I Wish, I Dare. But Who Could Ever.

I wish I could lean into that moment... and become one with it. I wish to never part from it. That moment where- we were perfect.


The touch, the electricity. The gravity your eyes stacked upon me. Your intoxicating raucous laughter. I miss every inch of your body and soul. You make me smile like a child when my world surrounds me with darkness. There are those moments where I zone out completely from the pessimism of a precarious society and merely fall back upon the memories of You and Me when love was in my favour.


I'm afraid you're never coming back. Well, I'm almost certain of that fact but I wish it was something I didn't have to come to terms with. You've pushed and pushed until, finally, I've fallen under the pressure of simply not being good enough... yet again. When I first handed you my heart, I begged with my mind to believe the best about you instead of assuming the worst. I still believe the best. Beliefs, however, are as fickle as theories and are infinitely similar.I may be wrong about you. I may have completely misunderstood your soul. 


I probably blinded myself to believing that you had any kind of weakness whatsoever. That is, I believe, my mistake. I hold you up to the light and see a distortion of what would normally be darkness. I view you as perfect when you most certainly are not. I make it impossible for you, or anyone else, to live up to my ridiculous expectations. That's why I get hurt all the time. That's why nothing lasts when it's good. My pain is self-inflicted because of my self-pity and expectation of perfection. I am all who I wish to avoid in someone else.


I apologise. I apologise for my unintentional insensitivity to your unintentional human nature. I apologise for believing what may have been false. I apologise for thinking you were capable of  trying to hurt someone else for your own convenience. 


Even without you here, I draw closer and closer to whatever memories I can clutch to. I force my imagination to re-enact all that I treasured within you. You see, I think I love you... or I'm well on my way to becoming so. I want to be with you. It honestly does hurt when you don't feel the same way. I think that I'm absurd for not being able to pick a someone who could, eternally, love me forever.


I miss you and you hurt me, you're hurting me. I would appreciate it if you stopped right about now. Take control and dare to love someone as foolish, bashful, emotional, passionate and twisted as me. I dare you to kiss me without caring whose watching... and to show up out of no where and melt me with that look you always give me. I dare you.


But then again, who could ever love someone- something... like me.


--J