He's always on my mind. As much as I can't stand to admit that he's there- he is. What is it about this one person that has got me so spellbound? What is it with me and being attracted to those who I cannot have? Why... Just go away.
I don't know why my sole desire is to make him happy. It's not like he's asking me to either. He doesn't want me to make him happy - he wants Her to... So there's no way I could ever. However, something in my ridiculous and messed up mind has caused me to subconsciously accept it as a challenge. My desire to please seems to be heightened merely because I can't handle rejection in any way other than trying to prove everyone wrong.
This is the part of the process where I usually end up choking the life out of whatever friendship I currently have. I'm going to become clingy, obsessive and desperate... Nothing too out of the ordinary, right? Sigh.
Every pitiful step has actually been calculated, quantified. It's all clinical... which is saddening seeing that I claim that I can't stop what I do. The advantage of a science is that it has a formula, can be modified, enhanced... Right? Then I ask the question: Why can I not change my process especially since I've seen it fail ever so many times?
The strangeness continues in that I actually know how he feels about me. I know that there's nothing more to assume and no pathetic dream or fantasy to cling to. My feelings seem to have remained unchanged no matter how much badgering my mind, heart and body have had to take since knowing the truth. It is something that has proven to be impossible to manually alter. I can only hope that time will soothe the wounds and rid my self of the image and idea that is him.
I'm rather ridiculous. I shouldn't be spending so much time on this... yet here I am - silently sobbing over a bruised ego, blogging away my insignificant troubles with the soothing sound of John Mayer's "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" consoling my ears. All this time and energy spent on this one person when I should really be asking: "Is he worth it?" I want to say that he is but I know deep down he probably isn't because if he was... I would hope that I would mean a bit more to him.
As much as I want him to be- he's not. He's perfectly lovely, brilliant and gorgeous but I know in my soul that I'm wasting my time, energy and attention. I know that no matter what I do, I'm not going to get very far. Perhaps he'd be worth my time if I were worth his.
Drink to that.
--J.
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