Day 1 to "I Used To Be Fat"

So needless to say that I've always struggled with a negative self-image and dismal self esteem. That is largely as a result of my weight. I've never been happy with my weight - for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be thinner or rather, more like my beautiful friends who all had their skinniness in common. I wanted to be skinny - I still want to be skinny. 

In grade 11, I decided to give up luxuries (junk food; food with excess sugar and salt; fizzy cool-drink etc.)and I managed to lose a lot of weight to a point where people actually thought I was sick or suffering from an eating disorder of some kind. I didn't think that my weight loss then had any reason to be a cause for concern - I was so incredibly happy about finally seeing change and progress. My motivation behind finally deciding to eat healthily was the desire to impress a boy... This boy was a health freak, a sport science student and my cricket coach who I was so smitten with. I did absolutely everything I could to attract and hold his attention. It was a toxic infatuation that consumed me for a very long time. Although I was in a process of becoming physically healthier, my mental health was definitely at a low. I found that the best way to capture his attention was to damage myself and then appeal for his help. He was and is a good person so of course he attempted to reach out to me and help a very stupid little girl. Eventually he got tired of helping me and my friendship with him fell apart because I failed to be a friend to him due to the fact that I was too busy trying to win his affection in a negative way. That being said, he started something within me that showed me that I have the ability to change and to do something about my body. 

I've gained almost 10 kilograms since my lowest weight of 62 in grade 11 (2011). Even though I probably weigh the most I ever have, I don't think it's the fattest I've ever been. Maybe it's an air of complacency or a beginning to finally accepting myself and my body. Perhaps I look completely hideous now but I just don't care anymore? I don't know... I feel like my body looks a lot better now than it used to despite me being technically heavier. Nevertheless, I am still weight and body-obsessed as I have always been but my motivation is not as it was when I cut out processed and junk foods from my diet two years ago.

I have reached a point where I go back and forth from one side of the spectrum to the other. Either I am dead-set on losing weight in order to reach my dream body goal or I am so unmotivated that I feel like there's no reason to be worried with eating healthily. Sometimes I think 'I have no one to impress? What's the point of trying to look my best when no one is going to take note or appreciate it?

Last night I watched a TV show called "I Used To Be Fat" on MTV. I almost cried while watching it because I could almost exactly relate to the girl in that particular episode. I want to be able to look at myself and not want to change anything and everything about the way I look. I want to feel worthy and proud of my progress and ability to accomplish what I had previously imagined to be impossible. I want to love my body instead of loathing every inch of the prison I exist within. 

So I have decided to blog my journey to health and the ideal body. I will eventually get to a place where I will be able to get to say "I used to be fat". I will be blogging my daily experiences and encounters with particular reference to what I eat, what I drink and the amount of exercise I do. I'll also be keeping record of weekly weight loss. My hope is that I will be held accountable to committing to a healthier lifestyle by blogging about it every day. 

I skipped breakfast today because I only woke up after 10.30am. I still haven't eaten anything today. I've had beetroot juice and a cup of coffee up until now. I have a serious craving for pancakes at the moment (are you beginning to see why I'm struggling to lose the weight I want to). I want my pancakes though! I don't exactly want this journey to skinniness to be one of deprivation. I just need to make sure to factor in some kind of exercise today. I'm also going out tonight so I will be drinking - a massive intake of empty calories. I suppose that's not too great of an attempt to be healthy but I'm not going to give up my social life. Truth be told, I'd probably much rather be fat with friends than skinny and all alone. Ideally, I'd be skinny with friends but that is going to take a lot of time and work.

Oh well, here's day number 1. The beginning.

--J.

Full-On Love

Take me by the hand

Take me by surprise.

Sneak up behind me,

Grab me by the waist - 

Just to give me a taste

Of what adoration

Feels like.

It should feel right

When you hold me tight

Like I'm all you want

And all you need.

Buy me flowers

For no reason

Just because no one

Has ever done that for me

Before.

Show me just a little bit more

Of your heart.
Tell me that I'm beautiful
Tell me that I'm magical...
Even though I'm average,
Even though you
Could do so much better.
Never let me go,
Make sure that I know
Why you chose me
Over everybody 
Else...
Even though 
It'll never make sense
To me.
Make me dance in the rain
Let's be cliche' 
And insane...
But only when you know
That I haven't
Just done my hair.
Show me that 
You care.
Even when I can be
Unbearable...
Tell me I'm unforgettable.
Whisper all the stupid things
That make me roll my eyes
Because I've been trying to pretend
That I don't want those
Warm, fuzzy feelings -
Those head-reeling,
Heart-leaping,
Too-good-to-be-true feelings.

Kiss me on the forehead

On my chin,

Then on my cheeks

North

South 

West
East.

And repeat...

Until we're dizzy

Until we're spinning - 

Until we're in love.

Because I can't wait

To know what that feels like,

To BE what that looks like.

Don't use the 'L' word -

Keep me in suspense

Make me tense

And stressed with the desire 

To please you.

Expect my best,

Accept my worst...
Quench my thirst
For a full-on love.

Self-Professed Insanity

It's very easy to see just by looking at me, who the people are that I live my life for and who I used to live my life for. If you look close enough, you'll see the physical signs and symbols and if you ask the right questions, nothing will remain a mystery about me. It's so obvious to see what drives and has driven me in the past. It's so simple to identify where my heart has been invested and where it continues to dwell. I'm an open book really, if you ignore the fake lock that pretends to bind me,like a pretentious child's diary.

There's a girl around my neck. She's my sister and she's made of gold. I always have her with me because I've never met her. It was through her death that I was given the opportunity for life and thus to her I feel indebted, guilty almost, because I know things would have been so very different had she lived - had life been fair. I think about her every day and I wonder what it was that caused God to take her away and leave me here instead. I call her my guardian angel because it only makes sense to do so - I'm sure she's saved me more times than I am even aware of. I live for her because it wasn't in God's design for her to do so herself. It may be somewhat strange to say this of a five week old baby, but she's my role model. In the five weeks that she was on this earth, she touched and changed more people than I probably have in my 19 years of life. She has taught me that love knows not the bounds of mortality but rather it transcends all that which is strictly human and all that is bound within time. I didn't even need to know her or meet her yet she is one of the closest people to my heart.

There is a boy on my wrist. He didn't ask to be there... rather I crossed a psychotic line of sorts and drew his name in blood on the parchment that was my flesh. It has proven to be one of the stupidest things I have ever done. However, I do not regret having done it. I look down at the fading scars and I still see the blood mixed with my own tears as my mind reeled from the pure torment that raged within my head. I had told him that I couldn't love properly - this was at a time where I was seemingly devoid of all feeling. Everything felt fake, posed and enveloped in numbness - I could not have lied to him at the time by saying that I truly loved him because I really didn't know if I did. He tried to make me see that there was love within our friendship even though I was stubborn in not just immediately believing him. He did everything that a good friend ought to have done in that situation... And then later that night, my twisted mind went on some psychotic rampage in an attempt to prove to myself that I did in fact love him as well as every other friend of mine. So now I have his name on my wrist with nothing much more to show for it except a lost friendship and an awkward question to answer when people happen to look closely enough to see the scars. It seems as though his name on my wrist did the exact opposite of cementing the love between friends but rather it set me up for the downward spiral that would become my life in the following year. I created a world of hurt for myself that proved to be completely stupid, immature and unnecessary. I can apologise a million times to him and to those close to him for the drama I brought about but it won't take back what it did to him, to our friendship, to me. I can't go back in time and change the course that ensued after one misguided action. I can only look back now and be thankful for the lesson it has afforded me - as hard as it has been.

I have a number of old friends etched into my skin - fading memories of all who I've pushed away and all those who simply ran from my idiocy and borderline psychotics. I've often gone too far... I've pushed too much, done little good and manipulated people far too explicitly. I can sit hear and say these things about myself for days on end because I know of all my mistakes and all of the horrible things I've done to people who have done nothing but expect normality from me. In essence, I look back on what my life has been comprised of for the past few years and I cringe at the desperation that it reeks of. I don't know who that miserable, complicated, twisted little girl was. I don't want to remember myself as the monster I once was... even though it probably still lurks within me, waiting to pull me back into an infinite regress of depression and self-inflicted suffering. I don't want to be that way ever again. I don't want to live my life on the edge if it means at any moment I could look over the railing of a balcony as I once did and decide it would be a good way to die. I don't want to ever look at a bottle of painkillers and mentally calculate the amount needed to overdose. I don't to cause my friends to worry about me to the extent that they feel the need to stage mini-interventions and check my wrists every so often for fresh scars. I don't ever want to be that selfish ever again. 

Perhaps I'm schizophrenic and the voices in my head have become somewhat restless. Maybe that's what it is that pulls me back into myself. Maybe that's what I can credit my moments of pure insanity to. It would make so much more sense to me if I were to be diagnosed with some mental illness. I suppose it would make so much more sense to the people around me as well - it would explain so much and, I'm sure, confirm some of their suspicions. Also, then some psychiatrist could give me a concoction of pills that would make me better. So that none of the people who I have come to love, cherish and adore would ever have to be subjected to the overflow of my warped mind. It would be a guarantee that I would no longer hurt or annoy anyone. Would being classed as insane not just make everything that much easier? Or do I have to further grapple with the task of balancing the expectation of normality or conformity with the nature of my not-so-normal mind?

--J.

Casting The Burden

I hate looking at a scale. I hate knowing that my goals are no where near to being realized. It feels as if all I've done - the healthy eating, the gymming, etc. - it's all been for nothing. It feels useless and I feel so incredibly stupid because I actually thought I was getting somewhere.

It is so bizarre to me how I can feel healthy and happy and amazing in a physical sense but one stupid little number can just cause every shred of pride in your accomplishments to completely dissipate.  My mother used the word 'fixated' to describe my current association with my weight and physical appearance as I stood glaring at the scale. She's so very right though - she often is. I don't know what it is with me and my horrid relationship with my body. I don't know what I ultimately want to look like, I don't know how far I want or need to go until I'll be satisfied... All I know is that I don't want to look how I look right now. I just don't want to look like me.

I suppose that I sound grossly superficial in this instance... I know it's such a petty thing to allocate so much time and attention to. I don't know if it can currently be helped though. I've been insecure about my body ever since I can remember being aware of my physical appearance. I've always been the fat, ugly kid who always stood a part from her gorgeous friends with perfect figures. Especially when I was younger, I felt as though it was so unfair that I looked the way I did and that because of my physical appearance it meant I was allowed to be the victim of verbal bullying from my peers as well as from people who were really close to me. So I've always grown up with this massively skewed self-concept aided by my negative and dismal self esteem and my unrealistic idea of my ideal self. That's just how it's always been and I suppose then it's needless to say that my insecurity surrounding my physical appearance directly influenced my emotional and psychological health as well.

I struggled for a while with an eating problem - I'm not quite sure whether I have the liberty to call it a disorder. I still don't have the healthiest of relationships when it comes to eating... It's not about what I eat so much as it is about how much I eat. I generally eat very healthily i.e. low in carbohydrates, low in sugar, low in sodium, high protein, lots of tea and water, minimal junk food or takeaways, etc. Unfortunately, I go through this back and forth - a vicious cycle if you will. Either I eat far too little or far too much. It's always been like that. However, my phases of binge or excessive eating are far shorter than my almost anorexic approach to food. I wrote a poem about a year or so ago that very aptly portrays my view of my body as well as my view in regards to eating or the lack thereof as a means to solving my physical crises. I have grown up somewhat since having written the poem but there are still definite correlations between my self esteem and self concept of both then and now.

Oh To Starve - By Jillian Lawrence

When I happen  

To steal a glance at the mirror…

I cringe. 

My dignity and sanity,

Slowly unhinged.

I don’t see a person

I don’t see me…

I don’t even see what you think

That you see.

I see all of my failures-

They’re scars across my face.

A mark of the disgrace.

I see the overwhelming evidence

Of a girl unwanted.

Unneeded and defeated.

I look big, like a giant of sorts

Every blink is a thunderous roar

Every step is a trembling quake.

It must be a mistake…

Why does reality seem so fake.

Why do you see a person

While I see a mountainous ruin.

Grotesque and obscene

Obesity of note

A fat joke…

Oh murder was all that she wrote

But never could do it.

I can’t do it.

Oh to die would be too easy

It seems too good to be true

The only downside would be

Not saying goodbye to you.

All I see in the mirror

Is the mess-

What I've confessed.

I can’t face it 

I can’t beat it.

It’s too big to beat.

The only solution is to starve

So that the shell of my adversity

Dwindles and dies

That way nobody cries…

Because there’s no blood,

Only my face in the mud.

Oh to starve so that I 

May fade away

Until I wish to be seen someday

The more I see

The more I'm reminded 

Of all I've done

Of all they did.

Oh to starve…

It seems the only way

To disappear a little more

Each day…

So that I may not be reminded

Of my darkest desires

To give up completely

To starve my body of air-

To kick the chair…

Oh to starve...

And to rid myself of life.

I found it quite morbid to read that and also somewhat chilling to recall my own state of mind when I first penned that poem. I've grown somewhat more confident in myself but I am still far from content. I think that's going to take a lot more work on my part as well as a lot more spiritual growth. I can go on these intense body bashing trips and then I suddenly realise that I am hating on something that God created and that He finds beautiful. At present, I don't understand why I was created to look the way that I do but I do know and believe firmly that God's plan and reasons for doing things is far beyond mortal comprehension. I feel so guilty at times when I look in the mirror and still hate what I see - I want so badly to be okay with not being the thinnest or the prettiest person on the planet. I want to say that I'll be okay with looking average... but I hate complacency and I hate the idea of mediocrity. That's why I have this raging inner conflict... because I'm fighting with myself and I get angry with myself for not being amazing at everything. I hate not being good at things and I hate thinking that I have not lived up to the expectations that I have of myself and that other people have of me.

I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm losing. It doesn't seem to matter that I eat healthily and exercise. The change or the difference that is supposed to come about is not apparent to me. Even when I somehow think that it is and for a split second I am happy with myself, there is something that ruins it for me... Like a snide comment from my sister or someone takes a photo of me and I don't look as good as I thought I felt. Inferiority is something I've always had to grapple with and it often wins as a result of it being so overwhelming at times. My physical struggle is perhaps most prominent because it's something I face continuously and I am most aware of it... I'm constantly caused to compare myself to everyone else - mentally deciding that they're prettier than me because they're thinner, because they have blue eyes, because their hair is longer, because their nose is sharper. I know I shouldn't but it's become inherent and that's why I call what I face an inner struggle because I loathe the fact that it has become habitual for me to knock myself down. It's like an out-of-body experience at the moment - I watch myself self-destruct at the fault of my own venomous words... And I can't run from myself. All I can do is try to distract myself from the screaming in my head - the sheer torment that I'll always be this way; that I'll always feel the pain of inadequacy.

I want more than anything to just be better. I want to keep getting better until my dying day... I just feel so blocked and frustrated at the fact that my efforts fall short. For those of you who have ever watched A Knight's Tale (if you haven't, go watch it - you have not yet lived until you do)... I feel like there's this voice inside of me that I can only assimilate to Adhemar. I keep hearing that line where he says, "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?" In what world could I ever be good enough? Whether it be physically, academically, creatively... Will I ever be as extraordinary as I have always dreamed to be? My biggest fear is that I will die and no one will care... I want to be remembered, I want to make a difference yet this overwhelming sense of mediocrity has me doubtful and worried about whether I'll die with integrity or in the depths of despair.

I don't want this baggage and the burden of all of my toxic insecurity any more. I'm clinging so desperately to faith and to God right now. I'm trusting so blindly and with such indignation because I have no choice but to refuse the suffering and to rather choose the peace that comes with resting in the assurance of Christ. I can't love any one fully until I stop hating myself. I can't ever be in a healthy relationship until I'm able to affirm myself instead of expecting to have all of my insecurities be somehow miraculously cured by some poor mortal man - only my God can do that. 

I just want all the hurtful words of the past to die and to slip from my memory... I don't want to see the faces of the people who verbally abused the shy and overly-sensitive primary school Jill as raging distortions that choke me as I sleep. I don't want to look at my own sister, someone who I've always naturally looked to as a role model and looked for affirmation from, wishing that I had never existed to her so as to escape her criticism of me. I just want to be able to love my friends, family and God as they ought to be loved... and while this hate rages within me and eats away at my very soul, I cannot do that - I cannot be better.

I want to look at myself and see something beautiful - it doesn't matter what 'beautiful' actually looks like, I just want to feel as though I no longer have to change or attempt to be someone or something that I am not for the sake of the acceptance of others. I don't want the number on a scale or carelessly tossed insults to define the way I view myself. I want to be proud of the fact that I was moulded and shaped by a loving God who made me the way that I am for reasons that are good and perfectly in contribution and accordance with His plan and His will. I want to delight in the fact that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made instead of dwelling in the self-imposed misery surrounding my feelings of inadequacy. I want to smile instead of inwardly scowling at the mirror - I want to be thankful instead of melancholy to point where I am blind to my blessings.

--J.

Sweet Rosé

So I sat in your room for the first time in a very long time. Ever since you first randomly messaged me, I had been dreading that very moment - sitting on the edge of your bed, clutching my bag which held a bottle of Four Cousins Sweet Rose' and wondering whether I was going to say something that would ruin everything all over again.

Of course my mind was just causing me to over-think everything as it usually does but I was not aware, until that moment, just how much fear I had been holding inside of me up in anticipation for this encounter with you. As we talked things flowed and I was able to be chilled and open once I finally got out of my own head. It was weird speaking to you as though nothing had ever been estranged between us but I loved it - I loved being back in that place where you showed a genuine interest in my life and were also willing to tell me about yours. A part of me kept on wanting to ask you 'Why?' ... 'Why did you suddenly want to speak to me again?'. You told me the answer I suppose but I guess I'll never grasp an understanding of it because I'm not used to people leaving and then coming back like you have. I'm not complaining, rather I'm embracing it but that doesn't mean I don't harbor some kind of natural curiosity as to what it was that made you want to talk to me, of all people, again.

After talking to you, I've realized just how many unanswered questions have taken up residence within my mind without my awareness. I suppose though that they are the sort of questions that one doesn't want to hear the answers to... even though what you'd have to say would probably be exactly what I need to hear. It's just so difficult being reminded of all the mistakes you've made and their thorny consequences. There were a couple of times where I felt so sore as my chest and throat pulled tight when you mentioned his name - I spoke of him as briefly as I could manage and then let you say all of the rest because talking about him and even thinking about him to a certain extent puts me on the verge of a depression that I cannot afford to sink into. I know that you'll understand what I mean but perhaps to most I sound like I'm speaking of someone I was once in love with... but I'm not. You know I don't love him like that... but I cannot dispute the fact that I love him so much no matter what any says about me or about him or about the type of friendship we had. I love him - and I know you love him too. So you can understand (I hope) where I am coming from when I say that losing him has shattered me to no end. Knowing that he practically loathes my existence rips me apart every day if I let my mind wander too far in the direction of him. So I don't think about him because I can't stand to live my life as a blubbering, dramatic mess of a girl who once again has let her emotions consume her. I wish I could have brought myself to ask you what he's said in regards to me so that I would know how I appear to him - but I can't do that mostly because of the fear that you'll confirm all of my assumptions about what he thinks. It hurts me so much to think of him hating me when all I can do is love him like I always have... 

I wish I could have asked you every question imaginable... not in the expectation that you would be able to answer them all but rather in the hopes that I would have someone to ponder and debate with about those 'deep, meaningful everythings'. I really needed today - it's been a really long while since I've had a conversation quite like the one I've had today - time spent with you is not easily comparable or equatable to any other experience I would have with any of my other friends. So thank you for today and just know that I'm proud of you always. I love you. I think I'm going to go read your blog for a bit now... (http://www.vividartilante.blogspot.com/ for those of you who don't know)

"Welcome To My World: ***Please leave all judgement and arrogance outside."

--J.

I Tried To Write You A Letter...

I started writing you this letter, you see. I probably shouldn't have because I don't know if it will ever truly be finished. I just have too much to say about you and to you. I started writing you a letter full of feelings and sweet nothings until I realised that we're so much more than just all of that - YOU are so much more than all of that.

I've mentioned that I love you in practically every line because there is nothing that will make me feel as though I've said it enough times. Every stroke upon each page is dark with the conviction that I have in my pure adoration and surrender to you. I tried writing a letter that would do you justice but I can't do that because nothing would ever be good enough... Just as I will never be good enough to deserve you.

I wrote you a letter and lost count of how many pages piled up beside me as I attempted to put into words what I was feeling in my heart and in my head. I feel as though there are not enough words or rather, there are no words that can capture the essence of who you are. The jumbled mess within my spirit that encompasses what I feel for you has never truly been put into words that I can confidently say reflect you. Every time I open my mouth or attempt to decipher my mind, all that comes out is "I love you."

I wrote a letter for you even though I know you'll never read all of it because you'll get bored or run out of hours in the day. I wrote you a letter so that, quite selfishly, I would feel better in having tried to somehow describe or quantify the beauty of your soul, the strength in your existence, the shivers I get at your gentle touch, the intelligence you so often try to downplay... I wrote a letter to you because I feel it's the only thing I could do that would fool me into thinking that I've begun to understand you.

It is highly probable that what I have attempted to write makes little to no sense at all. My letter to you is probably filled with mindless repetition and awful clichés perhaps from being to distracted by the thought of you to actually write anything down that would facilitate comprehension. In fact, perhaps it would be best if you didn't read my mindless ramblings and pathetic confessions.

I tried writing you a letter - or rather, I wrote you a letter but I'll never be satisfied enough with it to declare it to be complete nor worth the read. All that it has taught me is that sometimes words are not enough and the only adequacy one can find in the description of true and epic love is the moments in which that love grows. It can't be about what I say or what I write, it'll have to be in what I do. I will never be able to write you a letter that'll fully assure you of my affections for you but I can try every day to make it all the more clearer as a lifetime gently passes me by. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you see that your love is my lifeblood and that your complete beauty is the joy that I delight in every day. It won't be in my words any more - My love for you has surpassed my mere, meagre, mortal words... My love for you dances in my eyes and beats fiercely within my chest for you make me who I am.

I love you.

--J.

P.S. Even though my words will never be enough and despite my inadequacy, I'll never cease to write of all the wonders of your existence to the best of my ability...

I Can't Run The World

It's not that I don't like running... It's that I hate running. I'm not saying that out of laziness and I'm not saying that out of lack of determination to reach my goals. It's just that if there was one thing I could by-pass in my plan to lose weight it would be running. There is nothing in this world that makes me feel more useless as a human being.

Before I say anything further I would just like to say that I know that I'm being a melodramatic about this entire thing and I should prob just deal with my issues and get over it already. That, however, takes time. It also takes a bit more understanding, on my part, of myself. I have such a skewed self-concept and self-esteem that it's going to take a lot to just simply understand the root problems that have resulted in the petty issues I seem to have in regards to my body.

Okay, running. Running is an extremely good way to burn calories, lose weight and get fit in a healthy way. I've heard that countless times and I don't dispute the fact that it is true (there is too much evidence to prove that it is, in fact, true). It's just something that I have not yet been able to bring myself to do voluntarily. Yes, I sound utterly ridiculous right now but it's true. 

Running is deeply uncomfortable for me so on a physical level it isn't something I particularly enjoy doing. I've been told so many times that I will get used to it as I run more often and more consistently... I know all that cool stuff and whatever but it doesn't mean anything to me at the moment. I'm not a completely stagnant, inactive person and it's not like I've never attempted to run in my life - that's so far from the truth. I was forced, all throughout primary school, to take part in athletics days that would result in me feeling humiliated after finishing last in some stupid 200m race. I played sport like netball in primary school and then in high school I played cricket - the sports in themselves were fun and enjoyed the exercise in that way... but when it came to the compulsory fitness i.e. a lot of running, I went back to despising what I was doing.

To me, running is symbolic of failure and if you know me relatively well you know that I hate and fear failure and the very idea of failing at something. I hate doing things I'm not good at and yes that means I am somewhat denying myself multiple opportunities and new experiences but I don't do things in the same way other people do anyway, okay... I'll stop being a baby and I'll get over it eventually. I just need to take my time in getting to a place where I'm unashamed of who I am and of my body.

Right now, with the frame of mind that I have right now... I would say that I am not as confident as I'd like to be in order to start running. I wouldn't be able to run anywhere out of the fear that someone may see me and judge me - that fat girl trying to run herself skinny but to no avail. I wouldn't be able to run with  friends out of the fear of being to slow and letting them down as well as appearing useless and unfit to them. I just can't afford to feel useless at anything else - just let me stick to what I know for a while until I stop being a girl and get over myself.

So this blog post, funnily enough, has been helping me to procrastinate instead of going for my daily gym session - you see, I do exercise! I just really don't want to run... Sigh, I know I'll probably end up running eventually and when I do, I shall keep you posted on my progress and my journey to a skinnier and fitter me.

Off to my running-free gym session for the day!

--J.

Embracing the Uncomfortable

I think it is safe to say that I have never been so wholly uncomfortable in my entire life. Emotionally, mentally, socially and physically - I am in an indefinite stage of unease. The strange thing is that I'm kind of okay with not being within my comfort zone and I now have reason to believe that this is where I need to be right now in my life's journey and the apparent lack of comfort ought to be welcomed and embraced.

I was sitting in church yesterday morning after having volunteered in the children's ministry in the first session. My body was sore (it still is sore actually) as a result of my daily exercise routine - which has recently become intensified - and I couldn't help but inwardly express the thought, "I feel so uncomfortable right now." My church's head pastor walked onto stage after the worship session (which made my legs stiffen up because of having to stand in essentially the same position) and he began speaking about giving. Now, this is a usual precursor in my church before the offering is taken up so I naturally didn't think it necessary to pay any more attention to it than I usually would've. That being said, as soon as he asked the question, "Is there anyone who feels uncomfortable?", I knew God was speaking. He began speaking about how one should be thankful and embrace being uncomfortable because it is in those times of life that God works within us best and grows us for His cause. So I think I'm in that growth phase. I thank God for answering me even when I didn't ask to be answered - He is so great.

Okay, so don't get me wrong now... Physical or muscular pain is not my only source of uncomfort - it just happens to be a contributor. I've been feeling emotionally alienated for an extremely extensive period - in fact, I can probably pin point the beginning of this alienation to the start of this year. My emotional unease is not conventionally a bad thing - in fact, normal people would consider me practically insane for feeling uncomfortable with my current emotional state. You see, the the thing is that I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm content, I feel loved... yet I don't know what to do with myself as a result. Prior to university, the last two years of my life had been so incredibly dark and depressing... and numbing to a point where I got used to it and  began to expect nothing else for myself except pain and perpetual unhappiness. I thought I was doomed to a life of sadness and quietly suffocating despair. The change of this year and the incredible people I have met have forced me to shed the negativity that I had been carrying around for years. I'm surrounded by positivity and love to a point where I don't know how to react any more. I can't act in the same way as I used to, my relationships are bound to change as well as a result. As much as I am thankful for the phenomenal change in my life, I cannot help but be afraid of everything that has become so different. I can't help but fear that which I know absolutely nothing about as of yet. I am open to learn and I know I will have to but it's a daunting task - it requires me to rewire my own mind and my heart that have been so haunted and heavy for so long. I fear more than anything that, ultimately, I won't be able to manage, accomplish or sustain this change and that I'll simply relapse into what I have so long known to be comfortable and normal. It's scary to think just how easy to would be to go back to where I'm most comfortable and where I learnt how to do life - that dark place. Therefore, I pray and I beg and I plead to remain uncomfortable.

When I say mentally uncomfortably, I mean in terms of my academics. I have recently been very internally conflicted in regards to the work I'm doing at varsity. I don't know if I'm working hard enough. In fact, I know I could work harder but then there's the dilemma of motivation. I work hard but if I spent less time blogging, social networking, spending time with friends and family etc. one can assume that I would do better academically. Where does one draw the line between work and play? I've always been the type of person who expects a lot from themselves. I can't help but have high standards and therefore I also can't help being extremely disappointed to the point of devastation when I somehow don't achieve my personal goals. I can't stand failure - I despise it. I fear feeling stupid and inferior even in the event of having worked hard at something. I hate the feeling of not being good enough. So right now, I'm in this state of unease at university where I am just under a lot of self-inflicted pressure to achieve and to do well. I am praying that this will be more of means of motivation than a source of  unnecessary anxiety or depression.

Socially, I don't quite feel on par with everybody else around me. I'm reaching the stage of life now where I'm supposed to be investing time in looking for a long-standing, intimate relationship. I just really couldn't care less at the moment. In fact, the prospect of a relationship puts me off to a surprising degree. I don't know whether it's because I'm subconsciously a coward or consumed with the fear of rejection. I just know that I don't want what the people around me seem to want. I know that shouldn't define me and that I don't have to want to be in a relationship but due to the circumstance and the expectations others have for their lives, I feel slightly out of place and once again subject to alienation of some kind. It is no means to say that I feel uncomfortable in that I don't want to be around people who feel differently to me - it's more of a personal struggle that I am pursuing. For the longest time, I've wanted to be in a relationship and I've wanted that personal attention from a significant other and now all of a sudden I've done a complete 180 where I cringe at the idea of a relationship. I feel so strange but I'm taking it as it comes rather than trying to analyse anything too severely. Perhaps this is a time of preparation. So for now I shall be patient and see what God has in store in this regard.

I don't mind being uncomfortable if it means that I will be better off for being this way. God has a plan that I am unaware of and have no hopes of ever grasping so I shall trust in Him to shape me for the purpose of His glory. For now, I shall embrace the uncomfortable.

--J.

The Self-Revolution

Perhaps you'll never really understand me because I'll never be able to explain myself to you. I think all of my stupid issues came about as a result of some other more deeply-rooted problems... So everything is spun out of proportion and made a big deal of when it really ought not to be. It's really a shame. Imagine what I would be like if I wasn't such a psycho.

It's rather difficult for one to admit when they are wrong... Similarly, for me to admit that I react unnecessarily to certain things is an almost painful thing to do. In the moment, it is easy to justify my reactions and my emotions but as soon as I have been removed from that situation or enough time has elapsed, I am able to see just how stupid I have been in the past. I know a lot of people can relate to that because honestly, everybody makes mistakes... but I suppose I just feel like it's something I'm constantly doing and not actually learning from even though modifying or correcting my behaviour would save me from a lot of pain and trouble.

I can't dispute the fact that I am such a girl when it comes to certain things - really, I just mean that I am way too emotionally immersed in situations than I should be. Hence, I overreact and I say and do things that I shouldn't. I become obsessive and crazy about something that, in perhaps even the space of a few weeks, will mean absolutely nothing to me. I can't imagine why I don't realise that in my many moments of insanity. It's quite ludicrous and quite frankly, it's exhausting.

It's not really myself that I feel sorry for, it's more the people that happen to surround me at these particular times. I am ridiculous and just so incredibly stupid. I'm too much - I truly and honestly realise that. I can't, however, say that I have the means to resolve that issue or flaw in my personality. I do not know enough about my psyche that points to the initial events that sparked my resulting absurdity. I don't understand myself well enough to know of the root causes of my reactions and choices. I just know that there must be something - no one can be born like this... This is something the world does to you. 

I've written blog posts similar to this one in that I've recognised the flaws that are characteristic of my personality. I've apologised for the lack of knowing what to do about said flaws. I don't really know what more to say other than sorry because it kind of is all I can say that seems appropriate. I've put people through hell because of stupid decisions I've made. I've driven people away from me because they no longer know how to deal with me or simply because they've had enough and don't want to have anything more to do with me. It's so so unfortunate and it makes me so incredibly disappointed in myself. I am so blessed - I am constantly and continuously being blessed with amazing people in my life but there is always something that I manage to do to drive those people away. It is amazing how I have the ability to be a really good friend on the one hand but then also a complete psychopath at times. It's unbelievably frustrating because I cannot think of an adequately traumatising experience that I would've had to go through that would make me like this.

I am so fortunate in that I have had just about the greatest childhood imaginable. I am so lucky and so blessed yet here I am, at the age of 19 having successfully driven people to madness and derision over my idiocy. How? I cannot confidently say... Perhaps those people that I have referred to may be able to provide some clarity surrounding that topic. 

I could never begin to explain myself due to the fact that I have not yet begun to understand who I am or what I have become. All I can say for certain is that I am a lot more conscious of the way I act and react now than I used to be because I don't want to make the same stupid mistakes again. All I can say is that I am trying not to be the person that everybody thought I was... I'm changing - in fact, perhaps it can be said that I have changed somewhat already. I'm no longer the girl I was in high school - consistently dark and depressive... I would like to believe that I am more of a blessing instead of a burden in the lives of the people I come into contact with. 

As long as I have the conviction to not be the emotional vampire that I once was, I believe that perhaps one day I will learn to be truly happy with who I am and proud of my ability to change for the better. 

Look at me trying to be all self-revolutionary! In all honesty though, I have been made so much more aware of the blessing of true friends this year and I plan on appreciating the beautiful souls in my life. Being a psychopath has truly become a bore and I think that from now on I shall choose a happier kind of weirdness instead.

--J.

Clean Break

Nobody ever

Taught me how to let go

They always just

Assumed

That I would know...

But I don't 

And I can't

Because it's hard.

It weighs heavy

On my soul

In my mind

In my heart

I'm no longer a part

Of your life any more.

You walked out

Of some imaginary

Door.

I'm still lying on the floor,

Hoping you'll come

Back.

Hoping things will get back

On track.

But they won't...

So now I need a clean break

I need to cut myself off

From the things 

And the people

Who made me feel like 

I'm a mistake.

I'm so weak

Because I spent my strength

On people

Who didn't need it.

People who didn't mean it

When they said they cared,

When they said they loved

Me.

I need a clean break

From the 'friends'

Who didn't keep in touch

From those who thought

I was getting to be

'Too much'.

I need to get away

From those who ran away

I need to stop thinking

They'll change their minds

One day.

I need a clean break

From the users

And, most importantly, from the verbal

Abusers.

The people who disguise

Themselves

As those who

'Will never hurt you'

But they're the ones

Who made me hate myself;

Beat myself

Up...

On the inside and the outside.

The ones who led me to believe

That suicide

Was a good idea.

I would've looked past 

My fear

Of dying...

Just to give up trying

To please everyone,

Just to get rid of everything,

All the pain;

To prevent it from happening again - 

To let go for good.

For a while

I thought no one would mind

If I would. 

If I said goodbye for once

And for all...

One final fall.

Turns out

There are more people who

Love me 

Than hate me,

More who cherish me

Than despise me...

More who want me 

To Live

Than those who want me

To Die.

And for them I'll make 

A clean break

For them, I'll keep on

Smiling.

For them, I'll keep on

Living,

Loving,

Laughing...

For them,

I will be all that I can be

And so much more.

For them, 

Not only will I fly...

I will soar

Because THEY 

Are my clean break -

The people who taught me

That I'm not a mistake,

The people who showed me

My love is a gift

And not merely a handout

The people who brought me

Back to God

Who I no longer doubt.

The Devil broke me,

But God remade me...

He changed me.

So I am better for 

Being broken.

Because into me, 

His Word was spoken.

And now I'm made new...

Ready to forgive you,

Ready to forgive all who 

Have hurt me

And to forget 

And to be free 

Of painful memory...

Only to remember 

Grace

And a lesson

In its place.

--J.

A Dream To Remember

If anything at least I kind of know what it would be like to be wanted by you now. I don't know why I dreamt about you last night considering that I gave up on my feelings for you so long ago. You weren't even on my mind... but apparently you're still in my dreams.

I don't know whether it is a blessing or a curse to have a vivid imagination. I can remember every detail of what you did and what you said in that dream... I almost wish it hadn't happened. Once again my fantasy has successfully beat out my reality. I found myself struggling to get up this morning because all I wanted to do was dream of you some more.

I know that it was just a dream and that the 'you' that I met in my mind is probably the furthest thing from who you are in reality. I know that the situation in my dream will never be something that spills over into the real world. It's just not possible for anything remotely similar to occur as long as you're the guy that I want to be with. I've moved on - I really have. I've accepted what can't happen and therefore I'm moving on to better things because I know what I deserve. Sigh, but there's no denying that that dream was freaking amazing.

I'm almost scared to divulge in the details - not because it was particularly steamy or anything but just because I don't want to make a huge deal about it... Then again I suppose that by even just starting this blog post, that ship sailed a long time ago. It was nothing hectic really... It was just romantic - like movie-type romance. 

The part of the dream that I'm tripping over is the part where you kissed me. You were shy and slightly awkward but adoring and gentle... And it seemed as though all you wanted was to love me. You were so cute! It was adorable and surreal because I can remember a time not too long ago when that was probably all that I ever wanted in life. I guess you could say that I finally got what I wanted - just not in the way that I expected to. Haha! I sound so delusional right now... Okay, okay I'm done being stupid. It was just one of those dreams that you don't want to end because nothing in your current reality can live up to it. It was a magical moment.

I kind of can't wait to go to sleep again tonight. I love my dreams - they're always exciting and hilarious to talk about. I also can't wait to make magical moments and memories within my reality as well. Perhaps then I can blog about something that has actually happened to me! Fingers crossed hey - all in good time.

Thank you for reading my ramblings, Teacups!

--J.

A Letter To Roslyn

Dear Ma

Yes, it's me... Jillian. I'm your granddaughter. No, I'm not Michelle. I know it confuses you sometimes because I'm taller than her now and you remember us as little kids. I'm in my first year of varsity at Stellenbosch University... I'm no longer in school any more. You ask me almost every time that you see me - I'm studying BA Humanities and I know you're proud of me because you tell me every time you get the chance to. Thank you Ma.

That man that you're sitting next to on the couch, he's Pa Clive. He's not some strange man. No, Paul didn't bring you here... Pa did. I know you don't like Pa sometimes because he wronged you once upon a time - sometimes the dark times are all you can remember about him. He takes care of you now. You live in a really nice complex and you like it there. I know sometimes you want to go back to your house in District Six... But I'm sorry Ma - it's not there any more.

Your mother passed away a while ago... so you can't go and visit her, Ma. You've been asking a lot about Aunty Libby lately... but she's been with Jesus since 2009. You've always asked about her the most. Uncle Joey, Uncle Stan & Aunty Mary have passed on too... I've never heard you ask about them, I don't think. I suppose it's because you and Aunty Libby were so close. I remember how much time you spent together - particularly the time leading up to her passing. I know you miss her so much and it confuses you terribly when you don't remember that she's no longer with us. Sometimes I think that maybe you wouldn't have gotten Alzheimer's if she was still around... but it's not fair for me to just assume that. I wish she was still here too.

I wish I could take away all of your frustration and all of the confusion. I wish there was a cure. I feel like one day you'll just snap and you won't remember a thing - I'm scared you won't remember me and the rest of your family. It's incredibly scary... I can't do anything but pray and ask God for strength - for you, for our family, for me. Your mind started to slip so suddenly... It's strange to think that this time last year, it wasn't like this. 

I don't care how many times I have to tell you how old I am or remind you which one of the men in the room is your son, Michael... I love you, Ma. I will love you for as long as eternity allows. You are an inspiration to me - you taught me kindness but also how to be sharp. Alzheimer's may steal your memory but nothing can take away from your incredible sense of wit. Nothing could ever make you look weak in my eyes. 

I'm so incredibly proud to be your granddaughter and I love you... If there was anything that I wish you could remember forever, it'd be that.

--J.

Have A Nice Life

Am I supposed to be able to forgive you and move on with my life? How can I forgive you or not remain somewhat angered by the fact that you caused me so much pain? I'm trying to forgive you because it is the right thing to do and because I can't live with this burden of hatred... but you've made it so difficult to even consider forgiveness.

I don't like blaming people - I really don't. I also don't think it's practical or mature to blame others or to hold grudges. That's why I'm tripping so much about being so angry at the two of you. I don't want to be angry at anyone because life is too short and I want to be happy... I just don't know how to forgive or to get over this.

To the person who claimed to be my friend - why? What happened to your ability to make your own decisions? And for the lack of a better question... Why don't you just grow a pair? I understand and respect that you prioritise and consider your girlfriend highly but why did I have to suffer so much as a result. I know that boundaries were necessary and you know that I didn't do anything to disrespect your relationships. I stand by the claim that I didn't do anything inappropriate or wrong... despite the treatment or reactions that I received. I know you love her and I'm glad you do because you're happy... I'm sad that you chose her over me so abruptly and so completely - I'm hurt that all of a sudden, our friendship dissipated into nothingness.

Do you remember your birthday last year, friend? Do you remember what I did for you, what I said and more importantly, what you said? You told me that I was your best friend. You held my hands, looked me dead in the eye and you told me that over and above everyone else, I was your best friend. Nothing else has ever sounded truer to me than that. One year later, almost to the day, and we're so far apart in our friendship that we've practically become strangers. Now you resent me and you're ashamed of me and of being my friend. At one point you told me you had a 'soft spot'for me. Well, what the hell happened to it then? When did you stop caring all of a sudden? I wish I knew what it was that I did because then you know I'd try to make amends for it.

I always knew you would hurt me. I expected and predicted that you would. I remember telling you that I couldn't feel anything and that I couldn't and didn't feel love from other people and that I didn't have the capacity to love others at that particular time in my life. You tried so hard to make me believe that you loved me and I remember how hurt you said you were and how hurt you looked when I said I didn't feel anything. Long story short... it was that situation that lead to your name ending up etched into my skin. I wanted to prove to myself that I loved you... and I did. I still do. I have the damn scars to remind me everyday that you tried to believe me that you loved me... And now you hate me and you've pushed me away. So I sit and stare at these stupid scars that remind me that you're just like everyone else. I let my guard down for you because I wanted to love you like a true friend should. My guard was way down and then you left... then you just became another haunting, emotionless face - a shadow of the friend I once had.

I'm kind of worn out after saying all of that. I don't think you'll understand just how hard it was for me to put all of that into words... because what I have been repressing for months is now suddenly so real to me. I feel the pain and the rejection somewhat even more now than I did before... It has hollowed me out. I don't want to trust anyone any more because of what has happened with you. I can't let anyone have that much control over me and over my happiness. I don't want to let anyone in because I'm not going to risk getting hurt - getting crushed - again. I've always known it but I've never been able to admit it nor do I want to admit it... I've always known that you never really cared about me.

When I started writing this I thought I would be addressing two people. I've written to the person who I thought was my friend... and then there's his girlfriend. I don't even want to say anything to her, about her or about the way she's affected me. I'm too tired... I'm so tired. Perhaps I should've written this when the rage was still coursing through me.  Now I'm just so done and just so far gone. I don't want to think about it any more because it hurts like hell and being angry is exhausting. So I wish I could say every mean thing that could possibly be said, I wish that I could just be a bitch about you... but you're just not worth it.

Have a nice life.

--J.

A Thousand Apologies

I know you may look at me and think, "Why is she such a freak?" or "Why can't she just relax and be easy?". Let me start off by apologising then... I'm sorry for being that person. 

I'm not and wasn't always the psychotic person that you've come to resent and ignore... I actually can be a pretty decent friend - I really hope that no matter how you feel about me now, you still remember that I was a good friend to you at one point and I was once able to make you laugh or smile. I hope you remember the good memories because when I think about my friends, that's what I think about and that's why it hurts to move on and let go because the memories will always be there. I remember the good times and I wish that I hadn't been the cause of there abrupt and unnecessary end. I care a lot about people and, needless to say, that the closer we are; the more I tend to care. I often get to a point where I begin to care too much and that's where things start to unravel and get intense... This is the point where people start freaking out and begin to run away (or are just pushed away by the the person I become).

My problem is that I panic instinctively and incessantly. When I feel someone drifting or there's a lack in attention for whatever reason, I start to panic. This is where I turn into an absolute, obsessive nightmare. I get so scared of losing someone that I latch on and cling to whatever remains of a relationship there may be. I attach myself so tightly so as to attempt to save a friendship that I feel that I am losing... even though I end up losing that friendship despite my bizarre efforts and I often get a lot more hurt through that process than I ever would have, had I simply just accepted my fate and not panicked in the first place.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for panicking and for freaking out. I'm sorry for being psychotic and intense all the time. I'm sorry that I pushed away people who actually cared about me but who got to the point where giving up on me was their only option. I'm sorry for thinking too much about absolutely everything and for being so emotional to the extent that you may have become overwhelmed, uncomfortable and unable to understand or tolerate me any longer. Please know that I'm sorry... and know that I wish somehow you could forgive or even learn to love me again... but I understand if you can't do that.

Please know that I've grown and changed quite a lot this year - hence my ability to admit and acknowledge that I have a very toxic problem regarding relationships. Please know that I am trying. I am really, really trying to get better and to be better and to just work on myself. I want to be someone you wouldn't mind talking to or making time to see. I want to be that friend that you can always count on having a good time with. I want to be that friend that you feel that you always confide in. I'm trying to be that person. I'm trying so hard to change... not just for the sake of my friends and future relationships but for my own sake as well because I don't want to get hurt again or live my life being sad for another moment further. 

Sigh.

I can't think of much else to say. I suppose I will end the way I began this post - by apologising yet again. I'm terribly sorry. I've grown up enough to realise that I have no one to blame but myself. 

--J.

"Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

I can't honestly be the only person on the planet who is frustrated with themselves for having an imagination. Thanks to romantic movies and novels, ridiculous happy endings and imagination able to fabricate morbidly unrealistic expectations and desires... I am doomed to a love life drenched in disappointments. The man of my dreams doesn't exist within a tangible or accessible reality. So then what of me? What do I do in terms of love if I know that what I am truly searching for, I will never find? 

How does one then know if they've ever found the best person for them? How do I know when to stop looking? Do I settle? I hate that idea. In fact the idea of settling makes me cringe. I haven't ever been in love but I just know that I want to do it right and not to ever live with regret. I know that wanting to not make any mistakes is unrealistic but I can't help but want to me happy from now on. I'm not even 19 but I've managed to become sick and tired of being miserable - I've been depressed enough for a life time in my opinion. I'm fighting so badly to be happy and I know that particularly in my case, any misstep I take(in relation to love) will just send me into regression that I am just not strong enough for.

Perhaps I am not being totally unrealistic in my expectations or standards when it comes to the kind of guy I want to be with. Maybe what I desire in a man is completely within the realm of possibility. Mr. Right may exist... He may just not be someone that I have met just yet. That could be possible right? I'm doubtful though... My imagination is definitely not a fan of being realistic so I don't know why I could ever trust it to be in a case that is so vulnerable and open to manipulation. 

I want a guy who is funny and sweet... You know, all the pretty standard stuff. I want what pretty much every girl wants in terms of personality... That desire relates to the side of me that is standard and basic. It's the other more quirky sides of me that give rise to the weirder kind of things that make me think I'll never truly find what I want. What if I'm too much of a weirdo to find a guy that will fit my personality just right?

I want a guy that will be weird like me and stare at clouds all they time... Because clouds are amazing, okay. I want someone who wants to hug and hold me all of the time because I feel loved through physical affection. I don't necessarily need a guy to kiss me all the time (that wouldn't be too bad either but it's not entirely necessarily). I don't think it's surprising at all but I'm definitely a cuddler. I want a guy who will put up with my teasing and tease me back... but more importantly, while I want someone I can have fun with like that, they need to know the line between teasing and rudeness. There's a fine line and some people have a really big problem with it. While I can stand and rather enjoy the whole teasing game, I'm still a huge softy and it's not difficult to hurt my feelings so it's important to me to find a guy who isn't going to take jabs at my self esteem (even if it's not necessarily intentional) but at the same time, encourages me not to take myself so seriously.

I want a guy who loves capturing beautiful moments or even not-so beautiful moments. I'm a creative person so I need a guy who has a creative streak somewhere within him. I can't be bored. I need a bit of fun and a bit of colour. That's just how I am. I need to bounce my creativity off of someone else with a return as well. At the same time though, I need a guy who is logical and intelligent to certain degree because not only do I find that extremely attractive but I need it. I need to be intellectually as well as creatively stimulated.

I want a guy who loves me no matter what I look like. I want a guy that will encourage me to dress up and sing Eric Clapton's 'Wonderful Tonight' in his head when he sees me. I want a guy who will love me and call me beautiful when I'm wearing pyjamas and when I wake up in the morning looking absolutely magical (note the sarcasm). When I'm with a guy, I don't ever want to feel ashamed of who I am or what I look like. That would mean that I'm not with the right guy if I base a negative opinion of myself on the expectations of a guy which are unrealistic for me to fulfil.

I want someone who is spontaneous while still structured. While I'm a fan of routine, I do love to be pleasantly surprised at times. I love attention to detail and those 'Awww babe!' moments - as weird as that may sound... I'm a sucker for mushy moments and romance so I need a guy who is going to make me feel special and who actually wants to make me feel special (What girl doesn't want to feel special). I'm not a total mush ball all the time though... Sometimes I can be a real grumpy monkey. That's my real problem - I'm so bipolar and all over the place... I want and need someone that is able to keep up with me in that way.

Perhaps the most important thing that I want in a guy is strong faith and spirituality. I'm a Christian and my faith is very important to me. If I want to spend my life with one other person, the Christian faith and  lifestyle is kind of a deal breaker. I love God before any man and that is how things will also be without negotiation and hesitation. I need a guy who respects God and who is able to be a spiritual leader of me and of a family I hope to one day have. That's a lot to ask for and a lot to expect of someone. I just hope that if I am ever attracted enough to someone, I'm not swayed so much as to compromise or settle for anything less than what I know I deserve and need. 

Is there a perfect guy... or a just a perfect guy for me at least? Will there ever be some one who will adore and love me fully? I don't even know if it's realistic or even healthy to expect that I an amazing guy will see me as good enough or worth falling for. For now, I suppose only time will tell.

--J.

"It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She'll put on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.

And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.
It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.

And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.""