There are always those people - those very special people... The ones we somehow never truly forget or let go of. There are those people in everybody's lives - sometimes it is just one person - that changes your life forever and influence every move you make in regards to relationships and feelings. There are always those Epic Loves.
Epic loves can be problematic... They're all-consuming. They involve emotion that defies all logic and reason. If you think you have experienced love, imagine it at its most imposing and impressive state - epic. Epic loves tend to have a somewhat dark, unhealthy, even obsessive quality about them - Romeo and Juliet committed suicide at the idea of life without the other. It is a love that ravages and envelopes the heart. It cannot be forgotten, it cannot be snuffed out... instead, it reverberates through the core of one's very being because, at one point, it was all of who we were.
You remember every minuscule and sometimes seemingly insignificant detail - they play over and over in your mind... Every decision you make from the moment you're consumed by an Epic Love is influenced by it. It changes you... not only the love part of the process but more often than not the pain part of it all. An Epic Love has the power to change all of who you are - it can build you up and make you stronger or it can crush and break you. Everything can change in just one burst of light... just as all can change when one is plunged into the night.
Needless to say, I haven't quite found my Romeo, my Chuck Bass or my Damon Salvatore... but somehow I have found ways to be epic all on my own. Even in complete loneliness, I have managed to experience what I like to call Epic Unrequited Love. I have loved unhealthily, obsessively and with a soul that is all-consumed... yet without reciprocation. When it comes to unrequited love, I am an Éponine (Les Miserables reference!)... But that's just little impatient me.
To love silently is a real skill... it takes practice. In other words, it takes many failed attempts and leaps of faith that have fallen short to know just what not to say; to know what to hide when you feel what you shouldn't.
My epic loves have changed me in many ways... having met them - having fallen in love with them is just that much harder in that it is so deeply woven into the very fabric of my being - all that I've become as a result. Epic loves are loved from the soul instead of the heart... There are few things truer.
They are the people you could never hate - no matter how much you may want to. Epic loves cannot be despised. They set and become the standards that all future loves are measured against until something of equal or greater measure comes along to consume you. Once experienced, nothing else and nothing short of epic will ever be good enough.
--J.
Yes, it's me again... Writing yet another blog post about love and feelings. It's so heavily consuming - every part of me beckoning for what it yearns for most... Love.
For a while now, there has been only one guy on my mind. This one guy has held me heart completely and fully even without his knowledge or the slightest desire to. I've thought of no one else... Loved no one else.
I wonder if it's actually him I am so enthralled and consumed by. Is it him... or rather the idea of him - the idea of this wonderful, magical man in my mind. Is it just my idea of my ideal guy projected onto his identity? Are the feelings I have for him even real or is it just all one giant, unlived, unspoken fantasy?
If, for whatever reason, I am forced to or am able to rip my attachment from him... will I come to like or love another or will I simply project and build upon the same, old fantasy? Is anything of what I thought I've felt real? Will I learn to forget that I adore you?
It's so frustrating... this realm of emotions that I am so consistently in contact with. I can't understand why God has put this desire in me to love and be loved so persistently. There are times when I wish that I didn't want to love people. I wish it were not possible for me to love, to think, to feel. It causes so many stupid problems because I am such a stupid little girl.
This fantasy in my mind - he's perfectly lovely. Perhaps he's not real at all. Perhaps he's nothing but a concoction of epic crushes and the movie-type love that I crave.
Perhaps this anxiety and frustration in regard to this matter, has come about as a result of just being fed up of getting nothing out of liking you. I just feel stressed and scared all the time because I don't know if I should tell you how I feel... I can't handle rejection from you and I love our friendship - how selfish would it be of me to make things weird? Maybe I've finally reached a point where I'm tired of you just living in my thoughts and in my dreams and since I know we will never be together in reality, I am unconsciously giving up.
Is this what letting go feels like... This despair and absolute exhaustion of the heart...
Is it all just a fantasy? Will I ever be loved?
--J.
