Don't Be Lost Like Me

This weekend, I found myself soul searching. I found my voice with God. I asked Him why He was letting people hurt me. I asked Him questions that I'm still not sure of the answer to. I asked while trying not to blame anyone else for where I am today.


I'm lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I truly want to become. I want to act. I want to help people. I want to get away from South Africa for a while. I want to stay at home. I want to have a boyfriend. I don't want to go against my parents boundaries.


I'm slowly losing all hope of finding any true and sustainable source of happiness. My past experiences have taught me not to believe that anything lasts forever. I can't trust any more because when I do, I'm always getting hurt. I'm tired of drifting through life with a heavy heart, sleepless nights and a poor self image.


I have some great friends. I also have those who are not so great. I love them all. However, my love for them does not prevent them from hurting me. So I can't find the right balance. I don't where to distribute my trust and my love. Strangely, sometimes they don't go to the same places or people. I'm stupid when it comes to falling for people. I love to easily and far too much.


How will reading this benefit you? I can't be too sure to be completely honest. Don't love too much for fear of losing all of yourself to one entity. Be careful who you trust with your heart. Be careful who influences you to make the choices that determine where you'll end up in life. Trust God... or if you don't believe in such things then at least have a hope that life will get better if you are a bit better everything time you try. 


Don't end up lost like me. It hurts too much when your heart is rejected and you end up alone and confused, wondering why you deserved such pain. No one wants to cry without even realising it. No one wants to be in a pain that they can't do anything about except wait. No one wants to be stuck.


Don't be lost like me. 


--J.