Perhaps you'll never really understand me because I'll never be able to explain myself to you. I think all of my stupid issues came about as a result of some other more deeply-rooted problems... So everything is spun out of proportion and made a big deal of when it really ought not to be. It's really a shame. Imagine what I would be like if I wasn't such a psycho.
It's rather difficult for one to admit when they are wrong... Similarly, for me to admit that I react unnecessarily to certain things is an almost painful thing to do. In the moment, it is easy to justify my reactions and my emotions but as soon as I have been removed from that situation or enough time has elapsed, I am able to see just how stupid I have been in the past. I know a lot of people can relate to that because honestly, everybody makes mistakes... but I suppose I just feel like it's something I'm constantly doing and not actually learning from even though modifying or correcting my behaviour would save me from a lot of pain and trouble.
I can't dispute the fact that I am such a girl when it comes to certain things - really, I just mean that I am way too emotionally immersed in situations than I should be. Hence, I overreact and I say and do things that I shouldn't. I become obsessive and crazy about something that, in perhaps even the space of a few weeks, will mean absolutely nothing to me. I can't imagine why I don't realise that in my many moments of insanity. It's quite ludicrous and quite frankly, it's exhausting.
It's not really myself that I feel sorry for, it's more the people that happen to surround me at these particular times. I am ridiculous and just so incredibly stupid. I'm too much - I truly and honestly realise that. I can't, however, say that I have the means to resolve that issue or flaw in my personality. I do not know enough about my psyche that points to the initial events that sparked my resulting absurdity. I don't understand myself well enough to know of the root causes of my reactions and choices. I just know that there must be something - no one can be born like this... This is something the world does to you.
I've written blog posts similar to this one in that I've recognised the flaws that are characteristic of my personality. I've apologised for the lack of knowing what to do about said flaws. I don't really know what more to say other than sorry because it kind of is all I can say that seems appropriate. I've put people through hell because of stupid decisions I've made. I've driven people away from me because they no longer know how to deal with me or simply because they've had enough and don't want to have anything more to do with me. It's so so unfortunate and it makes me so incredibly disappointed in myself. I am so blessed - I am constantly and continuously being blessed with amazing people in my life but there is always something that I manage to do to drive those people away. It is amazing how I have the ability to be a really good friend on the one hand but then also a complete psychopath at times. It's unbelievably frustrating because I cannot think of an adequately traumatising experience that I would've had to go through that would make me like this.
I am so fortunate in that I have had just about the greatest childhood imaginable. I am so lucky and so blessed yet here I am, at the age of 19 having successfully driven people to madness and derision over my idiocy. How? I cannot confidently say... Perhaps those people that I have referred to may be able to provide some clarity surrounding that topic.
I could never begin to explain myself due to the fact that I have not yet begun to understand who I am or what I have become. All I can say for certain is that I am a lot more conscious of the way I act and react now than I used to be because I don't want to make the same stupid mistakes again. All I can say is that I am trying not to be the person that everybody thought I was... I'm changing - in fact, perhaps it can be said that I have changed somewhat already. I'm no longer the girl I was in high school - consistently dark and depressive... I would like to believe that I am more of a blessing instead of a burden in the lives of the people I come into contact with.
As long as I have the conviction to not be the emotional vampire that I once was, I believe that perhaps one day I will learn to be truly happy with who I am and proud of my ability to change for the better.
Look at me trying to be all self-revolutionary! In all honesty though, I have been made so much more aware of the blessing of true friends this year and I plan on appreciating the beautiful souls in my life. Being a psychopath has truly become a bore and I think that from now on I shall choose a happier kind of weirdness instead.
--J.
It's rather difficult for one to admit when they are wrong... Similarly, for me to admit that I react unnecessarily to certain things is an almost painful thing to do. In the moment, it is easy to justify my reactions and my emotions but as soon as I have been removed from that situation or enough time has elapsed, I am able to see just how stupid I have been in the past. I know a lot of people can relate to that because honestly, everybody makes mistakes... but I suppose I just feel like it's something I'm constantly doing and not actually learning from even though modifying or correcting my behaviour would save me from a lot of pain and trouble.
I can't dispute the fact that I am such a girl when it comes to certain things - really, I just mean that I am way too emotionally immersed in situations than I should be. Hence, I overreact and I say and do things that I shouldn't. I become obsessive and crazy about something that, in perhaps even the space of a few weeks, will mean absolutely nothing to me. I can't imagine why I don't realise that in my many moments of insanity. It's quite ludicrous and quite frankly, it's exhausting.
It's not really myself that I feel sorry for, it's more the people that happen to surround me at these particular times. I am ridiculous and just so incredibly stupid. I'm too much - I truly and honestly realise that. I can't, however, say that I have the means to resolve that issue or flaw in my personality. I do not know enough about my psyche that points to the initial events that sparked my resulting absurdity. I don't understand myself well enough to know of the root causes of my reactions and choices. I just know that there must be something - no one can be born like this... This is something the world does to you.
I've written blog posts similar to this one in that I've recognised the flaws that are characteristic of my personality. I've apologised for the lack of knowing what to do about said flaws. I don't really know what more to say other than sorry because it kind of is all I can say that seems appropriate. I've put people through hell because of stupid decisions I've made. I've driven people away from me because they no longer know how to deal with me or simply because they've had enough and don't want to have anything more to do with me. It's so so unfortunate and it makes me so incredibly disappointed in myself. I am so blessed - I am constantly and continuously being blessed with amazing people in my life but there is always something that I manage to do to drive those people away. It is amazing how I have the ability to be a really good friend on the one hand but then also a complete psychopath at times. It's unbelievably frustrating because I cannot think of an adequately traumatising experience that I would've had to go through that would make me like this.
I am so fortunate in that I have had just about the greatest childhood imaginable. I am so lucky and so blessed yet here I am, at the age of 19 having successfully driven people to madness and derision over my idiocy. How? I cannot confidently say... Perhaps those people that I have referred to may be able to provide some clarity surrounding that topic.
I could never begin to explain myself due to the fact that I have not yet begun to understand who I am or what I have become. All I can say for certain is that I am a lot more conscious of the way I act and react now than I used to be because I don't want to make the same stupid mistakes again. All I can say is that I am trying not to be the person that everybody thought I was... I'm changing - in fact, perhaps it can be said that I have changed somewhat already. I'm no longer the girl I was in high school - consistently dark and depressive... I would like to believe that I am more of a blessing instead of a burden in the lives of the people I come into contact with.
As long as I have the conviction to not be the emotional vampire that I once was, I believe that perhaps one day I will learn to be truly happy with who I am and proud of my ability to change for the better.
Look at me trying to be all self-revolutionary! In all honesty though, I have been made so much more aware of the blessing of true friends this year and I plan on appreciating the beautiful souls in my life. Being a psychopath has truly become a bore and I think that from now on I shall choose a happier kind of weirdness instead.
--J.
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