rain, pain
Go away
Don't come again
On any other day
Because when you come
I'll be done
Rain, rain
Go away.

--J.

Let's Not Care

Sometimes one just has to realise that it's not always worth it to care about something. Even if it surrounds an area of great importance and influence in your life- it doesn't guarantee that it's bettering your life in any way.

I have recently decided not to care... mainly because I actually didn't have much of a choice.I'm just completely emotionally exhausted as a result of all the nonsense that has accumulated in my life. I hate this drama and this pressure- the judgement and the disappointment. I'm so tired of everything and practically everyone.

I want to run... I want to get as far away from my life here as possible just in an attempt to breathe without feeling the weight of expectation. Don't misunderstand me- I love my family and friends... but even so, I just feel the need to escape because even the people who love me are subject to societal propaganda.

I cannot help that I do a lot of things differently. I'm not going to apologise for not wanting to be normal. I understand things in a way that isn't conventional, I solve problems creatively instead of analytically and I hate asking for help. I have long decided that my life's purpose is not to be ordinary therefore I refuse to define myself by society's superficial standards. Hence, I don't appreciate the expectations that I feel others have of me that are based on societal conforms. 

I feel extremely judged. Perhaps you're thinking now that I'm being melodramatic and that I'm merely seeking attention. On a normal day, yes... but today isn't normal- it's different in that I'm not looking for attention through the means of victimising myself... I am merely voicing my frustration and my exhaustion because for some reason I feel like I'm in a hostile environment  that I am desperate to escape.

The judgement is also guilt that I feel. I feel like I'm disappointing everybody lately and for some absurd reason I can't seem to do absolutely anything right or make anyone happy. Even though I have the best of intentions, I still manage to screw everything up. I don't know why this is happening all of a sudden but I do wish for it to stop. I hate that I cannot make others happy... I suppose, as well, part of the reason for my new-found unwillingness to care any more comes from the fact that I seem to be failing despite the fact that I care about my family and friends. I absolutely hate the idea of or the potential to fail especially when it has to do with something that isn't just consequential to myself but to others as well. Therefore in order to prevent myself from encountering failure, it is somewhat easier not to care and not risk anything by doing so. 

I'm hoping that my life will stop spinning out of control and that I will be able to actually regain a sense of knowing as well as a sense of belonging. I know that a lot of what I'm facing has come about due to the choices that I have chosen to make therefore I'm working really hard to get to a point where I at least feel safe within myself and my own mind before I expect other people to provide me with a safe environment. 

It's troubling and it's difficult. It's life... and I am determined to change it.

Picture Perfect

In my mind I see myself as beautiful. When there is no comparison and just my own wishful thinking, I am good enough. I wish what I see in my head would show up in the photographs that they take so that the world may see all that I wish to be instead of judging me.

The light is just right. The wind gently whips through my hair. My clothes hug my body in all the right places - showing off my curves and covering my flaws. For once I look like I want to feel. I sense the smile spread across my face with ease and the light glints in my eyes but doesn’t burn. There is no pressure and no expectation. Every picture is perfect and I am finally good enough to everyone else and no longer have to try to convince myself or the world that I have something to offer.

Unfortunately I don’t live in the world that is in my head. I cannot be beautiful in the world that I, in reality, live in because society won’t allow me to be. I know very well that I shouldn't listen to what society confines me to… I don’t. It’s everybody else that can’t see past the limitations that we’ve built around ourselves. So tell me, how can I be beautiful when the world screams so blatantly that as much as I try, I will not be? Why when I look at the pictures they take of me do I never see someone beautiful and unique but rather someone that is labelled as ugly?

I want to find someone that can properly photograph me – in pictures that capture what I think I see. Is it too much to ask that someone within this twisted society will find me beautiful and captivating? I want someone to finally see all of me without being put off by what they initially see on the outside. I want someone to take that perfect picture… I want someone to fall in love with me…

When he looks at me, he’ll see all of me. He’ll see all that makes me beautiful and different. He won’t care about the labels that society has manufacture. He’ll want to love me. He’ll be my perfect photographer – I’ll finally like what I see when I look in the mirror because there’s someone that loves the way I am… completely.

In my mind I’ll see myself as beautiful and he will think the same thing.

He'll think that I’m picture perfect.

--J.

Lonely Moments

Lonely moments. You're not here. I don't know where you are or how I'm meant to find you... I only know that I have to.

It's saddening - this quiet desperation I feel. I have no sense of self since becoming so dependent on you. It seems as though I can't reverse what I've done to myself... I can't let go of you for the life of me. You are so integral to my happiness that it's most certainly unhealthy and I'm ashamed that I allowed it to get to this point where I am nothing without you.

Even within a crowd, I feel isolated and lonely because I don't have you with me. I don't lack the ability to make friends so therefore it is not as if it's something I can't control. Why don't I want to let anyone else in? Will they hurt me like the people who I have let in before? Is it because I only have room in my heart for you? Why do I begin to cry when I imagine the prospect of a life without you. 

One cannot exactly explain or understand how I became so attached to and adoring of you especially when the vast majority of people don't see what I see when they look at you. That's exactly it though- it's because I can see the things that others misunderstand of overlook. I see a beauty in you that attracts me to you. I find you to be magnificent... yet I am certain that it is a sin to be ruled by the mere thought of a mortal like you. 

The simple answer is that I'm in love with you... but then again, nothing about me has ever been simple. I'm overly-complicated and therefore my feelings follow suit. I could never be romantic with you for the excruciating fear that I may lose you... and also because I would probably kill you. We would kill each other if anything happened further than our friendship. So what I mean by "in love" in this particular context is not mushy-gushy kind of love that is encouraged by our materialistic and superficial society. I mean, rather, that I could never live with you. I'm in love with you in the most platonic sense of the term. I love you to an extent that it's controlling and consuming but it isn't a love that can be equated to that of a boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't really know whether I've adequately explained it for now... As soon as it becomes clear to me, I will do my utmost best to share my new found comprehension.

I need to find a way in which I won't feel so lonely- a way in which I won't be so painfully reminded that I'm single... I suppose there isn't really a good method. Do I go and make new friends and be content with just being hailed by you when needed? Do I occupy myself, at those times, with activities that don't require any other human participation beside my own?

There are so many unanswered questions that will remain so for  long time. More will be added to the list...

...in these Lonely Moments.

--J.

The House That I Built

There's a house behind that mountain - a house that I built. I broke my bones and I broke my spirit to build that house behind the mountain - to build that house for you. 


From where you stand, you can't see what I have done. You stand on your balcony over-looking the sea so you don't see the mountain - and you don't see me. Your fingers curl around the banister and your knuckles grow white as you tighten your grip. You're frustrated at the sea... for the waves don't offer stability.


The waves are like me... unstable and unpredictable. The waves can be dangerous - deadly even. I can be dangerous - deadly even. You curse at my instability. that has bled you dry You scream at the spray of the sea that intends to gently kiss your lips but instead... stings them. The billowing white curtains are tossed to and fro as the wind roars at you. You're angry now because you don't understand how you managed to see beauty in the waves, in the sea... the beauty in me.


You close the doors that had welcomed the scenery and the sun. You retreat and withdraw into yourself because you're confused and you're cold... you're scared yet you're bold... you're surrounded yet alone. The more you hide and destroy what you cannot comprehend, the more it rains. It pours from the heavens - the tears of the sky that fly down like acid and attack your world. The coastal French villa that you've barricaded yourself in... it's coming down. The rain eats away at the memories you've made and suddenly you've got nowhere to run. The grey clouds have eclipsed the sun and you're desolate. You look at the sea that rages and writhes and you finally realise. You haven't been looking at me... so now it's time that you found me. 


You desperately cling to the slippery rocks as you're forced to escape. You climb up the dreaded mountain with its razor-sharp protrusions while the earth beneath your feet turns to mud and falls away. The beach house that she built for you is beaten down upon, it's torn and finally swept away. The sand fled from beneath its beams as if to signify how poorly the foundation had been laid. You watch, your breathing staggered and your heart racing as your house built upon the sand is ripped from its roots and out of your sight.


You climb higher because the rain is relentless and swallows up the ground below. There is nowhere else to go but up. Your throat is dry and your vision is blurry in your tired eyes. The clouds begin to lighten and the sun timidly peeps through to touch the mountain top. You're getting closer to me - the real me this time... I can hear you calling out my name with every heavy step you take. I think you'll find that I'm worth it. I beg the rocks to soften so that you may find me more easily. You haven't seen me yet.


I've been waiting for a while now - in this house I built for you. It's modest and it's quaint compared to the grandeur you've had before but it'll make you feel at home for once. Its foundation is strong - steeped deeply into the stone so that it may never give in. There are no marble pillars or crystal chandeliers - only the bricks I've laid to protect you.


Finally, you tumble over the height of the mountain and the rapturous sea is out of your sight. You see the charming house below that seems to call out comfortingly to you. I'm waiting for you patiently like I always have only now you're so very close. I hear the stones and sand shift as your footsteps become louder and my heart begins to race. You stop at the door - you hesitate - and you knock so firmly that it shakes me.


I walk to the door which seems to be so infinitely far away. I'll finally see you and you'll see me. Fear builds up inside of me as I reach out to open the door - the fear that you won't be you but rather someone that I haven't been waiting an eternity for. I dread that sinking feeling that I may get when your face is not the one that I see. I won't find out unless I place my faith in the hope that my waiting is over.


You're at the door of a house on the mountain - a house that I built. My bones have healed and I've bought back my spirit since building this house on the mountain - since building this house for you.


...


There you are.


--J.