I Change

I can't bare to tell them that I loved them first for their gender. I feel guilty for loving their physicality before their souls. I don't want them to know that I feel as though I've used them.


Sometimes, to a girl, boys are better friends than other girls can be. For me this is true for two cases. I have two guy friends that I consider myself to be close to. Other girls often carry their own emotional baggage and provide more problems than they're worth... Sometimes it's just so much easier to be friends with guys. There definitely isn't a shortage of imperfection but there seems to be a lot more honesty.


I feel guilty... Because I feel I've used two of my best friends. Physically, I can be very demanding... and the type of physical attention one receives from guys is so much more gratifying to me than any sort of physical attention between any of my female friends. Perhaps it is mainly to the fact that they are simply different and therefore, in a way, intriguing. All I know is that I love being physically loved by guys (what girl doesn't). I just know, however that because I am also very emotional I seem to need physical affirmation that much more.


If you read my previous post, you would realise my dilemma of not being able to "feel". My relationships with my two closest guy friends, I think, are a lot more physical than any of my other relationships (not in a sexual way)including my relationships with my father and brother. It could be considered unhealthy and perhaps I am setting myself up for later destruction by interacting with them the way I do. I understand the consequences  and I have begun to feel them set in.


I fear the change that is inevitable. I know that I'm the one who changes. Something within me causes me to shut down and block out. I'm the one who changes.


--J.