No One, Exactly.

I've gotten to a point where I don't care any more. I think it's sad but then again I don't exactly care that I don't care. It's somewhat of a vicious cycle.

I don't care that someone who claims that I'm one of their closest friends, hasn't made an effort to talk to me or see me in a about month. I'll admit that it hurts a lot and that it makes me really upset but when it comes to caring about it? I just don't. I've stopped trying with him because that never seems to get me anywhere so I've become familiar with doing nothing and with being nothing to him any more. He must not need me any more. I can't cry about it and I won't try to fix because what's the point? 

I don't care about my body and what's healthy for me. I can eat myself into a coma on one day and then eat near to nothing for a week. I don't care that anorexia is an eating disorder and that it's not the best way to go about losing weight... I don't care what I put my body through. I don't care about the pain that I inflict on myself... It has become all too natural for me. Scars used to mark the times when I was deeply hurt or sad... Now? They mark boredom and restlessness... and an immense sense of frustration.

I don't care that I'm lonely or perpetually sad. I don't even notice it any more because I've somehow managed to let my life live itself and carry on mindlessly. I don't care that I don't believe in love for myself any more. I don't care that I despise what I used to want the most - a relationship. Now, I don't want to get married, I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to fall into the trap of giving most, if not all, of me to someone else. I don't care if people that love makes you happier. It can also break you. I'm a coward. I don't take risks. Besides, who would want me? No one, exactly. 

I care about people. Don't misunderstand. I just don't care about my life any more. At this moment. I'm hoping that it's a phase and that I'll grow up and out of it soon.

I hate that I don't recognise how much I've let myself slip by not caring. I hate my body, I hate who I've become... and the things I've done as a result of not fearing consequence. I hate that I'm not who I was a year and a half ago. I hate that I've become so negative and in a sense, existential. I hate my emotions... We used to be so in sync with one another and now we're just not on the same page.

I hate that I've wasted your time.

--J.

To Rule & To Ruin

I'm afraid that the time has come for me to be perfectly and brutally honest with you.No matter hard I try or no matter how much you claim to care... I will never be good for you. 

I'm miserable, emotional and depressed beyond your reach. You can't change me. I can't and won't change for you even though I love you more than life itself. It's not possible for me to relinquish my personality. I am my own poison. The sooner I die of my own toxicity, the better your life will be for the lack of me in it.

I look for your attention... in all the wrong ways. People look at me - at people like me and ask "Why do they do the things they do?"... Most of what I do is a cry for attention. When I'm 'happy' people don't care. People think you're fine and that you don't need their attention so they leave you to your own devices and turn back to their own happy lives while pouring their attention to that 'special someone'. People think that when I'm 'happy'or in a good mental space that I don't need any attention so they don't give it to me. Then I do something stupid or slip back into depression... and suddenly everybody comes running. Everybody suddenly wants me to be okay again. Everybody wants to try to fix me. 

What's saddening is that the majority of my idiocy is for attention while there actually are genuine moments where I need help or I'm sad for a reason other than I feel neglected. Nobody will ever believe that because I'm a typical "Cry Wolf" case. My attention-seeking is what drives people away. It gets to be too much... understandably so. But I can't stop... And I can't run from myself.

You've asked me to stop so many times and I keep on messing up on countless occasions. Many people have tried before you and have failed up until this point. I'm never going to stop. I have a problem, an addiction of sorts. It's something that is both ruling and ruining my life. I can't expect you or anyone else, for that matter, to change that... And you can't expect that I'll change because you asked me to. 

I love you. I love you more than you'll ever be able understand. An upside to being obscenely emotional, is that you have the ability to love harder and deeper. Now believe me when I say that I love you. I hate that I hurt you and I hate that I push you to the edge of leaving. I hate myself for what I've done to you as a result of what I've done to myself. 

I can't promise that I'll get better and I can't promise that I'll stop. My mind works in a way that you will never understand... I will never understand it either but I have come to accept it. I don't want to hurt you further by making promises that I know I'll ultimately end up breaking. I don't want you to think that by breaking a promise that I never should've made, that I love you any less. Please know that broken promises weren't intended with malice but rather a testament to the fact that I'm not ready or able to change.

When it gets to be too much - even past the point of masochism... When it gets to a realm of darkened and twisted thoughts ending only in death - you are my saving grace. Part of the reason why I'm alive is because of you... because I could never be able to say goodbye to someone like you. I'll never die by my own hands because you make me fear goodbyes and because God has made me fear death. 

In summary, I suppose I'll never be the friend that you deserve. I'll never not be a masochistic coward of note. I will never stop being an attention-deprived complainer with abandonment issues. I'll never be able to keep the promises that will put your mind at ease. I'll never change. 

I will never say goodbye. I will never stop caring. I will never stop trying. 

I will never stop loving you. 

--J.