I Know What I Want

Today I felt my heart do a back flip. I was lying in my bed on the verge of full consciousness but still happily dreaming - dreaming of you. When I woke up I got this sinking feeling because you weren't there and I realised something. I wish that I didn't want you.

My timing is, once again, terrible. Therefore I cannot say that I want a relationship from you because it would spell disaster. I can't help that I feel the way that I do despite the fact that I can't be with you. I don't want to be in a relationship with you merely because I know it can't be sustained but I still want you.

I know I can't make the same mistake twice. In fact this time last year I was caught in a similar situation which ended up taking everything out of me. It practically killed me because I was unrealistic in what I wanted and expected. I know now that I can't want the same thing because I just can't afford to get hurt again. I'm not going to spend 6 months being held in a lurch formulated by my own expectations and fantasies. I can't cry that much again... I can't be hurt like that again.

I'm still the same person. I haven't been able to completely do away with emotion... it's too much a part of me for me to be able to do that. However, the difference between me and the girl I was last year is that I know what I can't have and what I can. I'm not going to enter blindly into something that I have no business in entering. I just want you to hold me, kiss me, want me... without attachment to something bigger. I don't want you to fall in love with me, I just want to be loved. I don't want romance, I just want passion. Yes, it is possible for me to not want more and more. You don't seem to understand that there is something extremely important that is going to prevent me from becoming attached to you... I don't want to get hurt. I'm not going to let you hurt me. I refuse to be hurt again.

I'm not saying I'm not going to be myself... because of course I would be myself. I will be a friend to like I've always been... I'll always do anything for you because that is always what I've done. That has nothing to do with any feelings I have for you... That's how I treat everybody so I wouldn't feel particularly special if I were you... 

You say that you hide and do away with emotions... You doubt the fact that I can do the same thing. You can trust me to not obsess over you because I know that I can't count on a relationship with you... That doesn't mean I don't want you. That sounds terrible but that's just my conscience speaking. I don't want innocence.

I want you.

--J.