Meant to be Broken

I've spent a lot of adolescent and young adult life so far being broken. I get hurt all of the time. I always assumed it was just unlucky or that I was making friends with the wrong kind of people. I've always known that my own suffering was self-inflicted - I could never solely cast blame on another person because I know a lot of the reason why I get hurt is because I have allowed myself to become hurt. While writing to God this morning (yes, I write to my God), I suddenly found myself having somewhat of a revelation - maybe this hurt is being used by God in some way... what if being broken has been the best possible thing for me?

I've always been a big believer in God using negative circumstances and situations to create something beautiful and filled with love. I believe that to the point where I can say I have complete faith that nothing evil goes unanswered by God - it may not be treated as we expect but God doesn't simply standby while we suffer. He is always working.

So for me personally, the evils in my life come with failed friendships. I'm not talking about simply drifting apart from others - I am referring to what I have always experienced as abandonment. I feel like people always leave and I've never really considered that my mistakes were usable. I thought I was just a messed up teenage girl who took life far too seriously. I thought brokenness was just an inevitably and a bi-product of my personality. I didn't see how being broken could be invaluable and how it could bring me closer to God.

It is probably not a surprise to many that I have a unique way of loving people. I am very much a giver when it comes to my friendships. I give as much as I can to people... even if they don't actually deserve it. I love too hard. I've realized that I tend to love people the way that I am supposed to love my God. I get distracted by and become absorbed in my friendships. I lose myself in people and I lose sight of God while trying to find perfect love in imperfect places. That's why I get hurt... That's why I am constantly being broken. My love is not meant for people who have the inclination to abuse it. My love belongs with God first. 

When I am broken, I am humbled. I am brought back down to a place where the only place I can look, is up... And that's when I see Him. That's when I'm reminded of God and of the fact that He has been there all along and will always be. Even in the midst of my distraction, He waits and uses the consequences of my choices to bring me back. I always choose to put my love elsewhere and to love people who can't love me back like I truly need to be. The beauty of God is that he gives us the choice to walk to him or away from Him... but in reality, He never actually leaves - it's just up to us whether we see Him or not. 

In pain, I look for healing and my God is where I find that. I am reminded of my imperfection and my poor choices. I am reminded of the love He has for me despite my sinfulness... Even though I choose not to put Him first, that doesn't alter His love for me. My favourite way of thinking about God's love is in the idea that "God is jealous for me." God isn't jealous OF me, He is jealous FOR me. He wants me to know Him and to be His... and I am.

So perhaps all of those times before, I was meant to be broken so that my eyes would be opened. Perhaps the pain was necessary to bring me to my knees and to be washed and overcome with the love and the healing that can only come from God.

--J.