I Change

I can't bare to tell them that I loved them first for their gender. I feel guilty for loving their physicality before their souls. I don't want them to know that I feel as though I've used them.


Sometimes, to a girl, boys are better friends than other girls can be. For me this is true for two cases. I have two guy friends that I consider myself to be close to. Other girls often carry their own emotional baggage and provide more problems than they're worth... Sometimes it's just so much easier to be friends with guys. There definitely isn't a shortage of imperfection but there seems to be a lot more honesty.


I feel guilty... Because I feel I've used two of my best friends. Physically, I can be very demanding... and the type of physical attention one receives from guys is so much more gratifying to me than any sort of physical attention between any of my female friends. Perhaps it is mainly to the fact that they are simply different and therefore, in a way, intriguing. All I know is that I love being physically loved by guys (what girl doesn't). I just know, however that because I am also very emotional I seem to need physical affirmation that much more.


If you read my previous post, you would realise my dilemma of not being able to "feel". My relationships with my two closest guy friends, I think, are a lot more physical than any of my other relationships (not in a sexual way)including my relationships with my father and brother. It could be considered unhealthy and perhaps I am setting myself up for later destruction by interacting with them the way I do. I understand the consequences  and I have begun to feel them set in.


I fear the change that is inevitable. I know that I'm the one who changes. Something within me causes me to shut down and block out. I'm the one who changes.


--J.                                                  

Quebrado

You get given a taste of magic, a taste of freedom and then it's all taken from you. There is never a warning or a careful let down nor is there every really any one to blame. There is always bad timing, judging onlookers and fear that manages to drive a wedge between us and all that could ever make us happy.


I don't understand. I am lost within a world filled with hurtful people. This life can be perfect for an instance but never longer... because happiness in us is what is envied by others. Pure bliss can entertain you for one moment when all of a sudden it can be snatched away from you by an undermining, insecure soul who is too desperate for their own happiness and too selfish to let you have yours.


I struggle so much,recently, to care... to feel. My relationships have definitely changed because of that. I'm more physically open because I feel less and touch means nothing any more... because I can no longer feel loved by man. I am broken. Anything from a friendly hug to a careful caress ignites nothing and goes no where. Nothing means anything any more because I can't feel.


One can try and try to feel again... But the more one tries, the more one rips at the seams. I tried to feel again... granted, with the wrong person and it has backfired on me. Rather than feel, I have ruined one friendship and dreadfully scarred another. Although I have not emotionally crossed any boundaries, I have physically overstepped in certain places. The only thing that I feel as a result though, is the overwhelming ache in my heart as the emptiness rages within me and despair slowly drowns me.


Things sadly change and every form of pseudo-happiness fades away. Thankfully, for my sanity's sake, there are relationships I have that run with a an ancient love and are stronger than my more recent relationships. They bring me happiness and strength to soothe the wounds in my soul. They do not, however, do enough to make me feel again. I merely clutch to the memories of a time when I felt all things deeply and purely. Now I am a mess.


I crave for reparation and restoration. I deeply wish I hadn't messed everything up yet again. If only my heart would cease to sit at the base of my throat and pound in my ears. If only my tears came only when I called upon them. 


If only I didn't have this pain in my chest where my heart used to lie and where my soul came to die...


--J.