You'll Never Know

Do you remember what it used to be like when we were friends, when we spoke, when we recognised each other's existence? I remember everything because that's just how I am - a gift or a curse. You changed me... probably more so than anyone else that I've ever known as. I can't exactly say whether that change is a positive one. The thing is that, you'll never know because you don't know me any more. You'll never know what I became because of you.

I met you in grade 8. You immediately intrigued me... because you were somehow very weirdly interesting. I remember sitting in our all-girl Maths class and listening to your goofy laughter as you playfully teased our teacher. I remember how long your hair used to be... and how you always, ALWAYS wore pants instead of a dress or skirt. I wanted to be your friend from the moment I first heard you speak... because you were strange (a good kind of strange but strange all the same). You were,in a sense, a breath of fresh air- sharp, crisp, cool and like the kind that, as it leaves one's lips, turns to mist... Mysterious.

For some unknown reason I got my wish. We became friends... and oh what a joy that was while it lasted. No my darling, I'm not being sarcastic - it was a very good ride and I appreciate the opportunity. I remember having expectations of the type of friendship we'd have because of how you treated other people... but you've never been one to do anything that is expected. You didn't creep into my heart; you just walked in one day and claimed it... There was a time when you were all I had because of highly I thought of you. I didn't want anything else other than your friendship. You began to go through things and changed because of the lessons you were learning and the discoveries you were making about yourself but none of that changed how much I adored you. I knew that I couldn't stand to lose you.

I remember when you first told me you were in love with a girl... I didn't believe you at first... I don't know. I thought you were joking. You had been in a weird contemplative mood the whole day and I was asking you questions about why you were breaking up with your boyfriend. We were in English... The bell rang for the end of the lesson and you got up to walk out. Without really looking at me you said, "Because I'm in love with a girl". You laughed nervously - weakly. I suppose I thought it was a joke because I wasn't too sure what to do with the information you had suddenly indirectly asked me to process. In my mind, at the time... I felt as though my heart had just sunk into my feet.

All my life, having been raised in a family richly steeped in Christian values and religion, I had believed that homosexuality was wrong. I'm not actually sure where I stand on the topic as of now. I think I have so much more to think about when it comes to it because it's not as straight forward as one might think. I can personally understand why the Bible says what it does about homosexuality but on the other hand I don't agree with society's judgement of homosexual people because who are we to judge anyone or condemn those we have no right to condemn. I think that perhaps by being your friend I learnt how to think about difficult things like that and I was able to question things that I had always previously believed or thought just because that was how I had been raised. I learnt that I could formulate my own opinions and also... I learnt that it was okay to be confused. 

I know you remember how I cried in Maths in grade 10. What is it with me and Maths? I cried a lot in Maths in grade 10. I remember 'crying for your soul'and how you didn't quite know what to do. I just remember you timidly put your hand on my back but you couldn't look me in the eye until I had recovered. You told me you never knew what to do when people cried - that you felt awkwardly useless. I remember later in the year how I cried because you hurt me. I remember how it felt like you were leaving me - abandoning me almost for some girl that you liked... a lot. I don't quite know what you did or what happened that day. I just remember crying and feeling so incredibly angry and exhausted at the same time. I remember hugging you - clutching you... and telling you that I hated you. In that moment, I really did hate you. I was so incredibly angry at you for hurting me but I was angrier at the fact that I couldn't love you any less despite the fact that you had made me feel that way. 

I remember the first time I cut myself... I was embarrassed by it and I had sworn to never do it again. I remember the first time you saw it... You didn't react like everybody else did. You seemed to understand. You didn't look at me like I was insane. You were calm when you asked me why I did it and what I did it with. I remember that I didn't feel like such a freak but I also remember that I was not intending to do something like that ever again.

There was a time where I began to push you religiously... I kept on bringing up the homosexuality thing and you started to retreat from me. You told me that I was only pushing you away. I hated that thought. I couldn't bare the idea that I might not have you in my life because of something that I did. So I stopped trying to change you and instead I tried to accept you in every and any way... So I encouraged you in everything - even in the things that were bad for you. You used to cut yourself and instead of telling you not to do it any more, I sort of made you think it was okay I suppose. In an attempt to understand you and to somehow be of a better support, I started cutting more... in a response to everything in life really. I began to get addicted to it and I guess that I always expected you to understand me for it or to at least be impassive about it. It wouldn't be fair for me to blame you for the addiction that I have struggled with since that time... because it isn't your fault. It really isn't at all and I'm not blaming you for my current frame of mind of the frame of mind I held back then either because my choices are my own and the same can be said for the consequences thereof.

For a while, I really didn't quite understand why you suddenly didn't want to be my friend at all any more. I suppose I know more of your reasoning now than at first but my understanding hasn't arrived yet. I will always question your decision and similarly I will question myself as to why I thought that harming myself would allow me to be able to be strong for you and support you. I've changed so much in an attempt to shake an addiction that I never imagined having... I've changed so much so as not to push away other people who are close to me like I suppose I did to you. 

It's amazing how much we've both changed within the space of about a year. I'm glad that you're happy now... because that's more than I managed to give you. I'm happy for the change that's made you happy.

I thank you for the lessons, I thank you for the tough love or rather the no love that shaped me, I thank you for changing me from that first minute in grade 8 Maths to the final moments of our Matric school year... I thank you for signing my shirt on the day before valedictory - short and sweet as always but nonetheless meaningful.

You... with you super short hair, the grey school skirt you actually chose to wear up until our last day of high school, the piercings that scare my mother but the same soul.

Oh, you'll never know what I've become because of you.

--J.