Restless Guilt

I had an amazing night. Bliss and laughter were gently resting in my hands while my thoughts gently buzzed and wafted around in my mind. Thoughts go a wry at times and they certainly did last night.I managed to ruin one of the most special nights I've had in a matter of minutes with nothing other than a few careless words and an overly-used cell phone.

It's funny how it is possible for one thought, one memory and one expectation, when applied with the appropriate urgency and senselessness,can stick and overwhelm one's mind. It's like a disease, a means of blinding one to all reason and denying any possible grasp of logic. Hence my anger at my stupidity. I feel like I've hurt two people very dear to me... I feel like I've used them in attempt to satisfy my selfish expectations and it's left me sick to my stomach.

Needless to say that I made use of certain opportunities afforded to me by my new-founded adulthood... it was an excuse. A means to be forgiven or at least understood for the stupid decisions I could've possibly made. I used it as a vessel because I'm a coward and I needed the liquid courage to continue to be selfish in my physical neediness. All it did was make my mind reel, all it did was make me say things that I know regret.

I don't know what it is about me or how I think when it comes to guys. I suppose that I confuse strong attraction with actually having feelings for someone. If that is the case, I have only truly liked very few guys. In a way I've sort of developed a method of sabotaging myself by convincing myself that I have feelings for people who I am genuinely just merely attracted to and who, at the same time, are nice to me. I cringe at the fact that I may be as shallow as the poisonous society I claim to despise.

I had hinged the quality of my night's experience on the singular  expectation of one thing. A kiss. I had my first kiss last year on my 17th birthday - needless to say it was magical. It was also addictive and I miss thee feelings associated with it... Therefore stemmed the deeply-rooted desire to kissed, once again, on my birthday this year. 

I was luckily enough to be in the company of two fantastic friends of mine who I happen to be attracted to. Because of the way my mind works, I claim to like them as more than friends. The truth is that I don't and it turns out that I am not as scandalous as I wish I could be. I just really enjoy spending time with each of them... they're both exciting somehow and different and when I'm with either of them, I don't take life so seriously for a change and it's just so much easier to have fun. However, as a result of my stupidity and lack of better judgement,those two guys probably want anything to do with me for the next little while. I don't exactly blame them.

I couldn't fall asleep last night- a mixture of guilt and that notorious liquid courage I alluded to earlier. I lay awake thinking about the stupid things I had said along with the ignored apologies that followed directly after. I eventually fell asleep only to wake up at 4AM. The next sleepless hour consisted of restless re-positioning and more frantic thinking and guilt... accompanied by that sickening, aching feeling still residing in my chest.

The want of one stupid kiss... 

What I Think He Thinks

I watched her eyes light up when she saw me approaching her. I didn't know quite what it was about her... but she just wasn't good enough.

I could use her if I wanted to because she's just that type of girl - obliging and and kind-hearted. For some reason her willingness is off-putting and her kindness is somehow too condemning for me to allow my attraction to her. 

She is a good friend and listens well... She's convenient and easy. Although she has all the qualities of a perfectly decent person, she doesn't evoke desirability in the slightest. I pity her because she tries so hard and yet is never able to get what she wants... and I'm not about to give it to her.

I can see just how much she wants from me... It makes one uneasy because she seems to want so much so very quickly. It doesn't make sense for one girl to fall so quickly. One would assume that she is desperate in the way she clutches to emotion because there is no other explanation that fits her personality, is there?

She isn't fat but she isn't quite thin enough, she isn't ugly but she isn't quite pretty enough. There's just something about her that doesn't quite attract me to her. It doesn't matter how kind she is to me or how well she listens or how giving she is... It isn't enough...

She'll never be good enough... I can't help that she isn't. It's not her fault either to a certain extent but it has to be partially, doesn't it?

When she looks me in the eyes, I know her heart is jumping. When she hugs me, I know that she never really wants to let go but does so for my sake. When she says goodbye she means "don't leave me" but I don't recognise that. When she teases me she wants me to do the same but sometimes I just stop trying because it's easier to and I know she'll take it because she doesn't have any other choice. When I talk, I know she'll always be available to listen. I will only ever love her as a friend because that's all she could ever be worth...

--J.

Tricky Times

You think you haven't changed in the slightest while you claim that I've moved a million miles away from you. I have not taken a single step back. I have been here the entire time regardless of how I've felt. I can't believe that you could ever think that I would ever leave you.

You blame me for the rift that has managed to grow between us... but why is everything suddenly my fault? Is it so hard for you to admit that you're part of the problem as well? What do I have to do to make you see that I haven't changed the way I am with you... You've changed in the way you treat me so it is only natural that my responses would be different. Is it not insane to expect me to be the same when you, yourself, are not?

We had a long and tiring discussion about how we feel and about what's going on but I don't think you heard or truly understood anything that I said. You say that I'm just being overly sensitive lately and therefore I'm overreacting to what you do and say. I'm not overly sensitive... but I am sensitive to the fact that the way you treat me has changed significantly. You have a girlfriend now so naturally our relationship was inevitably going to change in some way, shape or form but for some reason it has gotten really bad and really complicated within a span of about a month. I don't understand how you could justify yourself in thinking that I'm the only person who has changed.

If anything you've changed the most. It's YOUR relationship and YOUR decision to pursue a relationship that has caused a change to occur because your relationship is, in itself, a change. It's ridiculous that you could even think that our friendship would remain the same. You're different and there is no denying it... I'm probably different too but that doesn't spell disaster and it should definitely not be a deal breaker between us. I'm happy you're in a relationship and I wish that you continue with it because it makes you happy. 

You know that part of the reason why I have felt the way I do- namely hurt and lonely- is because I feel as though I am constantly judged by outsiders for my actions within my relationship with you and with others. I'm confused as to why I am the one to blame. Why, because you're the one in a relationship, do you suddenly gain immunity to all negative outsider opinion? Why is the adulterous woman stoned and the sinful man left unscarred and innocent? Why do they flings stones at me to break my bones and crush my soul but you come off as pure as those innocent bystanders merely watching me die?

Right now I'm dealing with being left in the shadows. I need to find my own way into the light... I can't accept the help of anyone else because it is a battle that I have to fight. I only ask that you stop casting darkness upon me by expecting me to be okay. I'm not okay... I'm not happy either. I can't exactly help that I feel that way and I'm definitely not feeling like this on purpose. 

How can you think that I wouldn't withstand such torment for you? Why do you think that I'm just going to leave and therefore it is somehow okay for you to treat me without and ounce of respect. I know what's happened to you in the past. I know that you had a best friend left you without so much as a word... She just left you and hurt you. I'm not her though and my relationship with you is not the relationship that you lost with her. Your past experiences seem to be the only justification I have thought of for the way you handle our relationship and the conflicts that may arise. When I get upset with you and show anger towards you, you see it as the end of everything between us. You don't seem to think that our relationship is worth fighting for because you know what it's like to blindly fight for something that is not of any importance to the other person involved. You should know I will fight for you and I wish that you would stop prematurely condemning me. Your attitude towards me has changed and you can't deny it because I know you - there's a reason why I'm your best friend.

Yes, I have distanced myself somewhat because I'm scared and don't feel safe and as a result your subconscious response has been to shut down to me in the only way you know to be possible. You can't stand the idea of someone having enough power over you enough to hurt you which leads you to end anything before the other person can. The way you've been with me, the way you react to my responses and my feelings shows that you're giving up by taking any small sign of conflict and labelling it as more than it actually is. You think I'm going to leave you because you've been scarred by someone in my position before. You don't know what it's like to be fought for. You haven't ever been loved by someone like I love you. You don't see that I will never let you go. I will always be right here... I always have been here. I haven't moved an inch.

My primary love language is physical affection which basically means that I feel most loved through physical association with people. Hence, when my relationships - particularly the physical part - change I take it badly because the change can make me feel as though you're not going to love me in the same way and that you're, in a way, taking love away from me. The reality may be that the change may not cause you to love me any less but because of the kind of changes and the new boundaries that are put into place, it doesn't matter what you say or what I claim to understand... I subconsciously feel unloved... I can't help it.

I hope you know that I love you... And that I will always love you. I can't think of anything that would cause me not to love you... You could hurt me and break me and leave me like so many people that have before you... I will still love you. Nothing is going to change that for me. 

I just need you to stop blaming me for the tricky times and to stop expecting me to be perfectly fine and happy... On the other hand, don't expect me to give up either.

I love you.

--J.

The Crazy Thing Is...

You've shut me down countless times. In the moment, it hurts me but for some reason I get over it and constantly get drawn back to you. It's a very inconvenient habit.

I really don't want to like you any more. It's getting to be very high maintenance and I honesty don't think you're worth it. That sounds terrible but I don't think anyone would be worth it. I've dealt with and understand that you have absolutely no feelings for me yet why do I still torture myself in wanting to spend time with you. It's an insane and unhealthy practice that I shouldn't be wasting my time on. You don't want me so why do I insist on wanting you.

I hate that I want you because it hurts to want you. The worst part of it all is that I can't blame you or anyone else for any of it because it's ALL my fault. I didn't wish this upon myself but I am clearly the only person to blame for the way I act and feel. I can't blame you for being yourself and you can't help that you just happen to be someone I'm very attracted to just as you can't help that I just happen to be someone that you're not attracted to at all.

It's disheartening to say the least especially at a time when I feel so lonely in comparison to everyone else. Even you call me a loner yet you're in no way capable of changing that for me. I can't do anything about it because there is no one currently in my life that I want but who also wants me back. It's difficult to be okay with being alone when you're someone like me who craves the attention and affirmation of other people.

I'm a person who is heavily dependent on my associations and relationships with other people because I'm a people person. I hate that fact about myself sometimes because I end up like this. Insanely and endlessly blogging about a guy that will never ever have feelings for me but who insists on being a perfectly "nice person". I don't like that I'm so obsessed and controlled by the whole situation.

The crazy and saddening reality about it, though, is that as much as I want to move on and just be happy and chilled about life I know I can't be. There is no remedy to these feelings except perhaps time and separation which is what I hope to get next year when I go to university. 

Otherwise, there is no changing because I'll always be drawn to this perfectly wonderful guy while being blinded to everything else around me... Because when I fall, I fall hard... And it sucks.

--J.

Noose Around My Neck

I woke up with a noose around my neck. Is this what it's like to wake up in hell?

It's painful to think of everything together. That's why I'd rather not think at all. When I think, I'm unhappy because I somehow manage to remember everything bad experience that I've ever been through. I think too much and I forget about all of the good that I've got. 

I'm feeling lost at the moment... adrift amidst a sea of people that hold no comfort for me. Even among my best friends I feel as though I'm an imposition. I feel as though no matter how happy I try to make them... there will always be someone that will make them happier and someone who they would prefer to make them happier.

It's sickening to a point where I can feel myself shutting down and just simply avoiding interaction with pretty much everyone. It's as though even if people want me there, I don't feel that they want me there. That's why I isolate myself merely to avoid any possible rejection from them. It's painful... because they're my best friends and I want to spend time with them... but I've just given up. I just want to get lost in pretty much anything else just so that I don't have to deal with that any more. 

It kind of hurts. I see the people that I love with people who make them really happy and that makes me happy but it just re-affirms the fact that I'm no longer needed. So I don't see the problem in me disappearing entirely.

I just find it easier to give in... As long as they're happy I'll be okay. If that means that I step out of the way and let someone else in, then so be it.

Even though it hurts me, I love my friends enough to take on a world full of pain, enough to live with a noose around my neck... enough to go through hell.

--J.

I Know What I Want

Today I felt my heart do a back flip. I was lying in my bed on the verge of full consciousness but still happily dreaming - dreaming of you. When I woke up I got this sinking feeling because you weren't there and I realised something. I wish that I didn't want you.

My timing is, once again, terrible. Therefore I cannot say that I want a relationship from you because it would spell disaster. I can't help that I feel the way that I do despite the fact that I can't be with you. I don't want to be in a relationship with you merely because I know it can't be sustained but I still want you.

I know I can't make the same mistake twice. In fact this time last year I was caught in a similar situation which ended up taking everything out of me. It practically killed me because I was unrealistic in what I wanted and expected. I know now that I can't want the same thing because I just can't afford to get hurt again. I'm not going to spend 6 months being held in a lurch formulated by my own expectations and fantasies. I can't cry that much again... I can't be hurt like that again.

I'm still the same person. I haven't been able to completely do away with emotion... it's too much a part of me for me to be able to do that. However, the difference between me and the girl I was last year is that I know what I can't have and what I can. I'm not going to enter blindly into something that I have no business in entering. I just want you to hold me, kiss me, want me... without attachment to something bigger. I don't want you to fall in love with me, I just want to be loved. I don't want romance, I just want passion. Yes, it is possible for me to not want more and more. You don't seem to understand that there is something extremely important that is going to prevent me from becoming attached to you... I don't want to get hurt. I'm not going to let you hurt me. I refuse to be hurt again.

I'm not saying I'm not going to be myself... because of course I would be myself. I will be a friend to like I've always been... I'll always do anything for you because that is always what I've done. That has nothing to do with any feelings I have for you... That's how I treat everybody so I wouldn't feel particularly special if I were you... 

You say that you hide and do away with emotions... You doubt the fact that I can do the same thing. You can trust me to not obsess over you because I know that I can't count on a relationship with you... That doesn't mean I don't want you. That sounds terrible but that's just my conscience speaking. I don't want innocence.

I want you.

--J.