Oh To Starve - Jillian Lawrence

When I happen  
To steal a glance at the mirror…
I cringe. 
My dignity and sanity,
Slowly unhinged.
I don’t see a person
I don’t see me…
I don’t even see what you think
That you see.
I see all of my failures-
They’re scars across my face.
A mark of the disgrace.
I see the overwhelming evidence
Of a girl unwanted.
Unneeded and defeated.
I look big, like a giant of sorts
Every blink is a thunderous roar
Every step is a trembling quake.
It must be a mistake…
Why does reality seem so fake.
Why do you see a person
While I see a mountaneous ruin.
Grotesque and obscene
Obesity of note
A fat joke…
Oh murder was all that she wrote
But never could do it.
I can’t do it.
Oh to die would be too easy
It seems too good to be true
The only downside would be
Not saying goodbye to you.
All I see in the mirror
Is the mess-
What I’ve confessed.
I can’t face it 
I can’t beat it.
It’s too big to beat.
The only solution is to starve
So that the shell of my adversity
Dwindles and dies
That way nobody cries…
Because there’s no blood,
Only my face in the mud.
Oh to starve so that I 
May fade away
Until I wish to be seen someday
The more I see
The more I’m reminded 
Of all I’ve done
Of all they did.
Oh to starve…
It seems the only way
To disappear a little more
Each day…
So that I may not be reminded
Of my darkest desires
To give up completely
To starve my body of air-
To kick the chair...
Oh to starve...
And to rid myself of life.