Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy

I hope you find some sort of comfort in the fact that I blog far less frequently nowadays out of consideration of what you have told me in regards to the content of the majority of my posts. You were right, of course, to say that the nature of my writing depicts my life as something that it is definitely not. I am a very blessed child to the point that some would look at me and call me spoilt. My blogging often reflects a very different picture - one of constant sadness and a tortured mind and soul. 

The truth is that a person is consistent of many parts. I have chosen to mainly express the parts of myself that I generally cannot speak about to my family and friends in person through the means of various blogging platforms. There is something impersonal yet still intimate about sharing your life online. You don't know who will read what you write or what they really think unless explicitly expressed. All I see are the number of page views I get. I am hardly a good enough blogger to warrant the comments of others nor is the content I generally discuss that which stirs others to say anything back to me. It just feels comforting to know that I can say what I otherwise feel that I cannot.I do recognize, however, that what I say here most of the time is deeply unfair to the people who love me. I admit that I have created a somewhat skewed perception of my life and for that I apologize with all sincerity. 

That being said, I would like you to know that I am struggling. Despite my blessings, I am finding life very difficult at the moment... and I have been for quite some time. I feel ashamed for even saying that because I do not really understand why I could possibly be so filled with anguish and pain when I have so much to be joyful about and so much to be thankful for. It drives me crazy to think what I put you through on the basis of the fact that you and Mommy love me more than I could ever begin to comprehend. I feel guilty and stuck in a sea of terrible habits that I have only just begun to sift through.

I am lost. I thought that I could go about life being informed by that which everybody else wants. I am lost because I have no true sense of who I am. I cannot separate myself and my own needs from what others expect from me and of me. I am trying to determine whether those should have be separated all of the time. I am trying so hard to find my feet in a world that is, I feel, spinning just a little too quickly for me. I know my mother has a go-to answer and that is to trust in God and to find myself in relation to the Lord. She's right. However, it is a far greater feat than I have ever imagined. The world is so critical and so vast and I am still trying to get a sense of what I actually believe and to what degree my faith needs strengthening. I feel so ill-equipped in the face of daily temptations, pressures and expectations. I feel weak. I know I am weak. I don't think there is anything else that I pray for more than strength.

I am scared. I fear failure and the looming dark cloud of my own inadequacy. I fear that I will never be able to feel as though I have made you and Mommy proud even though you have told me that you are on countless occasions. I fear that I will never be a good enough sister to my siblings because I focus so often on what they are better at than me and I find myself belittling my abilities and achievements according to what they have achieved or are able to do better than I. I am scared that I will never be good enough for someone - I fear rejection and I fear loneliness. It eats away at me everyday to think of the possibility that I will never find love and be able to experience the magic and the splendor of marriage that you and Mommy have been an example of to me. It scares me to think that I have set standards that are too high and that I will have to settle. I am scared of the idea of submission and feel deeply threatened by the idea of being dominated. I am already a doormat to most and I cannot do it anymore... especially not in a long-term, committed, intimate relationship. I fear that it will kill me to be in the shadows any longer. I feel as though I am burning in the dark, screaming violently among a crowd of the deaf. I am scared that I will end up doing something that makes me miserable... and that is what motivates to do something different.

I am mostly apologetic for the fact that I have given you so much unnecessary grief but there's a part of me that is glad for having never been close to perfect. At least I have the joy of making your life interesting through my strangeness. I have always managed to make a mess of things - even now I find that this post has become a lot about the sadness of my life and I just want you to know that that is not what I am trying to get at. I want you to be able to understand what is going on in my life, in my head and in my heart. In the midst of the problems that are largely of my own creation, please know that I am grateful. I am thankful; I recognize that I am divinely favored where others are not. I have an on-going education, I have a home, I have safety, I have loving friends and family, I don't have a war being waged above my head or on my doorstep, I have access to an abundance of opportunities that the majority of this world cannot even fathom. I know that everything that I have is thanks to you and thanks to my mother... and thanks to the merciful, gracious God that gave it to you in the first place. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed.

While I am hurting and I am sad, I ask for your prayer and your support. I ask for patience and I ask for guidance - not that you do not provide or offer those things readily and more than willingly. I do not want to be stuck in the dark corners of my life only to ignore the abundance of light handed to me with no strings attached. I need your advice and your hugs and your affirmation of me now more than ever. I need to find what it is within me that prevents from letting myself feel the love that I have been immersed in all of my life. "The fruit is right in front of you... You have only to taste it."

I am sorry that it is taking so long. I am sorry that it is not something I have found to be easy to do. I am sorry that I have been unfair and self-destructive to a point where it has caused me to become so self-absorbed.

I have chosen to do this blog post as an attempt to prove that not everything I write has to employ a tortured undercurrent. How could I ever write to or about my Daddy without an overwhelming sense of love, peace, gratitude, respect and admiration?

I love you. I truly love you.

- Agony blogger

  Number Three

  Your baby girl

  

  Jillian

Meant to be Broken

I've spent a lot of adolescent and young adult life so far being broken. I get hurt all of the time. I always assumed it was just unlucky or that I was making friends with the wrong kind of people. I've always known that my own suffering was self-inflicted - I could never solely cast blame on another person because I know a lot of the reason why I get hurt is because I have allowed myself to become hurt. While writing to God this morning (yes, I write to my God), I suddenly found myself having somewhat of a revelation - maybe this hurt is being used by God in some way... what if being broken has been the best possible thing for me?

I've always been a big believer in God using negative circumstances and situations to create something beautiful and filled with love. I believe that to the point where I can say I have complete faith that nothing evil goes unanswered by God - it may not be treated as we expect but God doesn't simply standby while we suffer. He is always working.

So for me personally, the evils in my life come with failed friendships. I'm not talking about simply drifting apart from others - I am referring to what I have always experienced as abandonment. I feel like people always leave and I've never really considered that my mistakes were usable. I thought I was just a messed up teenage girl who took life far too seriously. I thought brokenness was just an inevitably and a bi-product of my personality. I didn't see how being broken could be invaluable and how it could bring me closer to God.

It is probably not a surprise to many that I have a unique way of loving people. I am very much a giver when it comes to my friendships. I give as much as I can to people... even if they don't actually deserve it. I love too hard. I've realized that I tend to love people the way that I am supposed to love my God. I get distracted by and become absorbed in my friendships. I lose myself in people and I lose sight of God while trying to find perfect love in imperfect places. That's why I get hurt... That's why I am constantly being broken. My love is not meant for people who have the inclination to abuse it. My love belongs with God first. 

When I am broken, I am humbled. I am brought back down to a place where the only place I can look, is up... And that's when I see Him. That's when I'm reminded of God and of the fact that He has been there all along and will always be. Even in the midst of my distraction, He waits and uses the consequences of my choices to bring me back. I always choose to put my love elsewhere and to love people who can't love me back like I truly need to be. The beauty of God is that he gives us the choice to walk to him or away from Him... but in reality, He never actually leaves - it's just up to us whether we see Him or not. 

In pain, I look for healing and my God is where I find that. I am reminded of my imperfection and my poor choices. I am reminded of the love He has for me despite my sinfulness... Even though I choose not to put Him first, that doesn't alter His love for me. My favourite way of thinking about God's love is in the idea that "God is jealous for me." God isn't jealous OF me, He is jealous FOR me. He wants me to know Him and to be His... and I am.

So perhaps all of those times before, I was meant to be broken so that my eyes would be opened. Perhaps the pain was necessary to bring me to my knees and to be washed and overcome with the love and the healing that can only come from God.

--J.

The Definition of an Escape

I think someone should video and/or interview me when I am painting or when I'm drawing. I sit and I listen to my own mind as everything that I've kept in suddenly pours out... Every emotion, thought and memory seems to run to my fingertips in an attempt to spill over some imaginary threshold in order to find it's way to the page acting as my canvas. This is the definition of an escape.

I have a lengthy track record of being inappropriate... and perhaps not in the way that people are usually inappropriate. My emotions never fit convention and often they're overwhelming to a burning degree of intensity - I can't help that I feel far too much. I can't help that my head and my heart are intertwined in never-ending fist fights and that they can never agree on anything. I bet the majority of people who know anything about me would be surprised at the amount of emotion and thought I actually end up suppressing. I don't even realist it until I have a quiet moment to myself because when everything is supposed to be at its most peaceful, that's when I hear the screaming at maximum volume. In the extreme silence, I am plagued by the noise that resides within me. That's why I need something to let it out without freaking everybody out with my mental insanity. That's why there is such a thing as a vice, an escape, a coping mechanism. I have many and have tried even more.

Being the psychopath that I have been labelled as, it is no surprise that I have experimented with vices that are not considered to be healthy. I tried the whole alcohol thing - it thankfully didn't work out for me... Sometimes I enjoyed the numbness but I hated the sense of not being within a solid reality... I wanted to find something that helped me within a sober reality so that I would be okay 'here', you know? I don't want to stay 'there' where alcohol can take you. I want to be conscious of my happiness and more importantly I want my happiness to come from my physical life and relationships and not from the haze used as a means to block them out. 

I tried cutting and that worked for a little while until it became an addiction and essentially more the problem than the solution. It was a means for getting attention, releasing what I thought to be unbearable pain and trying to convince myself that I deserved the punishment and self-mutilation... I hated myself - every cut was a hit, every scar was a bruise. My tears coincided with drawing blood. It felt like bleeding the little that I did was a way to let my life slowly seep from me so that it wouldn't be so harshly and heavily thrust upon me. With cutting the numbness came within sobriety so it did for me what alcohol could never do. The addiction meant that it became a tired act and its effectiveness was no longer in existence. It grew from being a vice for emotional pain to a regular occurrence on nights where I couldn't sleep or at times where I had managed to get a look at the eye-sore that was my body before I got into the shower. It was my form of self-punishment for every shred of mediocrity and futility that I felt resided within me. I wished to strip away the ugliness one scar after the other. I was so blinded by the somewhat enjoyable sting that came with my masochistic tendencies that I didn't see the horror in my best friend's eyes when he begged me to stop. I fed the fear for my life that built in the mind's of some of my friends. I couldn't remove myself from the mess long enough to see just how blood-crazy I had become. I didn't even recognize just how much it had contributed to my unhappiness instead of helping to end it. I was stuck in a vicious cycle that was characterized by hatred, suicidal thoughts, selfishness and cowardice. My addiction slowed and I entered what I view as a recovery period after I had hurt and lost too many of my friends to my insanity to remain in the cycle with comfort. I relapsed on occasion but I never re-entered the consistency of self-harm that I had experienced for so long. In fact, what has (up until this point) gotten me to stop cutting was not therapy or a positive support network... It was the callousness of someone who cared very little about me and knew me as well Thamsanqa Jantjie knows sign language (if this comparison is lost on you then just know that she had no true knowledge of me - she had an idea but knew nothing of substance). My roommate in my first year of university reacted to my cutting in a way that I had never before experienced. I was used to the reactions of my friends - the worry, the desire to get me to stop for my own sake, the care, the attention, the love. She reacted as though I was an escaped resident of a mental asylum who would, at any moment, cut myself and anybody else without warning. She made me feel like a bloodthirsty serial killer. She worried after her own safety instead of the safety the person that my cutting was most effecting - me. I was taken aback by her reaction and for a while I couldn't understand her selfishness... Until I recognized my own. I realized through that experience that I had hurt and scarred so many other people that I had not intended to. I saw the ugliness behind it and for the first time I understood it. It came to my comprehension that I couldn't be that person any more - despite the temptation of a blissfully numb experience within an all too vibrant and demanding reality, despite the relief that came with losing myself... Although I was originally hurt by the insensitivity of my old roommate, I really can't thank her enough for delivering the final blow that knocked me backed into whatever normality and sanity I could still cling to.

My realizations never took away any of the pain and it certainly did nothing to lessen the noise that crashed around in my mind like waves against a cliff face. I was just left with the dilemma of having no vice and the challenge of finding one that was not considered to be psychologically and physically unhealthy. I have always been a creative person, I have always enjoyed writing and painting and drawing. Even throughout my experimentation and addiction phases, I had my blog and I always wrote and drew. I never made an intentional effort to make use of them as vices. I was stupid in that I dreadfully underestimated the effects of creative channeling. I soon found it in everything - acting, writing, painting, drawing, singing, making videos, playing games with kids, listening to music etc. When I did the things that I had always done but while viewing them as vices or escapes, they became that. 

The noise never truly subsides but I don't view that as a negative anymore. When I use creativity as a channel for everything that is going on within my mind, I find that the fruits thereof tend to be so much more amazing. I look at my work with a greater sense of pride because it feels like something that is a physical and tangible part of me. My escape has now not only caused me to be that much happier as a person but it causes me to produce work that is so much more substantial and meaningful. I feel like I've found my purpose - to create... To create that which only emotion can render. 

That's why I feel that when I paint, draw, write, etc. someone should really be writing down the abundance of thoughts that run to escape the confines of my mind. While the vast majority of them are pretty average and run of the mill kind of thoughts... Some tend to be slightly above that line of mediocrity. Some of the things that go on in my head make me laugh, some make me cry - some make me proud and other thoughts are cause for concern. Some thoughts make me think more others make me want to close my eyes and never think ever again. Some thoughts are holy and inspired while others come from a depth of hell that I didn't even know I was in. The spectrum varies from one end to the other and back again... Nothing is normal but yet everything that I think is understandably a typically "Jillian-thought". My mind surprises and shocks me, bores me and occasionally brings me to my knees at the verge of life and death. 

As scary as it tends to be, I wouldn't trade my mind for anyone else's. I wouldn't want anyone else's peace of mind - I'm madly in love with the chaos that resides within me and the ability for creativity that it affords me. I've embraced the abnormality and insanity and I don't expect nor require the acceptance or understanding of anyone else to be able to appreciate who I am. I consider myself to be terribly lucky to be able to think in the way that I do - it enables me to be compassionate, to be obscenely and sincerely generous and to be genuinely empathetic. I am grateful for my mental hardships as well as the moments of clarity that I occasionally experience because both have shaped me... 

Both have made me who I am - blissfully, wonderfully, happily and willingly insane to a point where I have become my own escape.

--J.

Full-On Love

Take me by the hand

Take me by surprise.

Sneak up behind me,

Grab me by the waist - 

Just to give me a taste

Of what adoration

Feels like.

It should feel right

When you hold me tight

Like I'm all you want

And all you need.

Buy me flowers

For no reason

Just because no one

Has ever done that for me

Before.

Show me just a little bit more

Of your heart.
Tell me that I'm beautiful
Tell me that I'm magical...
Even though I'm average,
Even though you
Could do so much better.
Never let me go,
Make sure that I know
Why you chose me
Over everybody 
Else...
Even though 
It'll never make sense
To me.
Make me dance in the rain
Let's be cliche' 
And insane...
But only when you know
That I haven't
Just done my hair.
Show me that 
You care.
Even when I can be
Unbearable...
Tell me I'm unforgettable.
Whisper all the stupid things
That make me roll my eyes
Because I've been trying to pretend
That I don't want those
Warm, fuzzy feelings -
Those head-reeling,
Heart-leaping,
Too-good-to-be-true feelings.

Kiss me on the forehead

On my chin,

Then on my cheeks

North

South 

West
East.

And repeat...

Until we're dizzy

Until we're spinning - 

Until we're in love.

Because I can't wait

To know what that feels like,

To BE what that looks like.

Don't use the 'L' word -

Keep me in suspense

Make me tense

And stressed with the desire 

To please you.

Expect my best,

Accept my worst...
Quench my thirst
For a full-on love.

I Tried To Write You A Letter...

I started writing you this letter, you see. I probably shouldn't have because I don't know if it will ever truly be finished. I just have too much to say about you and to you. I started writing you a letter full of feelings and sweet nothings until I realised that we're so much more than just all of that - YOU are so much more than all of that.

I've mentioned that I love you in practically every line because there is nothing that will make me feel as though I've said it enough times. Every stroke upon each page is dark with the conviction that I have in my pure adoration and surrender to you. I tried writing a letter that would do you justice but I can't do that because nothing would ever be good enough... Just as I will never be good enough to deserve you.

I wrote you a letter and lost count of how many pages piled up beside me as I attempted to put into words what I was feeling in my heart and in my head. I feel as though there are not enough words or rather, there are no words that can capture the essence of who you are. The jumbled mess within my spirit that encompasses what I feel for you has never truly been put into words that I can confidently say reflect you. Every time I open my mouth or attempt to decipher my mind, all that comes out is "I love you."

I wrote a letter for you even though I know you'll never read all of it because you'll get bored or run out of hours in the day. I wrote you a letter so that, quite selfishly, I would feel better in having tried to somehow describe or quantify the beauty of your soul, the strength in your existence, the shivers I get at your gentle touch, the intelligence you so often try to downplay... I wrote a letter to you because I feel it's the only thing I could do that would fool me into thinking that I've begun to understand you.

It is highly probable that what I have attempted to write makes little to no sense at all. My letter to you is probably filled with mindless repetition and awful clichés perhaps from being to distracted by the thought of you to actually write anything down that would facilitate comprehension. In fact, perhaps it would be best if you didn't read my mindless ramblings and pathetic confessions.

I tried writing you a letter - or rather, I wrote you a letter but I'll never be satisfied enough with it to declare it to be complete nor worth the read. All that it has taught me is that sometimes words are not enough and the only adequacy one can find in the description of true and epic love is the moments in which that love grows. It can't be about what I say or what I write, it'll have to be in what I do. I will never be able to write you a letter that'll fully assure you of my affections for you but I can try every day to make it all the more clearer as a lifetime gently passes me by. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you see that your love is my lifeblood and that your complete beauty is the joy that I delight in every day. It won't be in my words any more - My love for you has surpassed my mere, meagre, mortal words... My love for you dances in my eyes and beats fiercely within my chest for you make me who I am.

I love you.

--J.

P.S. Even though my words will never be enough and despite my inadequacy, I'll never cease to write of all the wonders of your existence to the best of my ability...

Embracing the Uncomfortable

I think it is safe to say that I have never been so wholly uncomfortable in my entire life. Emotionally, mentally, socially and physically - I am in an indefinite stage of unease. The strange thing is that I'm kind of okay with not being within my comfort zone and I now have reason to believe that this is where I need to be right now in my life's journey and the apparent lack of comfort ought to be welcomed and embraced.

I was sitting in church yesterday morning after having volunteered in the children's ministry in the first session. My body was sore (it still is sore actually) as a result of my daily exercise routine - which has recently become intensified - and I couldn't help but inwardly express the thought, "I feel so uncomfortable right now." My church's head pastor walked onto stage after the worship session (which made my legs stiffen up because of having to stand in essentially the same position) and he began speaking about giving. Now, this is a usual precursor in my church before the offering is taken up so I naturally didn't think it necessary to pay any more attention to it than I usually would've. That being said, as soon as he asked the question, "Is there anyone who feels uncomfortable?", I knew God was speaking. He began speaking about how one should be thankful and embrace being uncomfortable because it is in those times of life that God works within us best and grows us for His cause. So I think I'm in that growth phase. I thank God for answering me even when I didn't ask to be answered - He is so great.

Okay, so don't get me wrong now... Physical or muscular pain is not my only source of uncomfort - it just happens to be a contributor. I've been feeling emotionally alienated for an extremely extensive period - in fact, I can probably pin point the beginning of this alienation to the start of this year. My emotional unease is not conventionally a bad thing - in fact, normal people would consider me practically insane for feeling uncomfortable with my current emotional state. You see, the the thing is that I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm content, I feel loved... yet I don't know what to do with myself as a result. Prior to university, the last two years of my life had been so incredibly dark and depressing... and numbing to a point where I got used to it and  began to expect nothing else for myself except pain and perpetual unhappiness. I thought I was doomed to a life of sadness and quietly suffocating despair. The change of this year and the incredible people I have met have forced me to shed the negativity that I had been carrying around for years. I'm surrounded by positivity and love to a point where I don't know how to react any more. I can't act in the same way as I used to, my relationships are bound to change as well as a result. As much as I am thankful for the phenomenal change in my life, I cannot help but be afraid of everything that has become so different. I can't help but fear that which I know absolutely nothing about as of yet. I am open to learn and I know I will have to but it's a daunting task - it requires me to rewire my own mind and my heart that have been so haunted and heavy for so long. I fear more than anything that, ultimately, I won't be able to manage, accomplish or sustain this change and that I'll simply relapse into what I have so long known to be comfortable and normal. It's scary to think just how easy to would be to go back to where I'm most comfortable and where I learnt how to do life - that dark place. Therefore, I pray and I beg and I plead to remain uncomfortable.

When I say mentally uncomfortably, I mean in terms of my academics. I have recently been very internally conflicted in regards to the work I'm doing at varsity. I don't know if I'm working hard enough. In fact, I know I could work harder but then there's the dilemma of motivation. I work hard but if I spent less time blogging, social networking, spending time with friends and family etc. one can assume that I would do better academically. Where does one draw the line between work and play? I've always been the type of person who expects a lot from themselves. I can't help but have high standards and therefore I also can't help being extremely disappointed to the point of devastation when I somehow don't achieve my personal goals. I can't stand failure - I despise it. I fear feeling stupid and inferior even in the event of having worked hard at something. I hate the feeling of not being good enough. So right now, I'm in this state of unease at university where I am just under a lot of self-inflicted pressure to achieve and to do well. I am praying that this will be more of means of motivation than a source of  unnecessary anxiety or depression.

Socially, I don't quite feel on par with everybody else around me. I'm reaching the stage of life now where I'm supposed to be investing time in looking for a long-standing, intimate relationship. I just really couldn't care less at the moment. In fact, the prospect of a relationship puts me off to a surprising degree. I don't know whether it's because I'm subconsciously a coward or consumed with the fear of rejection. I just know that I don't want what the people around me seem to want. I know that shouldn't define me and that I don't have to want to be in a relationship but due to the circumstance and the expectations others have for their lives, I feel slightly out of place and once again subject to alienation of some kind. It is no means to say that I feel uncomfortable in that I don't want to be around people who feel differently to me - it's more of a personal struggle that I am pursuing. For the longest time, I've wanted to be in a relationship and I've wanted that personal attention from a significant other and now all of a sudden I've done a complete 180 where I cringe at the idea of a relationship. I feel so strange but I'm taking it as it comes rather than trying to analyse anything too severely. Perhaps this is a time of preparation. So for now I shall be patient and see what God has in store in this regard.

I don't mind being uncomfortable if it means that I will be better off for being this way. God has a plan that I am unaware of and have no hopes of ever grasping so I shall trust in Him to shape me for the purpose of His glory. For now, I shall embrace the uncomfortable.

--J.

Clean Break

Nobody ever

Taught me how to let go

They always just

Assumed

That I would know...

But I don't 

And I can't

Because it's hard.

It weighs heavy

On my soul

In my mind

In my heart

I'm no longer a part

Of your life any more.

You walked out

Of some imaginary

Door.

I'm still lying on the floor,

Hoping you'll come

Back.

Hoping things will get back

On track.

But they won't...

So now I need a clean break

I need to cut myself off

From the things 

And the people

Who made me feel like 

I'm a mistake.

I'm so weak

Because I spent my strength

On people

Who didn't need it.

People who didn't mean it

When they said they cared,

When they said they loved

Me.

I need a clean break

From the 'friends'

Who didn't keep in touch

From those who thought

I was getting to be

'Too much'.

I need to get away

From those who ran away

I need to stop thinking

They'll change their minds

One day.

I need a clean break

From the users

And, most importantly, from the verbal

Abusers.

The people who disguise

Themselves

As those who

'Will never hurt you'

But they're the ones

Who made me hate myself;

Beat myself

Up...

On the inside and the outside.

The ones who led me to believe

That suicide

Was a good idea.

I would've looked past 

My fear

Of dying...

Just to give up trying

To please everyone,

Just to get rid of everything,

All the pain;

To prevent it from happening again - 

To let go for good.

For a while

I thought no one would mind

If I would. 

If I said goodbye for once

And for all...

One final fall.

Turns out

There are more people who

Love me 

Than hate me,

More who cherish me

Than despise me...

More who want me 

To Live

Than those who want me

To Die.

And for them I'll make 

A clean break

For them, I'll keep on

Smiling.

For them, I'll keep on

Living,

Loving,

Laughing...

For them,

I will be all that I can be

And so much more.

For them, 

Not only will I fly...

I will soar

Because THEY 

Are my clean break -

The people who taught me

That I'm not a mistake,

The people who showed me

My love is a gift

And not merely a handout

The people who brought me

Back to God

Who I no longer doubt.

The Devil broke me,

But God remade me...

He changed me.

So I am better for 

Being broken.

Because into me, 

His Word was spoken.

And now I'm made new...

Ready to forgive you,

Ready to forgive all who 

Have hurt me

And to forget 

And to be free 

Of painful memory...

Only to remember 

Grace

And a lesson

In its place.

--J.

A Letter To Roslyn

Dear Ma

Yes, it's me... Jillian. I'm your granddaughter. No, I'm not Michelle. I know it confuses you sometimes because I'm taller than her now and you remember us as little kids. I'm in my first year of varsity at Stellenbosch University... I'm no longer in school any more. You ask me almost every time that you see me - I'm studying BA Humanities and I know you're proud of me because you tell me every time you get the chance to. Thank you Ma.

That man that you're sitting next to on the couch, he's Pa Clive. He's not some strange man. No, Paul didn't bring you here... Pa did. I know you don't like Pa sometimes because he wronged you once upon a time - sometimes the dark times are all you can remember about him. He takes care of you now. You live in a really nice complex and you like it there. I know sometimes you want to go back to your house in District Six... But I'm sorry Ma - it's not there any more.

Your mother passed away a while ago... so you can't go and visit her, Ma. You've been asking a lot about Aunty Libby lately... but she's been with Jesus since 2009. You've always asked about her the most. Uncle Joey, Uncle Stan & Aunty Mary have passed on too... I've never heard you ask about them, I don't think. I suppose it's because you and Aunty Libby were so close. I remember how much time you spent together - particularly the time leading up to her passing. I know you miss her so much and it confuses you terribly when you don't remember that she's no longer with us. Sometimes I think that maybe you wouldn't have gotten Alzheimer's if she was still around... but it's not fair for me to just assume that. I wish she was still here too.

I wish I could take away all of your frustration and all of the confusion. I wish there was a cure. I feel like one day you'll just snap and you won't remember a thing - I'm scared you won't remember me and the rest of your family. It's incredibly scary... I can't do anything but pray and ask God for strength - for you, for our family, for me. Your mind started to slip so suddenly... It's strange to think that this time last year, it wasn't like this. 

I don't care how many times I have to tell you how old I am or remind you which one of the men in the room is your son, Michael... I love you, Ma. I will love you for as long as eternity allows. You are an inspiration to me - you taught me kindness but also how to be sharp. Alzheimer's may steal your memory but nothing can take away from your incredible sense of wit. Nothing could ever make you look weak in my eyes. 

I'm so incredibly proud to be your granddaughter and I love you... If there was anything that I wish you could remember forever, it'd be that.

--J.

Have A Nice Life

Am I supposed to be able to forgive you and move on with my life? How can I forgive you or not remain somewhat angered by the fact that you caused me so much pain? I'm trying to forgive you because it is the right thing to do and because I can't live with this burden of hatred... but you've made it so difficult to even consider forgiveness.

I don't like blaming people - I really don't. I also don't think it's practical or mature to blame others or to hold grudges. That's why I'm tripping so much about being so angry at the two of you. I don't want to be angry at anyone because life is too short and I want to be happy... I just don't know how to forgive or to get over this.

To the person who claimed to be my friend - why? What happened to your ability to make your own decisions? And for the lack of a better question... Why don't you just grow a pair? I understand and respect that you prioritise and consider your girlfriend highly but why did I have to suffer so much as a result. I know that boundaries were necessary and you know that I didn't do anything to disrespect your relationships. I stand by the claim that I didn't do anything inappropriate or wrong... despite the treatment or reactions that I received. I know you love her and I'm glad you do because you're happy... I'm sad that you chose her over me so abruptly and so completely - I'm hurt that all of a sudden, our friendship dissipated into nothingness.

Do you remember your birthday last year, friend? Do you remember what I did for you, what I said and more importantly, what you said? You told me that I was your best friend. You held my hands, looked me dead in the eye and you told me that over and above everyone else, I was your best friend. Nothing else has ever sounded truer to me than that. One year later, almost to the day, and we're so far apart in our friendship that we've practically become strangers. Now you resent me and you're ashamed of me and of being my friend. At one point you told me you had a 'soft spot'for me. Well, what the hell happened to it then? When did you stop caring all of a sudden? I wish I knew what it was that I did because then you know I'd try to make amends for it.

I always knew you would hurt me. I expected and predicted that you would. I remember telling you that I couldn't feel anything and that I couldn't and didn't feel love from other people and that I didn't have the capacity to love others at that particular time in my life. You tried so hard to make me believe that you loved me and I remember how hurt you said you were and how hurt you looked when I said I didn't feel anything. Long story short... it was that situation that lead to your name ending up etched into my skin. I wanted to prove to myself that I loved you... and I did. I still do. I have the damn scars to remind me everyday that you tried to believe me that you loved me... And now you hate me and you've pushed me away. So I sit and stare at these stupid scars that remind me that you're just like everyone else. I let my guard down for you because I wanted to love you like a true friend should. My guard was way down and then you left... then you just became another haunting, emotionless face - a shadow of the friend I once had.

I'm kind of worn out after saying all of that. I don't think you'll understand just how hard it was for me to put all of that into words... because what I have been repressing for months is now suddenly so real to me. I feel the pain and the rejection somewhat even more now than I did before... It has hollowed me out. I don't want to trust anyone any more because of what has happened with you. I can't let anyone have that much control over me and over my happiness. I don't want to let anyone in because I'm not going to risk getting hurt - getting crushed - again. I've always known it but I've never been able to admit it nor do I want to admit it... I've always known that you never really cared about me.

When I started writing this I thought I would be addressing two people. I've written to the person who I thought was my friend... and then there's his girlfriend. I don't even want to say anything to her, about her or about the way she's affected me. I'm too tired... I'm so tired. Perhaps I should've written this when the rage was still coursing through me.  Now I'm just so done and just so far gone. I don't want to think about it any more because it hurts like hell and being angry is exhausting. So I wish I could say every mean thing that could possibly be said, I wish that I could just be a bitch about you... but you're just not worth it.

Have a nice life.

--J.

A Thousand Apologies

I know you may look at me and think, "Why is she such a freak?" or "Why can't she just relax and be easy?". Let me start off by apologising then... I'm sorry for being that person. 

I'm not and wasn't always the psychotic person that you've come to resent and ignore... I actually can be a pretty decent friend - I really hope that no matter how you feel about me now, you still remember that I was a good friend to you at one point and I was once able to make you laugh or smile. I hope you remember the good memories because when I think about my friends, that's what I think about and that's why it hurts to move on and let go because the memories will always be there. I remember the good times and I wish that I hadn't been the cause of there abrupt and unnecessary end. I care a lot about people and, needless to say, that the closer we are; the more I tend to care. I often get to a point where I begin to care too much and that's where things start to unravel and get intense... This is the point where people start freaking out and begin to run away (or are just pushed away by the the person I become).

My problem is that I panic instinctively and incessantly. When I feel someone drifting or there's a lack in attention for whatever reason, I start to panic. This is where I turn into an absolute, obsessive nightmare. I get so scared of losing someone that I latch on and cling to whatever remains of a relationship there may be. I attach myself so tightly so as to attempt to save a friendship that I feel that I am losing... even though I end up losing that friendship despite my bizarre efforts and I often get a lot more hurt through that process than I ever would have, had I simply just accepted my fate and not panicked in the first place.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for panicking and for freaking out. I'm sorry for being psychotic and intense all the time. I'm sorry that I pushed away people who actually cared about me but who got to the point where giving up on me was their only option. I'm sorry for thinking too much about absolutely everything and for being so emotional to the extent that you may have become overwhelmed, uncomfortable and unable to understand or tolerate me any longer. Please know that I'm sorry... and know that I wish somehow you could forgive or even learn to love me again... but I understand if you can't do that.

Please know that I've grown and changed quite a lot this year - hence my ability to admit and acknowledge that I have a very toxic problem regarding relationships. Please know that I am trying. I am really, really trying to get better and to be better and to just work on myself. I want to be someone you wouldn't mind talking to or making time to see. I want to be that friend that you can always count on having a good time with. I want to be that friend that you feel that you always confide in. I'm trying to be that person. I'm trying so hard to change... not just for the sake of my friends and future relationships but for my own sake as well because I don't want to get hurt again or live my life being sad for another moment further. 

Sigh.

I can't think of much else to say. I suppose I will end the way I began this post - by apologising yet again. I'm terribly sorry. I've grown up enough to realise that I have no one to blame but myself. 

--J.

"Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

I can't honestly be the only person on the planet who is frustrated with themselves for having an imagination. Thanks to romantic movies and novels, ridiculous happy endings and imagination able to fabricate morbidly unrealistic expectations and desires... I am doomed to a love life drenched in disappointments. The man of my dreams doesn't exist within a tangible or accessible reality. So then what of me? What do I do in terms of love if I know that what I am truly searching for, I will never find? 

How does one then know if they've ever found the best person for them? How do I know when to stop looking? Do I settle? I hate that idea. In fact the idea of settling makes me cringe. I haven't ever been in love but I just know that I want to do it right and not to ever live with regret. I know that wanting to not make any mistakes is unrealistic but I can't help but want to me happy from now on. I'm not even 19 but I've managed to become sick and tired of being miserable - I've been depressed enough for a life time in my opinion. I'm fighting so badly to be happy and I know that particularly in my case, any misstep I take(in relation to love) will just send me into regression that I am just not strong enough for.

Perhaps I am not being totally unrealistic in my expectations or standards when it comes to the kind of guy I want to be with. Maybe what I desire in a man is completely within the realm of possibility. Mr. Right may exist... He may just not be someone that I have met just yet. That could be possible right? I'm doubtful though... My imagination is definitely not a fan of being realistic so I don't know why I could ever trust it to be in a case that is so vulnerable and open to manipulation. 

I want a guy who is funny and sweet... You know, all the pretty standard stuff. I want what pretty much every girl wants in terms of personality... That desire relates to the side of me that is standard and basic. It's the other more quirky sides of me that give rise to the weirder kind of things that make me think I'll never truly find what I want. What if I'm too much of a weirdo to find a guy that will fit my personality just right?

I want a guy that will be weird like me and stare at clouds all they time... Because clouds are amazing, okay. I want someone who wants to hug and hold me all of the time because I feel loved through physical affection. I don't necessarily need a guy to kiss me all the time (that wouldn't be too bad either but it's not entirely necessarily). I don't think it's surprising at all but I'm definitely a cuddler. I want a guy who will put up with my teasing and tease me back... but more importantly, while I want someone I can have fun with like that, they need to know the line between teasing and rudeness. There's a fine line and some people have a really big problem with it. While I can stand and rather enjoy the whole teasing game, I'm still a huge softy and it's not difficult to hurt my feelings so it's important to me to find a guy who isn't going to take jabs at my self esteem (even if it's not necessarily intentional) but at the same time, encourages me not to take myself so seriously.

I want a guy who loves capturing beautiful moments or even not-so beautiful moments. I'm a creative person so I need a guy who has a creative streak somewhere within him. I can't be bored. I need a bit of fun and a bit of colour. That's just how I am. I need to bounce my creativity off of someone else with a return as well. At the same time though, I need a guy who is logical and intelligent to certain degree because not only do I find that extremely attractive but I need it. I need to be intellectually as well as creatively stimulated.

I want a guy who loves me no matter what I look like. I want a guy that will encourage me to dress up and sing Eric Clapton's 'Wonderful Tonight' in his head when he sees me. I want a guy who will love me and call me beautiful when I'm wearing pyjamas and when I wake up in the morning looking absolutely magical (note the sarcasm). When I'm with a guy, I don't ever want to feel ashamed of who I am or what I look like. That would mean that I'm not with the right guy if I base a negative opinion of myself on the expectations of a guy which are unrealistic for me to fulfil.

I want someone who is spontaneous while still structured. While I'm a fan of routine, I do love to be pleasantly surprised at times. I love attention to detail and those 'Awww babe!' moments - as weird as that may sound... I'm a sucker for mushy moments and romance so I need a guy who is going to make me feel special and who actually wants to make me feel special (What girl doesn't want to feel special). I'm not a total mush ball all the time though... Sometimes I can be a real grumpy monkey. That's my real problem - I'm so bipolar and all over the place... I want and need someone that is able to keep up with me in that way.

Perhaps the most important thing that I want in a guy is strong faith and spirituality. I'm a Christian and my faith is very important to me. If I want to spend my life with one other person, the Christian faith and  lifestyle is kind of a deal breaker. I love God before any man and that is how things will also be without negotiation and hesitation. I need a guy who respects God and who is able to be a spiritual leader of me and of a family I hope to one day have. That's a lot to ask for and a lot to expect of someone. I just hope that if I am ever attracted enough to someone, I'm not swayed so much as to compromise or settle for anything less than what I know I deserve and need. 

Is there a perfect guy... or a just a perfect guy for me at least? Will there ever be some one who will adore and love me fully? I don't even know if it's realistic or even healthy to expect that I an amazing guy will see me as good enough or worth falling for. For now, I suppose only time will tell.

--J.

"It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She'll put on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.

And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.
It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.

And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.""

Perpetual Fear

I am a rather fearful person in general. If something has the potential to hurt me, then chances are that I will have a corresponding phobia of that thing. So fear is nothing new to me yet I have recently found myself to be facing the fear of one specific thing most prominently. I fear one particular person - one so-called friend... And it is the most painfully controlling thing I have ever experienced.

I'm an idiot. I really am and I know it all to well... I honestly don't think that I am mature enough to be able to change that about myself just yet. So for now, I'm stuck being a typical girl about everything. Over-thinking every little thing, making endless dramatic assumptions... I do all of that - in short I cause all of my own problems and feed my own fears. So therein lies the root of my problem and my current pain. My fear has grown to consume me as a result of my own mind's destructive nature.

It is perhaps the most belittling feeling to live in fear of someone... especially if you happen to care about that certain 'someone'. You feel like you're nothing. I didn't think it would possible for me to feel so incredibly small in the presence of another person - yet here I am, paralysed in fear. I hate feeling so utterly useless but I have yet to be able to control the way I feel. My emotions and therefore my fears have manifested themselves and have congealed to a certain extent that my relationship with this person has become my emotions - it has become fear itself.

I really do have this terrible habit of letting my mind and my emotions get the better of me... Hence my current situation. I am consumed with fear at the mere idea of one of my friends. I can't bring myself to send a text message without the rush and onslaught of negative thoughts and expectancy of rejection. I no longer have a healthy friendship because I'm too scared to attempt to even talk to this person despite my deep desire to. It's incredibly painful to experience such unnecessary inner conflict. 

I don't know how not to be fearful though. I hate rejection and I'm scared of every thing I say or do because I feel as though this person will hate me for something. I don't want to be at fault for ruining a relationship by saying or doing something stupid yet by being consumed by this fear is equally as detrimental. My fear has ruined me and stolen any semblance of joy I had.

I'm at a point where I'm just kind of going with the flow because I have the inability to take control. I can't make a decision regarding my relationship with the person I fear and my relationship with my fear itself. 

I feel lost and trapped at every turn. I don't have any bravery to spare. What do I do?

--J.

Fantasia

Yes, it's me again... Writing yet another blog post about love and feelings. It's so heavily consuming - every part of me beckoning for what it yearns for most... Love. 

For a while now, there has been only one guy on my mind. This one guy has held me heart completely and fully even without his knowledge or the slightest desire to. I've thought of no one else... Loved no one else. 

I wonder if it's actually him I am so enthralled and consumed by. Is it him... or rather the idea of him - the idea of this wonderful, magical man in my mind. Is it just my idea of my ideal guy projected onto his identity? Are the feelings I have for him even real or is it just all one giant, unlived, unspoken fantasy?

If, for whatever reason, I am forced to or am able to rip my attachment from him... will I come to like or love another or will I simply project and build upon the same, old fantasy? Is anything of what I thought I've felt real? Will I learn to forget that I adore you?

It's so frustrating... this realm of emotions that I am so consistently in contact with. I can't understand why God has put this desire in me to love and be loved so persistently. There are times when I wish that I didn't want to love people. I wish it were not possible for me to love, to think, to feel. It causes so many stupid problems because I am such a stupid little girl.

This fantasy in my mind - he's perfectly lovely. Perhaps he's not real at all. Perhaps he's nothing but a concoction of epic crushes and the movie-type love that I crave. 

Perhaps this anxiety and frustration in regard to this matter, has come about as a result of just being fed up of getting nothing out of liking you. I just feel stressed and scared all the time because I don't know if I should tell you how I feel... I can't handle rejection from you and I love our friendship - how selfish would it be of me to make things weird? Maybe I've finally reached a point where I'm tired of you just living in my thoughts and in my dreams and since I know we will never be together in reality, I am unconsciously giving up. 

Is this what letting go feels like... This despair and absolute exhaustion of the heart...

Is it all just a fantasy? Will I ever be loved?

--J.