Day 1 to "I Used To Be Fat"

So needless to say that I've always struggled with a negative self-image and dismal self esteem. That is largely as a result of my weight. I've never been happy with my weight - for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be thinner or rather, more like my beautiful friends who all had their skinniness in common. I wanted to be skinny - I still want to be skinny. 

In grade 11, I decided to give up luxuries (junk food; food with excess sugar and salt; fizzy cool-drink etc.)and I managed to lose a lot of weight to a point where people actually thought I was sick or suffering from an eating disorder of some kind. I didn't think that my weight loss then had any reason to be a cause for concern - I was so incredibly happy about finally seeing change and progress. My motivation behind finally deciding to eat healthily was the desire to impress a boy... This boy was a health freak, a sport science student and my cricket coach who I was so smitten with. I did absolutely everything I could to attract and hold his attention. It was a toxic infatuation that consumed me for a very long time. Although I was in a process of becoming physically healthier, my mental health was definitely at a low. I found that the best way to capture his attention was to damage myself and then appeal for his help. He was and is a good person so of course he attempted to reach out to me and help a very stupid little girl. Eventually he got tired of helping me and my friendship with him fell apart because I failed to be a friend to him due to the fact that I was too busy trying to win his affection in a negative way. That being said, he started something within me that showed me that I have the ability to change and to do something about my body. 

I've gained almost 10 kilograms since my lowest weight of 62 in grade 11 (2011). Even though I probably weigh the most I ever have, I don't think it's the fattest I've ever been. Maybe it's an air of complacency or a beginning to finally accepting myself and my body. Perhaps I look completely hideous now but I just don't care anymore? I don't know... I feel like my body looks a lot better now than it used to despite me being technically heavier. Nevertheless, I am still weight and body-obsessed as I have always been but my motivation is not as it was when I cut out processed and junk foods from my diet two years ago.

I have reached a point where I go back and forth from one side of the spectrum to the other. Either I am dead-set on losing weight in order to reach my dream body goal or I am so unmotivated that I feel like there's no reason to be worried with eating healthily. Sometimes I think 'I have no one to impress? What's the point of trying to look my best when no one is going to take note or appreciate it?

Last night I watched a TV show called "I Used To Be Fat" on MTV. I almost cried while watching it because I could almost exactly relate to the girl in that particular episode. I want to be able to look at myself and not want to change anything and everything about the way I look. I want to feel worthy and proud of my progress and ability to accomplish what I had previously imagined to be impossible. I want to love my body instead of loathing every inch of the prison I exist within. 

So I have decided to blog my journey to health and the ideal body. I will eventually get to a place where I will be able to get to say "I used to be fat". I will be blogging my daily experiences and encounters with particular reference to what I eat, what I drink and the amount of exercise I do. I'll also be keeping record of weekly weight loss. My hope is that I will be held accountable to committing to a healthier lifestyle by blogging about it every day. 

I skipped breakfast today because I only woke up after 10.30am. I still haven't eaten anything today. I've had beetroot juice and a cup of coffee up until now. I have a serious craving for pancakes at the moment (are you beginning to see why I'm struggling to lose the weight I want to). I want my pancakes though! I don't exactly want this journey to skinniness to be one of deprivation. I just need to make sure to factor in some kind of exercise today. I'm also going out tonight so I will be drinking - a massive intake of empty calories. I suppose that's not too great of an attempt to be healthy but I'm not going to give up my social life. Truth be told, I'd probably much rather be fat with friends than skinny and all alone. Ideally, I'd be skinny with friends but that is going to take a lot of time and work.

Oh well, here's day number 1. The beginning.

--J.

Full-On Love

Take me by the hand

Take me by surprise.

Sneak up behind me,

Grab me by the waist - 

Just to give me a taste

Of what adoration

Feels like.

It should feel right

When you hold me tight

Like I'm all you want

And all you need.

Buy me flowers

For no reason

Just because no one

Has ever done that for me

Before.

Show me just a little bit more

Of your heart.
Tell me that I'm beautiful
Tell me that I'm magical...
Even though I'm average,
Even though you
Could do so much better.
Never let me go,
Make sure that I know
Why you chose me
Over everybody 
Else...
Even though 
It'll never make sense
To me.
Make me dance in the rain
Let's be cliche' 
And insane...
But only when you know
That I haven't
Just done my hair.
Show me that 
You care.
Even when I can be
Unbearable...
Tell me I'm unforgettable.
Whisper all the stupid things
That make me roll my eyes
Because I've been trying to pretend
That I don't want those
Warm, fuzzy feelings -
Those head-reeling,
Heart-leaping,
Too-good-to-be-true feelings.

Kiss me on the forehead

On my chin,

Then on my cheeks

North

South 

West
East.

And repeat...

Until we're dizzy

Until we're spinning - 

Until we're in love.

Because I can't wait

To know what that feels like,

To BE what that looks like.

Don't use the 'L' word -

Keep me in suspense

Make me tense

And stressed with the desire 

To please you.

Expect my best,

Accept my worst...
Quench my thirst
For a full-on love.