I Wish, I Dare. But Who Could Ever.

I wish I could lean into that moment... and become one with it. I wish to never part from it. That moment where- we were perfect.


The touch, the electricity. The gravity your eyes stacked upon me. Your intoxicating raucous laughter. I miss every inch of your body and soul. You make me smile like a child when my world surrounds me with darkness. There are those moments where I zone out completely from the pessimism of a precarious society and merely fall back upon the memories of You and Me when love was in my favour.


I'm afraid you're never coming back. Well, I'm almost certain of that fact but I wish it was something I didn't have to come to terms with. You've pushed and pushed until, finally, I've fallen under the pressure of simply not being good enough... yet again. When I first handed you my heart, I begged with my mind to believe the best about you instead of assuming the worst. I still believe the best. Beliefs, however, are as fickle as theories and are infinitely similar.I may be wrong about you. I may have completely misunderstood your soul. 


I probably blinded myself to believing that you had any kind of weakness whatsoever. That is, I believe, my mistake. I hold you up to the light and see a distortion of what would normally be darkness. I view you as perfect when you most certainly are not. I make it impossible for you, or anyone else, to live up to my ridiculous expectations. That's why I get hurt all the time. That's why nothing lasts when it's good. My pain is self-inflicted because of my self-pity and expectation of perfection. I am all who I wish to avoid in someone else.


I apologise. I apologise for my unintentional insensitivity to your unintentional human nature. I apologise for believing what may have been false. I apologise for thinking you were capable of  trying to hurt someone else for your own convenience. 


Even without you here, I draw closer and closer to whatever memories I can clutch to. I force my imagination to re-enact all that I treasured within you. You see, I think I love you... or I'm well on my way to becoming so. I want to be with you. It honestly does hurt when you don't feel the same way. I think that I'm absurd for not being able to pick a someone who could, eternally, love me forever.


I miss you and you hurt me, you're hurting me. I would appreciate it if you stopped right about now. Take control and dare to love someone as foolish, bashful, emotional, passionate and twisted as me. I dare you to kiss me without caring whose watching... and to show up out of no where and melt me with that look you always give me. I dare you.


But then again, who could ever love someone- something... like me.


--J

Being Unstoppable

Often we feel overwhelmed and stuck in the busyness of our lives. We’re stuck in a rut and can’t find a way out. God doesn’t want us to be stuck. He wants us to be unstoppable. We need to be unstoppable in our quest to do God’s work.

To get out of a spiritual rut, we need momentum. We need unstoppable momentum.

Acts 5:38-39

New International Version (NIV)

³⁸ Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. ³⁹ But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”

We are unstoppable when we do the work of God. People can hurt us and judge us but they cannot prevent God’s will. Everything we do, if God is in it, cannot be stopped if we have faith in God.

Philippians 3:13-14

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

We cannot let our pasts withhold us from our future nor can we let our mistakes keep us from realizing God’s love and forgiveness. We have been called to serve God and we have been afforded the opportunity of an eternity filled with love and free of pain through Jesus Christ. We need to have our eyes set on the finish line. ‘’Begin with the end in mind”.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. We need to have what is called “the tortoise and the hare mentality”. It is so easy to become overwhelmed but when we take a step back and look at what we are working towards, we once again become motivated. If you take your time with God in mind, you will reach the finish line.

What are we working towards? We are working towards multiple things. Our purposes in life have the same underlying theme but are ultimately dependent on the individual. We work towards serving God using the talents and skills He’s given us. We work toward bringing others to Him. (The only thing we can take to heaven with us when we die is another soul) We work towards becoming unstoppable disciples, eager to LIVE in the word of God.

Ephesians 3:20

New International Version (NIV)

 ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,

Now, THIS is what I love about God. He has the infinite ability to do whatever He wishes- yet He chooses not to force us. He doesn’t force us to believe in Him but He will always believe in us. He doesn’t force His will through you but He WORKS within you, should you ALLOW him to. Our God IS UNSTOPPABLE yet He doesn’t force us to be like Him or what He wants us to be… He gives us the CHOICE to be.

To be unstoppable we need a criteria, we need a formula. Do we not?

We need:

FOCUS- Know what you are working towards or trying to achieve.

PASSION- If we are not passionate about what we are doing for Christ as Christians then how can we expect others to be excited or passionate about the salvation through Jesus?

TIME- Perhaps the hardest thing to relinquish, is our time. We are a busy people. We always have something to do. We have school, homework, sport, cultural activities, family and friend obligations, etc. We need to give God time as well. We need to spend time with Him and ask Him questions. Ask Him what we are supposed to be doing. Ask Him why we are where are. Ask Him to work within us. We need to give Him time. We also cannot expect a quick fix to all of life’s problems. We need to be patient and to trust God’s timing.

Focus, passion and time; when all encompassed by God will give us UNSTOPPABLE MOMENTUM

(FOCUS + PASSION + TIME) x GOD = UNSTOPPABLE MOMENTUM

What gets in the way of unstoppable momentum? They’re called lions because in the Bible, the Devil is described as a lion that is ready to take down his prey.

We need to kill the lions of:

1.      Fear (This keeps us from doing the will of God. We’re afraid of losing control and trusting God- this unseen entity- with everything- and it’s paralysing to think of.)

2.      Discouragement (We can easily become discouraged by those who judge and mock us for doing God’s will. That is, however, a burden we must bare for the sake of God’s Kingdom.

3.       Doubt (We all, at some time, doubt God and His abilities. We all question what is unknown, unfamiliar or unanswered. God, however, is not simple enough to ever fully comprehend and He WON’T fit in a box designed by the small minds of mankind)

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God always has our best interest at heart. He is all-knowing and we need to have faith in Him and in His plans for our lives. It’s difficult but it is possible to have faith even in the hardest of times. God will come through for us. We may not understand Him or His plans, but God will NEVER fail you.

Come to God with what you have and put yourself and your life into His hands.

No Longer Pretending

There are, sometimes, those roles or days when you can no longer act. You cannot help but let yourself slip through the cracks of your public persona. There are those times when everyone sees you when you're raw and torn up... Those times when you can no longer pretend.


I think by now everybody, or at least most people, know that when someone says they're 'fine' or that they're 'just tired'... They mean their life has been turned upside down and they're burning on the inside but are too ashamed to let someone or anyone in.


Sometimes being happy becomes too much to ask of one's self. That's okay right? Because showing how you feel is still being who you are right? Just a different and less frequently shown side of you...


Insecurities reside in everyone. We all let tears fall when someone is watching... whether we know it or not. It's a factor of humanity.


Sometimes you just can't act any more. 


--J.

What's Next

So school has started and is prevailing relentlessly. This is my excuse for not having blogged recently. 


My brain is once again in an inspired state... which is always a welcomed frame of mind. This time I am even more excited because its not a photo shoot... It's something far more personal and tender.


I am hoping to do a series of exposés on various people in my life. I am beginning with my glorious friend Jaimey Jeniker. She is one of my best friends. I want the world to see her a bit more for all the beauty and talent she is. I intend to enter a realm of depth that reveals part of one's self that would otherwise remain undisturbed.


I can't wait because I want this to be big. I want epic proportions. I want the accepted conditions of beauty to be pushed to the limit, stretched and ultimately up to the individual and not a superficial society.


--J.

No Negatives

There are few people who never disappoint you. Those people who are so infinitely precious yet we easily take them for granted while we're trying to change the most hopeless cases of people.


I'm lucky enough to have one of those people in my life. She's an amazing person and friend. She is always there for me and continues to support and cherish me like I do her. If it weren't for her I would not be quite the person I am today. She brings out the best in me. 


I often feel guilty about talking to her about problems that I have with my other friends. She is a wonderful person to talk to about absolutely everything but I cannot help but want to withhold any negativity from her. I always regret telling her my problems because I hate the negativity that I have to re-visit and, more importantly, the negativity I expose her to.


So from now on I'm not going to impart my negative circumstances or issues on anyone. I will at least try not to. I can't do that to someone I love so dearly and who actually loves me in return.


Sacrifice and change will be necessary.


--J.

If Not, More.

If I knew that by instinct instead of choice, I would not be able to look at you... I would never let you win that argument.


I hate feeling like I'm about to cry every time I look at you. I don't even feel as though I'm allowed to. I hate that you think that I understand why you did what you did. I don't understand. I've been forced to accept it as a reality but that doesn't mean I know why you feel so strongly about removing me from your life.


I'm honestly and truly hurt. Especially by the fact that none of this was explained to me or even told to me face to face. I am clueless when it comes to your reasoning. What did I do to you? Clearly you have not isolated yourself from the rest of the world. It's just me. You've just blocked me. I don't know what I did to make you feel the need to build a wall against me.


The thing is... that this is driving me insane. I probably sound extremely selfish. But this is my blog, I suppose. Sigh. I love you okay? I don't know if you'll ever bother reading this. But I effing love you and even though you may no longer love me in return... I will never stop loving you. No matter what you do.


I told you once upon a time that you were my heart. You still are. I still love you to the same degree as I did then... If not, more.


--J.

Want & Need

Mind over matter. It is a very real thing. Our minds are intricate and may often be deceiving. A lot of the things we believe to be true about ourselves may only ever be true within the realms of our minds.


Apparently I need therapy. It's not because I naturally have a twisted mind but merely because I think and believe that I do, thereby causing me to act and think in a certain way in which I think I am upholding my personality even though, in all likelihood, I may be acting as far from myself as humanly possible.


Do I want to admit that I need help? Of course not. Who wants to be recognised as having a weakness? Who wants to become victim to the possibility of not being mentally sound? No one. My stubbornness prevents me from wanting to want help. Remember, of course, that wanting something and needing something are two completely different ideas entirely. However, as a very wise person once told me, the more the similar we make them, the healthier we eventually become.


I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the point to which I've come to where I am in need of professional therapy instead of merely seeking counsel with close friends. It's not easy realising that I may have to actually ask my parents to assist to send me to a therapist. Imagine what they may think of the daughter they have raised for the last 17 years. I can hardly imagine that they'll be proud. There are ways in which I can avoid involving them in the process (i.e. a part-time job... which I currently have to free time for). I don't know if it would be at all wise to exclude them from any aspect of my life. I have done that with a majority of my social life and the choices pertaining to that and  I cannot isolate myself from parents... especially in an area that can so widely affect me.


I don't know how to cope with the fact that I'm not right in my head. I have always been somewhat different and I often detoured from the worn path. I have never thought of myself as being someone so stuck in my own little world that I can no longer see what anyone else does. I wish that I could have prevented this whole thing... I wish also that my mental stability was not as shaky as it is now.


I'm psychotic and twisted. Only time will tell if I learn to want help as well as I need it.


--J.

I Am Heartless

If I close my eyes for a while, I see her and then I see him. They are in no way truly related to each other. Except that they both know me. They don't really cross through each others minds but they are always on mine.

She was my best friend. She doesn't love me any more. She doesn't want me any more. I thought she always would be there... Even if she wasn't there FOR ME- I thought she would just at least be there. She is the most beautifully different person I know. Although I don't always agree with her life choices, I can't help but love her wholly and fully. She's my baby. I just want to help her. She doesn't want me to help her though. I don't have a choice in the matter. I love her so I have to let her go. I have to let her grow. I have to let her find herself even if I can no longer be one of those people who she confides in and turns to. I love her and I miss her already, even though my removal from her life has been rather recent. It was the first day of school of the year today. I saw her. Our eyes met for a split second because I couldn't bare any time longer than that. I could feel my heart sitting in my throat and my mind raced as I forced myself to keep my tears back. That has become increasingly hard lately. She was my heart. She still is my heart. But now she's gone... and I am heartless. 

He is the guy I continue to fall far. He is too far from me. He's in Namibia. That feels like he's halfway around the world from me. There's nothing official about us. He's my friend. We enjoy each other's company. He makes me happy. He makes me act really giddy and shy. He makes me smile whenever I think of him. He makes me blush. When people talk about him, I can't get rid of the sheepish grin on my face. I wish he was home already. Perhaps then, I could be truly happy. Perhaps then I would be able to find my heart again.

But until then... I am heartless.

--J.

Far Gone - by Jillian Lawrence

You let me go
You made me leave
You disappeared
Before I could grieve


I'm overwhelmed with it all 
All my thoughts of you
All that's left are memories
There's nothing more I can do


I can't fight you. I can't make you love me.


I'm so far gone
So far gone
Stranded with no hope
Of ever finding you


I'm drifting away
I can't find reason
So far gone
I'm so far gone


My mind left my body
Long ago
Now all that's left
Is my broken soul


I'm wondering through time
All alone
My world has stumbled
Into a black hole


I wish I could change your mind. I wish you could see me.



I'm so far gone
So far gone
Without a hope
Of ever reaching you


We drifted apart
Without a reason 
So far gone
I'm so far gone


I wonder if you'll look back
And pity me
Remember that foolish girl
That was lost so easily



Too many tears
Many a sleepless night
The dagger ran deeper
The further you ran from my sight


And I don't want to remind myself that you don't love me. So to save me... 


I'll be... So far gone
So far gone
I'll only cry 
When I sing this song


I've already forgiven
I'll try to forget
So far gone
I'll be... So far gone.


So far gone
So far gone
I say goodbye
As I end this song


You took my heart
When you left... me
So far gone
So far gone


I can't fight with you. I can't make you love me. Don't worry.


I'm far gone.

Don't Be Lost Like Me

This weekend, I found myself soul searching. I found my voice with God. I asked Him why He was letting people hurt me. I asked Him questions that I'm still not sure of the answer to. I asked while trying not to blame anyone else for where I am today.


I'm lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I truly want to become. I want to act. I want to help people. I want to get away from South Africa for a while. I want to stay at home. I want to have a boyfriend. I don't want to go against my parents boundaries.


I'm slowly losing all hope of finding any true and sustainable source of happiness. My past experiences have taught me not to believe that anything lasts forever. I can't trust any more because when I do, I'm always getting hurt. I'm tired of drifting through life with a heavy heart, sleepless nights and a poor self image.


I have some great friends. I also have those who are not so great. I love them all. However, my love for them does not prevent them from hurting me. So I can't find the right balance. I don't where to distribute my trust and my love. Strangely, sometimes they don't go to the same places or people. I'm stupid when it comes to falling for people. I love to easily and far too much.


How will reading this benefit you? I can't be too sure to be completely honest. Don't love too much for fear of losing all of yourself to one entity. Be careful who you trust with your heart. Be careful who influences you to make the choices that determine where you'll end up in life. Trust God... or if you don't believe in such things then at least have a hope that life will get better if you are a bit better everything time you try. 


Don't end up lost like me. It hurts too much when your heart is rejected and you end up alone and confused, wondering why you deserved such pain. No one wants to cry without even realising it. No one wants to be in a pain that they can't do anything about except wait. No one wants to be stuck.


Don't be lost like me. 


--J.

Eulogy by Jillian Lawrence

_______________________
Stop screwing me Over.


When I watched you walk by
I watched in slow motion
You dragged my attention
Like a wave from the ocean


Our eyes never met
As much as I willed them to
I've resigned, defeated
I failed to reach you


Why, oh, why must it hurt so much this way...


I wish and I dream
Just of happier times
Of the blissful days
When I thought you were mine


I'm dying inside
Take the time to read my eulogy
As they set me to rest 
Please stop screwing me
Over.


I've cried too much
Over what I don't know
I still don't why
You've chosen to go


As long as you're happy
I'll remain with some peace
But I'm afraid that my joy
Has joined the deceased


I miss you more than you could ever know or believe...


I wish and I dream
Just of happier times
Of the blissful days
When I called you mine



I'm dying inside
Take the time to read my eulogy
As they set me to rest 
Please stop screwing me
Over.


Could one really die from a heartbreak 
Could you really have hurt me that way
Are you worth the blood and the tears
Since you decided to no longer stay


Am I crazy for thinking you loved me
I really don't like this game
Can't we go back to past
When what we saw in each other was the same


I cry out and I beg 
For those happier times
For those blissful days
When I called you mine


I've died inside
I hope you read my eulogy
Once I'm at rest
Will you stop screwing me
Over.


I HOPE AND I PRAY
FOR HAPPIER TIMES
AND WHEN ALL HAS PASSED
THAT WE BOTH WILL BE FINE 


I AM DEAD
FIXATE UPON MY EULOGY
UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME...


Stop screwing me Over.
I'm already Over.
______________________

Dinner Party

Tonight I had the pleasure of seeing and entertaining some of the most insane and beautiful people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. It was a crazy, eventful night that I am glad to have experienced.


I found myself slightly flustered by the quick preparation that I had to pull off and the bitterness and momentary anger shown by my mother when I mentioned that the size of my dinner party had increased from six people to nine. Thankfully everything was ready in time and the food was great.


I was reminded of just how fortunate I am to have a loving and forgiving mother, a gracious and simply amazing best friend, countless blessings in the form of truly great friends, tons of laughs and moments in which love is shared among people.


Some of the evening was spent in irritation at one of my dear friends. His form of humour just so happens to be that of an irritating nature. He means well though. He doesn't understand that I love him. I truly do. Even though sometimes I can hardly stand him. He's an amazing friend- in all honesty. I thank God every day for him. I have made it my goal to not take him for granted.


We spent the night with great conversation, countless crazy antics which included a fight between the boys concerning a hard ball of crumpled tin foil, the Lion King and some other disturbing movie that I am thankful for not seeing the end of and  very full stomachs.


I love my friends. 


--J

Lovesick

You've been gone for some time now. I suppose I was expected to forget all about you because we weren't anything serious. Not a day goes by when I don't think about you, love you, hate you and miss you.


When people talk about you, I want to cry. Not because it makes me sad to hear about you... but because I know I'm still falling for you. You don't say much to me nor do you show a mutual feeling of attraction for me. You're not even here yet I'm still a slave to all that you are to me.


I find myself smiling at the strangest of times when I think about the times that we kissed. I recall every word and every detail... every emotion. I suddenly come back to reality and I'm sad again at the realisation that I may never truly feel that way again. 


I miss you. The unique way you did everything. Nothing about you, to me, could be classed as ordinary. You are absolutely nothing like me. We think on completely separate wavelengths. You are logical, scientific and analytical while I, on the other hand, am emotional, creative and easily accepting. I want to be an actress and involve myself in everything surrounding performing arts. You want to be an actuary and use your intelligence to get you far in life. You're cautious with where you put your emotions while I almost immediately handed my heart and my body to you on a platter. 


People have advised against maintaining contact with you. The thing is that, although it sounds cliché, I have never felt like this about anyone before. I have never been so lovesick in my life. I have been heartbroken and hurt many a time but this different. You haven't broken my heart but rather you will it to love harder than ever before. You didn't hurt me, you made me lovesick. Lovesick to a point where all I want is for things to melt back to what they were from the moment I next see you.


I'm not in love with you just yet. I'm still not entirely sure what that would mean at my age. I know that I love you though. I honestly love you as a person. Romance could be added or removed but regardless of its position, I still love you.


And I miss you. I miss your green eyes. I miss how I couldn't look at you in the eyes for too long for fear of becoming completely spellbound. I miss being wanted by someone. I miss being enjoyed. I miss you entirely.


Come home already.





--J.

Tweede Nuwe Jaar

I went to town today. I watched the Cape Minstrels (The Coons or the Klopse, as they are more commonly known) march, in their respective troops, through the CBD. 


I stood on Wale Street, about a block from Bo-Kaap. I could see the beginnings of the famous colourfully-painted brick houses. I stood with my aunty and older cousin among the other thousands of people lining the streets to watch the procession take place. In my opinion, this would be an equivalent to the Macy's Parade in the U.S. except maybe not as extravagant. The tradition is as strong though, if not then stronger.


The 2nd of January, back around the time of the salves at the Cape, was the only day that slaves were given to themselves. They, in turn, celebrated the new year with their own ways. It truly is amazing to watch the passion, commitment and pride that each different troop has.


I was taking photos of the troops as they passed and a very cute and curious little boy, who was stand on the road barrier with all the other small children, watched me intensely. I offered to let him take a photo himself but he shyly refused. After gaining some courage and, I'm guessing, a greater desire to have the novelty of taking a photo he graciously accepted my second offer to take a photo of the troops passing by. One photo turned into well over 20, most of which being pictures of the tar or the sky, or his finger over the lens. Some were skew, almost upside down and others were blurred and hard to make out. I found it utterly adorable, his fascination and zeal for which he attempted to copy everything which I had done with my camera. I never let him hold it alone just out of safety concerns for my camera should he drop it or never give it back.


I love my city and all it's people. For we are strange and just so different. It's brilliant. I love our culture. I love our vibe. We are defined, proud and colourful.


Patriotic.


--J.

Our Own Poison

Is it not amazing how all our lives we live but to complicate one's own quest for happiness. Humanity demands that drama be employed as best to make our lives more 'interesting' for to be merely happy all of the time would be too far from the comforts that our society has groomed us for. Hence, our natural gravitation toward reality television programmes that encourage the idea that life is not so without an element of conflict at every turn.


The unfortunate fact of the matter is that we can hardly make any change to the necessity of complexities without considerable effort from an individual. It is only achieved when an active process is put into place within one's mind as to become part of the thought process one make use of. What makes this increasingly difficult is the fact that when one is twisting one's reality in order to bring about tension of some kind, we do it subconsciously. We cannot identify our actions urgently enough for them to be changed or rectified... or thought about further to a degree. All things, or most things, sound rational and tactful at the time of thought and we therefore act upon those thoughts, whether it be out of research or impulse, thinking that the consequences of which will result in the bettering of our lives.


Our choices lead us, often, to overly toxic and negative outcomes. Strangely, those outcomes become even more challenging to return from than to merely face. I suppose a cruelty of this world is what one calls RETROSPECT. We can always see the fault in our actions and our thought when we look back from where we have been thrust as consequence to said thoughts and actions. We suddenly see the other choices we could have considered that were not present in our minds at the time when the decision was of any relevance. We become angry at ourselves for not seeing what in the future becomes so desperately clear.


The most immediate thing one can decide upon doing is learning from the mistakes that were made. One cannot expect a different result should they be fixed upon executing the same process by which they failed before. Surround yourself with positivity and don't allow yourself to become negative in the presence of meanly stacked odds. My greatest caution would be against those who accuse you of pessimism whereby that is what you become. Be happy  regardless of the self-accusations of ill-informed halfwits who, quite honestly, probably don't care about you as much as you would like to think. Not only will your life be that much more pleasant, but one would receive the satisfaction of proving that person wrong. 


It is an idea that I would rather not dwell upon too long for risk of acute depression. We ruin our own lives more often than other people ruin ours. We are responsible for many of the hardships we end up facing merely because we allowed ourselves to feel certain ways, be affected by certain things and act upon certain supposedly sound ideas.


In this new year, I hope that within thought you and I can prevent all the complications one could definitely live without while also not craving the drama that so easily ensues as the result of wishful thinking. 


Happy New Year Teacups!


--J.