Noose Around My Neck

I woke up with a noose around my neck. Is this what it's like to wake up in hell?

It's painful to think of everything together. That's why I'd rather not think at all. When I think, I'm unhappy because I somehow manage to remember everything bad experience that I've ever been through. I think too much and I forget about all of the good that I've got. 

I'm feeling lost at the moment... adrift amidst a sea of people that hold no comfort for me. Even among my best friends I feel as though I'm an imposition. I feel as though no matter how happy I try to make them... there will always be someone that will make them happier and someone who they would prefer to make them happier.

It's sickening to a point where I can feel myself shutting down and just simply avoiding interaction with pretty much everyone. It's as though even if people want me there, I don't feel that they want me there. That's why I isolate myself merely to avoid any possible rejection from them. It's painful... because they're my best friends and I want to spend time with them... but I've just given up. I just want to get lost in pretty much anything else just so that I don't have to deal with that any more. 

It kind of hurts. I see the people that I love with people who make them really happy and that makes me happy but it just re-affirms the fact that I'm no longer needed. So I don't see the problem in me disappearing entirely.

I just find it easier to give in... As long as they're happy I'll be okay. If that means that I step out of the way and let someone else in, then so be it.

Even though it hurts me, I love my friends enough to take on a world full of pain, enough to live with a noose around my neck... enough to go through hell.

--J.