I was sitting in church yesterday morning after having volunteered in the children's ministry in the first session. My body was sore (it still is sore actually) as a result of my daily exercise routine - which has recently become intensified - and I couldn't help but inwardly express the thought, "I feel so uncomfortable right now." My church's head pastor walked onto stage after the worship session (which made my legs stiffen up because of having to stand in essentially the same position) and he began speaking about giving. Now, this is a usual precursor in my church before the offering is taken up so I naturally didn't think it necessary to pay any more attention to it than I usually would've. That being said, as soon as he asked the question, "Is there anyone who feels uncomfortable?", I knew God was speaking. He began speaking about how one should be thankful and embrace being uncomfortable because it is in those times of life that God works within us best and grows us for His cause. So I think I'm in that growth phase. I thank God for answering me even when I didn't ask to be answered - He is so great.
Okay, so don't get me wrong now... Physical or muscular pain is not my only source of uncomfort - it just happens to be a contributor. I've been feeling emotionally alienated for an extremely extensive period - in fact, I can probably pin point the beginning of this alienation to the start of this year. My emotional unease is not conventionally a bad thing - in fact, normal people would consider me practically insane for feeling uncomfortable with my current emotional state. You see, the the thing is that I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm content, I feel loved... yet I don't know what to do with myself as a result. Prior to university, the last two years of my life had been so incredibly dark and depressing... and numbing to a point where I got used to it and began to expect nothing else for myself except pain and perpetual unhappiness. I thought I was doomed to a life of sadness and quietly suffocating despair. The change of this year and the incredible people I have met have forced me to shed the negativity that I had been carrying around for years. I'm surrounded by positivity and love to a point where I don't know how to react any more. I can't act in the same way as I used to, my relationships are bound to change as well as a result. As much as I am thankful for the phenomenal change in my life, I cannot help but be afraid of everything that has become so different. I can't help but fear that which I know absolutely nothing about as of yet. I am open to learn and I know I will have to but it's a daunting task - it requires me to rewire my own mind and my heart that have been so haunted and heavy for so long. I fear more than anything that, ultimately, I won't be able to manage, accomplish or sustain this change and that I'll simply relapse into what I have so long known to be comfortable and normal. It's scary to think just how easy to would be to go back to where I'm most comfortable and where I learnt how to do life - that dark place. Therefore, I pray and I beg and I plead to remain uncomfortable.
When I say mentally uncomfortably, I mean in terms of my academics. I have recently been very internally conflicted in regards to the work I'm doing at varsity. I don't know if I'm working hard enough. In fact, I know I could work harder but then there's the dilemma of motivation. I work hard but if I spent less time blogging, social networking, spending time with friends and family etc. one can assume that I would do better academically. Where does one draw the line between work and play? I've always been the type of person who expects a lot from themselves. I can't help but have high standards and therefore I also can't help being extremely disappointed to the point of devastation when I somehow don't achieve my personal goals. I can't stand failure - I despise it. I fear feeling stupid and inferior even in the event of having worked hard at something. I hate the feeling of not being good enough. So right now, I'm in this state of unease at university where I am just under a lot of self-inflicted pressure to achieve and to do well. I am praying that this will be more of means of motivation than a source of unnecessary anxiety or depression.
Socially, I don't quite feel on par with everybody else around me. I'm reaching the stage of life now where I'm supposed to be investing time in looking for a long-standing, intimate relationship. I just really couldn't care less at the moment. In fact, the prospect of a relationship puts me off to a surprising degree. I don't know whether it's because I'm subconsciously a coward or consumed with the fear of rejection. I just know that I don't want what the people around me seem to want. I know that shouldn't define me and that I don't have to want to be in a relationship but due to the circumstance and the expectations others have for their lives, I feel slightly out of place and once again subject to alienation of some kind. It is no means to say that I feel uncomfortable in that I don't want to be around people who feel differently to me - it's more of a personal struggle that I am pursuing. For the longest time, I've wanted to be in a relationship and I've wanted that personal attention from a significant other and now all of a sudden I've done a complete 180 where I cringe at the idea of a relationship. I feel so strange but I'm taking it as it comes rather than trying to analyse anything too severely. Perhaps this is a time of preparation. So for now I shall be patient and see what God has in store in this regard.
I don't mind being uncomfortable if it means that I will be better off for being this way. God has a plan that I am unaware of and have no hopes of ever grasping so I shall trust in Him to shape me for the purpose of His glory. For now, I shall embrace the uncomfortable.
--J.
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