You've shut me down countless times. In the moment, it hurts me but for some reason I get over it and constantly get drawn back to you. It's a very inconvenient habit.
I really don't want to like you any more. It's getting to be very high maintenance and I honesty don't think you're worth it. That sounds terrible but I don't think anyone would be worth it. I've dealt with and understand that you have absolutely no feelings for me yet why do I still torture myself in wanting to spend time with you. It's an insane and unhealthy practice that I shouldn't be wasting my time on. You don't want me so why do I insist on wanting you.
I hate that I want you because it hurts to want you. The worst part of it all is that I can't blame you or anyone else for any of it because it's ALL my fault. I didn't wish this upon myself but I am clearly the only person to blame for the way I act and feel. I can't blame you for being yourself and you can't help that you just happen to be someone I'm very attracted to just as you can't help that I just happen to be someone that you're not attracted to at all.
It's disheartening to say the least especially at a time when I feel so lonely in comparison to everyone else. Even you call me a loner yet you're in no way capable of changing that for me. I can't do anything about it because there is no one currently in my life that I want but who also wants me back. It's difficult to be okay with being alone when you're someone like me who craves the attention and affirmation of other people.
I'm a person who is heavily dependent on my associations and relationships with other people because I'm a people person. I hate that fact about myself sometimes because I end up like this. Insanely and endlessly blogging about a guy that will never ever have feelings for me but who insists on being a perfectly "nice person". I don't like that I'm so obsessed and controlled by the whole situation.
The crazy and saddening reality about it, though, is that as much as I want to move on and just be happy and chilled about life I know I can't be. There is no remedy to these feelings except perhaps time and separation which is what I hope to get next year when I go to university.
Otherwise, there is no changing because I'll always be drawn to this perfectly wonderful guy while being blinded to everything else around me... Because when I fall, I fall hard... And it sucks.
--J.
No comments:
Post a Comment