Lonely Moments

Lonely moments. You're not here. I don't know where you are or how I'm meant to find you... I only know that I have to.

It's saddening - this quiet desperation I feel. I have no sense of self since becoming so dependent on you. It seems as though I can't reverse what I've done to myself... I can't let go of you for the life of me. You are so integral to my happiness that it's most certainly unhealthy and I'm ashamed that I allowed it to get to this point where I am nothing without you.

Even within a crowd, I feel isolated and lonely because I don't have you with me. I don't lack the ability to make friends so therefore it is not as if it's something I can't control. Why don't I want to let anyone else in? Will they hurt me like the people who I have let in before? Is it because I only have room in my heart for you? Why do I begin to cry when I imagine the prospect of a life without you. 

One cannot exactly explain or understand how I became so attached to and adoring of you especially when the vast majority of people don't see what I see when they look at you. That's exactly it though- it's because I can see the things that others misunderstand of overlook. I see a beauty in you that attracts me to you. I find you to be magnificent... yet I am certain that it is a sin to be ruled by the mere thought of a mortal like you. 

The simple answer is that I'm in love with you... but then again, nothing about me has ever been simple. I'm overly-complicated and therefore my feelings follow suit. I could never be romantic with you for the excruciating fear that I may lose you... and also because I would probably kill you. We would kill each other if anything happened further than our friendship. So what I mean by "in love" in this particular context is not mushy-gushy kind of love that is encouraged by our materialistic and superficial society. I mean, rather, that I could never live with you. I'm in love with you in the most platonic sense of the term. I love you to an extent that it's controlling and consuming but it isn't a love that can be equated to that of a boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't really know whether I've adequately explained it for now... As soon as it becomes clear to me, I will do my utmost best to share my new found comprehension.

I need to find a way in which I won't feel so lonely- a way in which I won't be so painfully reminded that I'm single... I suppose there isn't really a good method. Do I go and make new friends and be content with just being hailed by you when needed? Do I occupy myself, at those times, with activities that don't require any other human participation beside my own?

There are so many unanswered questions that will remain so for  long time. More will be added to the list...

...in these Lonely Moments.

--J.