You're such a nice guy. "He's so sweet" they all said. I suppose they were right... Because you're a real sweetheart. Yet, you're a real nightmare at the same time.
I've never been quite so privileged as to be played so quickly or skilfully - I commend you on an incredible achievement. Looking back, I must say that I was very stupid to be so trusting... but then again, that's always been my problem. You and your psychoanalytical ways somehow managed to exploit that though.
I thought maybe you would be the type of guy that wouldn't be tempted to hurt me. It turns out that you had the nerve to pull a move on me that managed to break me in record time. You've known me for just under a month and yet here you are - a champion in my downfall. Perhaps it was just your luck that I'm vulnerable right now because I'm not in a place that is entirely safe to me yet and I'm missing home and I'm missing true, fully-fledged friends. You gave me one of the first real conversations that I've had since I've been at university. So maybe that's what hurt more and helped the pain to become established - the fact that you gave me a glimpse of something real and then took it from me within a matter of hours and at the same time, you managed to show me just how much I left behind.
Even in the face of this fresh betrayal, I still want to speak to you. I still want to talk about things that go deeper than 'nice weather today' or 'let's go clubbing tonight'. You seem to be the only person except my room mate and a friend from high school that I have been able to have a deeper-level conversation with. SIGH. I know how much you hate it when I sigh... particularly because I do it all the time... And because I actually say the word 'sigh' when I sigh. SIGH. I wish you weren't such an asshole... Because I miss you and it sucks so much because I just want to be genuinely and wholly furious at you... I deserve to be.
You made yourself out to be a guy that is somewhat honourable... Yet it turns out that you're quite the player and you clearly don't mind leading girls on and then letting them down harshly. I'm still in shock actually... I don't understand how you can be okay with what you did. Especially since you claim to know how I felt or feel (I don't know!). Jeez... this is terrible.
You used and abused me. Was I seriously just something to look at until you could get your hands on what you really wanted?? An interim? Seriously?! I'm angry and I'm hurt beyond anything I ever thought I'd feel in regards to you.
I thought it was a gentle let down at first until my room mate came running into our room and told me you were here... to see someone else. I felt the blood drain from my face. And now there are new scars... That's how crap you made me feel. I suppose it's not fair to blame you quite for that because it was my choice to relapse into cutting again but hey... you definitely helped the cause.
Just as it turns out, I see you leaving. The Walk Of Shame. And you looked at me... There was ice in your eyes as you breathed a crushing Hello. Somehow, among the crowd of people who didn't notice... You noticed the scars on my right side, just beneath the curve of my waist. You asked me what happened and in a panicked rush, I mumbled,"Shit happens." Before you could really reply, we were swept back into the company. I still don't know why and how you of all people saw it. Why were looking at my body? Why?? After you had just been with another girl? After we had been together. I know it's not a serious offence because it's not like we're together or even really involved at all but still... You knew how I felt, or might have felt... Why did you do that? Why did you show up knowing that I'd see you with her or hear about it? Did you want to hurt me? Did I do something to make you want to hurt me?
Why did you send me over an edge? I relapsed thanks to your final contribution. I was doing so well... Sigh. Here I am now, facing the flack for the choices I've now made and what I've done - my own blood on my hands. I'm forced into offering explanations when I, myself, don't even understand. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. I can't keep doing this... I just can't. Why couldn't you be the nice guy you were in those first few moments? And why couldn't I see last night's occurrences coming from your damn stupid 'warning'??
WHY.
--J.
