A while back - almost two weeks before Easter of this year - I decided to try out my own rendition of the (in)famous Master Cleanse. I looked up exactly how to do it and what I would need and then set a date for myself. I wanted to do something drastic and unexpected... I wanted to accomplish something that the people around me would never even attempt for themselves. I learnt a lot more than I expected and experienced challenges and pleasant surprises along the way.
I started out doing this with the intention to lose weight quickly - sustainability of this weight loss was not what I was concerned about or striving towards, I just wanted to test whether it could be done at all. I wanted to see if I could be that girl who could drastically lose weight in a short period time and have everybody stare and take notice. I was seeking some semblance of control in a midst of chaos that I could not seem to find relief or escape from. I don't think I understood, at the beginning, the amount of personal growth I was to undergo as my body withered away.
I literally lived on lemon water and a couple of teaspoons of honey every day. I would take a multivitamin and a Herbex supplement as well... I think that was mostly to ease my mother's nerve though. I think the hardest part was the in the beginning - around the first two to three days - when I really started to feel the hunger to a point where I walked around in perpetual discomfort. After that stage though, I genuinely didn't feel hungry any more. I developed strategies to distract myself and to compensate for the lack of food. I followed A LOT of food blogs and Instagram accounts and made a mental list of all of the amazing things I would be able to eat if I were to complete this challenge I had set for myself. I suppose that sounds like it would be counter-productive for some but I actually found it quite helpful. Another thing I realized after reaching about the half way mark was that a sense of hunger is largely a psychological response as opposed to a physical one. I was able to convince myself that I wasn't hungry and that I actually didn't need to eat... soon enough the desire to eat would go away. As my body got used to the lack of food, it also got easier because the hunger aches went away and I wasn't so heavily aware of food.
After a short while, I noticed the changes that I felt. I was extremely fatigued throughout the entire experience which can be expected - I wasn't putting any energy into my body besides the occasional cup of black coffee or green tea or an energy/vitamin effervescent. I wasn't just craving sleep, my muscles also felt incredibly weak and pretty much like mush by the end of it. I had to start leaving my res ten minutes earlier for classes because I just couldn't walk as fast. Stairs were a mission, unexpected detours were a definite no and as soon as I started moving around, all I wanted to do was sit or lie down again. I am not a frequent nap-taker but during this time, every time I happened to lie down on a soft surface I was out like a light. I mentally drained as well - I was still able to get work done throughout this time but it took me considerably longer to process things. Even in general conversation, it took me a while to answer questions that required a little more thought or contemplation. It was more annoying for me to be mentally slowed than physically. Sometimes I feel like my mind is kind of all I have going for me so I'd do my utmost to protect it.
Here are some important lessons I learnt while doing this 'cleanse':
1.) Be kind to yourself.
When I decided I was going to do this, I naturally got a lot of negative feedback from my family and friends. I expected this of course and I know it all came from a place of genuine concern for me. However, it meant that I was going into this alone essentially. My family and friends were more ready to catch me when I fell as opposed to helping me positively along the way. It was more a matter of trying to talk me out of it - which I understood. It just meant that I had to be my own source of encouragement. I had to be patient and gentle with myself in order to stay somewhat sane throughout the process. It was not a time in which I could afford to be dependent on anyone else. This was a period of growth and awareness within which there was no room for self doubt or self hate.
2.)Your personal conception of beauty is the one that matters.
I went into this with conception of beauty that was very much informed by socio-cultural circumstances. Skinny is pretty, fad dieting and weight loss pills... All of that jazz. Perfection is our disease of choice and unfortunately, as I realized quite abruptly in doing this, that I have been sick for a very long time. I have always considered the opinions of others way too highly when it comes to my physical appearance and I have never quite been able to shake it. I have always defined my beauty or lack thereof according to the preferences and expectations of absolute strangers. When I find that I am attracted to someone, my immediate thought is that I need to lose weight in order for them to like me. Even though I see girls of all shapes and sizes in happy and healthy relationships, I've always just assumed that in order for me to ever be able to attract someone I have to be thinner.
I pride myself on being somewhat of a gender rights activist as of late... I despise the idea of discrimination particularly when based on someone's anatomy. It just doesn't make any sense to me for people to be denied certain privileges and basic human dignities on the basis of a chromosome. It then dawned on me that my conception of beauty was formed on the basis of what men think of me and how attractive I am to them. However, it shouldn't matter at all to me how they view me for who are they to have any power whatsoever in determining my value and worth as a human being?
As long as I can stand in front of the mirror and like what I see and who I am solely on the basis of being myself, I am happy. I will no longer play victim to a twisted and elitist understanding and appreciation of beauty.
3.) Learn & be creative.
Not eating frees up your day quite considerably. I found it was a great time to draw and to write (even if it remained unpublished). Read a book, watch a water color art tutorial on YouTube, make an origami swan. Instead of feeding your stomach, feed your soul and your imagination... you'd be surprised as to just how hungry the other parts of your being are and how consistently you ignore them.
I mentioned earlier that I started following a lot of food blogs and Instagram accounts - this was partly for inspiration. I wanted to ensure that any food that I was to consume after having completed the cleanse was not only healthy but not boring or bland as well. I was delighted to find so many great ideas and recipes that express exactly what I was looking for. Expand your cooking repertoire and spice up an otherwise bland diet - for me, as a student I often have very little time to consume anything other than rice cakes, popcorn and tea...
4.) Smile
I went through a lot of really dull moments where I was plagued by fatigue, hunger, mild depression, work stress, etc. I had to force myself to smile sometimes and to laugh at jokes I found to be stupid to keep myself from spiraling down into a black abyss of despair. Even if your smile is wholly insincere, it relaxes your facial muscles and calms you on a physiological level. So just do it, okay? Trust me on this. If you're a cynic like me then smile sarcastically or in spite of someone else if you have to. There are an infinite amount of reasons to smile in this world even though those reasons are equally matched by reasons not to. I hate to say it because I am a proud nihilist and pessimist at the best of time but positivity is key in life.
5.) Be thankful.
I gained a lot of respect for people who go without food just because that is life for them - for the people who don't have a choice. I felt like a bit of a spoilt brat by giving up a life of apparent luxury on a very small scale but at any moment I could have given up on my goal and gone back to endlessly stuffing my face why millions of people are starving. I am truly blessed and my life overflows with grace. I am extremely thankful for my family and friends... regardless of their views on and opinions of my actions - the fact that they were present is most certainly a gift. I truly have far more than I deserve.
6.) Be proud.
By this I don't meant to condone arrogance or a boastfulness. I do however promote a quiet and humble pride (if that is not too paradoxical). As someone with very little confidence, this kind of achievement did wonders for me... especially in seeing the results of it. It is important to not limit yourself and a healthy pride in your achievements helps a lot in your affirmation of yourself. By achievements I don't mean you have to constantly be winning at life - that is certainly not how things are quite panning out for me... I mean that you should be proud in your success as well as in your failure because therein lies a lesson that you probably would not have learnt otherwise.
I can confidently say that I feel better about myself and about my body for having had this experience. I obviously gained back the weight I lost because it wasn't about sustainable weight loss after all but I don't think I've ever been happier with my body even though I am not at my thinnest. I also feel stronger mentally for having done this - the growth in terms of my self control and belief in my own ability has been amazing and invaluable. I am filled with gratitude.
I hope that you found this to be an interesting read and that it has given you something to think about. If you would like any more information about the type of cleanse I did or would like to look into any type of meditative or spiritual fast of any kind, comment below and I'll do my best to direct you to the best (and safest) sites for more information.
I do not promote or condone any sort of eating disorders of any kind - whether it be anorexia, bulimia, etc. If you know anyone who is suffering from either of these or a similar condition, please gently direct them to seek help or at least assure them of your willingness to support them. For more information about eating disorders and in order to contact treatment and support facilities in South Africa, please visit the following website --> http://eatingdisorderssa.com/
Have a wonderful day further! Be brave, be bold, be beautiful.
--J.
P.S. Below are some pictures I took while on my ten day journey just to give you some idea of what was going on. I suppose it's not particularly helpful seeing as I didn't take a 'before' photo but I lost about 8kgs at the end of it.
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