Tricky Times

You think you haven't changed in the slightest while you claim that I've moved a million miles away from you. I have not taken a single step back. I have been here the entire time regardless of how I've felt. I can't believe that you could ever think that I would ever leave you.

You blame me for the rift that has managed to grow between us... but why is everything suddenly my fault? Is it so hard for you to admit that you're part of the problem as well? What do I have to do to make you see that I haven't changed the way I am with you... You've changed in the way you treat me so it is only natural that my responses would be different. Is it not insane to expect me to be the same when you, yourself, are not?

We had a long and tiring discussion about how we feel and about what's going on but I don't think you heard or truly understood anything that I said. You say that I'm just being overly sensitive lately and therefore I'm overreacting to what you do and say. I'm not overly sensitive... but I am sensitive to the fact that the way you treat me has changed significantly. You have a girlfriend now so naturally our relationship was inevitably going to change in some way, shape or form but for some reason it has gotten really bad and really complicated within a span of about a month. I don't understand how you could justify yourself in thinking that I'm the only person who has changed.

If anything you've changed the most. It's YOUR relationship and YOUR decision to pursue a relationship that has caused a change to occur because your relationship is, in itself, a change. It's ridiculous that you could even think that our friendship would remain the same. You're different and there is no denying it... I'm probably different too but that doesn't spell disaster and it should definitely not be a deal breaker between us. I'm happy you're in a relationship and I wish that you continue with it because it makes you happy. 

You know that part of the reason why I have felt the way I do- namely hurt and lonely- is because I feel as though I am constantly judged by outsiders for my actions within my relationship with you and with others. I'm confused as to why I am the one to blame. Why, because you're the one in a relationship, do you suddenly gain immunity to all negative outsider opinion? Why is the adulterous woman stoned and the sinful man left unscarred and innocent? Why do they flings stones at me to break my bones and crush my soul but you come off as pure as those innocent bystanders merely watching me die?

Right now I'm dealing with being left in the shadows. I need to find my own way into the light... I can't accept the help of anyone else because it is a battle that I have to fight. I only ask that you stop casting darkness upon me by expecting me to be okay. I'm not okay... I'm not happy either. I can't exactly help that I feel that way and I'm definitely not feeling like this on purpose. 

How can you think that I wouldn't withstand such torment for you? Why do you think that I'm just going to leave and therefore it is somehow okay for you to treat me without and ounce of respect. I know what's happened to you in the past. I know that you had a best friend left you without so much as a word... She just left you and hurt you. I'm not her though and my relationship with you is not the relationship that you lost with her. Your past experiences seem to be the only justification I have thought of for the way you handle our relationship and the conflicts that may arise. When I get upset with you and show anger towards you, you see it as the end of everything between us. You don't seem to think that our relationship is worth fighting for because you know what it's like to blindly fight for something that is not of any importance to the other person involved. You should know I will fight for you and I wish that you would stop prematurely condemning me. Your attitude towards me has changed and you can't deny it because I know you - there's a reason why I'm your best friend.

Yes, I have distanced myself somewhat because I'm scared and don't feel safe and as a result your subconscious response has been to shut down to me in the only way you know to be possible. You can't stand the idea of someone having enough power over you enough to hurt you which leads you to end anything before the other person can. The way you've been with me, the way you react to my responses and my feelings shows that you're giving up by taking any small sign of conflict and labelling it as more than it actually is. You think I'm going to leave you because you've been scarred by someone in my position before. You don't know what it's like to be fought for. You haven't ever been loved by someone like I love you. You don't see that I will never let you go. I will always be right here... I always have been here. I haven't moved an inch.

My primary love language is physical affection which basically means that I feel most loved through physical association with people. Hence, when my relationships - particularly the physical part - change I take it badly because the change can make me feel as though you're not going to love me in the same way and that you're, in a way, taking love away from me. The reality may be that the change may not cause you to love me any less but because of the kind of changes and the new boundaries that are put into place, it doesn't matter what you say or what I claim to understand... I subconsciously feel unloved... I can't help it.

I hope you know that I love you... And that I will always love you. I can't think of anything that would cause me not to love you... You could hurt me and break me and leave me like so many people that have before you... I will still love you. Nothing is going to change that for me. 

I just need you to stop blaming me for the tricky times and to stop expecting me to be perfectly fine and happy... On the other hand, don't expect me to give up either.

I love you.

--J.