A Letter To Roslyn

Dear Ma

Yes, it's me... Jillian. I'm your granddaughter. No, I'm not Michelle. I know it confuses you sometimes because I'm taller than her now and you remember us as little kids. I'm in my first year of varsity at Stellenbosch University... I'm no longer in school any more. You ask me almost every time that you see me - I'm studying BA Humanities and I know you're proud of me because you tell me every time you get the chance to. Thank you Ma.

That man that you're sitting next to on the couch, he's Pa Clive. He's not some strange man. No, Paul didn't bring you here... Pa did. I know you don't like Pa sometimes because he wronged you once upon a time - sometimes the dark times are all you can remember about him. He takes care of you now. You live in a really nice complex and you like it there. I know sometimes you want to go back to your house in District Six... But I'm sorry Ma - it's not there any more.

Your mother passed away a while ago... so you can't go and visit her, Ma. You've been asking a lot about Aunty Libby lately... but she's been with Jesus since 2009. You've always asked about her the most. Uncle Joey, Uncle Stan & Aunty Mary have passed on too... I've never heard you ask about them, I don't think. I suppose it's because you and Aunty Libby were so close. I remember how much time you spent together - particularly the time leading up to her passing. I know you miss her so much and it confuses you terribly when you don't remember that she's no longer with us. Sometimes I think that maybe you wouldn't have gotten Alzheimer's if she was still around... but it's not fair for me to just assume that. I wish she was still here too.

I wish I could take away all of your frustration and all of the confusion. I wish there was a cure. I feel like one day you'll just snap and you won't remember a thing - I'm scared you won't remember me and the rest of your family. It's incredibly scary... I can't do anything but pray and ask God for strength - for you, for our family, for me. Your mind started to slip so suddenly... It's strange to think that this time last year, it wasn't like this. 

I don't care how many times I have to tell you how old I am or remind you which one of the men in the room is your son, Michael... I love you, Ma. I will love you for as long as eternity allows. You are an inspiration to me - you taught me kindness but also how to be sharp. Alzheimer's may steal your memory but nothing can take away from your incredible sense of wit. Nothing could ever make you look weak in my eyes. 

I'm so incredibly proud to be your granddaughter and I love you... If there was anything that I wish you could remember forever, it'd be that.

--J.