Let's Not Care

Sometimes one just has to realise that it's not always worth it to care about something. Even if it surrounds an area of great importance and influence in your life- it doesn't guarantee that it's bettering your life in any way.

I have recently decided not to care... mainly because I actually didn't have much of a choice.I'm just completely emotionally exhausted as a result of all the nonsense that has accumulated in my life. I hate this drama and this pressure- the judgement and the disappointment. I'm so tired of everything and practically everyone.

I want to run... I want to get as far away from my life here as possible just in an attempt to breathe without feeling the weight of expectation. Don't misunderstand me- I love my family and friends... but even so, I just feel the need to escape because even the people who love me are subject to societal propaganda.

I cannot help that I do a lot of things differently. I'm not going to apologise for not wanting to be normal. I understand things in a way that isn't conventional, I solve problems creatively instead of analytically and I hate asking for help. I have long decided that my life's purpose is not to be ordinary therefore I refuse to define myself by society's superficial standards. Hence, I don't appreciate the expectations that I feel others have of me that are based on societal conforms. 

I feel extremely judged. Perhaps you're thinking now that I'm being melodramatic and that I'm merely seeking attention. On a normal day, yes... but today isn't normal- it's different in that I'm not looking for attention through the means of victimising myself... I am merely voicing my frustration and my exhaustion because for some reason I feel like I'm in a hostile environment  that I am desperate to escape.

The judgement is also guilt that I feel. I feel like I'm disappointing everybody lately and for some absurd reason I can't seem to do absolutely anything right or make anyone happy. Even though I have the best of intentions, I still manage to screw everything up. I don't know why this is happening all of a sudden but I do wish for it to stop. I hate that I cannot make others happy... I suppose, as well, part of the reason for my new-found unwillingness to care any more comes from the fact that I seem to be failing despite the fact that I care about my family and friends. I absolutely hate the idea of or the potential to fail especially when it has to do with something that isn't just consequential to myself but to others as well. Therefore in order to prevent myself from encountering failure, it is somewhat easier not to care and not risk anything by doing so. 

I'm hoping that my life will stop spinning out of control and that I will be able to actually regain a sense of knowing as well as a sense of belonging. I know that a lot of what I'm facing has come about due to the choices that I have chosen to make therefore I'm working really hard to get to a point where I at least feel safe within myself and my own mind before I expect other people to provide me with a safe environment. 

It's troubling and it's difficult. It's life... and I am determined to change it.