Safer This Way

You've got that look in your eyes... Like you've got something to lose. It's driving me crazy because I want to make you see that you could make it work with me. I wonder if you'd be impressed... I wonder if perhaps I could make you happy... If you'd be happy - if you'd just let me try.

I'm not too bad, am I? I know I'm not the skinniest or the prettiest girl around but does that mean that I can't get a shot at love... Or if not love, at least acceptance. I would love to know what's wrong with me because I'm tired of trying to assume based on my own observations. I don't see what you see... I wish you would just tell me what it is that you see. Maybe then I would know what to do to change myself into someone that you'd want to be with. Is that too far-fetched for me to think?

It's different with you. I know that's cliché for me to say. Anybody who is reading this and has even the slightest of cynical tendencies would be rolling there eyes. The reason why it's different though is because, I don't have feelings for you. I suppose my body and my mind have finally learnt how to be clever with what I feel and who I feel it for. I know you don't like me that way, I just want you to. Even though I want you to like me, I've managed to somehow not develop feelings for you. How does that make sense? Am I simply living in denial... Living in fear? Yes, I suppose I might be... That's understandable considering that I couldn't bear to be rejected are hurt again. For now I'm content with innocence and friendship but I will only look at you differently when you ask me to... Otherwise, I might lose you on account of my recklessness. I've made the mistake of jeopardising what I value before only to have it taken from me... I can't live with that again. In all of my stupidity, at least I have learnt.

I cringe at the thought of you wanting someone else - some unsung jealousy, perhaps? I can't help it... Really. It stills me. It's good because it reminds me that I'm not entitled to anything - including love... from anyone. In a way I seem to have grown in the respect that I no longer want love. In fact, I will go so far as to say that I don't believe in love myself... Only because believing in it would encourage me to expect it. I don't want to expect love... I want it to take me by complete surprise. Perhaps then it won't hurt me.

After re-reading what I've just written, it's quite strange to see how I've digressed. Oh, the denial is a violent thing - maybe I shouldn't be calling it denial if that's not really what it is. It's all fear. I'm living in fear but somehow, instead of restricting me or making me miserable in life, it seems to be one of the only things keeping me safe. 

It's not you that could hurt me... I have to worried about hurting myself. It's not you that I'm scared of - it's my track record that makes me so grossly fearful. The situations are similar and I know what previous outcomes have been so needless to say that I don't want to relive that part of my life. I'd rather be happy.

The more I talk about this, the more I'm convincing myself not to want to try - so don't let me try? Is that what I want? I don't really know what I want. I guess I should stop thinking about it so much. I might be a bit more successful in getting you off of my mind if I did. 

That look in your eyes still haunts me because I can't quite understand it. It makes me wonder, it makes me curious. We can't have that, now can we? So to rephrase, I won't ask you to let me try to figure you out. Because I'm run by my fear but I'm safer that way and to some extent, so are you.