I spent the night chasing you around in my dreams... It's so unspeakably lovely to be with you even in the deepest realm of my imagination. It made me sad and so incredibly disappointed to have to wake up and face reality - a day without you there. Consequently, I ended up snoozing and then resetting my alarm in order to sleep for an extra two hours... all in the hope that you'd be there again - that I'd find you in my dreams again.
One would typically be wary of the fact that my dreams and the fantasy they encourage are starkly in contrast with my current reality. In reality we're worlds apart - physically, emotionally, spiritually... We're good as friends because that's easy enough to maintain with the occasional conversation over Whatsapp or a casual lunch date now and then when it can be managed. We'd never work - I know that. Tell that to the fantasy or the idea I have of you that is perched somewhat patronisingly on a pedestal inside of my head.
I know exactly who you are in reality and I know of all the reasons why nothing would happen between us ever... Starting with the fact that you feel nothing for me - you're completely indifferent to me in that sense. Why doesn't that resonate with me... Why can't I accept that nothing will ever happen there and chances are it wouldn't be what I expected either.
I feel so unhealthy with you in my mind. Is it simply the fear of loneliness that is causing me to cling to the possibility that you'll like me back... since you're the first guy I've genuinely liked in a very very long time. Can this all be put down to my stupid insecurities and fear? Is it even about you at all? There are too many questions swirling around in my mind at the moment. The actually reality of you has become so far detached from the saga in my mind... I've managed to confuse myself so profoundly.
Why is the You within the realm of my dreams so magical. Why does he encompass all of who I know you to be in the most perfect of ways? Why am I in love with the man in my head to the extent that I can't seem to move on or even just let go? Why have I become blinded to the possibility of any one else? What made you so damn special?
I lay beside you, looking into your sad and tired eyes. You asked me what I had wanted to tell you... I said 'nothing'. We just looked at each other - taking in a world where we didn't need to say a single word... And then you had to leave. I went on with my day but I kept on seeing you - I chose just to watch you and not to get in way way. You looked distressed, rushed and somewhat agitated. I wanted nothing more than to reach out to you and to ask you what was wrong. I wanted nothing more than to pull you away from the world that was making you so miserable. I was filled with worry and compassion and just this intense desire to put a smile on your face. I was about to stop you before you rushed off again but then I was awoken by my alarm tone 'Roads Untravelled' by Linkin Park. Even when I fell back into my dreams after snoozing my alarm, you were a fleeting image that I could never quite grasp or get close enough to. Perhaps it's a sign that it'll never happen - you are not for me as I am not for you... And it'll be okay.
"Weep not for roads untravelled,
Weep not for paths left alone
Cause beyond every bend is a long blinding end -
It's the worst kind of pain I've known.
Give up your heart left broken
And let the mistakes pass on
Cause the love that you lost
Wasn't worth what it cost
And in time you'll be glad it's gone."
--J.
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