"Inside"

Over a year ago, a concept came to me in a moment of rare and fleeting clarity. For a split second, I knew what I was feeling on the inside -  I was not awash in confusion as to what it was raging within me. I could hear the screaming within my rib cage. I could hear the roar.

What I felt inspired me to begin my recently completed piece that I have entitled 'Inside' - an acrylic painting of a lion on a standard A3 piece of paper. I stained the paper with coffee and tea and once it had dried, I drew the outline of a lion within a couple of days of having thought of the idea. However, I didn't touch it until under a year later. I was scared of screwing it up and of possibly being unable to bring the vision I had to life on the page that lay before me.

I got caught up in the busyness that was my second year of university so I shelved 'Inside' along with the majority of my creative pursuits until very recently. After finding myself to be exhausted by academics to a point of intense unhappiness and complete deficit of motivation, I decided to do some work for the soul and get out my art box once again.

I had drawn the complete outline of the lion in pencil so I had a considerable amount of anxiety about having to throw paint all over it (thereby having to completely remove my initial and only guidelines for the outcome of this piece which, needless to say, kind of freaked me out). There wasn't really a way around it of course seeing as it was the only way I would get any closer to finishing the piece that had been collecting dust at the bottom of my art box for the past 10 or 11 months. I originally planned to simply re-draw the silhouette over the colour layers before the final stage however, the acrylic dried with an incredibly smooth and glossy finish which made it pretty much impossible to execute my original plan without damaging the progress I had made thus far. Luckily I figured out a way, using a 6B pencil and preschool-level colouring skills, to imprint the outline on the new surface I had to work with. 

Then came the tough part - the difficulty came mostly from having to do fine detail. I suppose it was probably just more time-consuming than it was difficult... so naturally patience was required (just FYI - I am probably one of the most impatient people on the planet and being an amateur artist and a writer with that specific character trait is not necessarily the best thing).

Anyway, without any further ado here is a sequence of photos showing the journey and phases of my most recent piece, "Inside". I went through a lot of change, introspection and what I believe to be personal growth over the last year and this piece could quite possibly have been, in part, a catalyst for all of that. So here it is -  hope you dig it.

  -- J.

What 10 Days Without Eating Taught Me

A while back - almost two weeks before Easter of this year - I decided to try out my own rendition of the (in)famous Master Cleanse. I looked up exactly how to do it and what I would need and then set a date for myself. I wanted to do something drastic and unexpected... I wanted to accomplish something that the people around me would never even attempt for themselves. I learnt a lot more than I expected and experienced challenges and pleasant surprises along the way.

I started out doing this with the intention to lose weight quickly - sustainability of this weight loss was not what I was concerned about or striving towards, I just wanted to test whether it could be done at all. I wanted to see if I could be that girl who could drastically lose weight in a short period time and have everybody stare and take notice. I was seeking some semblance of control in a midst of chaos that I could not seem to find relief or escape from. I don't think I understood, at the beginning, the amount of personal growth I was to undergo as my body withered away.

I literally lived on lemon water and a couple of teaspoons of honey every day. I would take a multivitamin and a Herbex supplement as well... I think that was mostly to ease my mother's nerve though. I think the hardest part was the in the beginning - around the first two to three days - when I really started to feel the hunger to a point where I walked around in perpetual discomfort. After that stage though, I genuinely didn't feel hungry any more. I developed strategies to distract myself and to compensate for the lack of food. I followed A LOT of food blogs and Instagram accounts and made a mental list of all of the amazing things I would be able to eat if I were to complete this challenge I had set for myself. I suppose that sounds like it would be counter-productive for some but I actually found it quite helpful. Another thing I realized after reaching about the half way mark was that a sense of hunger is largely a psychological response as opposed to a physical one. I was able to convince myself that I wasn't hungry and that I actually didn't need to eat... soon enough the desire to eat would go away. As my body got used to the lack of food, it also got easier because the hunger aches went away and I wasn't so heavily aware of food.

After a short while, I noticed the changes that I felt. I was extremely fatigued throughout the entire experience which can be expected - I wasn't putting any energy into my body besides the occasional cup of black coffee or green tea or an energy/vitamin effervescent. I wasn't just craving sleep, my muscles also felt incredibly weak and pretty much like mush by the end of it. I had to start leaving my res ten minutes earlier for classes because I just couldn't walk as fast. Stairs were a mission, unexpected detours were a definite no and as soon as I started moving around, all I wanted to do was sit or lie down again. I am not a frequent nap-taker but during this time, every time I happened to lie down on a soft surface I was out like a light. I mentally drained as well - I was still able to get work done throughout this time but it took me considerably longer to process things. Even in general conversation, it took me a while to answer questions that required a little more thought or contemplation. It was more annoying for me to be mentally slowed than physically. Sometimes I feel like my mind is kind of all I have going for me so I'd do my utmost to protect it.

Here are some important lessons I learnt while doing this 'cleanse':

1.) Be kind to yourself.

When I decided I was going to do this, I naturally got a lot of negative feedback from my family and friends. I expected this of course and I know it all came from a place of genuine concern for me. However, it meant that I was going into this alone essentially. My family and friends were more ready to catch me when I fell as opposed to helping me positively along the way. It was more a matter of trying to talk me out of it - which I understood. It just meant that I had to be my own source of encouragement. I had to be patient and gentle with myself in order to stay somewhat sane throughout the process. It was not a time in which I could afford to be dependent on anyone else. This was a period of growth and awareness within which there was no room for self doubt or self hate.

2.)Your personal conception of beauty is the one that matters.

I went into this with conception of beauty that was very much informed by socio-cultural circumstances. Skinny is pretty, fad dieting and weight loss pills... All of that jazz. Perfection is our disease of choice and unfortunately, as I realized quite abruptly in doing this, that I have been sick for a very long time. I have always considered the opinions of others way too highly when it comes to my physical appearance and I have never quite been able to shake it. I have always defined my beauty or lack thereof according to the preferences and expectations of absolute strangers. When I find that I am attracted to someone, my immediate thought is that I need to lose weight in order for them to like me. Even though I see girls of all shapes and sizes in happy and healthy relationships, I've always just assumed that in order for me to ever be able to attract someone I have to be thinner. 

I pride myself on being somewhat of a gender rights activist as of late... I despise the idea of discrimination particularly when based on someone's anatomy. It just doesn't make any sense to me for people to be denied certain privileges and basic human dignities on the basis of a chromosome. It then dawned on me that my conception of beauty was formed on the basis of what men think of me and how attractive I am to them. However, it shouldn't matter at all to me how they view me for who are they to have any power whatsoever in determining my value and worth as a human being? 

As long as I can stand in front of the mirror and like what I see and who I am solely on the basis of being myself, I am happy. I will no longer play victim to a twisted and elitist understanding and appreciation of beauty.

3.) Learn & be creative.

Not eating frees up your day quite considerably. I found it was a great time to draw and to write (even if it remained unpublished). Read a book, watch a water color art tutorial on YouTube, make an origami swan. Instead of feeding your stomach, feed your soul and your imagination... you'd be surprised as to just how hungry the other parts of your being are and how consistently you ignore them. 

I mentioned earlier that I started following a lot of food blogs and Instagram accounts - this was partly for inspiration. I wanted to ensure that any food that I was to consume after having completed the cleanse was not only healthy but not boring or bland as well. I was delighted to find so many great ideas and recipes that express exactly what I was looking for. Expand your cooking repertoire and spice up an otherwise bland diet - for me, as a student I often have very little time to consume anything other than rice cakes, popcorn and tea...

4.) Smile

I went through a lot of really dull moments where I was plagued by fatigue, hunger, mild depression, work stress, etc. I had to force myself to smile sometimes and to laugh at jokes I found to be stupid to keep myself from spiraling down into a black abyss of despair. Even if your smile is wholly insincere, it relaxes your facial muscles and calms you on a physiological level. So just do it, okay? Trust me on this. If you're a cynic like me then smile sarcastically or in spite of someone else if you have to. There are an infinite amount of reasons to smile in this world even though those reasons are equally matched by reasons not to. I hate to say it because I am a proud nihilist and pessimist at the best of time but positivity is key in life.

5.) Be thankful.

I gained a lot of respect for people who go without food just because that is life for them - for the people who don't have a choice. I felt like a bit of a spoilt brat by giving up a life of apparent luxury on a very small scale but at any moment I could have given up on my goal and gone back to endlessly stuffing my face why millions of people are starving. I am truly blessed and my life overflows with grace. I am extremely thankful for my family and friends... regardless of their views on and opinions of my actions - the fact that they were present is most certainly a gift. I truly have far more than I deserve.

6.) Be proud.

By this I don't meant to condone arrogance or a boastfulness. I do however promote a quiet and humble pride (if that is not too paradoxical). As someone with very little confidence, this kind of achievement did wonders for me... especially in seeing the results of it. It is important to not limit yourself and a healthy pride in your achievements helps a lot in your affirmation of yourself. By achievements I don't mean you have to constantly be winning at life - that is certainly not how things are quite panning out for me... I mean that you should be proud in your success as well as in your failure because therein lies a lesson that you probably would not have learnt otherwise. 

I can confidently say that I feel better about myself and about my body for having had this experience. I obviously gained back the weight I lost because it wasn't about sustainable weight loss after all but I don't think I've ever been happier with my body even though I am not at my thinnest. I also feel stronger mentally for having done this - the growth in terms of my self control and belief in my own ability has been amazing and invaluable. I am filled with gratitude.

I hope that you found this to be an interesting read and that it has given you something to think about. If you would like any more information about the type of cleanse I did or would like to look into any type of meditative or spiritual fast of any kind, comment below and I'll do my best to direct you to the best (and safest) sites for more information.

I do not promote or condone any sort of eating disorders of any kind - whether it be anorexia, bulimia, etc. If you know anyone who is suffering from either of these or a similar condition, please gently direct them to seek help or at least assure them of your willingness to support them. For more information about eating disorders and in order to contact treatment and support facilities in South Africa, please visit the following website --> http://eatingdisorderssa.com/

Have a wonderful day further! Be brave, be bold, be beautiful.

--J.

P.S. Below are some pictures I took while on my ten day journey just to give you some idea of what was going on. I suppose it's not particularly helpful seeing as I didn't take a 'before' photo but I lost about 8kgs at the end of it.

Crushes, The Kooks & Mild Procrastination

I haven't had a crush on anyone - like a brand new, passionate crush - in years. I had completely forgotten what it feels like yet now it has crept up on me and hit me right in the chest with full force. I am so at a loss to be entirely honest because I don't know what to do with these feelings except write. I haven't been inspired to write so strongly by an emotion in a very long time - my emotions have called for suppression rather than expression as of late.

The dynamics of having a crush on someone never really change in composition but rather they vary in degrees of intensity. I wouldn't really now where to rank my most recent crush but I would have to say that it's quite up there in the standings due to the fact that it has come on so quickly and resides within me so strongly.

(Now playing: Young Folks - The Kooks)

Staying true to myself, I've gone and developed feelings for someone that I cannot be with. Am I the queen of unrequited love or what? It has gotten quite tiring to always be said no to - even if only implicitly - and actually, the rejection I have had to withstand has been downright painful. I regret none of it though. I am a 'reacher' and not a 'settler' so naturally I am going to be drawn to the people way out of my league. It is a rather unfortunate habit and I think I may just tone it down a bit before I go completely crazy.

(Now playing: Over the Love - Florence & The Machine... Ha! How appropriate is this song right now though!)

I really enjoy the excitement that comes along with being completely caught up in somebody else's existence. It has been an age since I have been filled with joy like I have been for the past few weeks now. I feel slightly more bipolar than usual to be entirely honest... because one moment I am stressed and depressed about other personal dilemmas and the amount of work I have to do and then the next, everything wrong with life has dissipated into thin air and I am reduced to a smiling idiot. Dear crush, how does it feel to know that I am such a fool for you? (I highly doubt you'd ever stumble across my blog but anyway...)

(Now playing: Eskimo Kiss - The Kooks... You might be starting to realize that I am quite in love with their stuff. If you don't know who they are; 1) Shame on you, 2) Go get educated --> http://thekooks.com/#!/home)

I forgot what I was actually going to say in this next section because my wonderful roommate and I decided to take a video of us rambling on about our day and that managed to take us just over an hour because of the amount of time we spent laughing and eating. I have an 4000 word essay due in a couple of days that I haven't done much work on so I should be getting off of social media and my beloved blogging platforms to go and pursue academic excellence some time soon. However, before I can do anything productive I need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper before I am rendered utterly useless by daydreams and fantasies. 

(Now playing: Video Games - Lana Del Rey... Note: She's my absolute favourite. Lana = Life. BAE.)

So anyway, back to this whole crush business. I am thankful for actually knowing where I stand with this person i.e. I know that nothing is going to happen between us because it just makes it easier to be normal. I don't feel pressurized to impress said crush because I know my efforts would be fruitless. Now all that's left is to get the pesky infatuation feels out of my system. All should be well in time. I am thankful for my feelings and I believe that they are entirely understandable because Crush is amazing. I wouldn't have feelings for just anyone or someone who was a complete and total <insert bad word here>. So, I suppose I have to be kind to myself for a little bit and admit that it's okay and there are countless others in the same boat as myself. 

Dear Crush, thank you for making me excited about life. Thank you for making me want to go to gym in order to get back into shape. Thank you for inspiring me to write (BIG thank you). Thank you for being someone who is able to understand my mind. Thank you for giving me a hope in my ability to feel something for other people instead of believing that I would never find someone that I'd be drawn or attracted to. Thank you for making me realize how insignificant I am - I don't mean that in a self-hate kind of way... I am just utterly floored by all that you are and I am truly grateful on behalf of humanity for the fact that you are on this Earth. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for filling my head with thoughts of happiness and reasons to smile for no other reason than thinking of you.

(Now playing: Conquistador - Thirty Seconds To Mars)

I think I should wrap thing up here... mostly because I need to stop procrastinating and get back into work mode. I just have to hang in there for a couple more days before I get a week of vacation (catch up on studying and assignments) - urgh. Knowing myself though, I am certain that Crush will make an appearance or two in my head and succeed in distracting me to a point of Facebook stalking or emotional eating (Jokes! I'll probably end up on YouTube or Tumblr because therein lies the answers to life. Basically.)

I'm a student at Stellenbosch University (proud Matie) and we have an anonymous crushes page which never fails to amuse and sometimes disturb me. If you're a student at SU with a crush and you don't know about this page by now (which would be hard to believe), go and submit your crushes anonymously! Check it out on Facebook --> https://www.facebook.com/MatiesCrushes 

If you're reading this and have a crush on someone too, then all of the best! Don't be shy to be open and honest. I hope that it works out for you if it is truly meant to be!

Love to all,

--J.

P.S. I wrote a poem about my crush (ah, such a typical girl move) and it's chilling on Tumblr for the world to see. I'd love if you gave it a read. Feel free to Like or Reblog that ish and give me a follow if my Tumblr is to your liking - message and say that Talking To Teacups sent you and I'll be sure to give you a follow back and a shout out.

http://cutthroatsweetheart.tumblr.com/post/96303533331/i-thought-perhaps-i-was-attracted-to-you-because

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy

I hope you find some sort of comfort in the fact that I blog far less frequently nowadays out of consideration of what you have told me in regards to the content of the majority of my posts. You were right, of course, to say that the nature of my writing depicts my life as something that it is definitely not. I am a very blessed child to the point that some would look at me and call me spoilt. My blogging often reflects a very different picture - one of constant sadness and a tortured mind and soul. 

The truth is that a person is consistent of many parts. I have chosen to mainly express the parts of myself that I generally cannot speak about to my family and friends in person through the means of various blogging platforms. There is something impersonal yet still intimate about sharing your life online. You don't know who will read what you write or what they really think unless explicitly expressed. All I see are the number of page views I get. I am hardly a good enough blogger to warrant the comments of others nor is the content I generally discuss that which stirs others to say anything back to me. It just feels comforting to know that I can say what I otherwise feel that I cannot.I do recognize, however, that what I say here most of the time is deeply unfair to the people who love me. I admit that I have created a somewhat skewed perception of my life and for that I apologize with all sincerity. 

That being said, I would like you to know that I am struggling. Despite my blessings, I am finding life very difficult at the moment... and I have been for quite some time. I feel ashamed for even saying that because I do not really understand why I could possibly be so filled with anguish and pain when I have so much to be joyful about and so much to be thankful for. It drives me crazy to think what I put you through on the basis of the fact that you and Mommy love me more than I could ever begin to comprehend. I feel guilty and stuck in a sea of terrible habits that I have only just begun to sift through.

I am lost. I thought that I could go about life being informed by that which everybody else wants. I am lost because I have no true sense of who I am. I cannot separate myself and my own needs from what others expect from me and of me. I am trying to determine whether those should have be separated all of the time. I am trying so hard to find my feet in a world that is, I feel, spinning just a little too quickly for me. I know my mother has a go-to answer and that is to trust in God and to find myself in relation to the Lord. She's right. However, it is a far greater feat than I have ever imagined. The world is so critical and so vast and I am still trying to get a sense of what I actually believe and to what degree my faith needs strengthening. I feel so ill-equipped in the face of daily temptations, pressures and expectations. I feel weak. I know I am weak. I don't think there is anything else that I pray for more than strength.

I am scared. I fear failure and the looming dark cloud of my own inadequacy. I fear that I will never be able to feel as though I have made you and Mommy proud even though you have told me that you are on countless occasions. I fear that I will never be a good enough sister to my siblings because I focus so often on what they are better at than me and I find myself belittling my abilities and achievements according to what they have achieved or are able to do better than I. I am scared that I will never be good enough for someone - I fear rejection and I fear loneliness. It eats away at me everyday to think of the possibility that I will never find love and be able to experience the magic and the splendor of marriage that you and Mommy have been an example of to me. It scares me to think that I have set standards that are too high and that I will have to settle. I am scared of the idea of submission and feel deeply threatened by the idea of being dominated. I am already a doormat to most and I cannot do it anymore... especially not in a long-term, committed, intimate relationship. I fear that it will kill me to be in the shadows any longer. I feel as though I am burning in the dark, screaming violently among a crowd of the deaf. I am scared that I will end up doing something that makes me miserable... and that is what motivates to do something different.

I am mostly apologetic for the fact that I have given you so much unnecessary grief but there's a part of me that is glad for having never been close to perfect. At least I have the joy of making your life interesting through my strangeness. I have always managed to make a mess of things - even now I find that this post has become a lot about the sadness of my life and I just want you to know that that is not what I am trying to get at. I want you to be able to understand what is going on in my life, in my head and in my heart. In the midst of the problems that are largely of my own creation, please know that I am grateful. I am thankful; I recognize that I am divinely favored where others are not. I have an on-going education, I have a home, I have safety, I have loving friends and family, I don't have a war being waged above my head or on my doorstep, I have access to an abundance of opportunities that the majority of this world cannot even fathom. I know that everything that I have is thanks to you and thanks to my mother... and thanks to the merciful, gracious God that gave it to you in the first place. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed.

While I am hurting and I am sad, I ask for your prayer and your support. I ask for patience and I ask for guidance - not that you do not provide or offer those things readily and more than willingly. I do not want to be stuck in the dark corners of my life only to ignore the abundance of light handed to me with no strings attached. I need your advice and your hugs and your affirmation of me now more than ever. I need to find what it is within me that prevents from letting myself feel the love that I have been immersed in all of my life. "The fruit is right in front of you... You have only to taste it."

I am sorry that it is taking so long. I am sorry that it is not something I have found to be easy to do. I am sorry that I have been unfair and self-destructive to a point where it has caused me to become so self-absorbed.

I have chosen to do this blog post as an attempt to prove that not everything I write has to employ a tortured undercurrent. How could I ever write to or about my Daddy without an overwhelming sense of love, peace, gratitude, respect and admiration?

I love you. I truly love you.

- Agony blogger

  Number Three

  Your baby girl

  

  Jillian

Long Time No Ramble

I always find myself regretting not blogging more regularly yet I don't do anything about it for the majority of the time. It's been so long since I've written for the public that I'm not even too certain if the rules of the game are still the same. My words are probably old and overused. I probably won't have anything of substance to say - that's my problem when it comes to putting my thoughts into words, there's a whole 'lost in translation' thing that occurs and I end up not saying all that really needs to be said and focusing too much on other things. I need to learn to live a more nuanced life. 

Possibly the only reason why I'm writing, to be honest, is because I lost my phone last night. I'm distraught... and yes, I'm that girl. I am 100% miserable for having lost my phone. My phone is a filler. I spend more time scrolling through feeds and liking photos than sitting alone with myself and just being. I'm a typical first world brat. Here I am blogging on my own laptop with uncapped Wifi, reclining on my queen sized bed in my house (one with a roof, walls, fences and doors that lock)and complaining about the loss of my iPhone 5S after a day of drinking with good friends while there are children starving in my own country, families are being destroyed by the lethal combination of winter and poverty, Gaza is under attack. There's so much more to this world, really... yet I'm super-glued to my superficiality. I'm a hypocrite. I am just as vapid as the people I scowl at when they complain about their crush not texting them back soon enough.

My phone is an excuse. It's a brilliantly effective numbing agent. I am desensitized to everything going on in and around me. I stare at a bright screen all day and fool myself into thinking myself to be productive when I'm just being as much of a nothing as possible. I'm hoping that's the extent of lesson I was supposed to gain after having experienced this. I just want to get away from this uncomfortable feeling of disconnectedness. I can't be alone with myself right now... Not when I have yet to truly learn how to be okay with all the sides of me.

I miss my best friends. One of them I saw just yesterday but I don't think there's ever going to be a point where I'm going to think that I've seen her for long enough. It's kind of annoying not being able to become sick of someone. It's the exact opposite with her really. I'm addicted to my friendship with her - I go from moment to moment holding on to the high woven into the remains of memories of the times I've shared with her. She's just like me. She knows... or at least I hope she does. Being with her is a way of facing myself without actually having to face myself, you know. It's bizarre because I love her to death yet I hate myself and wish for death despite the fact that I think we have twin souls. She's like Harry Potter and I'm Voldemort - we have wands that share the same core... She's the Chosen One and is meant for greatness while I'm a monster that destroys everything that I touch. My other best friend lives in Wilderness and I haven't seen him since the end of first semester. I want to go and visit him so badly because I need to laugh and to be in a place free of the complex and chaotic happenings within my mind. I can't go because I'm working and don't yet have the money I would like to have when I'm over there with him - he thinks the business I'm in is a waste of his time too so he's not exactly happy with me using as an excuse (Before your dirty minds run wild, I'm not a prostitute... Just thought I'd clarify). He's silly and fun and exciting. When I told him I lost my phone he called me stupid. I'm annoyed but oddly comforted. He makes me feel like a horrible and dull human being - that's my way of saying that he makes me want to be a better person. I really shouldn't have best friends. I'll ruin things again and they'll leave. I shouldn't love them so madly yet I cannot find justice in loving them any less. 

I'm running in circles trying to avoid the irritating admin that comes along with dealing with my shit. Over time all I've actually gained is the knowledge that life is ought to be lived in the grey areas, you know. It goes against human nature to live life without an attempt to organize one's existence according to the concepts the society we were born into places in front of us. I used to think that I just wanted answers to my problems - a side effect of an instant gratification driven generation. Now I am more certain that the last thing I am going to find are clear cut solutions. All I really want is a sense of peace within the light and dark facets of myself. I don't want relief, I want acceptance of pain.

Sigh, okay enough rambling for now. I'll probably be back here doing this again because I'm not going to have awfully much to do until I can make a plan for a replacement phone on Monday or Tuesday. I'm most upset that the title for this post is going to be ridiculously lame... because my blogging game is just that weak at the moment.

When Can We Be Safe?

I don't often find that I have extensive difficulty falling asleep but when I do, I feel frustrated at the cause for my insomnia. Last night I lay awake, tossing and turning for the greater part of the first few hours of 5 April 2014, due to the relentless fear that was welling up inside of me. I am blessed to have all of the things that I have - the security that a home and family provides within a relatively safe environment. Yet why does that not protect me from this feeling of uncomfortable vulnerability? Why is it that I am unable to feel safe?

The cruel happenings and injustices that are constantly being reported do more than simply worry me - they anger me profusely. As a South African woman, to have to constantly live in fear is an infringement on my freedom that I cannot stand. It is horrendous to me that there are people in this country of our who are willing and motivated to strip away the freedoms of others. It as though the struggle of Apartheid came to an end only to open the floodgates an entirely new struggle of a psychological nature. Our country is poisoned and ill because of the atrocities performed by people tainted by wickedness and hatred. I often find myself asking nothing more than, "WHY?".

More often than not, the crimes we hear about on the news or read about in our newspapers are performed by the men in our country. Rape and murder are broadcast in every other headline and while it makes me sick to my stomach, it also makes me more than curious as to why the men in our country behave in the way that they do. I have always been taught that rape is not about sexual desire but rather about the acquisition of power. That leads me to question as to just what is it within our society and respective cultures that causes people to be so starved of power that they are compelled to perform acts of sheer evil upon the innocent and often helpless members of society. 

I find the answer can be found in various facets of society. We can look almost immediately to the shortcomings of our government - in failing to deliver promises for job opportunity and affordable housing among other things, the government proceeds to render South African people essentially powerless to their situations. One can't simply relegate all blame to the government but unfortunately that is what happens - people expect the government to solve all of their problems and to provide them with everything. The sense of complacency and entitlement that is all too common in this country makes me angry because we end up relinquishing our own God-given power as individuals. So while there are instances where people have little or no control over their situations, we also do little to protect and utilize personal power and initiative. All of this talk of power and what do we have to show for it? An emasculated society characterized by increasing nihilism and feelings of futility.

None of what I have just mentioned is by any means an excuse or a justification for the indecencies committed by people in this country. It is obvious that not everybody in difficult circumstances feels compelled to rape and murder others out of desperation and lust for power. However, the awareness needs to be created that we cannot stand by and wait for power to be thrust upon us because it is something that is inherent and only when unlocked from within can it truly be utilized. Don't get me wrong, the government and complacency (in short) cannot solely be blamed for the ridiculously high levels of crime in our country but it can be identified as a part of the problem that can be dealt with. With the 2014 elections coming up in just over a month's time, I urge the people in our country to choose wisely but also to not depend solely on an inevitably imperfect government to make their world a better place.

To rapists out there, I urge you to stop with all of my heart. Every time I read about an incident of rape, my blood boils and I am filled with more anger and fear than I know what to do with. I wish that more people would take a stand. Nothing will get solved with everybody just sitting around and simply being shocked and/or saddened by the news they hear and read only to change the channel or recycle their newspaper. I look at myself and my friends, the little kids I work with, my family members, passersby in the shops, etc. and I'm filled with the anxiety and worry that just about any one of us could potentially be made victims. 

I consider myself to be blessed to have a home and to live in a relatively safe environment yet if I have cause to be fearful, I can only imagine what runs through the minds of others living in conditions far less favorable than my own. I fear for my country and for the safety of the innocent. I fear that the psyche of South Africans will only further become twisted and tormented lest we take an active stand against those who threaten of supposedly inalienable human rights... otherwise, when can we be safe? 

--J.

Drowning in Fire

I wish I had an inkling as what to say. It has become increasingly difficult to find words lately - the chaos in my mind has become so tangled to the extent that it is no longer comprehensible. I just know that I am scared and sad... and holding onto hope wherever I can find it.

I haven't blogged in a while because, for the longest time, I have not felt comfortable enough to write anything to be publicly share. I haven't really had any desire to write in order to publish something to my blog... I've just been writing a lot in private in order to try and find some peace and quiet within the whirlwind of my mind. I found it to be therapeutic but only up until a certain point. Writing about what I've been feeling makes it somewhat less overwhelming but it also makes it that much more real to me. Furthermore, having your feelings and heartache laid out in front of you on a page doesn't mean that the problems you have identified will be magically solved.

It is definitely a struggle to find someone who I talk to - of course the problem also lies in that I generally don't want to talk to anyone at all yet I reluctantly admit that it would probably be best for me. I have trust issues and I generally don't talk about myself if it can be avoided. It's difficult thereafter to find someone who could stand a chance of understanding me. I'd much rather isolate myself - especially now when I feel like I'm being slowly suffocated within my own mind.

I have never quite known before what it meant to be at war with yourself - to be eaten alive from the inside out by your own demons. I feel like my life has become an antithesis or paradox within itself. My heart and my soul are on fire yet while I burn I feel drowning - choking, struggling and unable to breathe.

--J.

Green Light

I've been living my life, for the most part, as a spectator of my own existence. I don't think it's particularly normal for a 19 year old girl to feel so much guilt in not having lived when I have so much time left... But that's just it. I don't have that much time left at all or at least it would be foolish to assume that I am going to live forever. I could die at any moment yet all I can seem to be compelled to do with my life is watch and wait...

I felt inspired by The Great Gatsby and the idea of the green light. I feel like I'm perpetually waiting and wishing for someone to come - like I'm looking out into the distance and holding onto any semblance of hope that something is coming. I'm holding onto hope itself.

I feel like I am constantly living outside of myself and I am just watching everything slip away from me... only to be reminded of it in my dreams. I am constantly looking back into my past and wishing that I could have the opportunity to relive the happiness and correct the sadness. I'm stuck and I'm blinded... I'm mesmerized by my own sort of green light.

Perhaps the waiting is a good thing - maybe I am being prepared for whatever is in store for me or maybe my patience is simply just being tested... But I fear that I won't know what is reality and what is the teasing image of my deepest desires. 

I wish I was no longer waiting...

--J.

My interpretation of the green light - Watercolour & Penci; Mixed Media

Meant to be Broken

I've spent a lot of adolescent and young adult life so far being broken. I get hurt all of the time. I always assumed it was just unlucky or that I was making friends with the wrong kind of people. I've always known that my own suffering was self-inflicted - I could never solely cast blame on another person because I know a lot of the reason why I get hurt is because I have allowed myself to become hurt. While writing to God this morning (yes, I write to my God), I suddenly found myself having somewhat of a revelation - maybe this hurt is being used by God in some way... what if being broken has been the best possible thing for me?

I've always been a big believer in God using negative circumstances and situations to create something beautiful and filled with love. I believe that to the point where I can say I have complete faith that nothing evil goes unanswered by God - it may not be treated as we expect but God doesn't simply standby while we suffer. He is always working.

So for me personally, the evils in my life come with failed friendships. I'm not talking about simply drifting apart from others - I am referring to what I have always experienced as abandonment. I feel like people always leave and I've never really considered that my mistakes were usable. I thought I was just a messed up teenage girl who took life far too seriously. I thought brokenness was just an inevitably and a bi-product of my personality. I didn't see how being broken could be invaluable and how it could bring me closer to God.

It is probably not a surprise to many that I have a unique way of loving people. I am very much a giver when it comes to my friendships. I give as much as I can to people... even if they don't actually deserve it. I love too hard. I've realized that I tend to love people the way that I am supposed to love my God. I get distracted by and become absorbed in my friendships. I lose myself in people and I lose sight of God while trying to find perfect love in imperfect places. That's why I get hurt... That's why I am constantly being broken. My love is not meant for people who have the inclination to abuse it. My love belongs with God first. 

When I am broken, I am humbled. I am brought back down to a place where the only place I can look, is up... And that's when I see Him. That's when I'm reminded of God and of the fact that He has been there all along and will always be. Even in the midst of my distraction, He waits and uses the consequences of my choices to bring me back. I always choose to put my love elsewhere and to love people who can't love me back like I truly need to be. The beauty of God is that he gives us the choice to walk to him or away from Him... but in reality, He never actually leaves - it's just up to us whether we see Him or not. 

In pain, I look for healing and my God is where I find that. I am reminded of my imperfection and my poor choices. I am reminded of the love He has for me despite my sinfulness... Even though I choose not to put Him first, that doesn't alter His love for me. My favourite way of thinking about God's love is in the idea that "God is jealous for me." God isn't jealous OF me, He is jealous FOR me. He wants me to know Him and to be His... and I am.

So perhaps all of those times before, I was meant to be broken so that my eyes would be opened. Perhaps the pain was necessary to bring me to my knees and to be washed and overcome with the love and the healing that can only come from God.

--J.

The Phases of You

The problem with being home is that it reminds me far too much of you. For a while, you were the best thing about my life - you were the best thing about being here. For all too brief a moment, you were home to me.

I go through these terrible phases - either I'm able to completely forget about you and then other times I become completely depressed over the fact that we're no longer friends. I hate that I'm so hung up on this. It's probably because I'll never understand your logic in full. It can be explained to me a million times and I will not hesitate in accepting and respecting your choices but I can't pretend that I completely understand... simply because I know that I could never have done what you did if I were ever in the same type of situation. I know why you did what you did... I get it. I wish that I didn't care anymore and that I found it easy to let go. I wish that I didn't have to rely on a phase and that you just never entered my mind because I know with great certainty that you don't waste a moment on the thought of me.

I feel so stupid and pathetic. I'm still hurt over something that came about almost a year ago. I haven't spoken to you for the larger part of 2013 yet I wish that I could send you a message to find out how you're doing or to wish you Merry Christmas. I shake my head at myself for being so helplessly ridiculous. I am astounded at my inability to adjust to this. I also hate just how much it makes me look like a complete freak. That being said, I hate knowing that I could be proving you right... I could be proving everybody else right - what if I truly am just some freak that can't help but be "too intense"?

I know that I need to stop doing this - I can't keep making these crazy and emotion-laden blog posts about you. I hate that this consumes my mind at the most random of times. I wish I wanted to let this go and to let you go... Listen to me, I sound like some obsessed ex-lover when truly I am just a friend that you grew apart from. That's always been how it sounds but that's not what's going on in my head. I just adored you and I'll always love you... because that's the kind of person I am and when I love someone, there will always be a part of me that will love them even if circumstance works against that. In addition to me simply being who I am, there is the major contributing factor of you simply being who you are. I can't help that you were an amazing friend and probably continue to be an amazing person to the other people in your life. Am I really that much of a freak because I hate that I've lost a friendship that was valued above most others?

There are some things and some people who have the power to quietly consume you. Even when you carry on with life, thinking that you've managed to get over it, it sneaks up on you at the most inconvenient of times and it manages to take over your entire mind just as it had before. There are those people who's actions and memory just bleed you dry... No matter how hard you try to enjoy being alive. Even surrounded by beautiful souls who love and care about you, the quiet manipulations of one person have the power to completely isolate you from everybody trying to reach out and hold you.

I can't begin to describe the pain that comes with losing one of your best friends and watching a cherished friendship fall apart before your very eyes without being able to do anything to prevent it. The people who know me and those who follow my blog will know just how much I've had to say in this regard to the extent that it probably comes across as obsessive to most. I can't help it. I really can't rid myself of the hollowness that I experience every time I am afforded sufficient time to become aware, once again, of the friendship I have lost. I can't help but speak about it to avoid from going insane. It's enough that I have managed to remain relatively far from a state of depression within the last year despite the effect that the series of events has had on me. I hate being that person - that nag and that girl full of nonsense... but that is what this situation has brought about in me. It has managed to reduce me to an irrational mess - a side of me that I have become increasingly sickened and ashamed of. Thankfully, I've refined my acting to a point where I successfully fool myself for brief periods. However, the fact that you're gone is never too far away from my awareness.

Every time I think of you, all I can see is blood. If I allow myself enough time to dwell on the thought of you, my world turns dark and my body goes numb. My mind is sent reeling with the abundance of mistakes I made and the possibilities of everything that I could have done differently to have avoided this current reality. I have tried a million times to try and figure out why I feel so strongly about this and I have tried to no avail to convince myself that I need to let go and move on. I wish you no longer had any power and that there was nothing tying me to you. I wish I knew what to do... I've tried to do nothing and to just live my life day by day and to hope that my desire to be your friend like I once was slowly dwindles until there's no feeling left within me. It doesn't work - or at least it hasn't up until this point. 

I'm an idiot. I'm sitting here and laughing at myself right now. I really am incredibly stupid. I've done so many nonsensical things that make me wonder whether I'm worthy of having a brain. I look back now and shake my head at the way I handled things - not only with you but with every other relational screw-up I've had in the past. You were right to rid yourself of me. I think perhaps what hurts though is the fact that you were the only person to ever promise not to hurt and leave me. That just goes to show just how messed up I must be or must have been to be able to drive even you away - just crazy, right? I was terrible and probably was a freak. I'd be lying if I said I didn't know it would turn out this way. I told you that you'd eventually run and you'd think the same things as everyone else. I know how much of an idiot I am - don't think I'm unaware of the crap that I put people through... 

I didn't want this to happen and although I dreaded it profusely, it was something that was as inevitable for us as death is to mortals. I predicted it in multiple letters I wrote to you that failed to ever be sent. It goes something like this:

"It hurts that for the majority of the time, I love you in vain... Or so it seems.

You're on cloud nine since you've gotten your new girlfriend. She seems nice enough and you speak very highly of her but then again why wouldn't you. Regardless though, I've never really liked her. I don't mean it offensively but it's normal for everybody to just not always get along with certain people who rub them the wrong way. She doesn't have to do anything to annoy me, she just does. I'm sorry because I'm supposedly your best friend which obliges me to a bit more supportive in this kind of situation but I can't possibly be. It's not like my opinion matters enough to faze or stir you in any case...

I can sense that the skeptics who are tentatively reading this are probably thinking the question, "Does she have feelings for him?". Before you proceed to analyse my saying this, I merely thought it appropriate to cover this topic seeing as I have already been badgered with the same question(s). I don't have feelings for you and I will probably never have to worry about that because the truth is, I know you too well... And you know me way too well.

I miss you. I miss you more so now because of the amount of time you're spending with your new muse. I'm not saying I'm jealous or that I wish you wouldn't spend so much time with her... I just want you to know that I miss you - I'm not asking you to do anything about that.

I suppose the benefit of missing you is that when I see you, I am so amazingly happy and every moment is good because I'm with someone that I love and care about a lot. Having limited time with someone forces you to cut out the crap and any petty stupidity... Wasting time on negativity would be senseless.

It really should go without saying that I love you... I just enjoy saying it though because I really do love and care about you... Sometimes I wish there was a way that I could prove that to you for absolute certain. I never feel like I've done enough for you... I actually generally feel as though you deserve so much more than I actually give you.

I spoke quite a bit to your girlfriend today. I'm trying, you see? I'm not completely convinced yet but I'm going to put in the effort because I love you and for some reason, you love her. I don't quite like the fact that she assumes that she knows me just because she knows you and you tell her stuff about me or whatever... It's not like she can claim to know me by dictating my personality to me just because she comes into contact with me through indirect association.

Sigh, anyway... I really miss hearing your voice... I would honestly use up all my airtime just to hear you for a bit... It's been almost a week buddy... i.e. too too long.

Now that we're technically no longer going to school... Things are going to change."

All that I feared at the time of writing those notes came into fruition. My nightmares somehow came to life and ran rampant over all that I held dear. Even when I was the happiest I had ever been, I was unaware of the slippery slope that I was on the verge of crashing down. I wrote a poem about the happiness that came with being your friend... not long after, that happiness evaporated into thin air - as though I had jinxed myself in the cruelest of ways. I guess I wrote this too soon: 

"Happiness - Jillian Lawrence

I thought
Darkness
Was my only friend.
I thought
Death
Would become
My only vice.
I thought sadness,
I thought pain
Would bring me closer...
Closer to you.
Closer to your heart.
It only showed you my 
Face...
You turned away 
At the sight of my scars
My blood haunted
The tips of your fingers...
Because you decided
For some unknown but
Not unwelcome
Reason...
To love me.
To love the girl
You could finally see...
And the girl, 
Deep down,
You wish I'd be.
You picked me up
You dried my tears
You held me
You listened...
I fell for your friendship.
I wanted what
I hated...
The thing I thought 
I'd never have -
Happiness.
Because now there was 
Openness
And you knew
Of my brokenness. 
You touched my soul
With a devilish grin
With a laughter 
That made the earth 
Shake.
I thought you'd made
A dire mistake...
That your choice
To love me
Was not at all
Planned.
That you didn't mean 
To see the
Butterfly scar in my hand.
But you're here
And it scares me 
Because I love you 
Too much -
Too much like a single mother
Loves her only child.
It hurts to think
You'll be smart 
And take me back
To where you found me...
The cold, empty
Darkness -
My only surrounding.
But you love me.
I hope it's enough
Because others 
Still love me
But are no longer here
I've poisoned their minds
And racked them with fear.
So they stand from a distance
They watch from afar...
Because they can't be near
What I've become 
Or what I became
Before you decided 
To stay.
Please...
Don't ever go away
because I'm only just getting
Used to...
Only just starting 
To love...
Because I've only just begun
To want...
Happiness."

I was in denial for as long as I could possibly have been - that's something I have always done. I drag things out in my mind and I hate to let go because I can't bear to admit that I'm broken and that I've been hurt and tossed aside yet again. Even after you a terrible phone call where you were not at all sober and callously told me that everybody, especially your girlfriend, thinks that I am a freak and that I am too intense, I refused to fully give up on you. I fought back tears brought about by a concoction of hurt and anger and I told you I'd call you in the morning - not knowing that the next time I would speak to you, you would proceed to rip my heart out. The poem I wrote in response to your "you're a freak" speech is evidence of a massive emotional breakdown into words. I addressed almost every insecurity that I had bottled up inside of me and channeled my anger and emotional distress. I voiced the stark loneliness that you had cast upon me that I experienced as the malicious voices inside of my head.

"Hey you
Girl over there
The one alone in the corner
With the curly brown hair
Get out
You're freaking me out
Get out
Get out
Get out
You freak everybody out
You do nothing but stare
You sit there in silence
You watch and you stare
You're weird
When you open your mouth
You're weird
The words you let out -
It's too much
Go back to being nothing
You're too weird
Too much
Please shut up
And get the fuck out
Because you're freaking me out.
Hey you,
Why are you still here?
Hey you
You're too much, my dear
I fear...
You freak everybody out
So you've got to get out
Get lost
Get gone
We can't wait until you're gone
Because you're a creep
You're a weirdo...
You're the girl
Sitting over there
The one with
The curly brown hair
The hair that doesn't 
Match her face
But nothing matches your face
That disgrace
Your nose is too big
Your lips are too dry
Your eyes look so sleepy
You're even more ugly 
When you cry
You're the furthest thing
From beautiful
Depression oh so clinical
Ugly on the outside
Ugly within
You're too intense
I don't know how to begin
How to describe
The demon that is alive
Inside of you
Everyone's scared of you
No matter what you do
Hey you...
Get out, get out
I'll say it nicely once more
Before I start to shout.
Get out...
You freak everybody out."

So you see, I didn't ever want you to go but you did... And my naïve dependency on my friendship with you caused a devastation within me that I have not yet conquered or moved past. That being said, I know that I'm not what you need in your life right now and I've been aware of that from the very moment you told you were fine without me and that you wanted me to move on with my life. I wrote a poem about that too - it seems there was one for every stage. Even in realizing that my life and yours had reached what has proven to be a final divide, it didn't exactly help me in simply letting go... But I suppose that will take a lifetime.

"NEED - Jillian Lawrence

I miss what I need.
It's not greed...
I'm just pleading -
Begging you to love me
Like you used to...
Because I'm no good
Without you.
You're the only good in me.
You taught me to see...
Infinite beauty and magic
Oh, this is tragic
Now that you're gone.
You're carrying on...
And I'm left in the dust,
Watching you go - 
I do what I must...
I'll let you go.
I hope you know
Just how much I love you
Yet there's nothing else I can do...
Because I'm not what you need."

The phase that followed an all too brief acceptance of an ended friendship was one of pitiful regret and remorse. I can't say that this was my favourite space... This was where I mentally begged that you would change your mind and that all the things you said would become null and void. Yes, there's another poem marking my emotional instability as this point as well... I speak of you as though you died because that's kind of what it felt like at the time. I was a mess and this poem consists of the broken pieces of me that were held together by a weak and frail physical body that wanted nothing more but to get you to change your mind. This is a poem where I used my words as my own chains and cemented my insanity:

"Come Back To Me - Jillian Lawrence

I thought I was dead
But I'm hanging on by
A thread.
Here we go again
Morbid the misery...
There are ashes in my eyes
There is dust on the ground -
Markers of the place 
Where you uttered your
Dying sound.
You were everything to me
Now you're gone...
Totally gone from me.
I can hear your breathing
Heavy against my chest...
You told me you were leaving
I wasn't ready for you to go yet.
Open your eyes. Please.
Come back to me,
Tell me it's okay
And that I won't be lonely...
Breather yourself back to life
I know death may seem so comfortable
But I'm so miserable
I just want to hold your hand 
Again.
I want to hold you for a moment
And then...
Go with you into the night,
Into the dark, into the death.
You'll forget me here
I won't remember anything else,
I fear...
So don't go now...
I'm begging your heart
To beat again somehow...
Because I can't make it without you,
I don't want to.
Can I bring you back to life?
My chest is pulling tight,
As the tears fall from my face
To yours...
Wake up.
Sleep will wait for you,
But reality runs away...
And mine will cease to be at all
Unless you choose to stay...
Can we find another way?
Because it's not time to say goodbye
I don't want to cry
Please, can't you try...
Come back to the world that 
You left behind.
I can't let you go,
It hurts too much to know
That you won't be here tomorrow.
Turn back the time
Rewind, rewind, rewind.
So I can keep you in my mind,
So I can keep you in my heart...
We'll never be apart.
I can only hope.
I try and I try.
Don't ask why,
But I'm no good at goodbyes."

I know how I sound and how my actions were viewed... People think that I am obsessively in love with you. I know it's very hard to believe that I'm not and that I never was in love with you. I wish you would take my word for it but unfortunately, all the evidence points to something else. I'm not everybody else, I don't love like them. You should know by now that I've never been one to do things by the book... I do things differently. I love differently. I love with a burning passion. That is something I would be foolish to be at all ashamed of. I can't help but love my friends more than I should and therefore I cannot help but look like a freak for being so starkly different in that regard. I loved you then and I love you now but I have never and will never be in love with you. Stop believing the lies that everyone else seems to telling you and listen to me. I know how I feel and I nothing that anyone else says will alter my own conviction.

"I couldn't love you
If I tried.
Not if they held
Me down
Until I cried.
Your girl - 
She's crazy.
She thinks that I'm evil,
I'm not.
She's just insecure as fuck...
Just like me.
So when you tell me things 
Like:
'We can't be so intense'
'I can't be your boyfriend'
I get confused.
I hate myself.
I would never love 
You like that.
I've never loved 
Anyone
Like that, in fact.
How dare you...
How dare she...
What have I done
To make you both
Blame me.
Hardly a word we spoke
Yet now I'm
The Most Wanted
Charged for being
A homewrecker, a whore
I'm waiting for you 
To tell me more.
Tell me my crime
Convict me
I'll do my time...
But innocent 
Until proven
Guilty.
Otherwise, 
Don't blame me
Don't judge me...
Because she thinks
I want you
I don't want you.
I love you.
But not like that,
Not like she thinks.
I'm not some 
Wayward, seductive minx.
So you see,
Get it into your mind...
I could never be
In love with you - 
Not even if I tried."

I've given up on ever being given the chance to make it up to you - there's nothing I could do to reverse what I've done and what has happened. I've apologized to you a million times on paper but I fear that I will never have the chance to do so to your face. I'm not sure I deserve the privilege of your forgiveness. Perhaps that is what I have needed to come to terms with. This empty and aching feeling is the consequence for ruining something that was truly wonderful. Maybe the internal burning is just punishment for going about this all wrong. It is completely possible that I am not meant to forget - my burden to bear is the memory of a cherished friendship woven into the reality of a bridge that has been so badly burnt that I cannot even see you on the other side in the distant. 

I'm going back to Stellenbosch in a week's time and I'll be going back to a different life... to a different home - a place where no one knows who you are and nothing reminds me of you. Hopefully I won't find myself thinking of you when that song comes on the radio - the one you begged me to listen to. Hopefully I won't come across that drawing I did that you said you really liked. Hopefully I won't see one of your girlfriend's tweets talking about how amazing you are. Hopefully I won't feel like I need you in my life any more.

Hopefully this will be the last time I write a post like this about you...

--J.