Figured You Out - Jillian Lawrence

I think I figured it out
I think I figured you out
But not You
Rather, Why You Left-
It’s simple…
I’m crazy.
I think I told you too much
I think I told you too soon
I think the scars were too fresh
I think my heart was too open.
You cured me of that…
Of the openness.
Now I’m nothingness,
Because it doesn’t hurt that way-
When it’s nothing;
When I’m nothing.
The un-calculated bouts of tears,
The flickering imagery
Of your face, burnt into my mind.
Thoughts of you littered in my subconscious
Causing me to doubt all that I feel…
All that I’ve felt since you left.
I’m reckless now,
Oblivious now
To what I’m capable of.
Because I don’t care
And because you don’t either.
However, rejection stings less
It’s easier to give up
Easier to see why people Want to Die.
Why they no longer want to try
Nothing goes your way when you’re…
Someone like me.
Someone who can’t believe any more
Can’t believe in love.
Won’t believe in it.
I wasted time
So much time on you
Because you set me on fire
You fuelled the beast
The hunger inside of a naive Franken-child.
False hope.
False sense of self-worth.
Had I known?
Had I known then what I was-
The monster you ran from…
I would’ve saved you the trouble.
Saved you the first kiss you stole from my lips.
Saved you from the wound in my heart that you beautifully ripped.
Bloody and tiresome-
My life after you.
So much harder to be happy
Happiness seems archaic
Archaic, archaic.
Sad is synonymous with You
Pain became all that I knew to be true
Dark rings around my eyes
From the sleep that never came back
When you never came back.
I began to try only to expect to fail
Loneliness succumbed to me
As I succumbed to it-
Now we’re best friends.
That’s why my heart is heavy
Though it’s empty.
When I was willing to love you
I was willing to give you everything
Everything that was worth giving
I almost did. 
I lost my sanity… I lost my faith
I clutched to the marred ruin that was my soul,
I clutched to God to make me fear death.
So I wouldn’t want it.
Because I did want it.
It called to me…
Softly at first-
Until It bit into my neck, clawed at my arms
Drew lifeblood from my heaving chest
And heavied my eyelids into an almost-irreversible sleep
But It forgot the braided rope
The noose for me to surrender to.
I figured it out, you see
You bludgeoned me
Lulled me into a false sense of security.
Because I’m not beautiful,
I’m not one to be wanted.
I was a fool to have thought otherwise
But I was distracted by your green, green eyes.
How pathetic they look now.
Now that I’ve figured you out.
I scared you away-
My words too twisted
When all you wanted was a body
Not a brain.
You liked the attention
Until I got creepy
Until you found out I was that I was twisted-
That blood was once my muse.
You ran…
But slowly so that you didn’t kick up the sand 
So that I wouldn’t be able to see you go…
Until it was too late.
I understand.
No, I don’t understand-
I accept.
Had I known what would become of me
After your departure
I would've left you first.
I would've run…
I would've saved my lips from the scorching of your mouth-
Saved the burning of my body at your touch.
Saved myself from your eyes.
Untangled myself from you.
Now I sit-
Just waiting…
Waiting to see if I'll be okay tomorrow.