I always find myself regretting not blogging more regularly yet I don't do anything about it for the majority of the time. It's been so long since I've written for the public that I'm not even too certain if the rules of the game are still the same. My words are probably old and overused. I probably won't have anything of substance to say - that's my problem when it comes to putting my thoughts into words, there's a whole 'lost in translation' thing that occurs and I end up not saying all that really needs to be said and focusing too much on other things. I need to learn to live a more nuanced life.
Possibly the only reason why I'm writing, to be honest, is because I lost my phone last night. I'm distraught... and yes, I'm that girl. I am 100% miserable for having lost my phone. My phone is a filler. I spend more time scrolling through feeds and liking photos than sitting alone with myself and just being. I'm a typical first world brat. Here I am blogging on my own laptop with uncapped Wifi, reclining on my queen sized bed in my house (one with a roof, walls, fences and doors that lock)and complaining about the loss of my iPhone 5S after a day of drinking with good friends while there are children starving in my own country, families are being destroyed by the lethal combination of winter and poverty, Gaza is under attack. There's so much more to this world, really... yet I'm super-glued to my superficiality. I'm a hypocrite. I am just as vapid as the people I scowl at when they complain about their crush not texting them back soon enough.
My phone is an excuse. It's a brilliantly effective numbing agent. I am desensitized to everything going on in and around me. I stare at a bright screen all day and fool myself into thinking myself to be productive when I'm just being as much of a nothing as possible. I'm hoping that's the extent of lesson I was supposed to gain after having experienced this. I just want to get away from this uncomfortable feeling of disconnectedness. I can't be alone with myself right now... Not when I have yet to truly learn how to be okay with all the sides of me.
I miss my best friends. One of them I saw just yesterday but I don't think there's ever going to be a point where I'm going to think that I've seen her for long enough. It's kind of annoying not being able to become sick of someone. It's the exact opposite with her really. I'm addicted to my friendship with her - I go from moment to moment holding on to the high woven into the remains of memories of the times I've shared with her. She's just like me. She knows... or at least I hope she does. Being with her is a way of facing myself without actually having to face myself, you know. It's bizarre because I love her to death yet I hate myself and wish for death despite the fact that I think we have twin souls. She's like Harry Potter and I'm Voldemort - we have wands that share the same core... She's the Chosen One and is meant for greatness while I'm a monster that destroys everything that I touch. My other best friend lives in Wilderness and I haven't seen him since the end of first semester. I want to go and visit him so badly because I need to laugh and to be in a place free of the complex and chaotic happenings within my mind. I can't go because I'm working and don't yet have the money I would like to have when I'm over there with him - he thinks the business I'm in is a waste of his time too so he's not exactly happy with me using as an excuse (Before your dirty minds run wild, I'm not a prostitute... Just thought I'd clarify). He's silly and fun and exciting. When I told him I lost my phone he called me stupid. I'm annoyed but oddly comforted. He makes me feel like a horrible and dull human being - that's my way of saying that he makes me want to be a better person. I really shouldn't have best friends. I'll ruin things again and they'll leave. I shouldn't love them so madly yet I cannot find justice in loving them any less.
I'm running in circles trying to avoid the irritating admin that comes along with dealing with my shit. Over time all I've actually gained is the knowledge that life is ought to be lived in the grey areas, you know. It goes against human nature to live life without an attempt to organize one's existence according to the concepts the society we were born into places in front of us. I used to think that I just wanted answers to my problems - a side effect of an instant gratification driven generation. Now I am more certain that the last thing I am going to find are clear cut solutions. All I really want is a sense of peace within the light and dark facets of myself. I don't want relief, I want acceptance of pain.
Sigh, okay enough rambling for now. I'll probably be back here doing this again because I'm not going to have awfully much to do until I can make a plan for a replacement phone on Monday or Tuesday. I'm most upset that the title for this post is going to be ridiculously lame... because my blogging game is just that weak at the moment.
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