Safer This Way

You've got that look in your eyes... Like you've got something to lose. It's driving me crazy because I want to make you see that you could make it work with me. I wonder if you'd be impressed... I wonder if perhaps I could make you happy... If you'd be happy - if you'd just let me try.

I'm not too bad, am I? I know I'm not the skinniest or the prettiest girl around but does that mean that I can't get a shot at love... Or if not love, at least acceptance. I would love to know what's wrong with me because I'm tired of trying to assume based on my own observations. I don't see what you see... I wish you would just tell me what it is that you see. Maybe then I would know what to do to change myself into someone that you'd want to be with. Is that too far-fetched for me to think?

It's different with you. I know that's cliché for me to say. Anybody who is reading this and has even the slightest of cynical tendencies would be rolling there eyes. The reason why it's different though is because, I don't have feelings for you. I suppose my body and my mind have finally learnt how to be clever with what I feel and who I feel it for. I know you don't like me that way, I just want you to. Even though I want you to like me, I've managed to somehow not develop feelings for you. How does that make sense? Am I simply living in denial... Living in fear? Yes, I suppose I might be... That's understandable considering that I couldn't bear to be rejected are hurt again. For now I'm content with innocence and friendship but I will only look at you differently when you ask me to... Otherwise, I might lose you on account of my recklessness. I've made the mistake of jeopardising what I value before only to have it taken from me... I can't live with that again. In all of my stupidity, at least I have learnt.

I cringe at the thought of you wanting someone else - some unsung jealousy, perhaps? I can't help it... Really. It stills me. It's good because it reminds me that I'm not entitled to anything - including love... from anyone. In a way I seem to have grown in the respect that I no longer want love. In fact, I will go so far as to say that I don't believe in love myself... Only because believing in it would encourage me to expect it. I don't want to expect love... I want it to take me by complete surprise. Perhaps then it won't hurt me.

After re-reading what I've just written, it's quite strange to see how I've digressed. Oh, the denial is a violent thing - maybe I shouldn't be calling it denial if that's not really what it is. It's all fear. I'm living in fear but somehow, instead of restricting me or making me miserable in life, it seems to be one of the only things keeping me safe. 

It's not you that could hurt me... I have to worried about hurting myself. It's not you that I'm scared of - it's my track record that makes me so grossly fearful. The situations are similar and I know what previous outcomes have been so needless to say that I don't want to relive that part of my life. I'd rather be happy.

The more I talk about this, the more I'm convincing myself not to want to try - so don't let me try? Is that what I want? I don't really know what I want. I guess I should stop thinking about it so much. I might be a bit more successful in getting you off of my mind if I did. 

That look in your eyes still haunts me because I can't quite understand it. It makes me wonder, it makes me curious. We can't have that, now can we? So to rephrase, I won't ask you to let me try to figure you out. Because I'm run by my fear but I'm safer that way and to some extent, so are you.

Because Death Welcomes Devils - Jillian Lawrence

Little girl

Please don’t look so sad

Are things really that bad?

I bet you’re normal

I bet you’re fine

Why is there fire in your eyes?

Who filled your head with lies?

It may come as a surprise

But I’ll keep your secret…

Yes, I mean it.

Where’s your soul?

Are you alone?

Talk to me

I won’t hurt you 

Let me see…

Inside.

I lied.

You stupid girl,

You ugly girl.

Did heaven break you…

Or did hell decide to

Curse you.

Little girl, 

Please don’t cry

There are too many people

They’ll want to know why.

Don’t make excuses

You know you’re useless.

Don’t look at me

Like you didn’t know…

Perhaps I should go

Before your poison seeps through me

Get away from me.

Go back home

You don’t have a home?

That’s no surprise

A person that is touched by you…

Surely dies. 

You’re your own demise.

Stupid girl.

Yes, I’m laughing 

Because you’re lost

Imagine the cost-

The cost of the air you’re wasting

Standing here

Being infected by your existence

How exasperating.

Go kill yourself-

Death welcomes devils.

Twisted souls don’t belong here…

Only those without fear

You’ve got plenty

What? You’re empty?

Stupid girl.

Trust you to lose yourself,

Trust you to not be someone else.

Go away,

Oh you waste of a day.

Give your heart to a bastard

Give your body to a whore

Oh you have?

Now, why do you want more?

You don’t deserve it.

You could never earn it.

I should slit your throat for good measure

And then slit your wrists for the pleasure…

Little girl,

Let me watch you bleed

And hear you plead…

Beg for forgiveness

For your brokenness.

I’m hurting you?

So what?

I lied

While you confessed your sins

And cried.

I didn’t mean I wouldn’t hurt you

I didn’t mean what I said
Now off with your head,

You’d be better off dead…

Because Death Welcomes Devils.

Come Back To Me - Jillian Lawrence

I thought I was dead
But I’m hanging on by 
A thread.
Here we go again
Morbid the misery…
There are ashes in my eyes
There is dust on the ground
Markers of the place
Where you uttered your
Dying sound.
You were everything to me
Now you’re gone…
Totally gone from me.
I can hear your breathing
Heavy against my chest…
You told me you were leaving
I wasn’t ready for you to go yet.
Open your eyes. Please.
Come back to me,
Tell me it’s okay
And that I won’t be lonely…
Breathe yourself back to life
I know death may seem so comfortable
But I’m miserable.
I just wanna hold your hand 
Again.
I want to hold you for a moment 
And then…
Go with you into the night,
Into the dark, into the death.
You’ll forget me here
I won’t remember anything else,
I fear…
So don’t go now…
I’m begging your heart
To beat again somehow…
Because I can’t make it without you,
I don’t want to.
Can I bring you back to life?
My chest is pulling tight,
As the tears fall from my face 
To yours…
Wake up.
Sleep will wait for you,
But reality runs away…
And mine will cease to be at all
Unless you choose to stay…
Can we find another way?
Because it’s not time to say goodbye
I don’t want to cry
Please, oh can’t you try…
Come back to the world that
You left behind.
I can’t let you go,
It hurts too much to know
That you won’t be here tomorrow.
Turn back the time
Rewind, rewind, rewind.
So I can keep you in my mind,
So I can keep you in my heart…
We’ll never be apart.
I can only hope.
I try and I try,
Don’t ask why 
But I’m no good at goodbyes.

Figured You Out - Jillian Lawrence

I think I figured it out
I think I figured you out
But not You
Rather, Why You Left-
It’s simple…
I’m crazy.
I think I told you too much
I think I told you too soon
I think the scars were too fresh
I think my heart was too open.
You cured me of that…
Of the openness.
Now I’m nothingness,
Because it doesn’t hurt that way-
When it’s nothing;
When I’m nothing.
The un-calculated bouts of tears,
The flickering imagery
Of your face, burnt into my mind.
Thoughts of you littered in my subconscious
Causing me to doubt all that I feel…
All that I’ve felt since you left.
I’m reckless now,
Oblivious now
To what I’m capable of.
Because I don’t care
And because you don’t either.
However, rejection stings less
It’s easier to give up
Easier to see why people Want to Die.
Why they no longer want to try
Nothing goes your way when you’re…
Someone like me.
Someone who can’t believe any more
Can’t believe in love.
Won’t believe in it.
I wasted time
So much time on you
Because you set me on fire
You fuelled the beast
The hunger inside of a naive Franken-child.
False hope.
False sense of self-worth.
Had I known?
Had I known then what I was-
The monster you ran from…
I would’ve saved you the trouble.
Saved you the first kiss you stole from my lips.
Saved you from the wound in my heart that you beautifully ripped.
Bloody and tiresome-
My life after you.
So much harder to be happy
Happiness seems archaic
Archaic, archaic.
Sad is synonymous with You
Pain became all that I knew to be true
Dark rings around my eyes
From the sleep that never came back
When you never came back.
I began to try only to expect to fail
Loneliness succumbed to me
As I succumbed to it-
Now we’re best friends.
That’s why my heart is heavy
Though it’s empty.
When I was willing to love you
I was willing to give you everything
Everything that was worth giving
I almost did. 
I lost my sanity… I lost my faith
I clutched to the marred ruin that was my soul,
I clutched to God to make me fear death.
So I wouldn’t want it.
Because I did want it.
It called to me…
Softly at first-
Until It bit into my neck, clawed at my arms
Drew lifeblood from my heaving chest
And heavied my eyelids into an almost-irreversible sleep
But It forgot the braided rope
The noose for me to surrender to.
I figured it out, you see
You bludgeoned me
Lulled me into a false sense of security.
Because I’m not beautiful,
I’m not one to be wanted.
I was a fool to have thought otherwise
But I was distracted by your green, green eyes.
How pathetic they look now.
Now that I’ve figured you out.
I scared you away-
My words too twisted
When all you wanted was a body
Not a brain.
You liked the attention
Until I got creepy
Until you found out I was that I was twisted-
That blood was once my muse.
You ran…
But slowly so that you didn’t kick up the sand 
So that I wouldn’t be able to see you go…
Until it was too late.
I understand.
No, I don’t understand-
I accept.
Had I known what would become of me
After your departure
I would've left you first.
I would've run…
I would've saved my lips from the scorching of your mouth-
Saved the burning of my body at your touch.
Saved myself from your eyes.
Untangled myself from you.
Now I sit-
Just waiting…
Waiting to see if I'll be okay tomorrow.

Oh To Starve - Jillian Lawrence

When I happen  
To steal a glance at the mirror…
I cringe. 
My dignity and sanity,
Slowly unhinged.
I don’t see a person
I don’t see me…
I don’t even see what you think
That you see.
I see all of my failures-
They’re scars across my face.
A mark of the disgrace.
I see the overwhelming evidence
Of a girl unwanted.
Unneeded and defeated.
I look big, like a giant of sorts
Every blink is a thunderous roar
Every step is a trembling quake.
It must be a mistake…
Why does reality seem so fake.
Why do you see a person
While I see a mountaneous ruin.
Grotesque and obscene
Obesity of note
A fat joke…
Oh murder was all that she wrote
But never could do it.
I can’t do it.
Oh to die would be too easy
It seems too good to be true
The only downside would be
Not saying goodbye to you.
All I see in the mirror
Is the mess-
What I’ve confessed.
I can’t face it 
I can’t beat it.
It’s too big to beat.
The only solution is to starve
So that the shell of my adversity
Dwindles and dies
That way nobody cries…
Because there’s no blood,
Only my face in the mud.
Oh to starve so that I 
May fade away
Until I wish to be seen someday
The more I see
The more I’m reminded 
Of all I’ve done
Of all they did.
Oh to starve…
It seems the only way
To disappear a little more
Each day…
So that I may not be reminded
Of my darkest desires
To give up completely
To starve my body of air-
To kick the chair...
Oh to starve...
And to rid myself of life.

Don't Run.

I don't want you to run.

I suppose, yes, I've sparked a sense of curiosity in you because you so desperately want to know what I'm trying to hide just for the sake of knowing it. What if I told you that it's not worth knowing? What if I told you, you're better off without any knowledge of who I am... And rather that just knowing my name would suffice?

I don't want you to know me... Simply because I like you too much. I like having you around. I don't want you to go.... And once you know? Well, it's simple... Once you know you'll want to go.

There are a few people who know what you want to know... But the only reason they've stuck around me is because they feel bad for me. They would feel immoral if they left. I'm lucky in that way... Because I don't deserve them. I don't deserve those good people who have stayed with me no matter what issue I've pushed at them... I'm just scared you won't be one of those people. I don't want to take the risk and then have to watch you leave.

Most people run because of what they know. Everyone has there own unique way of disappearing... But they all go eventually. Some people are patient and discreetly move away until the friendship drifts and I'm left thinking that it was partially my idea. Other people are not so subtle... These are the people that hurt me- the people who left so suddenly, without a warning or a goodbye. The people who just stopped talking or the people who promised to return but never did. The people who influenced (but didn't cause) my further self-destructive nature. I don't want you to be one of those people who just leave... I don't want you to ever leave. I can't stand it when people leave. I suppose you could say that I have serious abandonment issues. That's probably as much as I'm going to tell you... 

Because honestly? You know enough about me and yet you're still here... I can't risk you leaving if I say anything more. I can't do it again. I can't go through the guilt, the regret, the pain... I can't do it all over again. You should be able to understand that surely? 

I'm so tired of saying goodbye to people who have turned their backs on me. It's like waving to a person who is walking away from you and refuses to turn around. It's like screaming someone's name when they refuse to hear you... When they shut you out and all you want is to be in. I don't want to be familiarised with that kind of pain again. 

I don't want you to see who I am... Because you'll run. There's a side to me that no one can or will ever love- a dark side that makes fear myself, that makes me ashamed, that burns me from the inside, that twists my mind... A side that I want to keep you far away from. A side that I would be prepared to hide for an eternity if it meant that you'd be my friend.

You mean to much too me. I don't want you to leave. Please don't leave.

Joseph Devries

Yesterday, I was on Twitter as per usual and I received a notification of a new follower. Joseph Devries.

I wasn't quite sure who he was so I decided to check out his Twitter profile and I noticed in his bio that he said he sings songs on YouTube. For a second I thought, "Here we go again, another one." but then I actually went to go check out one of his covers.... My jaw dropped.

The first cover that I watched was of "Little Things" by One Direction. I think I replayed it about 10 times because I just couldn't believe it. Joseph Devries- oh my gosh. His voice is absolutely heavenly... In fact, I thought for a moment it wasn't real and that it couldn't possibly be him that was singing. It just seemed too good to be true.

Little Things: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mb0pYWPSgI0&list=UUkZN50FikY7IR4mMT6ukq-w&index=0&feature=plcp

I decided to look at what other covers he had done and I stumbled across his cover of "Diamonds"by Rihanna. I cried. Diamonds is one of my favourite songs and I love the lyrics... But the way he sings it- I don't know quite what it is... he makes the words seem so much more real. So it literally brought me to tears when I heard it. 

Diamonds: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4JR6ckcop8&feature=plcp

After composing myself... :) Hahaha... I watched the cover of "So Sick" by Ne-Yo and was once again amazed but it was slightly different because this cover is raw - i.e. without the mic and the computer etc. Just Joseph Devries and his guitar.

So Sick: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FC7mNeholM&feature=plcp

This is the URL for his YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/josephdevries/videos?sort=dd&view=0&live_view=500

Follow him on Twitter @JoeyDevries and like his Facebook page "Joseph Devries".

I hope you'll fall in love with Joseph Devries... I did :)

--J.

P.S. Let him know that I love him (On Twitter: @JillyPopz)

Monster

Yeah, I'm going to push you. That's just the nature of my being. I believe all too strongly in the phrase "Too Good To Be True" and therefore I'm an insecure, immature, weak-willed, creep that never ever stop being a Pusher.

I don't appear crazy on the outside... I hardly even appear interesting in the slightest. People are deceived by how I am on the outside. By the time they see what's going on inside they're too far into all the crap that they would feel guilty to pull out immediately...

Some people do, however... The clever people that is. They can see the smoke and tell that the fire can't be far behind. They don't wait to undergo my stupid form of psychological testing. They run as far as they can before they're caught in the flames of my instability and far-reaching stupidity. 

When things are good, they're great... but that never lasts for too long. There's just always something- some kind of drama that I create for myself and of course for the poor, unsuspecting people around me. 

It is no surprise that I'm insane when I confess that I dwell and live most comfortably with pain. Physically and emotionally, I inflict pain on myself to push the people around. I test people constantly - waiting to see when the people who promise blindly that they'll stay will actually end up cracking and ultimately leaving with whatever sanity and patience they have remaining. I love pain- pain is my friend, you see. While most people have come and gone. I only have very few things close and dear to me that have remained with me despite the shakiness of my psyche: My unknowing family, a few brave friends, a God of glory and understanding... and finally, the Pain.

It is strange how I've come accustomed to the pain... but is completely within means of explanation. People pity the sad girl. Simple. I often feel that I get more love and attention when I'm sad and depressed or lonely or just not in a good and stable space. It's quite twisted that I therefore then welcome adversity with pleasure- knowing it may bring some shell of emotion back to me. People don't bother when they think you're okay... When they see that you're hurting or on the brink, people suddenly feel the urge to be there for you. Even God blesses the broken.

When people get close, I allow them in... And then I unravel. I'm suddenly much more of a monster than anyone would ever have thought and it hurts to know that I am perpetually like this. I'm a masochistic little monster who couldn't really be bothered to care any more. The truth is that the pain is tiring- I'm tired. I'm so, so tired of being broken and of risking friendships because of my obscene insecurity. 

Yet I savour the empty and aching pang in my chest - he pain that I'm a pain. 

...That I'm a masochistic monster who pushes beautiful souls away to guard the remains of her own.

--J.

Jaimey Jeniker. An Exposé.

There's a beautiful soul on the horizon. She's worth the world to me. This is her exposé. Teacups, I introduce to you...

 Jaimey Jeniker.              

When I interviewed her, she stared and searched through her notes. She asked Nicholas, her confidante, to answer some questions for her. He knows her probably better than anyone. I'd like you to know her just a little bit more. She shouldn't be as hidden as she allows herself to be. Her soul is far too gorgeous to be kept in the dark.

She doesn't have a favourite colour. They're all of the same worth to her. She uses Sensodyne toothpaste. If she could be any fruit, she'd be an apple. She takes about an hour to get ready for school in the morning. She doesn't have a best friend but rather confides in a group of good friends. She has one cat... Her name is Tom. She would rather eat lasagne instead of spaghetti bolognaise. She watches Harry Potter but reads the Twilight books. Her biggest fear is that she won't amount to anything in life [I don't think that is even remotely possible]. Her weakness is that she runs away whenever she thinks it's necessary but may not actually be.

I don't care what she says, she's something that I've never seen before. She's a smart version of me. She thinks with her mind like she's supposed to. I switch logic off after 3 o'clock in the afternoon when school comes out. Yes, she makes a very risky decision by guarding far too much of her heart but that's far better than leaving your feelings out for the stampede to trample. She's not guarded... She's just guarding. Until someone comes along who she'll trust enough to let in.

Let it be known, that I love Jaimey Jeniker. There's nothing much more to say except that she's amazing. 

--J.

Bruises

As I step out of the shower, I slowly reach out for the fluffy towel hanging in front of me. I wince as a shooting pain slides from shoulder blade to my fingertips. I draw the soft material to my damp chest and stand still for a few moments as my body restore itself from the shock of the pain. I gently dab myself 
dry - the towel softly grazing over my skin. Over my bruises.

I stand in front of the mirror after slipping into a striped, blue and black, skater dress. I smile inwardly at the thought of how my mother would've reacted to the ensemble that sat snugly, quite far above my knees. My eyes scrutinize the girl that I stare at in the mirror. My gaze eventually rest on the purple-blue mark resting just beneath my collarbone. I'm horrified for a moment but reassure myself that it's nothing a little base or concealer can't fix. I arrange my hair into a loosely tousled up-do while letting a few soft curls fall to frame my face. I turn around to inspect my work... A scowl leaps across my face as I see another bruise rudely placed slightly to the left of my right shoulder blade - where my dress annoyingly doesn't hide it. I stand for a while thinking of how I'm going to successfully cover it with my concealer. My thoughts are interrupted by the twinkling beeping of my cell phone - it's him.

I look down nervously and reach down to open the message. The hair at the base of my neck stands on end as my fingers slide over the screen. I swallow slowly and breather deeply as I read:

Hey :)

Just checking to see where you'd like to meet 

tonight... I was thinking of the balcony over 

the food court - to the left of the bridge? 

Let me know.

I smile and bite my lip as the butterflies rage around in my stomach. I haven't seen him in ages. I hurriedly type a message back so that I can finish getting ready and to remove any opportunity of making myself late:

That sounds just fine :) 

I'll see you then... I'll let you know when

I'm on my way. See you soon!

:) xx

I hold the phone nervously and re-read my message, hoping that he doesn't take it as too eager. I extend my hand to return my cell phone to its original position on my desk but before I do, it beeps again- vibrating excitedly against the palm of my hand. The message reads:

Can't wait ;)

x

I stand in a daze and mentally hush my subconscious giggles. I snap back into reality and go about lightly applying some concealer to my face before moving on to the pesky, visible bruises. I can't quite be certain if they're adequately covered but I can't focus on that so much now as I have to get on the road soon. I hurriedly apply some eye make-up to liven my boring, brown eyes and dash to put on my brand new sky-high heels- perhaps a bit too formal for this evening but any excuse would have done if it meant I would finally get to wear them. The fact that he would be the first in them was a mere bonus - and it made me giddy to think about what his reaction might be. He hasn't seen me in ages. I hope he notices a change.

I slide into the front seat of my car and mutter disapprovingly at myself for not having thought about driving in heels. I sulkily chuck my newly-donned heels onto the passenger seat beside me and quickly send him a message to tell him that I'm on my way. I glance at myself in the rear-view mirror and place both of my hands on the steering wheel and take a deep breath. I pull out of the driveway of the cute little B & B I'm staying in. My phone beeps and I know it's another message from him so I wait until I've stopped at the next red light before taking a look at it:

Slow poke :P

Drive safely... And message me when you get

here? I'm wearing a grey blazer, just in case 

you don't recognise me. :D

xx

I smile and hurriedly type a reply as I wait for the traffic light to turn green:

I would drive safely if you would stop 

distracting me! ;) :P

You honestly think I won't recognise 

you? Hahaha, thanks for the thought 

though :) 

I put my phone on silent in order to stop myself from being launched into a full conversation with him which we weren't too far away from. Thankfully, I was able to do so just in time for the green light to give its go ahead for my journey to continue. Every passing kilometre instils further excitement in me- I realise just how much I actually miss this guy... This really good friend of mine.

I pull into a parking bay that is relatively close to the entrance - my gratification becomes known to me as I slip into my heels once more. I walk briskly through the revolving doors and toward the mall food court. Upstairs, he had said... That's where the more upper class restaurants were and I sigh in relief as I move further away from all the fast food establishments like McDonalds and KFC and perhaps also as my feet catch a slight break as I step onto the escalator. I walk slowly across the bridge looking down over the brimming food court hoping to see him there waiting. Dismayed, I lean against the balcony... Awkwardly waiting for him to arrive. Now who's the slow poke?

I remember that I forgot my phone on silent and I hurriedly unlock it to find a message from him:

It's been a while that's all...

I hope you haven't changed much :)

Sorry for the distraction ;)

I smile at the last line but frown at the second. I'm hoping my change is good. I am thinner than when he last saw me - a lot thinner. An air of great pride rushes through me at the thought as I let my mind scroll back to the last time I saw him and how I appeared then. I feel prettier now... but I want him to, in a way, confirm that for me. I grimace at the possibility that perhaps he always liked the way I looked before and that now I may be less attractive to him. I message him the announcement of my arrival. Almost instantaneously, I receive his reply:

I'm here. Where are you hiding? :)

Bewildered, I check my surroundings through the corners of my eyes to ensure that I came to the correct meeting place. I know I am right. I slowly turn around and there he is. Standing slightly to my left with his back facing me, looking as though he is expecting to meet someone. I grin shyly and slowly make my way over to him - careful not to make to much noise. I stand behind him, slightly to the right and tap his left shoulder. I giggle softly and smile broadly as he jumps slightly and spins around- clearly not have being able to recognise me.

"Wow..." he breathes as he takes in the sight of me. I blush but tilt my head to the side and roll my eyes at him playfully.

"I think I should've been the one to tell you what I was wearing,"I pause, relishing in his stunned silence, "...seeing as you're the one who couldn't recognise me." He snaps out of his trance-like state and is back into his usual, amused self. He laugh and walks forward to hug me- his arms slowly extend towards me to pull me in but I draw back sharply, holding my breath as I do. He looks at me, puzzled. I relax and recover my strange reaction by saying, "Woah, hold up. Are you sure you know who I am?" He gives me a huge smile and hugs me- without resistance from me this time. 

"Don't be ridiculous," he says sweetly and winks at me and then offers his arm to me which I take gladly. He glances down at my feet. "Great shoes... Bet you're regretting them now, huh?"

"I'll manage," I reply as I narrow my eyes at him... but a smile dances brightly on my lips.

"Time for sushi?" he says enthusiastically. I smiled as I remember just how much he loves his sushi.

"That's what I'm here for," I tease and wink at him over-dramatically. "Oh, and for some polite catch-up conversation of course."

"Hurtful," he says in his mock-hurt response. I've missed him.

We walk arm in arm toward a restaurant where he knows the managers who came out to greet him personally and lead us to our reserved table. "Nice choice," I say as I glanced around the beautiful restaurant. A humble smile twitches at the corners of his mouth as he lifts his glass of whiskey to his lips. It reminds me of just how cute I found his humility even though he's generously financially blessed. I mirror his drinking action- except with my glass of rosé. We sit side by side in a comfortable corner booth with leather upholstery, graced with a beautiful view of the outside terrace and the rest of the restaurant. We eat, drink, reminisce, catch up as promised... and never, for a moment, do we take our eyes off of each other. 

"You look beautiful," he says softly after mains. For the first time of the evening, he looks away from me- he glances down at the table and tugs at his place mat before slowly saying, "You were always beautiful but now..." His voiced trails off. I blush and smile empathetically at this exceedingly gorgeous, shy grown man that sits before me... looking almost embarrassed at his confession. My head is reeling and I am strangely lost for words and so I stutter a meagre "Thank you," in reply. He turns so as better to face me and slowly lift his hand to gently play with the few curls that frame my face. His hand slides down my cheek smoothly and as it continues to my shoulder, his other hand meets my waist- a double whammy. I flinch and having no direction to go I just freeze in ever so noticeable fear. He blinks at me- clearly concerned now.

"What's wrong?" he asks sternly.

"N...Nothing," I stutter as I carefully ease his hands from my body but rather holding them in mine.

"You're lying," he chides, matter-of-factly. He looks at me expectantly... firmly, as though he would wait all night for the truth. 

"I can't tell you here," I mutter quickly. I pause, "I can't show you here." He raises his eyebrows at me- no doubt not having expected it to be quite this serious. He looks down at my hands- clasped in his.

"My place then," he says and gently eases his one hand out of my grasp to motion to our waiter for the bill. I reach for my purse before he quickly says, "No, I've got it." It's clear that there is no more amusement or carefree inflection in his voice. I have seen him in just about every mood- goofy, happy, tired, pissed off... But never so serious. 

As we walk out of the restaurant I stop, hoping to make him smile again because the seriousness in the air between us is beginning to make me somewhat uneasy, "What about dessert?" I say and I am relieved to see his mischievous grin creep across his face. 

"We can run in to a grocery store... Get some frozen yoghurt?" he offers. 

"Sure," I grin, unphased by the dessert choice although happy about it but happier that he doesn't have that deadpan expression on his face any more. We stroll to the nearest store, speaking of other things so as to distract ourselves from the tension that looms above us.

Then, approaching the entrance I first came from, he stop and swings around to face me... the shopping bag catches up with him and gently bumps into his leg. "We can take your car and..." he starts. He thinks to himself for a moment while I watch him curiously. "You could... Uh. Stay the night?" My eyes widen in pleasant surprise. "I have a spare room." He adds quickly. I smile as he visibly becomes more nervous and looks down at the ground. "What about your car?" I ask- a smile now plastered to my face. He looks up and smiles sheepishly, "Driver." I roll my eyes and suddenly receiving a burst of courage, I step forward and kiss him softly on the cheek. 

We enter his apartment, a beautifully modern 2 bedroom suite with an open plan kitchen and entertainment area. He places the frozen yoghurt on the marble counter top and turns around to get dessert bowls and spoons for the two of us. He dishes out two massive bowls of frozen yoghurt and moves one toward me. "Right," he announces, "dessert and explanations!" I smile sadly at him and push myself up onto a barstool in front of the counter, my back facing him. I suddenly feel the heat of his eyes on me- practically melting the sweet dessert that I clutch in my hands. He walks over to me slowly and I don't think to turn around. Suddenly I feel his hand slowly skim over the bruise near my shoulder blade as he hooks his finger into the sleeve of my dress and tugs it down- revealing the bruises I hadn't treated with concealer. My entire body tenses at his touch.

"Who... who did this to you," he breathes in disbelief, mingled with anger. I exhale heavily, my breath is staggered- a lump forming in my throat as tears prick my eyes. "Are there more?" he asks softly. Pained by the question and his intrusive yet welcomed touch, I shut my eyes tightly and nod. "Show me," he whispers mournfully. I turn to look at him and the tears suddenly fly down my face- for a second unbeknown to me until I feel them dripping down from my chin to my hands that are cradling the dessert bowl in my lap. He cups my face in his hands and then gently begins stroking my hair. "No... Shhh angel, don't cry," he consoles. He takes the bowl from me and sets it back down on the counter. He takes my hands in his- I can feel the warmth of his skin so starkly now beneath my frosted fingertips. He weaves his fingers into mine and then leans forward, brushing my cheeks with his lips. I shudder as more tears fall while his touch becomes more real to me. He leads me to the couch, sits down and coaxes me down so that I am half-sitting on lap. He begins to kiss my cheeks- where tears have left there watermarks on my skin- softly and sweetly. I tilt my head up and my lips meet his. A soft, innocent and lingering meeting- our lips remain against each others and I feel so extraordinarily... safe. He pulls away slowly, "Ex-boyfriend?" he suddenly says questioningly. I nod solemnly, staring, in a daze, at my hands. "He was so..." I pause to allow the urge to cry again to pass, "Angry." 

"I wanted to end things and he got angry... I made him angry," I whimper and he shakes his head at me reassuring me that it wasn;t my fault. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to press the image out of my mind but to no prevail. I can hear his raging and drunken voice in my head... as well as my own screams that had, at the time, sounded so unfamiliar and weak to me. I recall how he had pushed me to the floor and then kicked me in my side- at my waist where this wonderful guy had just recently wanted to hold me. He had struck me across chest- at my collarbones and across my back. My body stings in the relevant places as I recall the atrocious memories. I am tired suddenly and slump into the arms of someone safe - far, far away from the monster who hurt me. 

He scoops me up in his arms and carries me to his bedroom- I know its his because its so heavily personalized and strewn with clothes. I sit up slowly on his large bed, practically sinking into the pale grey sheets. I slip out of my shoes and then slowly remove my dress- showing him all of the damage. I peer over my shoulder at him and he gazes at me sadly. He saunters protectively over to me, still locking me in his gaze. 

"Wow..." he says, sounding slightly deflated. He sits behind me on the bed after I gather the duvet at my ankles. He slips his hand into mine and draws me closer to him.

He kisses me gently- passionately as if trying to restore me by sharing himself with me. He lips trail down my neck and down to my back where his kisses softly graze over my skin... Over my bruises.

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--J.