Restless Guilt

I had an amazing night. Bliss and laughter were gently resting in my hands while my thoughts gently buzzed and wafted around in my mind. Thoughts go a wry at times and they certainly did last night.I managed to ruin one of the most special nights I've had in a matter of minutes with nothing other than a few careless words and an overly-used cell phone.

It's funny how it is possible for one thought, one memory and one expectation, when applied with the appropriate urgency and senselessness,can stick and overwhelm one's mind. It's like a disease, a means of blinding one to all reason and denying any possible grasp of logic. Hence my anger at my stupidity. I feel like I've hurt two people very dear to me... I feel like I've used them in attempt to satisfy my selfish expectations and it's left me sick to my stomach.

Needless to say that I made use of certain opportunities afforded to me by my new-founded adulthood... it was an excuse. A means to be forgiven or at least understood for the stupid decisions I could've possibly made. I used it as a vessel because I'm a coward and I needed the liquid courage to continue to be selfish in my physical neediness. All it did was make my mind reel, all it did was make me say things that I know regret.

I don't know what it is about me or how I think when it comes to guys. I suppose that I confuse strong attraction with actually having feelings for someone. If that is the case, I have only truly liked very few guys. In a way I've sort of developed a method of sabotaging myself by convincing myself that I have feelings for people who I am genuinely just merely attracted to and who, at the same time, are nice to me. I cringe at the fact that I may be as shallow as the poisonous society I claim to despise.

I had hinged the quality of my night's experience on the singular  expectation of one thing. A kiss. I had my first kiss last year on my 17th birthday - needless to say it was magical. It was also addictive and I miss thee feelings associated with it... Therefore stemmed the deeply-rooted desire to kissed, once again, on my birthday this year. 

I was luckily enough to be in the company of two fantastic friends of mine who I happen to be attracted to. Because of the way my mind works, I claim to like them as more than friends. The truth is that I don't and it turns out that I am not as scandalous as I wish I could be. I just really enjoy spending time with each of them... they're both exciting somehow and different and when I'm with either of them, I don't take life so seriously for a change and it's just so much easier to have fun. However, as a result of my stupidity and lack of better judgement,those two guys probably want anything to do with me for the next little while. I don't exactly blame them.

I couldn't fall asleep last night- a mixture of guilt and that notorious liquid courage I alluded to earlier. I lay awake thinking about the stupid things I had said along with the ignored apologies that followed directly after. I eventually fell asleep only to wake up at 4AM. The next sleepless hour consisted of restless re-positioning and more frantic thinking and guilt... accompanied by that sickening, aching feeling still residing in my chest.

The want of one stupid kiss...