To my dear friend who I've hurt and let down... I am sorry and you know that. I hate that I've hurt you but I am more upset about the fact that I haven't been able to make you understand why I did what I did. I hate that there's this misunderstanding between us. I don't want to cry over this but there's a lump in throat and my stomach is is knots because I can't bare to face the fact that I've disappointed you.
I love you so much. You know how I feel about you. People who don't know me and who don't know you enjoy looking from the outside in and casting their judgements. They tell you that I'm in love with you but I'm really not. If I was in love with you, you wouldn't even have to ask me because you would just know because I would've shown you. I'm not in love with you because you've made it clear that you don't want me to ever be. I'm comfortable with the boundaries that you've lay down for our friendship and you should now that I would never intentionally cross a line unless you wanted me to. I'm not in love with you because I haven't been given the opportunity to be nor am I looking for that opportunity.
When I love someone completely, fully and unconditionally...I love hard. I will not hesitate to give you all of me because I love you with all of my soul. You're my friend and I'm dedicated to making you happy. Because of the society we live in my actions, when measured by a conventional scale, seem strange and are misunderstood because the world fears what it does not know... and the world doesn't know me. The world dictates the way we love one another and what is socially acceptable but I have never been one for conforming. I love you intensely which to you may feel like it's on another level but to me it's what is natural and normal. I'm not in love with you... No one has experienced me in that state yet. I haven't trusted anyone enough yet. If you think this love is intense and on a level that is beyond your tolerance of understanding then wait until you see how I love someone when I'm in love with them but not now - one day.
I don't want to be understood by the world because it doesn't bother or define me. I have always done things differently and I will continue to do so as long as my personality and individuality runs through my veins.
To the girl that you love - that you love and want on a different level: I hope that you never feel insecure. You have no reason to be and if you need proof of why you shouldn't be then look into the eyes of the guy who is willing and able to give you so much of himself. You're beautiful and kind and he adores you. Don't doubt that you're amazing and don't compare yourself to anyone else because no one else makes him feel the way that you do. Don't doubt that you're extraordinary and don't ever feel justified in feeling insecure because you have no reason to be. Nobody can love him like you can because your love is the most important and most valued...
I can't be expected to fit the world's expectation and while I don't necessarily expect you to understand... I can only hope that you'll accept me as I am.
--J.
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