I haven't had a crush on anyone - like a brand new, passionate crush - in years. I had completely forgotten what it feels like yet now it has crept up on me and hit me right in the chest with full force. I am so at a loss to be entirely honest because I don't know what to do with these feelings except write. I haven't been inspired to write so strongly by an emotion in a very long time - my emotions have called for suppression rather than expression as of late.
The dynamics of having a crush on someone never really change in composition but rather they vary in degrees of intensity. I wouldn't really now where to rank my most recent crush but I would have to say that it's quite up there in the standings due to the fact that it has come on so quickly and resides within me so strongly.
(Now playing: Young Folks - The Kooks)
Staying true to myself, I've gone and developed feelings for someone that I cannot be with. Am I the queen of unrequited love or what? It has gotten quite tiring to always be said no to - even if only implicitly - and actually, the rejection I have had to withstand has been downright painful. I regret none of it though. I am a 'reacher' and not a 'settler' so naturally I am going to be drawn to the people way out of my league. It is a rather unfortunate habit and I think I may just tone it down a bit before I go completely crazy.
(Now playing: Over the Love - Florence & The Machine... Ha! How appropriate is this song right now though!)
I really enjoy the excitement that comes along with being completely caught up in somebody else's existence. It has been an age since I have been filled with joy like I have been for the past few weeks now. I feel slightly more bipolar than usual to be entirely honest... because one moment I am stressed and depressed about other personal dilemmas and the amount of work I have to do and then the next, everything wrong with life has dissipated into thin air and I am reduced to a smiling idiot. Dear crush, how does it feel to know that I am such a fool for you? (I highly doubt you'd ever stumble across my blog but anyway...)
(Now playing: Eskimo Kiss - The Kooks... You might be starting to realize that I am quite in love with their stuff. If you don't know who they are; 1) Shame on you, 2) Go get educated --> http://thekooks.com/#!/home)
I forgot what I was actually going to say in this next section because my wonderful roommate and I decided to take a video of us rambling on about our day and that managed to take us just over an hour because of the amount of time we spent laughing and eating. I have an 4000 word essay due in a couple of days that I haven't done much work on so I should be getting off of social media and my beloved blogging platforms to go and pursue academic excellence some time soon. However, before I can do anything productive I need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper before I am rendered utterly useless by daydreams and fantasies.
(Now playing: Video Games - Lana Del Rey... Note: She's my absolute favourite. Lana = Life. BAE.)
So anyway, back to this whole crush business. I am thankful for actually knowing where I stand with this person i.e. I know that nothing is going to happen between us because it just makes it easier to be normal. I don't feel pressurized to impress said crush because I know my efforts would be fruitless. Now all that's left is to get the pesky infatuation feels out of my system. All should be well in time. I am thankful for my feelings and I believe that they are entirely understandable because Crush is amazing. I wouldn't have feelings for just anyone or someone who was a complete and total <insert bad word here>. So, I suppose I have to be kind to myself for a little bit and admit that it's okay and there are countless others in the same boat as myself.
Dear Crush, thank you for making me excited about life. Thank you for making me want to go to gym in order to get back into shape. Thank you for inspiring me to write (BIG thank you). Thank you for being someone who is able to understand my mind. Thank you for giving me a hope in my ability to feel something for other people instead of believing that I would never find someone that I'd be drawn or attracted to. Thank you for making me realize how insignificant I am - I don't mean that in a self-hate kind of way... I am just utterly floored by all that you are and I am truly grateful on behalf of humanity for the fact that you are on this Earth. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for filling my head with thoughts of happiness and reasons to smile for no other reason than thinking of you.
(Now playing: Conquistador - Thirty Seconds To Mars)
I think I should wrap thing up here... mostly because I need to stop procrastinating and get back into work mode. I just have to hang in there for a couple more days before I get a week of vacation (catch up on studying and assignments) - urgh. Knowing myself though, I am certain that Crush will make an appearance or two in my head and succeed in distracting me to a point of Facebook stalking or emotional eating (Jokes! I'll probably end up on YouTube or Tumblr because therein lies the answers to life. Basically.)
I'm a student at Stellenbosch University (proud Matie) and we have an anonymous crushes page which never fails to amuse and sometimes disturb me. If you're a student at SU with a crush and you don't know about this page by now (which would be hard to believe), go and submit your crushes anonymously! Check it out on Facebook --> https://www.facebook.com/MatiesCrushes
If you're reading this and have a crush on someone too, then all of the best! Don't be shy to be open and honest. I hope that it works out for you if it is truly meant to be!
Love to all,
--J.
P.S. I wrote a poem about my crush (ah, such a typical girl move) and it's chilling on Tumblr for the world to see. I'd love if you gave it a read. Feel free to Like or Reblog that ish and give me a follow if my Tumblr is to your liking - message and say that Talking To Teacups sent you and I'll be sure to give you a follow back and a shout out.
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