Battle-Mode

You have suffered and endured through enough just from being my friend. I'm sure that in the beginning, you didn't know what you were actually signing up for because I seemed nice enough, I seemed normal and I seemed safe. As it turns out I am none of those things and therefore I hold you in my highest regard for having stuck around as long as you have. Therefore I am willing and able to sacrifice all that I have and all that I am for you.

I'm a very kind and caring person with a humorous personality that has the ability to attract people to me but it's all superficial. If you know me not by that description but as something more sinister it means you have attempted to delve deeper into inner circle and therefore it is required that you are tested. Everyone that I have come to love has been tested and based on their results I have been able to make informed decisions about whether or not those people are allowed beyond my walls. 

I am yet to truly find a person that has surpassed all of my testing and suspicion. I am yet to let anyone into my core. Even my best friends are still being put to the test on a continual basis to ensure that they will stick around even when I'm absolutely unbearable thereby proving their love for me. My insecurity causes me to become almost unbearable in the way that I push and test people. I don't want to get hurt at all... ever... which is why I'll never break down my walls to anyone. I will never stop pushing the people I love because I feel that when they love me in the bad times, it makes them more appreciative of the good times with me and it is infinitely easier to love me in happier times as well.

I think and I know that I think too much and that I overreact to pretty much everything. This is because even the slightest issue could give rise to the potential for pain to be felt and therefore I immediately go into a "battle-mode" in which I defend what's left of me. My methods are obviously not fool-proof and often do more harm than good in that they push away people that love and care about me because they don't know how to deal with what I'm pushing at them and they can't face the person I've become in contrast with the person they originally thought that I was.

There are a few people who have, so far, been successful in the tests I've given them so far. Those people- I'd die for them. I'd sacrifice every ounce of my happiness so that they may have theirs. I am dramatic and clearly too emotional for my own good but I'm loyal- even to those who have caused me pain and have long disappeared from my life in an attempt to escape my never-ending stream of problems. 

I only hope that those who don't understand me, understand just one thing about me. I follow Jesus and as a result their are certain behaviours I strongly practice and believe in, The most prominent of these behaviours, is that of sacrifice out of love. Jesus died so that I may live for an eternity so I figure that it would be a small in comparison for me to merely sacrifice my life for the people I love.

Sacrifice is selfless but it still gets me what I want. What I want is the happiness of the people who I love and who are still brave enough to love me in return. I want them to experience lifetimes of happiness and bliss. If I could, in any way, contribute or influence than I would do what it takes to do so.

I will always love and I will never hesitate to sacrifice.

--J.