Don't Run.

I don't want you to run.

I suppose, yes, I've sparked a sense of curiosity in you because you so desperately want to know what I'm trying to hide just for the sake of knowing it. What if I told you that it's not worth knowing? What if I told you, you're better off without any knowledge of who I am... And rather that just knowing my name would suffice?

I don't want you to know me... Simply because I like you too much. I like having you around. I don't want you to go.... And once you know? Well, it's simple... Once you know you'll want to go.

There are a few people who know what you want to know... But the only reason they've stuck around me is because they feel bad for me. They would feel immoral if they left. I'm lucky in that way... Because I don't deserve them. I don't deserve those good people who have stayed with me no matter what issue I've pushed at them... I'm just scared you won't be one of those people. I don't want to take the risk and then have to watch you leave.

Most people run because of what they know. Everyone has there own unique way of disappearing... But they all go eventually. Some people are patient and discreetly move away until the friendship drifts and I'm left thinking that it was partially my idea. Other people are not so subtle... These are the people that hurt me- the people who left so suddenly, without a warning or a goodbye. The people who just stopped talking or the people who promised to return but never did. The people who influenced (but didn't cause) my further self-destructive nature. I don't want you to be one of those people who just leave... I don't want you to ever leave. I can't stand it when people leave. I suppose you could say that I have serious abandonment issues. That's probably as much as I'm going to tell you... 

Because honestly? You know enough about me and yet you're still here... I can't risk you leaving if I say anything more. I can't do it again. I can't go through the guilt, the regret, the pain... I can't do it all over again. You should be able to understand that surely? 

I'm so tired of saying goodbye to people who have turned their backs on me. It's like waving to a person who is walking away from you and refuses to turn around. It's like screaming someone's name when they refuse to hear you... When they shut you out and all you want is to be in. I don't want to be familiarised with that kind of pain again. 

I don't want you to see who I am... Because you'll run. There's a side to me that no one can or will ever love- a dark side that makes fear myself, that makes me ashamed, that burns me from the inside, that twists my mind... A side that I want to keep you far away from. A side that I would be prepared to hide for an eternity if it meant that you'd be my friend.

You mean to much too me. I don't want you to leave. Please don't leave.