Have A Nice Life

Am I supposed to be able to forgive you and move on with my life? How can I forgive you or not remain somewhat angered by the fact that you caused me so much pain? I'm trying to forgive you because it is the right thing to do and because I can't live with this burden of hatred... but you've made it so difficult to even consider forgiveness.

I don't like blaming people - I really don't. I also don't think it's practical or mature to blame others or to hold grudges. That's why I'm tripping so much about being so angry at the two of you. I don't want to be angry at anyone because life is too short and I want to be happy... I just don't know how to forgive or to get over this.

To the person who claimed to be my friend - why? What happened to your ability to make your own decisions? And for the lack of a better question... Why don't you just grow a pair? I understand and respect that you prioritise and consider your girlfriend highly but why did I have to suffer so much as a result. I know that boundaries were necessary and you know that I didn't do anything to disrespect your relationships. I stand by the claim that I didn't do anything inappropriate or wrong... despite the treatment or reactions that I received. I know you love her and I'm glad you do because you're happy... I'm sad that you chose her over me so abruptly and so completely - I'm hurt that all of a sudden, our friendship dissipated into nothingness.

Do you remember your birthday last year, friend? Do you remember what I did for you, what I said and more importantly, what you said? You told me that I was your best friend. You held my hands, looked me dead in the eye and you told me that over and above everyone else, I was your best friend. Nothing else has ever sounded truer to me than that. One year later, almost to the day, and we're so far apart in our friendship that we've practically become strangers. Now you resent me and you're ashamed of me and of being my friend. At one point you told me you had a 'soft spot'for me. Well, what the hell happened to it then? When did you stop caring all of a sudden? I wish I knew what it was that I did because then you know I'd try to make amends for it.

I always knew you would hurt me. I expected and predicted that you would. I remember telling you that I couldn't feel anything and that I couldn't and didn't feel love from other people and that I didn't have the capacity to love others at that particular time in my life. You tried so hard to make me believe that you loved me and I remember how hurt you said you were and how hurt you looked when I said I didn't feel anything. Long story short... it was that situation that lead to your name ending up etched into my skin. I wanted to prove to myself that I loved you... and I did. I still do. I have the damn scars to remind me everyday that you tried to believe me that you loved me... And now you hate me and you've pushed me away. So I sit and stare at these stupid scars that remind me that you're just like everyone else. I let my guard down for you because I wanted to love you like a true friend should. My guard was way down and then you left... then you just became another haunting, emotionless face - a shadow of the friend I once had.

I'm kind of worn out after saying all of that. I don't think you'll understand just how hard it was for me to put all of that into words... because what I have been repressing for months is now suddenly so real to me. I feel the pain and the rejection somewhat even more now than I did before... It has hollowed me out. I don't want to trust anyone any more because of what has happened with you. I can't let anyone have that much control over me and over my happiness. I don't want to let anyone in because I'm not going to risk getting hurt - getting crushed - again. I've always known it but I've never been able to admit it nor do I want to admit it... I've always known that you never really cared about me.

When I started writing this I thought I would be addressing two people. I've written to the person who I thought was my friend... and then there's his girlfriend. I don't even want to say anything to her, about her or about the way she's affected me. I'm too tired... I'm so tired. Perhaps I should've written this when the rage was still coursing through me.  Now I'm just so done and just so far gone. I don't want to think about it any more because it hurts like hell and being angry is exhausting. So I wish I could say every mean thing that could possibly be said, I wish that I could just be a bitch about you... but you're just not worth it.

Have a nice life.

--J.