Want & Need

Mind over matter. It is a very real thing. Our minds are intricate and may often be deceiving. A lot of the things we believe to be true about ourselves may only ever be true within the realms of our minds.


Apparently I need therapy. It's not because I naturally have a twisted mind but merely because I think and believe that I do, thereby causing me to act and think in a certain way in which I think I am upholding my personality even though, in all likelihood, I may be acting as far from myself as humanly possible.


Do I want to admit that I need help? Of course not. Who wants to be recognised as having a weakness? Who wants to become victim to the possibility of not being mentally sound? No one. My stubbornness prevents me from wanting to want help. Remember, of course, that wanting something and needing something are two completely different ideas entirely. However, as a very wise person once told me, the more the similar we make them, the healthier we eventually become.


I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the point to which I've come to where I am in need of professional therapy instead of merely seeking counsel with close friends. It's not easy realising that I may have to actually ask my parents to assist to send me to a therapist. Imagine what they may think of the daughter they have raised for the last 17 years. I can hardly imagine that they'll be proud. There are ways in which I can avoid involving them in the process (i.e. a part-time job... which I currently have to free time for). I don't know if it would be at all wise to exclude them from any aspect of my life. I have done that with a majority of my social life and the choices pertaining to that and  I cannot isolate myself from parents... especially in an area that can so widely affect me.


I don't know how to cope with the fact that I'm not right in my head. I have always been somewhat different and I often detoured from the worn path. I have never thought of myself as being someone so stuck in my own little world that I can no longer see what anyone else does. I wish that I could have prevented this whole thing... I wish also that my mental stability was not as shaky as it is now.


I'm psychotic and twisted. Only time will tell if I learn to want help as well as I need it.


--J.