If I close my eyes for a while, I see her and then I see him. They are in no way truly related to each other. Except that they both know me. They don't really cross through each others minds but they are always on mine.
She was my best friend. She doesn't love me any more. She doesn't want me any more. I thought she always would be there... Even if she wasn't there FOR ME- I thought she would just at least be there. She is the most beautifully different person I know. Although I don't always agree with her life choices, I can't help but love her wholly and fully. She's my baby. I just want to help her. She doesn't want me to help her though. I don't have a choice in the matter. I love her so I have to let her go. I have to let her grow. I have to let her find herself even if I can no longer be one of those people who she confides in and turns to. I love her and I miss her already, even though my removal from her life has been rather recent. It was the first day of school of the year today. I saw her. Our eyes met for a split second because I couldn't bare any time longer than that. I could feel my heart sitting in my throat and my mind raced as I forced myself to keep my tears back. That has become increasingly hard lately. She was my heart. She still is my heart. But now she's gone... and I am heartless.
He is the guy I continue to fall far. He is too far from me. He's in Namibia. That feels like he's halfway around the world from me. There's nothing official about us. He's my friend. We enjoy each other's company. He makes me happy. He makes me act really giddy and shy. He makes me smile whenever I think of him. He makes me blush. When people talk about him, I can't get rid of the sheepish grin on my face. I wish he was home already. Perhaps then, I could be truly happy. Perhaps then I would be able to find my heart again.
But until then... I am heartless.
--J.
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