"Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

I can't honestly be the only person on the planet who is frustrated with themselves for having an imagination. Thanks to romantic movies and novels, ridiculous happy endings and imagination able to fabricate morbidly unrealistic expectations and desires... I am doomed to a love life drenched in disappointments. The man of my dreams doesn't exist within a tangible or accessible reality. So then what of me? What do I do in terms of love if I know that what I am truly searching for, I will never find? 

How does one then know if they've ever found the best person for them? How do I know when to stop looking? Do I settle? I hate that idea. In fact the idea of settling makes me cringe. I haven't ever been in love but I just know that I want to do it right and not to ever live with regret. I know that wanting to not make any mistakes is unrealistic but I can't help but want to me happy from now on. I'm not even 19 but I've managed to become sick and tired of being miserable - I've been depressed enough for a life time in my opinion. I'm fighting so badly to be happy and I know that particularly in my case, any misstep I take(in relation to love) will just send me into regression that I am just not strong enough for.

Perhaps I am not being totally unrealistic in my expectations or standards when it comes to the kind of guy I want to be with. Maybe what I desire in a man is completely within the realm of possibility. Mr. Right may exist... He may just not be someone that I have met just yet. That could be possible right? I'm doubtful though... My imagination is definitely not a fan of being realistic so I don't know why I could ever trust it to be in a case that is so vulnerable and open to manipulation. 

I want a guy who is funny and sweet... You know, all the pretty standard stuff. I want what pretty much every girl wants in terms of personality... That desire relates to the side of me that is standard and basic. It's the other more quirky sides of me that give rise to the weirder kind of things that make me think I'll never truly find what I want. What if I'm too much of a weirdo to find a guy that will fit my personality just right?

I want a guy that will be weird like me and stare at clouds all they time... Because clouds are amazing, okay. I want someone who wants to hug and hold me all of the time because I feel loved through physical affection. I don't necessarily need a guy to kiss me all the time (that wouldn't be too bad either but it's not entirely necessarily). I don't think it's surprising at all but I'm definitely a cuddler. I want a guy who will put up with my teasing and tease me back... but more importantly, while I want someone I can have fun with like that, they need to know the line between teasing and rudeness. There's a fine line and some people have a really big problem with it. While I can stand and rather enjoy the whole teasing game, I'm still a huge softy and it's not difficult to hurt my feelings so it's important to me to find a guy who isn't going to take jabs at my self esteem (even if it's not necessarily intentional) but at the same time, encourages me not to take myself so seriously.

I want a guy who loves capturing beautiful moments or even not-so beautiful moments. I'm a creative person so I need a guy who has a creative streak somewhere within him. I can't be bored. I need a bit of fun and a bit of colour. That's just how I am. I need to bounce my creativity off of someone else with a return as well. At the same time though, I need a guy who is logical and intelligent to certain degree because not only do I find that extremely attractive but I need it. I need to be intellectually as well as creatively stimulated.

I want a guy who loves me no matter what I look like. I want a guy that will encourage me to dress up and sing Eric Clapton's 'Wonderful Tonight' in his head when he sees me. I want a guy who will love me and call me beautiful when I'm wearing pyjamas and when I wake up in the morning looking absolutely magical (note the sarcasm). When I'm with a guy, I don't ever want to feel ashamed of who I am or what I look like. That would mean that I'm not with the right guy if I base a negative opinion of myself on the expectations of a guy which are unrealistic for me to fulfil.

I want someone who is spontaneous while still structured. While I'm a fan of routine, I do love to be pleasantly surprised at times. I love attention to detail and those 'Awww babe!' moments - as weird as that may sound... I'm a sucker for mushy moments and romance so I need a guy who is going to make me feel special and who actually wants to make me feel special (What girl doesn't want to feel special). I'm not a total mush ball all the time though... Sometimes I can be a real grumpy monkey. That's my real problem - I'm so bipolar and all over the place... I want and need someone that is able to keep up with me in that way.

Perhaps the most important thing that I want in a guy is strong faith and spirituality. I'm a Christian and my faith is very important to me. If I want to spend my life with one other person, the Christian faith and  lifestyle is kind of a deal breaker. I love God before any man and that is how things will also be without negotiation and hesitation. I need a guy who respects God and who is able to be a spiritual leader of me and of a family I hope to one day have. That's a lot to ask for and a lot to expect of someone. I just hope that if I am ever attracted enough to someone, I'm not swayed so much as to compromise or settle for anything less than what I know I deserve and need. 

Is there a perfect guy... or a just a perfect guy for me at least? Will there ever be some one who will adore and love me fully? I don't even know if it's realistic or even healthy to expect that I an amazing guy will see me as good enough or worth falling for. For now, I suppose only time will tell.

--J.

"It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She'll put on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.

And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.
It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.

And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.""

Perpetual Fear

I am a rather fearful person in general. If something has the potential to hurt me, then chances are that I will have a corresponding phobia of that thing. So fear is nothing new to me yet I have recently found myself to be facing the fear of one specific thing most prominently. I fear one particular person - one so-called friend... And it is the most painfully controlling thing I have ever experienced.

I'm an idiot. I really am and I know it all to well... I honestly don't think that I am mature enough to be able to change that about myself just yet. So for now, I'm stuck being a typical girl about everything. Over-thinking every little thing, making endless dramatic assumptions... I do all of that - in short I cause all of my own problems and feed my own fears. So therein lies the root of my problem and my current pain. My fear has grown to consume me as a result of my own mind's destructive nature.

It is perhaps the most belittling feeling to live in fear of someone... especially if you happen to care about that certain 'someone'. You feel like you're nothing. I didn't think it would possible for me to feel so incredibly small in the presence of another person - yet here I am, paralysed in fear. I hate feeling so utterly useless but I have yet to be able to control the way I feel. My emotions and therefore my fears have manifested themselves and have congealed to a certain extent that my relationship with this person has become my emotions - it has become fear itself.

I really do have this terrible habit of letting my mind and my emotions get the better of me... Hence my current situation. I am consumed with fear at the mere idea of one of my friends. I can't bring myself to send a text message without the rush and onslaught of negative thoughts and expectancy of rejection. I no longer have a healthy friendship because I'm too scared to attempt to even talk to this person despite my deep desire to. It's incredibly painful to experience such unnecessary inner conflict. 

I don't know how not to be fearful though. I hate rejection and I'm scared of every thing I say or do because I feel as though this person will hate me for something. I don't want to be at fault for ruining a relationship by saying or doing something stupid yet by being consumed by this fear is equally as detrimental. My fear has ruined me and stolen any semblance of joy I had.

I'm at a point where I'm just kind of going with the flow because I have the inability to take control. I can't make a decision regarding my relationship with the person I fear and my relationship with my fear itself. 

I feel lost and trapped at every turn. I don't have any bravery to spare. What do I do?

--J.