I wish I had an inkling as what to say. It has become increasingly difficult to find words lately - the chaos in my mind has become so tangled to the extent that it is no longer comprehensible. I just know that I am scared and sad... and holding onto hope wherever I can find it.
I haven't blogged in a while because, for the longest time, I have not felt comfortable enough to write anything to be publicly share. I haven't really had any desire to write in order to publish something to my blog... I've just been writing a lot in private in order to try and find some peace and quiet within the whirlwind of my mind. I found it to be therapeutic but only up until a certain point. Writing about what I've been feeling makes it somewhat less overwhelming but it also makes it that much more real to me. Furthermore, having your feelings and heartache laid out in front of you on a page doesn't mean that the problems you have identified will be magically solved.
It is definitely a struggle to find someone who I talk to - of course the problem also lies in that I generally don't want to talk to anyone at all yet I reluctantly admit that it would probably be best for me. I have trust issues and I generally don't talk about myself if it can be avoided. It's difficult thereafter to find someone who could stand a chance of understanding me. I'd much rather isolate myself - especially now when I feel like I'm being slowly suffocated within my own mind.
I have never quite known before what it meant to be at war with yourself - to be eaten alive from the inside out by your own demons. I feel like my life has become an antithesis or paradox within itself. My heart and my soul are on fire yet while I burn I feel drowning - choking, struggling and unable to breathe.
--J.
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