Green Light

I've been living my life, for the most part, as a spectator of my own existence. I don't think it's particularly normal for a 19 year old girl to feel so much guilt in not having lived when I have so much time left... But that's just it. I don't have that much time left at all or at least it would be foolish to assume that I am going to live forever. I could die at any moment yet all I can seem to be compelled to do with my life is watch and wait...

I felt inspired by The Great Gatsby and the idea of the green light. I feel like I'm perpetually waiting and wishing for someone to come - like I'm looking out into the distance and holding onto any semblance of hope that something is coming. I'm holding onto hope itself.

I feel like I am constantly living outside of myself and I am just watching everything slip away from me... only to be reminded of it in my dreams. I am constantly looking back into my past and wishing that I could have the opportunity to relive the happiness and correct the sadness. I'm stuck and I'm blinded... I'm mesmerized by my own sort of green light.

Perhaps the waiting is a good thing - maybe I am being prepared for whatever is in store for me or maybe my patience is simply just being tested... But I fear that I won't know what is reality and what is the teasing image of my deepest desires. 

I wish I was no longer waiting...

--J.

My interpretation of the green light - Watercolour & Penci; Mixed Media