A Dream To Remember

If anything at least I kind of know what it would be like to be wanted by you now. I don't know why I dreamt about you last night considering that I gave up on my feelings for you so long ago. You weren't even on my mind... but apparently you're still in my dreams.

I don't know whether it is a blessing or a curse to have a vivid imagination. I can remember every detail of what you did and what you said in that dream... I almost wish it hadn't happened. Once again my fantasy has successfully beat out my reality. I found myself struggling to get up this morning because all I wanted to do was dream of you some more.

I know that it was just a dream and that the 'you' that I met in my mind is probably the furthest thing from who you are in reality. I know that the situation in my dream will never be something that spills over into the real world. It's just not possible for anything remotely similar to occur as long as you're the guy that I want to be with. I've moved on - I really have. I've accepted what can't happen and therefore I'm moving on to better things because I know what I deserve. Sigh, but there's no denying that that dream was freaking amazing.

I'm almost scared to divulge in the details - not because it was particularly steamy or anything but just because I don't want to make a huge deal about it... Then again I suppose that by even just starting this blog post, that ship sailed a long time ago. It was nothing hectic really... It was just romantic - like movie-type romance. 

The part of the dream that I'm tripping over is the part where you kissed me. You were shy and slightly awkward but adoring and gentle... And it seemed as though all you wanted was to love me. You were so cute! It was adorable and surreal because I can remember a time not too long ago when that was probably all that I ever wanted in life. I guess you could say that I finally got what I wanted - just not in the way that I expected to. Haha! I sound so delusional right now... Okay, okay I'm done being stupid. It was just one of those dreams that you don't want to end because nothing in your current reality can live up to it. It was a magical moment.

I kind of can't wait to go to sleep again tonight. I love my dreams - they're always exciting and hilarious to talk about. I also can't wait to make magical moments and memories within my reality as well. Perhaps then I can blog about something that has actually happened to me! Fingers crossed hey - all in good time.

Thank you for reading my ramblings, Teacups!

--J.

A Letter To Roslyn

Dear Ma

Yes, it's me... Jillian. I'm your granddaughter. No, I'm not Michelle. I know it confuses you sometimes because I'm taller than her now and you remember us as little kids. I'm in my first year of varsity at Stellenbosch University... I'm no longer in school any more. You ask me almost every time that you see me - I'm studying BA Humanities and I know you're proud of me because you tell me every time you get the chance to. Thank you Ma.

That man that you're sitting next to on the couch, he's Pa Clive. He's not some strange man. No, Paul didn't bring you here... Pa did. I know you don't like Pa sometimes because he wronged you once upon a time - sometimes the dark times are all you can remember about him. He takes care of you now. You live in a really nice complex and you like it there. I know sometimes you want to go back to your house in District Six... But I'm sorry Ma - it's not there any more.

Your mother passed away a while ago... so you can't go and visit her, Ma. You've been asking a lot about Aunty Libby lately... but she's been with Jesus since 2009. You've always asked about her the most. Uncle Joey, Uncle Stan & Aunty Mary have passed on too... I've never heard you ask about them, I don't think. I suppose it's because you and Aunty Libby were so close. I remember how much time you spent together - particularly the time leading up to her passing. I know you miss her so much and it confuses you terribly when you don't remember that she's no longer with us. Sometimes I think that maybe you wouldn't have gotten Alzheimer's if she was still around... but it's not fair for me to just assume that. I wish she was still here too.

I wish I could take away all of your frustration and all of the confusion. I wish there was a cure. I feel like one day you'll just snap and you won't remember a thing - I'm scared you won't remember me and the rest of your family. It's incredibly scary... I can't do anything but pray and ask God for strength - for you, for our family, for me. Your mind started to slip so suddenly... It's strange to think that this time last year, it wasn't like this. 

I don't care how many times I have to tell you how old I am or remind you which one of the men in the room is your son, Michael... I love you, Ma. I will love you for as long as eternity allows. You are an inspiration to me - you taught me kindness but also how to be sharp. Alzheimer's may steal your memory but nothing can take away from your incredible sense of wit. Nothing could ever make you look weak in my eyes. 

I'm so incredibly proud to be your granddaughter and I love you... If there was anything that I wish you could remember forever, it'd be that.

--J.

Have A Nice Life

Am I supposed to be able to forgive you and move on with my life? How can I forgive you or not remain somewhat angered by the fact that you caused me so much pain? I'm trying to forgive you because it is the right thing to do and because I can't live with this burden of hatred... but you've made it so difficult to even consider forgiveness.

I don't like blaming people - I really don't. I also don't think it's practical or mature to blame others or to hold grudges. That's why I'm tripping so much about being so angry at the two of you. I don't want to be angry at anyone because life is too short and I want to be happy... I just don't know how to forgive or to get over this.

To the person who claimed to be my friend - why? What happened to your ability to make your own decisions? And for the lack of a better question... Why don't you just grow a pair? I understand and respect that you prioritise and consider your girlfriend highly but why did I have to suffer so much as a result. I know that boundaries were necessary and you know that I didn't do anything to disrespect your relationships. I stand by the claim that I didn't do anything inappropriate or wrong... despite the treatment or reactions that I received. I know you love her and I'm glad you do because you're happy... I'm sad that you chose her over me so abruptly and so completely - I'm hurt that all of a sudden, our friendship dissipated into nothingness.

Do you remember your birthday last year, friend? Do you remember what I did for you, what I said and more importantly, what you said? You told me that I was your best friend. You held my hands, looked me dead in the eye and you told me that over and above everyone else, I was your best friend. Nothing else has ever sounded truer to me than that. One year later, almost to the day, and we're so far apart in our friendship that we've practically become strangers. Now you resent me and you're ashamed of me and of being my friend. At one point you told me you had a 'soft spot'for me. Well, what the hell happened to it then? When did you stop caring all of a sudden? I wish I knew what it was that I did because then you know I'd try to make amends for it.

I always knew you would hurt me. I expected and predicted that you would. I remember telling you that I couldn't feel anything and that I couldn't and didn't feel love from other people and that I didn't have the capacity to love others at that particular time in my life. You tried so hard to make me believe that you loved me and I remember how hurt you said you were and how hurt you looked when I said I didn't feel anything. Long story short... it was that situation that lead to your name ending up etched into my skin. I wanted to prove to myself that I loved you... and I did. I still do. I have the damn scars to remind me everyday that you tried to believe me that you loved me... And now you hate me and you've pushed me away. So I sit and stare at these stupid scars that remind me that you're just like everyone else. I let my guard down for you because I wanted to love you like a true friend should. My guard was way down and then you left... then you just became another haunting, emotionless face - a shadow of the friend I once had.

I'm kind of worn out after saying all of that. I don't think you'll understand just how hard it was for me to put all of that into words... because what I have been repressing for months is now suddenly so real to me. I feel the pain and the rejection somewhat even more now than I did before... It has hollowed me out. I don't want to trust anyone any more because of what has happened with you. I can't let anyone have that much control over me and over my happiness. I don't want to let anyone in because I'm not going to risk getting hurt - getting crushed - again. I've always known it but I've never been able to admit it nor do I want to admit it... I've always known that you never really cared about me.

When I started writing this I thought I would be addressing two people. I've written to the person who I thought was my friend... and then there's his girlfriend. I don't even want to say anything to her, about her or about the way she's affected me. I'm too tired... I'm so tired. Perhaps I should've written this when the rage was still coursing through me.  Now I'm just so done and just so far gone. I don't want to think about it any more because it hurts like hell and being angry is exhausting. So I wish I could say every mean thing that could possibly be said, I wish that I could just be a bitch about you... but you're just not worth it.

Have a nice life.

--J.

A Thousand Apologies

I know you may look at me and think, "Why is she such a freak?" or "Why can't she just relax and be easy?". Let me start off by apologising then... I'm sorry for being that person. 

I'm not and wasn't always the psychotic person that you've come to resent and ignore... I actually can be a pretty decent friend - I really hope that no matter how you feel about me now, you still remember that I was a good friend to you at one point and I was once able to make you laugh or smile. I hope you remember the good memories because when I think about my friends, that's what I think about and that's why it hurts to move on and let go because the memories will always be there. I remember the good times and I wish that I hadn't been the cause of there abrupt and unnecessary end. I care a lot about people and, needless to say, that the closer we are; the more I tend to care. I often get to a point where I begin to care too much and that's where things start to unravel and get intense... This is the point where people start freaking out and begin to run away (or are just pushed away by the the person I become).

My problem is that I panic instinctively and incessantly. When I feel someone drifting or there's a lack in attention for whatever reason, I start to panic. This is where I turn into an absolute, obsessive nightmare. I get so scared of losing someone that I latch on and cling to whatever remains of a relationship there may be. I attach myself so tightly so as to attempt to save a friendship that I feel that I am losing... even though I end up losing that friendship despite my bizarre efforts and I often get a lot more hurt through that process than I ever would have, had I simply just accepted my fate and not panicked in the first place.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for panicking and for freaking out. I'm sorry for being psychotic and intense all the time. I'm sorry that I pushed away people who actually cared about me but who got to the point where giving up on me was their only option. I'm sorry for thinking too much about absolutely everything and for being so emotional to the extent that you may have become overwhelmed, uncomfortable and unable to understand or tolerate me any longer. Please know that I'm sorry... and know that I wish somehow you could forgive or even learn to love me again... but I understand if you can't do that.

Please know that I've grown and changed quite a lot this year - hence my ability to admit and acknowledge that I have a very toxic problem regarding relationships. Please know that I am trying. I am really, really trying to get better and to be better and to just work on myself. I want to be someone you wouldn't mind talking to or making time to see. I want to be that friend that you can always count on having a good time with. I want to be that friend that you feel that you always confide in. I'm trying to be that person. I'm trying so hard to change... not just for the sake of my friends and future relationships but for my own sake as well because I don't want to get hurt again or live my life being sad for another moment further. 

Sigh.

I can't think of much else to say. I suppose I will end the way I began this post - by apologising yet again. I'm terribly sorry. I've grown up enough to realise that I have no one to blame but myself. 

--J.